Chapter 11 – Katie’s Mystery Revealed
When I woke up the next morning, I was still reeling a bit from what had
been up to that point, the weirdest dream I’d EVER had. How often does a
person come face to face with himself in a dream? As both a girl AND a
boy? It seemed as though this was the kind of thing that I should be
telling Dr. Carla about, but I hadn’t quite been able to figure her out
yet. I was still lying in my bed thinking about the previous night’s
dream when Beckie knocked gently on my bedroom door.
“Peter? Are you awake yet?” she called softly from the other side of the
“Um… Yeah, sorry Beckie, I’ll be downstairs in a minute,” I answered as
I threw back the covers and jumped out of bed.
I was anxious to get into the bathroom to see how I looked in the mirror
this morning as I was still so freaked out about that dream that I was
sure I’d look like Katie again. I waited until I heard Beckie making her
way back down the stairs and then quickly dashed into the bathroom.
I approached the mirror cautiously – almost as if I were afraid that
something was going to jump out of it and bite me. I let out a sigh of
relief when I saw my normal reflection staring back at me. I suddenly
felt a bit silly, I mean… what was I REALLY expecting I’d see? It was
only a dream after all and there was no reason for me to be feeling so
tense. I decided to take care of my usual morning business in the
bathroom while I was there and then headed down to have breakfast with
“Good morning!” she said cheerfully as she placed a bowl of cereal in
front of me. “Did you sleep well?”
In spite of my self-assurances I’d made in the bathroom just before
coming downstairs, I was a bit startled at her question and for the
briefest of moments wondered if she knew about that dream. I shook my
head and almost laughed out loud when I realized I was just being
paranoid. Still, it isn’t like Beckie to be in such a cheery mood with me
for no reason at all. Maybe Jason’s brother Brian finally asked her out
on a date or something.
“I’m okay, thanks,” I responded quietly and started to eat my cereal.
Beckie’s good mood continued to remain a mystery to me through the rest
of breakfast. Normally this would be enough to make me really nervous
that she was about to pull something on me, but for some reason I
couldn’t explain I somehow knew that she was just in a feel-good sort of
mood and there was nothing for me to worry about. I decided that I’d make
the most of the situation and get out of her hair quickly before her mood
changed and she made me stay home and do chores with her or something
After breakfast, I went back upstairs to get dressed for the day and for
a moment accidentally walked into Beckie’s room by mistake. I was really
surprised that I’d gone and done that without even realizing it and I was
grateful that Beckie hadn’t been upstairs at the time to see me do it.
Good mood or not, that was the sort of thing that older sisters REALLY
hate when done by their younger brothers and I didn’t want to start the
day with Beckie on the warpath. Needless to say, I quickly retreated to
my own room as silently as I could, got dressed and then headed over to
When I got to Jason’s house, I was a little surprised that Brian didn’t
greet me with one of his usual teases about being a girl when he let me
in. Tom, however, could always be counted on to be a jerk and was never
one to let an opportunity to prove it pass him by.
“What, no dress today little girl?” he said with a stupid looking grin on
his face as I entered their Kitchen.
I refused to take his bait, so I just sighed deeply and shook my head.
Jason, who was finishing up his breakfast opposite from Tom, grunted and
shot him a nasty look.
“What’s the matter Jason? You don’t like me bothering your little
girlfriend over there?” Tom teased. “Maybe if she’d dress like the girl
we know she is more often we wouldn’t keep confusing her with some boy
“Can it, Tom.” Brian ordered from the doorway. “Lay off the kid for now.”
He gave Tom a bit of a stern look, which kind of surprised him for a
moment but then Tom simply shrugged it off and carried his plate over to
“Catch you later girls!” he said to Jason and me as he headed down with
Brian to their rec-room. No doubt another table-tennis championship was
awaiting them so at least Jason and I could be reasonably sure that his
brothers would be pre-occupied enough with their game to bother with us.
“Your brother Tom can really be a Jerk, you know,” I said to Jason after
they’d left the room. “This is exactly the kind of thing I was afraid
would happen after those two caught me dressed up as Katie last week.”
“Yeah, yeah… I know,” Jason said despondently. “He says the same stuff
to me sometimes as well. Being turned into ‘Baby Suzie’ by your sister
and her friends didn’t make my life any easier around here either, you
I conceded his point and suggested that we get out of here and head down
to the park or something for the rest of the morning. He also seemed to
be quite eager to get away from his brothers so he put his dishes in the
sink and we took off to the park.
There was a larger than usual group of kids gathered at the park that
morning when we arrived. It looked as though they were trying to get a
game of baseball together and were arguing over teams and the fact that
they were a few players short. As it turned out, with Jason and my
arrival we seemed to be all they needed and were asked to play. Normally
I’m not terribly eager to engage in play with larger groups of kids, but
for baseball I’d make an exception. It was one of the few sports I could
do where my limited physical ability wasn’t as noticeable so I wouldn’t
get teased quite as much by other kids. On top of that, it was a lot of
fun to play even if I wasn’t the best athlete on the team.
