Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Adventures in Scooby Sitting

by Diapers4Ever

The First Day of The Rest of Her Life Print
It was a beautiful day in Sunnydale, California. Dawn Summers was out with her best friend Janice, her mother, and Janice’s little sister Kara, just enjoying themselves. But all of a sudden…

Janice’s Mother: Uh-oh. (sniffs, to Janice) Do you smell what I smell, honey?

Janice: Oh, yeah. Definitely. (sighs) Kara definitely needs changing.

Janice’s Mother: I thought so. She always gets that look every time she needs a change.

Dawn looks a little uncomfortable during the diaper-changing conversation.

Janice: I can change her, Mom.

Janice’s Mother: You’re sure?

Janice: Yeah, no problem.

She begins taking Kara over to a table and, after laying a towel on
it, lays her down on it, beginning to undo her clothes.

Dawn walks over to Janice, as she continues to change Kara’s diaper.

Dawn: Um…Janice?

Janice (smiling at Kara, continuing to change her): Yep?

Dawn: I can change her if you want.

Janice stops changing her sister and looks at Dawn, but still keeping a hand on Kara’s stomach.

Janice: You’re sure? She’s not very comfortable around other people.

Dawn: I can calm her down, no problem. I’ve babysat many times.

Janice (worried): She can be a squirmer…

Dawn (scoffs): I’ve dealt with my share of squirming kids during my babysitting jobs.

Janice (smiles): Okay, Dawn. Go for it.

Janice kisses her sister on the forehead, then walks away.

Dawn immediately steps up to Kara and, after looking back and forth, seeing that they’re totally alone, looks back at Janice’s little sister, and continues changing her diaper where Janice left off.

As she changes her:

Dawn: You know what, kiddo? I want to tell you a secret. (smiles) I’d love to be a little kid again. No worries…nobody to push you around. I’d love to just relive it. If only for a little while, y’know?

She finishes changing her diaper and picks her up, holding her in her arms.

Dawn: I just think that’d be really cool.

She sets her back on the picnic table.

Dawn (smiles): Really interesting.

Voice (from behind her): That can be arranged!

Dawn spins around to see a demon with considerably large horns, thick, blue, pale skin, and a wand in his hand.

Demon: You will know what it feels like, Slayer!

Dawn (confused): “Slayer”? Wait! I’m not the–

The demon zaps Dawn with a wand.

Dawn: Wait! No!

Her voice suddenly gets higher and she begins to shrink.

Dawn: No!!!

She begins to shrink even more.

Dawn (crying): No!!

She shrinks down so small, that her clothes she was wearing is covering her.


Janice’s Mother: Shouldn’t Dawn have been done by now, honey?

Janice (chuckles): Oh, you know Kara. She likes to fight.

Janice’s Mother: Still…I think we should check on her.

Janice and Janice’s mother go over to where Dawn and Kara were.

Dawn continues to wail.

Janice (wondering): Do you hear that?

Janice’s Mother (confused): Yes, I do…

Janice looks down at the pile of clothes.

Janice (gasps) (shocked): Oh my God!

She kneels down and picks up the now toddler Dawn.

Janice’s Mother (mystified): Is that…

Janice: I think so…

Janice’s Mother: We should get her back to your friend Buffy’s house.

Janice: Wait, Mom! She’s totally naked!

Janice’s Mother: We don’t have any extra clothes, honey.

Janice: Well, we gotta give her a diaper, at least!

Janice’s mother begins looking through the diaper bag.

Janice’s Mother (sighs in exasperation): We’re completely out of diapers.

Janice (frustrated): Oh, man!

Janice’s Mother: We have to get her to Buffy’s!

Janice and her mother pack up everything, and, wrapping Dawn in a blanket, rush to Buffy’s house.

Meanwhile, at the nerd’s lair…

Jonathon: What the Hell was that?! The frickin’ demon just totally screwed everything up!

Andrew: It wasn’t my idea to get that demon to go by blood!

Jonathon: Well, if you hadn’t–

Andrew: If I hadn’t what?!

Jonathon: If you hadn’t–

Warren: Both of you shut up!

He sighs and begins pacing the floor.

Warren: Maybe this is gonna be better than we thought.

Andrew: What do you mean?! The demon got the Slayer’s sister! Not the Slayer!

Warren: Easy, Andrew. We’ll get the Slayer…one way or another. (evilly) I swear it!

