This chapter is very long. I didn’t want to split it up because it has some important points that need to flow together.
Hope you like it,
A WARNING: Some of the concepts in this will be a bit disturbing.
The sound of the TV was the only thing that could be heard later in the evening. Eddy laid snuggled up on the couch with Katie, and Laura was cleaning up after dinner.
Eddy would rather have been in the kitchen with Mommy, but when he went to get up, Katie gripped his leg firmly, letting him know she wanted him to stay put. He watched the show, occasionally nursing his paci because it felt so good. He didn’t know why, but he liked the way it felt a lot. He was worried that Daddy wouldn’t like that he had it, but didn’t know what to do about that. The thought of having to deal with Katie’s demands without his paci to comfort him made him want to cry.
Mommy smiled at him when she came back into the livingroom, and he couldn’t help but smile back. He loved her so much! She made him feel better about everything that Katie made him do. She hadn’t gotten mad at all, and that both surprised him, and made him love her all the more.
The memory of crying for her to clean him up earlier came to him, and he shuddered. He was trying to protect her, and keep her safe by being a little boy, but she didn’t know that and he wouldn’t dare tell her. He didn’t have to pretend to cry hard when she told him she knew he could get changed by himself, he was terrified of what Katie would do to her if she refused.
Eddy was so relieved when Mommy said she would do it, he had forgotten to take Mister Bear with him, and came very close to going pee pee in his pants he was so scared. He didn’t know what Katie would do. When Mommy picked him up and gave him his paci, he just wanted to hug her tight. It made him feel so much better when he nursed it, that he kept it in his mouth all day long without Katie telling him he had to.
He had thought hard about it, and had come to the conclusion that Katie wanted him to be a little boy. All afternoon he had tried to act just like a little boy in hopes that she would forget that he left his bear on the couch, and it seemed to have worked, although he wasn’t sure because she would change from being real nice to being terrible in a second, and try as he might, he could never tell when it would happen.
The front door opened, and Daddy walked into the livingroom. He looked at Eddy, and the look on his face made Eddy want to cry. He could see that Daddy wasn’t happy with what he saw. It scared him so much, he squirmed and said to Katie, “I gotta go potty,” keeping the little boy act up.
“All right Sweety, lets get you on the potty,” Katie told him.
He was certain to take Mister Bear with him, and let her lead him toward the hall. As they entered the hallway, he could hear Daddy say, “Laura?”
Then Mommy said, “Come to our room and I’ll explain.”
Eddy wasn’t happy when Katie left the door to the potty wide open. He looked down at the floor when Daddy and Mommy passed by, just as Katie pulled his shorts and underpants down and sat him on the potty saying in a loud, sweet voice, “Okay Sweety, go potty.”
He tried to hold it, hoping she would move away, but sitting there where he usually went pee pee made it impossible, and the sound of his pee pee hitting the water filled the small room.
No sooner had he heard his parent’s door close, Katie’s expression turned from nice to frightening in a heartbeat. He was glad he had just gone pee pee, or he would have needed another pair of dry underpants.
“You forgot Mister Bear, little boy!” she whispered heatedly.
“I thowwy, I didn’t mean to!” he cried a little too loudly.
“Hush!” she whispered in his ear, then stood listening. A moment later, she looked satisfied and said, “You better be quiet Baby.” and pulled him to his feet. When she got his clothes back in place, she flushed the potty and led him back down the hall to the livingroom. He was terrified now, not knowing what was going to happen.
There was no gentleness in her touch this time as she pulled him roughly into her lap. “I warned you Baby, now Mommy has to be punished because you didn’t do what you were told.”
“I pwomithe, I be good,” he cried.
“It’s too late now, little boy. You have to learn.”
“Pweathe,” he begged around his paci. When she sat there for a moment with a thoughtful expression on her face, he hoped she would change her mind.
“I’ll tell you what little boy, I’ll let you take the punishment instead of Mommy.”