As soon as we’d agreed to play, I was a little disappointed when Jason
and I had been assigned to opposing teams. It only took a moment to
realize why, though. As is typical behaviour for kids under the age of
14, games are often grouped along gender lines. No doubt the phrase
‘girls against boys’ has been a common childhood saying for generations.
This game was no different and I was surprised to see that I was now on
the girls’ team. Even though I often get mistaken for a girl regardless
of how I’m dressed, I was unsure if I should try to point out the error
to the girls or not. I discovered later on in life that some questions
are often better left un-asked. It would be quite humiliating to discover
that they knew I was a boy, but thought to be far too girlish to play on
the boys’ team.
As it turned out, I found out. I had been chosen by the girls, as opposed
to being rejected by the boys and they knew exactly who I was because the
team’s ‘captain’ was a girl named Nancy, who had been in my class at
school that year.
“Thanks for playing on our team today, Peter,” Nancy told me as our team
walked to our side of the baseball diamond to decide what field positions
we’d each play. “I know it must seem a bit weird to you to have to play
on a girls’ team, but we really need an extra player and we’d much rather
have you than any of those other boys, right girls?” she said to the rest
of the group.
There were a lot of shouts of agreement from the rest of the girls so I
simply shrugged and told Nancy I was okay with it all. I started to think
that maybe this wouldn’t be so bad since it seemed that the girls really
wanted me as a player and weren’t simply tolerating me as they would
otherwise be a player short.
The boys’ team took to the infield first, so our team went to bat first.
As to be expected, the boys would shout all kinds of comments to our
players as each girl had her turn at bat. We didn’t get any runs in that
first inning, but at least we got a couple of base hits. The girls had me
play the shortstop position when we went to the infield – which earned
me a lot of teasing from some members of the boys’ team as I was
ironically also one of the smallest players on the girls’ team. Any other
time I’ve played baseball I’m usually stuck playing an outfield position
since most boys don’t think much of my abilities to play any of the
infield positions. The girls obviously had more confidence in my playing
ability than even I had, so I crossed my fingers and hoped I wouldn’t end
up letting them down.
For most of the game, it was pretty even between the two teams. For all
of their arrogance and teasing, the boys’ team weren’t really dominating
the game in runs as much as they’d been bragging they would before we
started playing. They did have a couple of runs more than we did, but a
good effort at bat by our team could easily put us in the lead again.
This was putting a certain amount of pressure on me because each time I’d
been at bat so far in the game, I’d been struck out easily by their
pitcher. By the time we were coming down to the final few innings of the
game, our team was running out of chances so we needed to get some runs
in. We’d managed to get a couple of players on base when my turn at bat
came up again and I started to panic, thinking that I’d blow it again and
then everybody would think I wasn’t even good enough to play on a girls’
team. I was so nervous that I was trembling and I hoped it wasn’t too
“Peter,” Nancy said to me gently as she came up beside me and laid her
hand on my shoulder. “Just try to relax. You’re doing fine, you know.
You aren’t the only player on our team who hasn’t had a hit in the game
so far. You look as though you’re going to fall down or something!”
I looked at her and gave her a nervous smile. I promised her that I’d try
to relax a bit and then went to take my position at bat. The players on
the boys’ team immediately started with the teasing as I was walking
over. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths to try and calm myself
as I kept reminding myself that they’re just trying to pressure me so
I’ll blow my turn at bat.
“Hey Peter,” their pitcher shouted to me, “Why don’t you just take your
three swings right now and save me the time of having to strike you out?”
Most of their team laughed and shouted similar things to me. “C’mon
Peter,” said another “we thought that you’d at least be able to play on a
girls’ team, are you trying to make us believe that you can’t even do
I glanced over at Nancy and the rest of the girls and was a little
surprised to see everyone looking back and giving me the ‘thumbs up’ for
encouragement. I felt an incredible wave of calm flow through me then and
I realized that I’d gotten myself all worked up for the dumbest of
reasons. Who was it I was trying to impress, anyways, all the guys on the
other team? They’d made it clear from the start that they didn’t think
much of my playing ability – or the abilities of any of the girls on our
team. They were so arrogant that they’d even brought all of their
outfielders closer while I was up at bat to show me they figured I’d
never get a hit and if I did, they doubted it would go very far. The
girls, on the other hand, were completely supportive of me regardless of
how I’d been playing up to that point. To them, I was a valued member of
their team and they stood by me no matter what.
This realization completely eradicated the trembling in my limbs and I
was able to focus on the pitcher with complete clarity. I wanted to hit
that ball now, but not just to show up the boys. I wanted to do it for my
teammates and for some reason I knew with absolute certainty that this
time it was going to happen. The first pitch that came in narrowly missed
bruising my ankle – which earned the pitcher a lot of angry shouts from
my teammates. Needless to say, I didn’t swing at it or the next 2 pitches
either as it was obvious that the pitcher believed me to be desperate
enough to swing at anything. He was starting to draw some negative
comments from his own teammates at that point and was told to ‘quit
screwing around’, lest he should accidentally walk me to base. Whatever
levels of pride or arrogance was driving this guy, he’d finished toying
with me and the next throw was dead-on fastball, or at least… that’s
what I was told it was later on by the rest of my teammates.