The three cackle with laughter.

(Black Screen; Roll Opening Credits)

ALYSON HANNIGAN as Willow Rosenberg

Just Dropped In Her Lap Print
Buffy is having a relaxing evening at home when she’s interrupted with a pounding, yet insistent knock on the door.

As she gets up:

Buffy (groans): What now??

The pounding knock continues as Buffy makes her way to the door.

She opens the door to find Janice, her mother, her sister, and another baby (Dawn) wrapped in a blanket.

Buffy: Hi. Um…is there something you wanted?

Janice: Buffy, it’s me, Janice.

Buffy: Oh, Janice! (confused) Dawn’s friend Janice?

Janice (insistent): Yes, yes!

Buffy: Oh…Dawn didn’t tell me that you looked so mature.

Janice: A lot of people make that mistake, but we’ve got a real problem here.

Buffy (worried): What is it? (more worried) Where’s Dawn?

Janice: That’s the problem!

Janice rushes inside, holding Dawn in the blanket, with her mother following.

As Janice sets Dawn on the floor, she looks at Buffy.

Janice: Dawn’s the baby.

Buffy (confused): What?!

Janice: Yeah, she…she was changing my little sister, and…and then…

Buffy (worried): Then what?

Janice: I don’t know what happened! We came back and…and all of Dawn’s clothes had been shrunk and the next thing we knew there was a baby lying there.

Buffy: Oh my God…

Janice: We knew you were her sister, so we brought her straight here.

Buffy: Well, you did the right thing, Janice. I’m proud of you.

Janice (a little confused): Thanks. Um…is it safe to go? We’ve gotta get my sister home.

Buffy: No problem; I can take care of this. Thanks again for bringing her back.

Janice: No problem.

As Buffy shows them out:

Buffy: As I said, don’t worry. I’ll take care of this.

She closes the door and leans against it.

Buffy: At least I hope I can.

Dawn begins to cry.

Buffy walks over to Dawn and kneels down to her and picks her up.

Buffy: Oh, Dawnie…what’s wrong?

Almost as if Dawn has no control whatsoever, she begins to urinate on Buffy.

Buffy (alarmed): Oh my God!

She sets her onto the blanket so she can finish.

Buffy: You owe me for that shirt when we fix this, Dawnie. You hear me??

Dawn coos and babbles on the blanket.

Buffy (sighs worriedly): I gotta call the gang.

She goes to the kitchen, then walks back out into the living room with the cordless phone to her ear.

She dials the dorm where Willow and Tara were staying.

Buffy: Hey, Willow. It’s me, Buffy. Listen…I need you over here as soon as possible. Who else is there with you? (listens) Tara? Great. Come to my house as soon as you can. (listens) Okay, see you then.

She hangs up.

She calls Xander’s house, but gets the answering machine.

Xander: Hey, it’s the Xand-Man. I’m not here so leave a message.

Buffy: Hey, Xander. It’s Buffy. (sighs) I’ve got a big problem. Can you get Anya and come over here as soon as you–(yelling at Dawn) No, Dawn! No!

We see her trying to put a cord from a lamp into her mouth.

Buffy runs over to her and takes the cord from her.

Buffy: Bad Dawn!

Dawn begins to cry.

Buffy picks her up and carries her back over to the blanket.

Buffy: Stay there! (into the phone) Sorry, Xander. As I said, I’ve got a big problem. When you get this message, come by the house as soon as possible.

She hangs up.

Buffy (sighs): Don’t worry, Dawnie…we’ll reverse this. I promise.

She sniffs.

Buffy (disgusted): Ew.

She walks over to Dawn and picks her up, holding her underneath her armpits.

She takes Dawn into the kitchen where she begins washing her bottom with the water nozzle that’s attached to the sink.

Dawn giggles happily.

Buffy smiles at Dawn.

Buffy: There’s one thing about you as a baby I like, Dawnie…you’re so cute.

After washing and drying Dawn, she sets her on the floor in the living room.

She inhales to prepare herself to pick up Dawn’s “little offering”.

Buffy (inhales then exhales): Okay…

She folds the blanket up and picks it up with two fingers holding it closed, then, walking into the kitchen, drops it into the trash container.

Buffy (disgusted): Janice isn’t getting that back.

She walks back into the living room to find Dawn urinating once again, but this time on the sofa.

Buffy: No, Dawnie!

