Alone in the dark
While this isn’t the worst story that’s been posted here, it’s still rather terrible.
“RUN ALEX RUN!”
Shouted Steve as the figure glided effortlessly towards the boy.
Why is your speaker tag separated from the dialogue? This seems to be a problem throughout and I’ve seen it in other stories as well. It should be “Dialogue,” said character. NOT “Dialogue.” Said character.
“Ill get you Alex, you shall pay for what you have done! You are doomed!” Whispered the figure inside Alex’s mind.
An exclamation point is the equivalent of shouting. They should be used sparingly, for emphasis. Not only are you overusing them, but to have someone whisper an exclamation makes no sense.
Further, how is Steve able to percieve what is in Alex’s mind?
But Alex couldn’t move he was paralyzed by the voice whispering unspoken words in the darkness and getting ever closer but seeming miles away.
On top of the snowy mountain, on the darkest night, with a full moon shining, Blood stains the mountain side.
Period needed after move, the h in he should be capitalized. In the next sentence, b in blood should be lowercase.
Also, this is very generic. While I believe you are trying to convey creepyness, it doesn’t work if the image you project is one that is too obvious and recognizable. Dark night/full moon is a cliche.
It was a warm summers evening, Alex whistled to himself as he walked up the unfamiliar path to his unknown location to meet an unmet friend in a strange world.
This should be either “summer evening” or “summer’s evening.” Also, sentence break is needed after evening. Otherwise, it reads as if Alex is whistling, “It was a warm summers evening” to himself, which makes no sense. Next, some detail would help here. What does the path look like? Where is he walking? What’s so strange about this world?
You see Alex was not a normal child, although his past was misty and unknown, it was obvious to locals that this child was different, He looked fine and normal, apart from the glowing red eyes he had adopted from birth. He had a tail, big bushy and long, and paws instead of hands, furry warm and hard. Everything else was practically the same.
Yikes…more evidence if you not knowing how and where to end a sentence. Also, who’s narrating here? You go from third-person limited, pretty close to Alex to a more omniscient narrator talking about Alex. What gives? And I think it’s problematic to suggest that he has a tail and red eyes but is otherwise the same and just leave it at that. This raises a big, gigantic why, in terms of his condition and how it affects him.
He was now walking with just a t-shirt and baggy shorts that drooped from his waist, not knowing what was expected here or whom he would encounter. He did no though that he was on a mission, as he would not have been sent out to go 100 miles on foot otherwise.
Know=to retain knowledge of something; no=a negative response. Don’t confuse the two.
This passage also begs the question: if there’s this much uncertainty surrounding his “mission” why is he going on it? Why isn’t he like, “100 miles on foot? Fuck that!”
Alex walked into a village and looked at the piece of paper which said
He found a tree and sat under it wondering what to do next
This isn’t an RPG. We don’t have a screen in front of us that shows us this village. You need to describe it to us. Is is abandoned? Impoverished? Are there a bunch of people staring at this red-eyed freak as he walks by?
Also, did you mean for it to be Crow’s Head? Because it reads right now like “Crowsheed.”
Lastly, “wondering what to do next” is a transparent attempt at a cliffhanger, but cliffhangers only work if you build enough interest leading up to the moment of uncertainty. You’ve failed to do that here. Why should we care about what Alex does next? We don’t know anything about him except for his deformities and what kind of clothing he has on. Give us something more to go on and we might actually want to read more of this.