When he’d thrown that pitch, for some reason everything appeared to me to
be going in slow-motion as I tracked the ball coming towards me. From my
perspective, the ball was going so ridiculously slow that I couldn’t
possibly miss it, so I swung and clobbered it. There was a resounding
crack immediately followed by the entire boys’ team simultaneously
sucking in their breath. No doubt at that point they’d regretted being so
cocky and pulling their outfielders so close – not that it would have
helped them much if they’d been in their regular places because that was
a serious home-run hit. I was absolutely stunned by what I’d just done,
but was snapped out of my daze by my teammates cheering me like crazy, so
I did the per functionary jog around the bases. Jason, who was playing
third base, gave me two thumbs up andcongratulated me as I passed by him,
but he was the only one.
Thanks to my home run, we had caught up and were leading the boys’ team
by a single run. Our next batter was our last out and sent our team back
to the field to try and defend our lead. If we could do it, we’d win – a
fact that was definitely not lost on the boys who were determined not to
be beaten by a ‘bunch of girls’. The euphoria of my surprising success at
bat was now starting to fade as I was back out playing shortstop. I had
fumbled a few times on a couple of plays earlier in the game that had
prevented our team from catching runners out as fast as we should have,
but none of the girls blamed me. I crossed my fingers again as the first
batter went up to the plate and hoped that I wouldn’t let the girls down
when we were so close to victory.
The first batter got a hit right away and made it to base, as did the
second batter. If they got a decent enough hit in, they’d get at least
one runner in to tie the game and then they’d probably wear us down to
get the winning runs in. There were no more innings left in that game so
we had to shut their team down before they could make a single run if we
wanted to win. Their next batter was, unfortunately for us, one of their
best hitters so our chances were not looking very good. He got his hit
all right, and it came straight at me!
Once again I experienced that strange sensation of time slowing down and
the ball seemed to crawl towards me to the point where I could just reach
up and snatch it out of the air. I caught it and threw it immediately to
our third base and that runner was nailed. I couldn’t believe it! I’d
just been responsible for a double-play! My teammates practically went
crazy and they all charged me at once and caught me in a huge group hug.
It probably would have been safe to say that even if we’d lost the game
after that, it wouldn’t have mattered to us. There was still a runner on
second base, but by that point the boys’ team was pretty de-moralized and
started to make a few slip-ups.
I figured the runner would at least try to steal a base, but for some
reason he was afraid to try running past me. We got their final out by
striking out the last batter and then victory was ours. If I’d thought
that the girls were all crazy and excited before, it couldn’t compare to
how they’d reacted after the game was over.
“Peter, that was AMAZING!!” Nancy said while trying to catch her breath,
“Maybe the boys won’t be so quick in letting us have you next time!”
“Well, they can try but Peter is OURS,” said another girl.
There was a lot of gleeful hugging and high-fives going on as the boys’
team captain came over with the rest of his team to congratulate us.
Even though we’d pulled off some outstanding ball-playing by even their
standards, they still were quick to try and make as little of it as
“Good game, girls,” he said. “You got a few lucky plays in there, but you
won’t be so lucky next time.”
“It isn’t all luck, you know Jeff!” Nancy said as she stepped out of our
group to face him. “We beat you because we played as a team and we
supported every member of our team, even when things didn’t go as well as
we would have hoped they would.”
Jeff, who was probably more irritated that his team lost to girls then at
me in particular, shot me a dirty look.
“Say what you want Nancy, but next time we’ll see if the little sissy
over there manages to luck out like that again,” he said somewhat
Hearing him say those words felt as though someone had just slapped me
across my face. As I looked from Jeff’s face to those of the other boys I
saw a lot of similar looks coming from them. I couldn’t understand why
they were blaming me for their loss and they weren’t being very subtle
about it, either. I had hoped that my performance in that day’s game
would earn me a little hard-won respect in their eyes for a change, but
that wasn’t to be. It seemed that no matter what I did, most boys would
never accept me. I felt tears forming in my eyes as the last of the
enthusiasm I’d felt about our victory was swept away.
“Look… the little sissy’s gonna start to cry now!” said one boy as he
pointed at me. “It looks like he’s on the right team after all. Maybe you
girls should dress him like the rest of you so there’ll be no doubt where
The rest of their team all laughed at me as they turned and left the
field, except for Jason who said nothing and stayed behind with me. By
then, a couple of tears finally did roll down my cheeks as the rest of
our team crowded around me to comfort me.
“Don’t let it bother you, Peter,” Nancy said soothingly. “They’re all
just a bunch of jerks anyways. You’re not like them at all… why do you
think we wanted you for our team?”
I sniffled a bit. “Maybe because you thought I was a sissy just like
they’re saying I am,” I answered miserably.