She runs over to her and picks her up, but Dawn wasn’t finished and urinates on Buffy’s shirt once again.

Buffy (sighs in exasperation): Where are you guys??



Markie Post as Janice’s Mother
Amber Tamblyn as Janice

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Adventures in Scooby Sitting

Resigned To Her Fate Print
As Buffy is holding Dawn, she hears knocking on the door.

Buffy is torn between putting Dawn down and going to answer, or going to answer the door with Dawn in her arms.

Buffy (thinking): Well, they’ll see her eventually. Might as well surprise them with it.

She sets Dawn on the floor, allowing her to crawl around.

She goes to answer the door, giving herself a moment to gather her composure.

Buffy: Well…no time like the present.

She opens the door to see Willow and Tara standing on the other side.

Willow (worried): Buffy, we got your message; what’s the emergency?

As Buffy turns around and points to Dawn:

Buffy: That.

Willow (grinning): She’s so cute!

Tara: She’s adorable, Buffy. Are you babysitting?

Buffy: Um…kind of.

Willow (confused): What do you mean?

Buffy (exhales): I’m not explaining until everyone else gets here.

She goes over and picks up Dawn, wrapping her in a shirt.

She takes her over to the couch and sits down with Dawn on her lap.

Buffy: I shouldn’t be doing this. I’m no good with babies. I mean, you guys saw me with that egg. I didn’t know what the Hell to do with it.

Voice from the doorway: You did better than me, Buff. I hard-boiled mine.

Buffy looks and sees Xander and Anya in the doorway.

Buffy: Hey, Xander. Anya.

Anya: What’s going on here? Xander got a message on his machine that you had a problem.

Buffy: Yes, Anya; I do.

Anya (not caring): Well, it’s not my problem. (to Xander, impatient) Can I go?

Xander (calm): Honey, no. Remember what I told you?

Anya: It’s Buffy’s problem, therefore it’s our problem.

Xander: That’s right. (to Buffy) Now what’s going on?

Buffy: Okay. Now…you guys probably aren’t gonna believe this…

Xander: Buff, this is Sunnydale. We’ve battled giant snakes, flesh-eating zombies, Chumash Indians, The Initiative, and a Hell God. We can believe anything.

Buffy: Okay.

She exhales.

Buffy: See that child over there?

Willow: Uh-huh.

Tara: Yep.

Xander: Of course.

Anya: Yeah?

Buffy sighs.

Buffy: That’s Dawn.

Tara: Oh my God…

Willow (worried): Dawnie…

Xander: Wow…

Anya (scoffs): I don’t believe it.

Buffy: I didn’t either, Anya, but trust me. It’s her.

Xander: How do you know, Buffy? Did you take her blood?

Buffy (snapping): I don’t know how I know! I…(softly) just know. She’s my sister. I want to keep her safe.

Willow: We’ll do anything, Buffy. Anything you need.

Buffy: Can you guys run out and get some supplies for her?

Willow: No problem. What do we need?

Tara: We’ll need diapers, wipes, powder, a changing mat, a diaper bag, and definitely some clothes.

Buffy: Well, let’s start with the basics. Will, Tara; you guys get the diapers and stuff. Xand, Anya; you guys get the clothes.

Willow: Got it.

Xander: No problem, Buffster.

The four of them leave.

Buffy closes the door and goes over to Dawn, holding her in her arms gently.

Buffy: Don’t worry, Dawnie…we’re gonna get this fixed, I promise.

Dawn begins to cry.

Teenage Dawn (thinking): Buffy, help me…please…

Fade out on little Dawn’s face.

Fade in:

The door opens and the Scooby Gang trudges in with the supplies.

Willow: We got everything.

Tara: Yeah; diapers, wipes, changing mat, baby powder.

Xander: And we got the clothes, Buff.

Anya: I don’t see the point of getting clothes anyway. She can’t dress herself.

Buffy: Anya, we have to do it for her.

Anya: Well, that’s stupid! She should know how to put on her own clothes.

Buffy (annoyed): Anya, I don’t have time to deal with this right now.

She sighs and looks at the group.

Buffy: Okay. Which of you wants to do the honors?

Willow, Tara, Xander, Anya: Not it!

Buffy (grumbling): Fine.

She takes a package of diapers from Tara and starts to go over to Dawn, but stops a second and turns back to Anya.

Buffy: Wait a second. Anya…how’d you know about “Not It”?