Fresh tears filled Eddy’s eyes as terror gripped him. He had no idea what she would do to him. This was the most difficult situation he had been in yet, since Katie had come to live with them. He really didn’t want Mommy to get hurt, but was terrified of how Katie would punish him. With a hopeful expression, he asked in a tearful voice, “Thpankin’?” playing up the little boy persona.
“No Sweety, no spanking. I’m not going to tell you what will happen, Baby. Tell me right now what you want. Do you want me to punish you, or Mommy?” with a terrifying glare.
A second later he cried, “Me.” He didn’t care what she did to him, he couldn’t bear the thought of Mommy getting hurt because he forgot.
“All right, it won’t happen until tomorrow afternoon, and if you’re a good little baby boy, It’ll be easier on you, I promise,” she told him sweetly.
Eddy sat with his eyes wide open, shocked. “Baby boy,” he thought, not believing what he heard.
“That’s right Sweety, you’re going to be a sweet little baby boy now.”
“Pweathe, don’t make me,” he cried now. He didn’t want to be a baby. He didn’t want to be a little boy either, but had because it kept Mommy safe.
“Yes, Baby. Mommy’s already got nice soft dipeys for you. And that’s what you’re going to call them, aren’t you Sweety?” she asked with that crazy look in her eyes.
“Mmmm Hmmm…” he answered, nursing furiously on his paci now.
“She’s going to put a dipey on you at night night time, and you’re not going to fuss at all about it are you?” she asked with a glare.
“No,” he whimpered.
“So what are you going to be wearing now?” she asked with a mocking smile.
Eddy blushed brightly, and answered, “Dipeyth.”
“Good boy,” she said with a kiss to his cheek. “You sound so sweet with your paci. In fact I don’t want to see you without it, or Mister Bear, from now on, got it?”
“You need to nurse on it all the time, Baby. If I see you not nursing, I’ll have to punish Mommy, and this time, I won’t let you take the punishment.”
Eddy laid there nursing furiously, scared that he would forget, and Mommy would get hurt. A second later, Katie told him, “Oh, and Baby, once Mommy gets your dipey on, you cry for a ba-ba, understand?” leaving no question that she would hurt Mommy if he didn’t.
“Pweathe no…” he whimpered.
“Yes, Baby, If you go to sleep without your ba-ba, BAD things will happen,” she said with a glare. “Are you going to do as you’re told?” she asked him with a rough shake.
“Yeth!” he cried.
“What are you going to do, Baby?”
“Cwy for a ba-ba,” he sobbed softly.
“Good boy,” she told him and pulled him into a hug, the crazy look gone. She began patting his bottom gently and rocking him back and forth.
Eddy continued to cry as he nursed on his paci. He was glad to be able to nurse as he wondered what his punishment would be.
When they got into the bedroom, Jim turned to his wife and asked, “What happened?” his displeasure clear in his expression.
Laura explained everything that had happened earlier, and relayed Gary’s advice.
“Laura, he can’t take a pacifier. If he does, all of the kids are going to make fun of him. What do you think they’ll do? Pat him on the head, say, ‘Awww…that’s sweet’, and send him on his way? No, they’ll laugh at him and make him feel terrible,” he berated her.
“I’m sorry!” Laura cried, tears streaming down her cheeks. “He was crying for it, and I had to do something!” A second later, she cried, “Did you see how hurt he was when you came in and looked at him? He looked like he was ready to cry,” an angry expression on her face. “You don’t have to deal with this, I do. You leave the house early, and stay later and later every day. Jim, I understand, I really do. Everything going on has been hell on all of us, and in the past when things were difficult, you’ve always pulled away, keeping to yourself until you found a way to deal with it. I can’t handle that this time,” she sobbed. “I need your help, and so does Eddy. We know why Amy died, he doesn’t understand it,” she finished, sitting on the bed, covering her face with her hands as she continued to cry.
Jim took a deep breath, and let it out. Sitting next to his wife, he placed his hand on her back and said, “Look, I’m sorry, Honey, I didn’t mean to come down on you so hard.” in a caring tone. He felt terrible that he’d lashed out at someone he really loved. “I just…I don’t know how to help him.”