“That’s not true! You’re not a sissy to us! You’re… well, I don’t
know … much gentler than they are. You’re not like any of them. You’re
more like us.”
Nancy had said that last part accidentally but by then it was too late to
take it back. She looked at me a little guiltily, fearing that she might
just have upset me even more. She was surprised when I gave her a weak
smile and simply told her, “I know.”
“They’re right you know, Peter” Jason finally said. “You aren’t like the
rest of us, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. The guys are all
just sore because they figured you couldn’t play ball very well and you
ended up making them all look dumb.”
The rest of the girls, who were impressed that Jason stayed with me,
agreed and encouraged me to forget about all those other idiots. We’d won
the game, after all. Not only had we out-played them, but in the end we’d
out-classed them as well. There really wasn’t anything to be sad about.
By then it was just around noon so everyone broke up to go their separate
ways for lunch. I invited Jason to return home with me and he accepted –
although a bit reluctantly as he was still a little nervous around
Beckie. When we got back to my place, I was glad to see that Beckie was
still in the same pleasant mood from that morning so I was able to
confidently reassure Jason that he’d be okay. We made casual conversation
over lunch and got into discussing the baseball game of that morning. In
truth, most of the talking had been between Beckie and Jason as he seemed
to think a lot more of the game than I did. Beckie was a bit amused when
he’d told her I was picked for the girls’ team and was especially
interested in how I’d performed in the game, and in the last inning in
“You shoulda seen it,” Jason told her, “Not only was it an incredible
play, but it was Peter of all people that did it!”
“Gee, thanks a lot Jason,” I said sarcastically.
“No, really Peter… you did VERY well in the game today. In fact, I
don’t think I’ve ever seen you move as fast as I saw you move today. The
same for when you got the home run that put your team in the lead. I had
no idea you had it in you!”
“Well, to be perfectly honest I was just as surprised as everyone else
was,” I replied, “I was really nervous at first, but then I suddenly felt
really calm with all my teammates cheering me on and then I wasn’t
nervous at all. What’s really funny is that it almost felt as if
everything else around me had slowed down and that was how I was able to
play so well then.”
Beckie said nothing, but looked at me thoughtfully as Jason continued to
rant about my ‘outstanding playing’. After we’d finished lunch, I felt as
if I’d had enough of playing outdoors for the day and wanted to stay in
and play some video games. We offered to help clean up but Beckie told us
she’d be fine doing it by herself and told us to go down to the rec-room
and enjoy ourselves. Not being one to take such an offer for granted, I
headed downstairs with Jason in tow.
We played for the rest of the afternoon until Jason had to go home. I
went back up to my room to lie on my bed and stare up at the ceiling
while I thought about the days events. Things could really be confusing
sometimes, that was for certain. The day had started with me waking up
from that strange dream where I’d met myself in it as both a boy and a
girl. That got me thinking about what my reflection had told me. ‘We are
two and we both are one’.
Well, it seemed as if it was certainly true today. My girlish qualities
had definitely been more obvious lately, but today I discovered that I
still had boyish qualities as well. I hadn’t exactly been truthful to
Beckie and Jason during lunch. I was MORE surprised than anyone else
about how I’d performed. I couldn’t figure out why I was able to do it
then when I was never able to find that kind of ability before. Maybe the
Katie side of me had something to do with it.
Mom came home from work a little while later to start preparing dinner
for us. Lately Beckie had been taking a greater interest in cooking and
such so she did most of the cooking while Mom seemed to be offering her
pointers here and there. At the time, Beckie wasn’t as experienced as our
Mom at cooking, but she still made a pretty good dinner that night.
During our meal, Beckie told Mom about the baseball game and how I’d won
the game for my team practically single-handedly. I protested that it
wasn’t entirely true and insisted it was a team effort and I’d only
gotten a bit lucky, but Mom and Beckie wouldn’t allow me to be modest.
Mom was so proud of me that she insisted that we all go out for ice cream
after dinner to celebrate.
Well, what can one say to an offer like that? Ice cream was ice cream,
after all. We casually walked down to Jensen’s parlor after dinner and
upon arriving, Mom couldn’t resist telling Mr. Jensen about how we were
there celebrating my outstanding baseball playing earlier that day. I was
a little embarrassed by all the fuss she was making but I didn’t say
anything. There hadn’t really been too many days like this where I’d out-
shined other kids as dramatically as I had today and Mom was extremely
proud of me for it so I saw no reason to spoil it for her. Mr. Jensen was
impressed by the tale as well and he gave me an extra scoop of ice cream
for free as a treat.
Just as we were leaving the store, a couple of girls that I’d recognized
from our game that morning came in with their parents. They’d recognized
me immediately and excitedly pointed at me while telling their parents
“That’s him! that the boy we told you about from the game!” Their parents
looked over at us and then looked at me curiously for a moment before
they all came over to us and introduced themselves to Mom and Beckie.
“Our daughters have been ranting about their team’s exciting win over the
boys’ team this morning. You’re quite the fine lad and a good sport for
offering to play on the girls team,” their father said to me.