Anya: We played that game when I was a demon.

Buffy (thinking): Great.

She walks over to Dawn, lifting her up from the couch and taking her over to the living room floor.

As she starts to lay Dawn down on the floor:

Buffy: Tara, can you get me the changing mat?

Tara: Sure, Buffy.

She comes over and slides the changing mat underneath Dawn.

Teenage Dawn (thinking): Wait a second…what’s she doing?

Buffy: Now, I know you’re not gonna like this, Dawnie, but because of the accidents you’ve been having, we…(sighs) we’re going to have to put you in diapers.

Teenage Dawn (thinking): No!

Dawn begins to cry and squirm away.

Buffy (calming): Yes, Dawnie…it’ll be okay…(to Willow and Tara) Guys, can you…?

Willow and Tara come to Dawn’s side and begin cooing and babbling at her, trying to distract her.

Teenage Dawn (thinking): Real cute, guys. But I’m still 15; it’s not gonna work.

Dawn continues to squirm and cry.

Buffy (sighs in exasperation): This isn’t working.

Tara: What’re we gonna do?

Willow: I know a way I could make her stay still.

Buffy: How, Will?

Willow tickles Dawn’s stomach and Dawn begins to giggle, slowing losing the diapering fight.

Teenage Dawn (thinking): Okay, you win. I may be 15, but you do know where I’m ticklish.

Willow: Now, Buffy. Put the diaper on her.

Tara: Wait. We need to wipe and powder her first.

Buffy: Oh, you’re right. She had an accident earlier; I don’t wanna chance it.

Buffy takes the baby wipes from Tara and wipes Dawn’s bottom to clean her up fully from her accident earlier.

Tara: Now we powder her.

Buffy takes the powder and powders Dawn’s bottom.

Willow: Now the clean diaper.

Buffy brings the diaper through Dawn’s legs and tapes it closed.

Buffy (brightly): All done!

Dawn cries.

Buffy picks her up and holds her.

Buffy: Aww, Dawnie…you’ll be fine. Don’t worry. We’re gonna reverse this; I promise. Um, Tara?

Tara: Yeah?

Buffy: Can you give me something to put her in?

Tara: No problem.

She uses her magic to materialize a playpen.

Buffy: Thanks, Tara.

She takes Dawn over to the playpen and sits her down into it.

Buffy: We need more stuff. A car seat, changing table…

Xander: Easy, Buffy…we don’t know how long this thing’s gonna last.

Buffy: I know, but I’d like to be safe if it does last longer than we thought.

Tara: What do you need?

Buffy: Well, first a car seat.

Tara materializes a car seat at Buffy’s feet.

Buffy: Can you hook it up to the car, Tara?

Tara: No problem.

She picks up the car seat and walks outside, fixing it in with the backseat.

She walks back in.

Tara: Got it. It’s all set.

Buffy: Great, thanks. I really appreciate all you guys have done, thank you.

Xander (wondering): Um, Buffy? I was curious.

Buffy: What is it, Xander?

Xander: We poofed the car seat and playpen, but we had to buy all this stuff?

Buffy: I knew you guys could spare the cash, and I didn’t think you’d mind helping me.

Xander (smiles and nods): Yeah, it’s no problem, Buff.

Willow: Hey, if there’s a problem, we’re there in a jiff.

Buffy: I know and, thanks again.

Anya (disgusted): Xander, I can’t take the smell; I have to get out of here.

She rushes to the front door, opens it, and begins running down the street.

Xander sticks his head out of the door.

Xander: Anya…

Buffy: Anya, it’s just baby powder!

Anya (yelling from down the street): I’ll meet you back at home!

Xander sighs and closes the door.

Xander: Well, swing and a miss. Now what, Buffy?

Buffy: Now Dawnie and I gotta go shopping.

She holds up the clothes that Xander picked.

Buffy: For some NEW clothes.

Xander (confused): What’s wrong with the clothes we picked?

Buffy (calmly): Xander…these are (yelling) TOO BIG!!

Xander: How was I supposed to know what size to get?! I’ve never had to look after kids before!

Willow: Yeah, Buffy; c’mon…take it easy…we’re all new to this.

Buffy (sighs deeply): You’re right, Xander. I’m sorry.

Xander (smiling): No big.

Buffy sighs.

Willow: Buffy, what’re you gonna do about Dawn?

Buffy looks at Dawn, who is sitting in the playpen.