Laura hugged him then, and kissed his cheek. “I know, I had no idea what to do. That’s why I called Gary. I’m going to make an appointment for tomorrow so Gary can see how much Eddy’s changed, and maybe he can figure out a way to help him,” she explained. “But I need you to promise me something,” she added, pausing when her voice broke. “He needs you right now Hon, and I need you to promise you’ll spend time with him.”
Jim tried to keep his emotions in check. A second later, he looked at the floor and said softly, “He doesn’t need me, I couldn’t even protect…” and couldn’t finish the sentence. His jaw muscles flexed as he clamped it shut, trying desperately to keep it together.
Laura pulled back, looked at him and finished his sentence with, “Amy,” as fresh tears streamed down both cheeks. “Honey, there’s nothing anyone could have done. I would have sold my soul to find a way to save her.” When Jim sat there, saying nothing, she continued with, “He DOES need you. He’s looking to you to show him he’s alright. The look he had earlier shows that.” With a desperate tone, she pleaded, “Please, go hold him. You’ll understand then. Just go hold him,” she cried.
Pulling her close, he hugged his wife tightly. “All right…All right.” he told her, trying to comfort her. He didn’t know how this was going to go, but was willing to try if it would help his son.
They stepped into the hall several minutes later, and Jim was feeling guilty. What Laura had said was right. Whenever things got really difficult, he had pulled back until he managed to work it out. That left her holding the bag and dealing with whatever came up. Even worse, that left Eddy without his father for a while. He didn’t know how he was going to change that, it had been his means of coping for many years. The problem was, before, it was always a short lived process. This time was different. It had been months since he’d lost his little girl, and still had no answers. Worse yet, he’d just lost his sister and nephew. He did know one thing though, what he was doing wasn’t working. His guilt surged when he remembered the sad expression on Eddy’s face when he’d looked at him earlier.
The short walk down the hall ended much sooner than he liked, but never one to half-ass anything, he went straight to Eddy and picked him up in his arms. When Eddy clung to him, he had to work hard to keep from breaking down right then. “Hi little fella,” he said in a thick voice.
When Eddy replied with a soft, fearful, “Hi Daddy,” Jim thought someone had just ripped his heart right out of his chest. He knew he was responsible for the fear he heard in Eddy’s voice, and couldn’t bear to see it continue. He sat down in the recliner, extended the footrest which allowed him to lay back, and shifted Eddy so he was snuggled up close, his bear held tightly in one arm. Jim watched for a moment as Eddy’s pacifier moved rhythmically in and out as he nursed. When his eyes moved to meet his son’s gaze, the fear he saw there cut deep.
Looking Eddy directly in the eye, Jim reached over, tapped Eddy’s pacifier with his left index finger and asked, “Does that paci feel good, Sweetheart?” in as comforting a tone as he could manage. He hadn’t spoken to his son like that in at least five years.
A lump formed in Jim’s throat as Eddy’s eyes teared and he replied with a soft, “Uh huh,” blushing and looking down as he spoke.
Lifting Eddy’s chin, forcing the boy to look at him, he said, “Good, little boy, I’m glad.”
Eddy started crying softly then, and then scrambled up until he was hugging his daddy, his face buried in Jim’s neck. Jim instinctively placed his large hand on his son’s bottom and began patting gently, as a small crack in the dam appeared and a single tear made it’s way down his cheek.
A moment later, the dam burst when a soft, “I wub you Daddy,” sounded from his little boy. Jim had last heard that from his little girl, the day before she passed. He couldn’t help the sobbing then, and felt terrible when Eddy tensed up and cried a tearful, “Daddy?” as he lifted his head to see what was wrong.
Jim was grateful when Laura rushed to their side, eased Eddy’s head back down, and told him in a thick voice, “It’s alright Baby, Daddy’s just upset. He’s missing your little sister.”