I was a little uncomfortable with all this praise I was getting as I felt
it wasn’t entirely fair to the rest of the girls who’d played. Besides
that, I hadn’t offered to play on the girls team, the girls had
specifically picked me when they’d seen Jason and myself coming to join
the game that morning. I decided it’d probably be better to keep that to
myself and just smiled and shook his hand.
We all exchanged some small-talk for another minute or so and then we
politely excused ourselves and headed out for a detour through the park
on our way back home. By the time we got back home, I was quite relieved
that Mom and Beckie seemed to have gotten tired of talking about my
‘surprising’ athletic ability that day. We finally settled into our usual
‘winding down’ evening routine and spent a bit of family time together
By the time I’d had my evening bath, I was more than ready for bed. That
day’s events had been much more vigorous for me than they usually were
and I was physically and even a little mentally exhausted. After Mom
tucked me in and kissed me goodnight, I wondered momentarily if I’d have
another odd dream like the night before but decided I was too tired to
worry about it.
As it turned out, I’d slept VERY deeply and very peacefully that night
and I couldn’t remember anything out of the ordinary that I’d dreamt
about during the night by the time morning came.
The following days until my Friday appointment with Dr. Carla were
surprisingly normal – although I do admit that my idea of ‘normal’ had
certainly been shaken up quite a bit over the past couple of weeks. Just
as it had been with the first appointment, it appeared that both Mom and
Beckie were making some effort to not mention my ‘Katie’ side at all. I
figured that it was probably some kind of instruction from Dr. Carla, but
since we’d never discussed Katie at that first meeting either, I was a
little confused as to what the point of it all was.
So, I’d spent those in-between days playing with Jason and doing the
sorts of things that the two of us normally did together when we had a
lot of free time. Beckie wasn’t all that pleased to see me return each
day covered in a noticeable amount of dirt, but surprisingly she didn’t
make a big deal out of it either.
By Thursday evening, I was feeling a lot more relaxed than I had been for
my first appointment. I guessed it was because for the second appointment
I thought I had a better idea of what to expect. By the time I’d finished
my evening bath, I soon discovered just how different things were going
to be this time.
Mom had come into the bathroom near the end of my bathtime and spent a
fewminutes playing with me before she helped me out of the tub so she
could dry me off.
“Are you looking forward to your visit with Dr. Carla tomorrow, sweetie?”
she asked as she was gently patting me down with a big fluffy towel.
It was a simple question to answer, but for some reason I had this
strange feeling that Mom was leading up to something, so I hesitated
before I answered.
“Sure, I guess… I mean, all we did was play some games last time. Is
that what we’re going to do tomorrow?” I asked her.
“Yes Dear, something like that,” Mom answered carefully. “What will be
different this time is that this appointment is for Katie, not Peter.”
Her answer caught me a bit off-guard, so I stayed quiet for the time
being as I wasn’t quite sure what to say next. Mom gathered me up in the
towel and carried me down the hall to her room, where I noticed that
there were diapers and a nightgown laid out on her bed waiting for me.
She gently put me down on the bed and then proceeded to powder and then
pin the diapers on me.
“Why do I have to become Katie for this appointment… and why now if the
appointment is for tomorrow?” I asked sullenly, finally breaking the
“Dr. Carla asked me to make sure that Katie has a proper start to the day
and that includes the night before,” she replied as she worked the
plastic pants up over my diaper, “Besides,” she said as she gently
tweaked my nose, “I haven’t seen Katie for awhile now and I miss having
my baby in my room with me.”
I giggled a bit in spite of myself and felt my apprehension start to melt
away while Mom finished dressing me for bed and started to set my hair in
pigtails. I was still a little nervous about showing up to see Dr. Carla
dressed up like a baby girl when she’d already met me as a boy, but I
resigned myself to the situation. I took a lot of comfort in the fact
that when I become Katie I’m completely un-recognizeable as a boy, so at
least I wouldn’t have to worry too much about anyone else figuring it
After Mom had finished setting my hair, she lifted me into the crib that
was still set up in her room and was tucking me in under the covers just
as Beckie entered the room with a baby bottle full of milk for me. I had
expected Beckie to try and have a little fun with me at my expense as she
normally did, but instead she quietly sat down on Mom’s bed and watched
me drink my bottle as Mom went to fetch a book to read to me. She stayed
for a little while as she sometimes does when Mom reads me a bedtime
story but eventually left without a word to have her evening shower.
Although it was a pleasant change to not endure any of the usual teasing
from her, it was almost a bit unnerving too. I guessed that Mom had
probably said something to her earlier about it. I fell asleep not too
long after that and enjoyed a very restful sleep that night.