Buffy: I’m taking her with me.

Almost as if she has super-hearing, Dawn begins to cry.

As Buffy walks over to Dawn, lifting her out of the playpen and holding her:

Buffy (talking over Dawn): I need to get her some clothes that fit her sex.

Willow: Want us to hold down the fort?

Buffy: Sure, thanks.

She walks out to the Jeep and begins to put Dawn into the car seat.

Teenage Dawn (thinking): No! I can’t be seen outside like this! No!

Dawn begins to kick and cry and whimper as Buffy begins to get Dawn fixed into the car seat.

Buffy: Dawnie! Hold still!

Dawn continues to kick and cry.

Buffy finally secures the strap.

Buffy (self-satisfying): There. Got it.

Dawn continues to wail.

Buffy sticks a pacifier in Dawn’s mouth.

Buffy: Shush.

She goes to the front seat, and starts the car.

Buffy: We’re gonna go get you a new outfit, Dawnie. Something that suits your age. (happily) Off to the Sunnydale Mall we go!

Dawn lets out a wail as the Jeep goes down the street.


Shopping with Your Sister: Could Anything Be More Degrading? The Answer Is Yes. Print

Buffy begins walking through the mall with Dawn, who is strapped into a stroller that Buffy had obtained by the front of the mall (some malls have strollers for parents who don’t have them).

She’s trying to keep her cool, but finds that task difficult because Dawn keeps kicking and struggling against the straps in the stroller.

Buffy (losing her cool): Dawn, I’m warning you…stop this right now!

Teenage Dawn (thinking): That’s easy for you to say, Buffy. You don’t have to deal with a wet diaper.

Buffy wheels Dawn into the baby store with Dawn continuing to kick and struggle against the straps.

A cute salesgirl, about 18, comes up to Buffy.

She’s got brown hair and brown eyes (she sort of looks like Alexis Bledel from “Gilmore Girls”)

Salesgirl: Hi, there; is there something I could help you find today?

Buffy: Yes, I’m trying to find clothes for my little sister here. Do you have anything that would fit a 2-year-old?

Salesgirl: Actually we do.

The salesgirl leads Buffy, who is pushing Dawn as well, over to a rack with several cute dresses and pants.

Salesgirl: The pants are good because they’ve got snaps along the legs if you ever need to change her diaper in a hurry.

Buffy: Well, we’ll take some of those dresses and a pair of those pants.

Buffy takes a dress down from the rack and shows it to Dawn.

It’s a very ugly green color and it’s got blue polka dots.

Buffy (cooing): What’d’ya think, Dawnie? Ya like this one?

Dawn wails.

Salesgirl (smiling): She’s very fussy about clothes, isn’t she?

Buffy: No, it’s not the clothes. It’s almost her naptime and we’ve just been walking around for hours.

Teenage Dawn (thinking): Liar.

Dawn continues wailing loudly.

People begin to stare at Buffy, as she slowly begins to get embarrassed.

Salesgirl: Well, if you like those clothes, we’ve got a lot more on the way. Would you like to be informed of when they arrive?

Buffy: Sure.

Salesgirl: Okay, then. Just follow me and we’ll ring this up.

Buffy: Great.

Buffy takes a few more dresses; pink with blue trim; orange with green spots; and a red pantsuit with blue stripes down the sides.

Dawn continues to cry as Buffy wheels her to the counter.

After paying for their purchases, Buffy wheels Dawn out of the store and takes her over to a bench.

She parks the stroller there and sits down.

She unbuckles the stroller and picks up Dawn.

Buffy (annoyed): That’s enough, Dawn. You embarrassed me in that store, now…you’re gonna pay the price.

Teenage Dawn (thinking): Oh, no…Buffy…please, not that…

Buffy puts Dawn over her knee and begins spanking her as Dawn begins to wail loudly.

Teenage Dawn (thinking/crying): Ow! Stop it!! Buffy, stop it!!!

As Buffy is spanking Dawn, she doesn’t, nor does Dawn, hear that Dawn has soiled her diaper.

Buffy (thinking): Great. Nice work, Buffy.

Buffy puts Dawn back into her stroller and straps her in.

Buffy begins to wheel the stroller to the changing room.

Dawn looks up at the symbol on the door, a mother changing her baby, and gets a frightened look on her face.

Teenage Dawn (thinking): Take it easy…she’s probably just gonna dress me.