Jim heard Eddy start to cry in earnest then, long hard sobs wracking his body. He placed his hand gently on the back of Eddy’s head and cried with him. Father and son released a great deal of pent up hurt over the next several minutes, each grateful for the comfort of the other.
Even after the crying was over, Eddy stayed cuddled up with his Daddy, hugging his bear tightly, and nursing his paci. Daddy’s hand steadily patting his bottom felt good and he didn’t want to move. He wasn’t happy when Mommy said, “I think it’s time for bed now, Sweety.” He didn’t want to go to bed. Mommy was going to make him wear a dipey, and he would have to cry for a ba-ba. After the look Daddy gave him when he saw his paci, he didn’t think Daddy would like him asking for a ba-ba at all.
“No Mommy.” he whimpered.
“Yes, Honey. We have to go out tomorrow, and I don’t want you to be tired. Give Daddy hugs and kisses now.”
Eddy hugged Daddy tight for a second before taking his paci out long enough to kiss him on the cheek. “Night night Daddy,” he said, sounding so cute.
“Night night little fella,” Daddy told him with a hug and a kiss. “You be a good boy for Mommy now, okay?”
With a sad expression, Eddy answered, “Okay.”
“That’s a good boy.”
“Come on Sweety, I want you to go potty for me.” Mommy said, took him by the hand and led him down the hall. Eddy was startled when they got to the potty and Mommy just pulled his pants down and sat him down. He was even more surprised when she pulled his clothes free of his ankles, and dropped them in the laundry hamper.
He was scared now. He sat there, trying not to go pee pee, knowing that Katie would do something awful if he didn’t need to pee pee when she came in his room later. It got worse when Mommy turned the water on in the sink. He fought hard not to squirm as he sat there. When the pressure began to become almost too much, he looked at Mommy and said, “I don’t gotta go.”
“Are you sure?” she asked, standing right in front of him.
“Uh huh,” he answered, hoping she would stand him up soon.
“All right Sweety, let’s get your teeth brushed then,” Laura told him, pulling him to his feet.
Eddy brushed his teeth quickly, trying to get done as fast as possible so he could get away from the running water. He was relieved when Mommy finally shut it off, after prodding him to brush spots he thought he had already gotten.
She led him by the hand into the hall way and he saw Katie going toward her bedroom. He almost started to cry when Mommy said, “Katie, why don’t you come with us, I want you to see how to get him ready for bed. There might be times that I’ll need you to put him to bed.”
“Okay.” Katie replied, and followed them into Eddy’s room.
When they got there, Mommy said, “Come here Sweety,” and sat down on his bed. He almost started crying when he heard the crinkle of the plastic sheet on his mattress. He hated that plastic sheet. It was a sign that he wasn’t able to stay dry at night. He also hated the fact that he was standing right in front of Mommy with nothing on his bottom, and Katie was right there watching him.
“You had an accident last night, didn’t you honey?” Mommy asked him.
“And you also wet when you took a nap this afternoon.”
“Do you remember the rules from when you used to wet?”
Eddy remembered them, but didn’t want to. “Yeah.”
“What are they?” Mommy asked.
“If I wet two timeth, I gotta weaw a puww-up,” he answered, trying hard not to blush.
“That’s right Honey, and how many dry nights do you need to have before you can wear underpants to bed again?”
“Twee,” he said around his paci.
“That’s right. Sweetheart, I don’t want to hear any fussing about it, but you can’t wear pull-ups now. You wet a lot last night, and the pull-ups won’t hold it. I’m going to put a diaper on you now, understand?”
Eddy didn’t want to make Katie mad, but he just had to make Mommy understand that he didn’t want to wear a dipey. After a second of thought, he looked at Mommy and asked, “Do I hab to weaw a dipey?”
“Yes, Baby, you have to wear a dipey,” she told him with a soft pat to his bare bottom.
“Awight,” he sighed.
“That’s a good boy,” she praised.
Mommy stood, pulled the covers back and lifted Eddy up, laying him down on his bed. He covered his privates with his hands when Mommy turned to go to the dresser, but quickly took his hands away when Katie glared at him.