The next morning, I was a bit unhappy but not altogether surprised to
find that I needed to be changed when Mom woke me up. Mom gently
reassured me that was one of the things that Dr. Carla was going to help
me with, so there was no need to be upset about it. She quickly changed
me into a dry diaper and got me dressed up in my yellow dress (‘my yellow
dress’? Hmmm…) with matching socks and the Mary Jane shoes I normally
Beckie had prepared breakfast for us ahead of time, so it was already
waiting for us when Mom brought me downstairs. Beckie couldn’t resist
telling me howadorable I looked when she saw me and somehow I knew she
was being sincere and not trying to tease me. I blushed a little but
didn’t say anything. I was a little concerned that Mom or Beckie might
try to spoon-feed me during breakfast, but fortunately that didn’t
happen. Except for having to wear a bib and drink from a spill-resistant
cup, I got through breakfast relatively painlessly.
After breakfast, Mom carried me over to the living room sofa and set me
down on it with a baby bottle full of juice and asked me to wait there
for her ‘like a good little girl’ while she quickly went back to her room
to get properly dressed. Out of habit, I got off the couch and started to
head towards the kitchen to help Beckie clear the table as I normally
did, but Beckie shooed me back into the living room, telling me to stay
put and she’d take care of it by herself. That was certainly ONE
advantage of being a baby, I suppose.
About 15 minutes later, Mom came back downstairs and carried me out to
the car where she carefully buckled me into the backseat and then we
headed off to Dr. Carla’s office.
In spite of my earlier confidence that my ‘disguise’ was nearly perfect,
I still felt a little self-conscious after we arrived at the Doctor’s
office. As we waited in the reception area, Mom could tell I was a bit
nervous from my fidgeting about so she held me in her lap and gently
bounced me on her knee a bit. If nothing else, that added to my overall
disguise and no one else in the reception area gave us a second glance,
although I was pretty sure that the receptionist had to have known
something was amiss since I’d been there as a boy only a few days
When the receptionist told us that Dr. Carla was ready to see us, I felt
my pulse quicken and I found myself hugging my mother tightly as I tried
to bury my face against her shoulder. This was it… now Dr. Carla was
going to meet Katie, but how would she react? Mom gently patted me on my
padded behind as she carried me in to the office and whispered softly
that everything was going to be alright.
Dr. Carla directed Mom to sit down with me in one of the larger chairs
while she pulled up a smaller one to sit opposite us.
“My my, this has to be the adorable little girl that I’ve heard so much
about!” she said with a gentle but friendly tone, “Hello Katie, I’m so
pleased to finally be able to meet you.”
My nerves were still a bit on edge because when I tried to respond, it
came out sounding a bit like a gasp. Dr. Carla smiled at me and simply
told me it was all right to be a little nervous at first and that I
should just try to relax. She then suggested we try more of those card
games to try and take my mind off of things. I perked up a bit at that
and soon the 3 of us were seated around a small table playing some more
of those games. After a few rounds, I had completely lost all of my
apprehension and forgot all about how I was dressed. In spite of my
attire, it appeared as though this was going to be the same kind of
meeting as the last one. Dr. Carla wanted to try me out on some more word
games which seemed to last a little longer than they had before, but I
didn’t really mind all that much. Finally, she showed me to a corner of
her office where she had an assortment of toys and books set out and told
me I could play with whatever I wanted while she and my mother had a
little ‘grown-up’ chat.
I noted that there was a significant amount of ‘girl stuff’ amongst the
toys and books. I immediately sensed that it was some kind of test to see
which toys I took an interest in, so I ignored the obvious and picked out
some stuff that my ‘Peter’ self would normally play with. After awhile,
it seemed that Dr. Carla and my Mother weren’t really watching me at all
and were engaged in a quiet conversation with each other. I was almost
disappointed that they hadn’t noticed me avoiding Dr. Carla’s ‘bait’, as
I looked over some of the things again. There were some stuffed animals
and play-jewelry and a fair amount of dolls. On a second glance, I found
something about one of the dolls in particular caught my eye. I looked
carefully out of the side of my eye to make sure that the adults weren’t
watching and I started to examine the doll in question, wondering why it
seemed almost… familiar somehow.
Suddenly, it hit me… the doll was wearing clothes similar to what I
remembered from my dream the other night and the hairstyle was almost
identical as well! I felt an odd shiver run through me as I recalled the
odd conversation my reflection in the mirror had with me. It was
obviously a coincidence as the doll wasn’t EXACTLY the same, but it was
close enough to throw me for a bit of a loop! I looked at the doll and
then down at the clothes I was wearing and absently wished that I’d be
able to wear ‘bigger girl’ clothes soon. I caught myself in that thought
and nearly laughed out loud as I realized what it was that I’d just
wished for, but I still had to press one of my hands over my mouth to
suppress a girlish giggle. I carefully set the doll down and found that I
was starting to take a real liking to some of the stuffed animals that
were in amongst the other toys. I had been stroking a stuffed cat on my
lap for a little while and pretending it was a real one when my mother
called me back to join her and Dr. Carla.
“So Katie, did you have a nice time playing with the toys?” Dr. Carla
I looked at her expectantly, as though I was waiting for her to ask me
something else. I assumed she’d make some mention of how I didn’t take
much notice of the girls’ toys, but she didn’t.
“Yes, they were kinda nea,t” I said quietly, noting how small and shy my
voice seemed to sound.