Buffy wheels Dawn into the changing room and, after unbuckling Dawn from the stroller, picks her up and lays her on the changing table.

Buffy looks at the clothes she bought, then looks back at Dawn.

Buffy (thinking): Well, as long as I’m here…might as well kill two birds with one stone.

Teenage Dawn (thinking, happy): Thank God…I can finally get some clothes!

Buffy: Now hold still, Dawnie. I’d hate to have to spank you twice in the last half-hour.

Buffy rips a diaper tab from Dawn’s dirty diaper.

Dawn gets a look of fear on her face, looking up at Buffy.

Dawn (thinking): No! I can’t have! I couldn’t have…I’m not a baby! No!

Dawn begins to squirm on the table.

Buffy: Dawn, hold still!

Buffy places a hand on Dawn’s stomach as she continues changing her diaper.

Dawn continues squirming around.

Buffy (sighs): Fine, Dawn. I was trying to show you some compassion, but you wanna make this hard for me? Fine, you’re only making it harder on yourself.

She fastens the safety strap around Dawn’s waist, causing her to scream and cry, as she continues to squirm around on the table.

Also, to be safe and to not draw attention to Dawn as well as her, she places a pacifier in Dawn’s mouth to quiet her down.

Buffy (sighs): Dawnie, it’s okay. I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to yell…just calm down…we’ll get this done quick, don’t worry.

Dawn continues to cry, but her squirming has lessened.

Buffy: Dawnie, please…it’ll be over really soon, I promise you.



We see a frustrated Joyce trying to change a toddler Dawn’s wet diaper as Dawn kicks and struggles on the changing table.

Joyce (angry): Dawnie, hold still! (sighs, calm) I promise you, this will be over very soon. We’ll get this done as quick as possible, trust me. It’s okay, sweetie…shh…


Dawn continues to wail and cry.

Teenage Dawn (thinking, sniffling): Mommy…

Dawn continues to wail as Buffy changes her.

A girl walks into the bathroom and looks at Buffy and Dawn.

Girl (thinking): Probably just some crazed mom who can’t keep their kid under control.

She goes to the toilet.

Buffy continues changing Dawn as the girl does her business.

The girl finishes and steps out of the bathroom, going to the sink to wash up.

Once she finishes, she heads toward the door.

Buffy (off-screen): Dawn, that’s enough! Hold still right now!

She slaps Dawn’s thigh, causing Dawn to cry loudly, even through the pacifier.

The girl walks up to her, not facing her.

Girl: Okay, that’s enough! I had no problem when you were changing your kid, and the kid was givin’ you crap, but I really gotta problem with you hittin’ her! Where do you get off, lady?! Huh?!

Buffy turns around to face her.

Girl (surprised): Oh my God.

Buffy (after a beat, sighs): Hello, Faith.




Alexis Bledel as the Salesgirl
Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers [flashback]
Eliza Dushku as Faith

Return of Old Friends Print
Buffy sighs and turns back to Dawn, continuing the diaper change.

As she changes Dawn, not looking at Faith:

Buffy (less than happy): Nice to see you.

Faith (sarcastically hurt): What, no hug? I’ve been in prison for a year, B. You could at least gimme some respect when looking at me.

Buffy finishes changing Dawn, then dresses her, picking her up and turning to Faith.

Buffy (angry): “Respect”? You–you wanna talk about respect? Okay, how about the time you tried to steal Angel from me? How about the time you poisoned him? How about the time you came back, stole my body, and had sex with my boyfriend? You weren’t respecting me, Faith, so why in the heck should I respect you?

Faith (calm): Just hear me out, Buffy. Please?

Buffy (sighs): Fine. (sarcastic) Lemme guess: you broke out of jail by paying a prison guard with two cartons of cigarettes for a one-night-stand and took the keys?

Faith (hurt): No. I got pardoned for good behavior.

Buffy (scoffs): Please, Faith. This is you we’re talking about. “Good” and “Behavior” never come into the same sentence with you.

Faith: C’mon, Buffy…cut me some slack here. I’ve been in jail…I’m reformed…c’mon, I confessed to the crime!

Buffy (doesn’t wanna hear it): Oh, don’t start this again…

Faith: I did! (sighs, gently): Look, Buffy…you may not believe this, but I’m a good person now. Can’t you just give me another shot?

After a long beat…

Buffy: Fine.