It took all of his will power not to cry when he saw the dipey and the baby powder in Mommy’s hand as came back to the bed.
“All right Sweety, lift up for me,” she said as she tapped his thigh with her fingers.
Eddy planted both feet on the bed, and pushed his bottom off of the sheet. When Mommy slid the dipey under him, she put a gentle pressure on his hip, and he laid his bottom down. Again tears threatened as he felt the padding of the dipey on his bottom. He wanted so badly to scream at the top of his lungs, “I’m not a baby! Katie made me pee pee in the bed! It’s her fault!” but just laid there quietly, even as Mommy lifted his ankles up and sprinkled baby powder on his bottom. It felt good, he had to admit to himself, when Mommy caressed the soft powder into his behind. He had to fight a blush again when she started smoothing the sweet smelling powder over his front, with Katie watching, smiling at him all the while.
“You need to make sure that you coat all of the creases with powder,” Mommy said as she lifted his little scrotum up and showed Katie. “If you don’t, he’ll get a rash.”
Eddy wanted to curl up and disappear right then. Instead, he turned to the only comfort he had available and snuggled his bear while nursing rapidly on his paci.
When Mommy pulled the dipey up between his legs and taped it snug against his bottom, he almost started crying. She patted his dipey gently and told him, “All done Sweety,” and he was glad the ordeal was over.
Mommy sat him up then, hugged him close with a pat to his dipey, and kissed his cheek, saying, “Night night Sweety.”
Eddy didn’t want to, but fear pushed him to whimper, “Ba-ba?” He saw Mommy’s eyes tear up, and desperately wanted to tell her everything, but instead repeated, “Ba-ba Mommy?” in a pitiful tone.
“Are you sure you want a ba-ba Honey? Ba-ba’s are for babies, not for big boys.” she asked him.
Eddy couldn’t hold it in anymore and started crying. Mommy thought he was a baby, and he couldn’t do anything but confirm that belief when he cried, “Pweathe Mommy, ba-baaaa.”
“Okay Baby, Mommy will get you a ba-ba,” she told him.
“I can get it, where is it?” Katie asked Mommy.
With a grateful look, Mommy sat down and pulled Eddy into her lap, facing her. “Thank you. It’s in the cabinet, over the sink. Fill it half with water, and half apple juice. Don’t use any more than half juice, or he’ll get diarrhea.”
“Okay, I’ll be back in a sec.”
Eddy watched Katie leave with dread. He was going to have to drink from a ba-ba now. Mommy began patting his dipey as she snuggled him close, and he nuzzled his face against her chest. He didn’t want to admit it, but his dipey felt good as she patted. It was soft against his bottom, and gave him warm feelings. The smell of the dipey, mixed with baby powder was pleasant, and he just laid there nursing his paci, enjoying the sensations.
Too soon, Katie came back into the room, and Mommy laid him down on his bed. He looked at Katie as Mommy pulled his paci out, and the glare Katie gave him made him start nursing the instant he felt the nipple enter his mouth. He reached up and took the ba-ba from Mommy’s hand, hating the smile that Katie gave him as he did so. He felt like a baby, when Katie cooed, “Do you like that ba-ba, Baby?”
He had no choice but to nod his head yes, as he continued to nurse.
“All right Sweety, I’ll put your paci right here for when you want it,” Mommy told him as she slid the paci under his pillow. With a soft kiss to his forehead, she said “Drink your ba-ba and go night night, Baby.”
Eddy pulled the ba-ba from his mouth, kissed her cheek and put it back before saying, “Nigh’ nigh’ Mommy.”
“Give night night kisses to Katie, Baby.” she told him.
Not wanting to make Katie mad, he gave her kisses.
“Night night, Baby,” Katie said sweetly, a big smile on her face.
Katie left the room, and Mommy stood watching him for a moment as he nursed his ba-ba. A second later, she turned the light off and left, closing the door behind her.