“You did look like you were having fun,” she said. “I noticed that you
paid extra attention to one of the dolls. Was there anything special
about that one that you liked?”
I caught my breath in a bit of a gasp and turned a little red. So they
HAD noticed after all! I was too embarassed to answer and found myself
instinctively hugging the stuffed cat I was holding closer to me.
Mom and Dr. Carla giggled a bit at this and then they both reassured me
that there was nothing to be embarrassed about. Dr. Carla asked again
about that doll and I got a strong sense that she seemed to know that
there was much more involved. At first I was reluctant to tell her about
the dream I’d had but eventually after some gentle coaxing by her and my
mother I told them everything. There was something about Dr. Carla that
made me want to trust her and I desperately hoped that she wouldn’t think
I was too weird for revealing that to her.
While I was telling them both about the dream, Dr. Carla made some notes
in her small notepad and would occasionally look over and give my mother
a nod as if something unspoken was passing between them. When I’d
finished, there was a minute or so of silence in which the only sound was
Dr. Carla’s pen scribbling away in her notebook. Finally, she closed it
up and set it down in front of her as she regarded me thoughtfully.
“Katie,” she began, “what do you think about Peter?”
I was a little puzzled by that and wasn’t quite sure how to answer. That
was kind of a strange question to ask me.
“He’s… I mean, I’m okay,” I answered hesitantly.
“And what does Peter think of you?” She asked.
“Umm… I’m not sure, I think he likes me okay… I mean, I think I like
being Katie sometimes”
I was starting to get a little confused. It was as if she was talking to
me as though I was two people – Peter and Katie. It was true that
sometimes it sort of felt as though I was two people, but I knew that
wasn’t possible. I wondered if that was what she was trying to tell me –
that I was two people instead of just one. It immediately brought into
mind the strange thing that my reflection kept repeating in my dream.
“Well Katie, after meeting with Peter the first time I wanted to be sure
to have a personal meeting with you to see how different the two of you
are. In a sense, to see if the two of you are VERY different. Do you
understand what I’m trying to say to you?”
I looked at my mother to try and get some sort of indication of how I
should answer but it seemed as if that was exactly what she was trying
NOT to do, so she merely sat quietly and waited for my response. I was
really nervous and confused all at once. I could sense that we’d arrived
at something very important and I was frustrated that I didn’t know what
to do now that we were here. I closed my eyes for a moment and silently
hoped that what I said next wouldn’t make things worse.
Finally, I took a deep breath and replied quietly, “I think you want to
know if I’m two people or just one, right?”
“That’s a very good guess, Katie,” she said with a knowing glance at my
mother. “While that is what your Mommy and I first thought, I don’t
believe that’s entirely the case. After having the chance to spend time
with both you and Peter, I’ve come to believe that you are yourself –
one person with two sides instead of two persons in one body.”
It was a little hard to follow how she’d said it, because at first it
almost sounded the same both times. I thought it over several times while
she turned her attention to my mother and explained in a more difficult
language what it was she’d determined was going on with me. I listened
quietly as the two of them talked and heard all kinds of terms that I’d
never heard before, but I eventually caught the jist of what was being
said. It was kind of a relief, actually.
What Dr. Carla was explaining to my mother in more detailed terms than
she had to me was that usually everyone has both a girl and a boy side to
them, with one side being stronger than the other. In my case, my girl
and boy side seemed to be perfectly balanced. The ‘games’ that we’d
played together on each visit turned out to be tests she’d designed to
measure certain things about the different ways that girls and boys
thought and my results showed that I was just as much a boy when I was
Peter as I was a girl when I was Katie. There was also a significant
amount of ‘mixing’ of the two sides – which actually made a LOT of sense
I felt as if my mind was a bit overwhelmed from trying to absorb what had
just been revealed to me so I shut my eyes for awhile and tried to drift
a bit as my mother and Dr. Carla continued to talk. At some point I must
have dozed off because I suddenly became aware of being carried by my
mother out of the office and Dr. Carla seeing us out. She gave me a quick
kiss on my cheek when she noticed I was awake and thanked me for coming
to visit her. There was some brief talk at the reception desk about
having some more ‘tests’ set up for me and then we waved goodbye and
headed out to the car.
On the drive back to our house, Mom didn’t say too much but I could sense
that there was a definite feeling of relief coming from her. I suspected
that she was afraid earlier that there was something more serious going
on with me and now she was glad that it wasn’t anything really bad.
Beckie was eagerly awaiting our return to the house so she could hear
about whatever it was the doctor had to say about me. Once Mom had
brought me into the house with her, she sat down on the living room sofa
with me and did a quick wetness check on my diaper. She seemed quite
pleased that I was not wet, but not anywhere near as pleased as I was. I
quietly asked if she’d let me out of the diapers so I could at least feel
a little more grown up, but she declined and told me that it was best
that I keep wearing them for a bit longer. I was a little disappointed
because although I didn’t mind being Katie, I didn’t particularly enjoy
being kept in diapers. Mom held me on her lap as she explained everything
to Beckie and in doing so, revealing a few things that I’d missed either
when I’d been playing by myself in Dr. Carla’s office or when I’d dozed
off that morning.
Dr. Carla was pretty certain that my ‘duality’ as both Katie and Peter
was more of an emotional thing than a mental one. She’d also found the
recent incidents of the baseball game as well as my apparent ‘heightened’
sense of smell suggested that there might be physiological factors
involved. That would be better determined after a series of tests she’d
arranged for some time in the next few weeks. I didn’t like the sound of
that at all and when I asked Mom what she meant by that she’d dodged the
question and changed the subject.
“So this doctor thinks that Peter is a boy and a girl at the same time?”
“Something like that, Rebecca. Peter is obviously a boy, but emotionally
he can be either one. When he’s Katie, she can be just as much a girl as
any girl her age.”
“Exactly what age would that be, Mother?” Beckie asked as she lifted me
into her lap and started to tickle me a bit.
Until that moment, I hadn’t even been sure if either of them was aware
that I was still in the room. Although I was a little put off from being
ignored by the two of them, I still giggled a bit in spite of myself.
Mom had an odd smile on her face as she answered, “That brings me to the
next point that I’m sure you’ll enjoy, Rebecca. Dr. Carla believes that
our little baby girl here needs her own chance to grow up so that she’ll
be able to be more emotionally matched to her Peter side.”
I wasn’t all that surprised to hear that bit of news and sighed quietly
as I guessed it meant I’d be spending more time in diapers instead of
less. Beckie was beside herself, though. To her, the news probably
couldn’t have been any better.
“Mom! Does this mean I’m going to have a baby sister for awhile?” she
“Not quite, Rebecca,” Mom replied carefully, “Dr. Carla suggests that we
allow Katie to start spending weekends here until she’ll be able to grow
up a bit. Peter will be living here the rest of the time since he’s as
much a part of the family as Katie is.”
That wasn’t quite as bad as I thought it would be because for a moment
I’d feared I’d be spending the rest of the summer in cribs, strollers and
playpens. Beckie looked a little disappointed for just a moment - perhaps
that was what she’d been hoping for - but was still happy with the news
and gave me a big hug to show it.
“Ohhh… this is going to be AMAZING! I get to have my precious baby
sister every weekend from now on! Jessie and Sam are going to be soooo
“Well, try not to get too carried away Rebecca,” Mom advised her, “We’re
supposed to be helping little Katie grow to be a bigger girl, not try to
keep her as a baby.”
Up to that point, I’d been quiet the entire time that Mom and Beckie were
talking. Whenever I was in my Katie persona, I always felt shy and never
said too much.
“What happens once I grow up a little more, Mommy?” I asked quietly.
Beckie handed me back to Mom who cuddled me next to her as she answered
“Well, for starters… you wouldn’t have to wear diapers anymore. You’ll
be a bigger girl and get to wear big-girl clothes. Wouldn’t that be nice,
“Uh huh,” I nodded, “but what happens when I finally reach the same age
as when I’m Peter? Will all the strange stuff stop happening to me then?”
Mom looked thoughtful for a moment before replying, “I’m not sure,
sweetie. Dr. Carla thinks that when both Peter and Katie are the same
age, it’ll be a lot easier for you to control both sides. Until then,
we’ll just have to take things slowly.”
With that, Mom decided that we’d give the topic a rest for the time being
and we’d all sit down for lunch together. Since I was still in baby-girl
mode, I knew I had to get used to being treated as the large toddler I
appeared to be. I didn’t have to sit in a highchair that time, but that
could have been because it was still out in the garage from the last time
it’d been used and neither Mom or Beckie wanted to bother bringing it in
just then. If I was to be spending every weekend like this, however, it
would only be a matter of time before I would be seated in it once again.
We had stew for lunch and although they let me eat most of it by myself,
they still would occasionally take turns spoon-feeding a few mouthfuls to
me. Aside from a few things like that, I got through lunch without too
much difficulty and I didn’t even complain when Mom insisted on feeding
me a bottle of milk afterwards before putting me down in the upstairs
crib for an afternoon nap.
As I lay in my crib that afternoon, I wasn’t tired enough to fall asleep
right away so I thought a little more about what Dr. Carla had told us
about me. Although I wasn’t entirely happy that I’d be doing mandatory
‘baby-time’ every weekend until further notice, I didn’t really see that
I had too much choice in the matter other than to just accept it. All the
attention I got from everyone was really nice, but the rest of the baby
treatment could be really annoying sometimes. Beckie had been right
before when she’d guessed that only Katie seemed to need to wear diapers,
because that was pretty much what Dr. Carla told Mom. Hopefully before
too long, my Katie side will grow up enough not to need them anymore.
When that finally did happen, things were bound to be easier but I knew
there would still be some issues to work out. Although I would still be
a 7 year old boy physically, would I also be a 7-year old girl too?
I finally began to doze off into a light sleep wondering if I’d be able
to meet my reflection again. This time, there was much to tell him/her
and perhaps it would be as he/she told me last time – we’d find the