It was only ten minutes later that Katie slipped through the door. She sat down on the bed, pulled his covers back, and cooed, “Don’t you look sweet in your baby diapers. You’re just such a cute baby boy…yes you are,” she finished, with a pat to his dipey.
Eddy wanted to disappear right then. She was talking to him like he was a little baby. Tears came as he blushed, and he nursed faster on his paci.
Katie picked up the ba-ba from the bed, pulled his paci out, and offered him the nipple. “Drink up Baby. When someone gives you a ba-ba, you drink it all gone, got it?” When Eddy started nursing, and didn’t answer, she growled, “Got it?”
“Yeth.” he whimpered.
“That’s a good baby.”
Eddy closed his eyes then, concentrating on the feel of the nipple. It helped make the hurt easier to handle. He started crying softly again when he felt Katie place her hand on his dipey and say, “All right Baby, time to make your dipey all pee pee wet now.”
With tears streaming, Eddy relaxed, and let his pee pee go. He felt utterly ridiculous laying there nursing a ba-ba, as he went pee pee in a dipey. He could feel the warm wetness spreading across the front, and working it’s way down between his legs. A couple seconds later, he moved his legs further apart as the dipey swelled up with pee pee.
“That’s it, Baby Boy, make that dipey all wet,” Katie told him. She smiled a big smile, kissed him on the cheek and said, “You’re such a good baby.” Pulling the covers up and tucking him in, she smiled and said, “I’ll be back with another ba-ba for you later. You go night night now,” stood and walked to the door. When she got there, she turned, looked at him and whispered loudly, “And Baby, remember, you get punished tomorrow,” smiled a terrifying smile, and left the room.
Eddy continued to nurse the ba-ba, frightened now, as visions of her torturing him entered his ten year old imagination. He knew that her brother and parents died in a fire, and pictured her holding a flame under his feet, like he’d seen in the movies. This brought tears, and had him trembling. By the time he finished his ba-ba and took his paci, he was terrified. It took at least an hour before exhaustion claimed him, and he fell into a fitful sleep.
He had no idea what time it was when she woke him by pulling his paci out of his mouth. When he felt the nipple of a ba-ba, he latched on and began nursing. The familiar feeling of her hand on his dipey was all he needed to start going pee pee. His bladder was painfully full, and he was glad to release it into the dipey.
“That’s a good baby,” she cooed softly.
He still hadn’t opened his eyes.
“I didn’t even have to tell you to make pee pee’s did I. I think you’re ready for the next step, Baby.”
That had his eyes open wide with anxiety.
“That’s right Sweety, no more potty,” she explained.
“What?” he whimpered.
“No more potty, Baby. Babies don’t use the potty. From now on Sweety, you’re going to go in your dipeys and your pants. If Mommy or I put you on the potty, you sit there like a sweet little baby boy, but you don’t go, got it?”
Eddy cried softly around his ba-ba. If he did what she told him, Mommy would make him wear dipeys all the time.
“Answer me!” she whispered hotly when he took too long.
“Yeth,” he cried.
“Good boy,” she replied. With a gentle pat to his very wet dipey, she said, “Don’t worry Baby, you’ll get used to pee pee wet, and poopy dipeys, I promise.”
When he cried harder, she pulled him into her lap, laid him back against her arm and took his ba-ba from his hand, holding it for him. She began to rock back and forth and said, “Shhhhh….hush little baby and drink your ba-ba….shhhhhh.”
Afraid to make her mad, Eddy lay there nursing the juice from his ba-ba. It tasted sweet, and the nipple felt good, so he pushed all thoughts away and concentrated on the comfort of the ba-ba. When the ba-ba was all gone, she laid him back down, tucked him in and kissed him before whispering into his ear, “Don’t forget your punishment Baby,” and left the room.
Eddy cried for a moment before cuddling his bear close, and nursing hard and fast on his paci. He refused to think about anything else but the softness of Mister Bear, and the comfort of the nipple. For the first time in a while, he drifted into a peaceful sleep.