Faith (changing the subject): So who’s this little squirt? You babysittin’?

Buffy (swallows): Something like that.

Faith (concerned): What’s goin’ on?

Buffy (sighs): Come with me. I’ll explain on the way.

As Buffy, Faith, and Dawn walk out of the changing room:

Faith: Where we goin’?

Buffy: To see a friend.


The Jeep pulls up with Buffy in the driver’s seat, Faith in the passenger’s seat, and Dawn in the backseat strapped into her car seat.

Faith gets out of her side as Buffy gets out on her side.

As Faith goes to the backseat to get Dawn:

Faith (confused): So you’re tellin’ me that something zapped little sis and turned her into a kid?

Buffy: No. Something zapped Dawn and turned her into a baby. Kids are cute, Faith. They run, they jump, they play…Hell, they can dress themselves!

Faith: Easy, Buffy…this can’t be easy for Dawn either…

Buffy sighs in exasperation and goes up to the door of the Magic Box, pounding on it.

Buffy (as she pounds on the door): Giles!!! Anya!!! Someone!!!

The door opens and Giles is on the other side.

Giles: Hello, Buffy.

Buffy moves past Giles and goes inside.

Buffy (urgently): We’ve got a problem.

Giles (interest perked): Problem?

Buffy: Yeah. Well…(sighs)…there was this demon…at least I think it was a demon…anyway, it…well…

She clears her throat and Faith walks in, holding Dawn.

Buffy: Turned Dawn into…

She gestures toward the infant Dawn in Faith’s arms.

Buffy: That.

Giles looks at Buffy, then Faith, then Dawn. Then back at Buffy.

Giles (simply and calmly): I know.

Buffy: Well, we gotta find a way to reverse–(it dawns on her) What?! What do you mean, “you know”?!

Giles: I already know of the situation.

Buffy: Well, who told you??

Voice: I did.

The figure walks out.

Angel (simply): Hey.

Buffy looks at him, totally shocked.




Eliza Dushku as Faith
David Boreanaz as Angel

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Adventures in Scooby Sitting

Pain, Pressure, and Problems Print
Buffy fixes her gaze on Angel for a second, shocked at the disrespect that she has just been given by her former Watcher.

Buffy (annoyed): Him??? Him???

Angel (idly): Nice to know you didn’t forget my name.

Buffy: Angel, what in the Hell do you think you’re doing here?!

Angel (innocently): I came to see what I could offer for the situation.

Buffy (can’t believe it): Oh, really? And who told you this?

Angel: Willow told me. She called me after you took Dawn shopping.

Buffy (exasperated) (sighs): I can’t believe it.

Faith: Don’t blame her, B. He needed to know.

Buffy: Why?! Why, so he can go and tell all of his friends back in L.A.?! How about Cordelia? Hell, why don’t you just go tell Wesley and he can tell the whole Watcher’s Council?! Why didn’t all of them show up?!

Angel: Cordelia wasn’t feeling well, and Wesley was working on a case for me.

Buffy: Excuses, excuses! You always have an excuse for everything, don’t you, Angel? Beating up Riley…leaving me…killing Ms. Calendar.

Angel: I’ve told you. That wasn’t me. That was Angelus. You know that…

Buffy (angry): As far as I’m concerned, as of right now…you and him are one in the same.

Angel (calm): Take it easy, Buffy…

Buffy (snaps): No!

After a second:

Buffy (sniffles, starting to cry): I will NOT take it easy…Giles…my baby sister has been turned into my BABY sister…I–I--I’m no good with babies, Giles. If you don’t find a cure for this spell…she’s…

Giles: It’s all right, Buffy. We will find a cure, I promise you. Now, please…hand me Dawn.

Buffy tenderly hands Dawn over to Giles.

Giles lays Dawn on the table.

Dawn cries at the cold table touching her back.

Giles (calming): It’s okay, Dawn. It’s all right…

Giles lifts up her shirt.

Giles (noticing): There! You see, Buffy? Do you see that symbol on her chest?

Buffy walks over to Dawn and Giles.

She focuses her eyes on Dawn’s shirt, seeing a small cross embedded with a moon.

Buffy (confused): Yeah…what is that? I–I just thought it was a birthmark or something…

Giles: It is the mark of the demon.

Buffy: What demon is it?

Angel (low voice): Why don’t you get your boyfriend to come and find out?

Buffy turns to Angel.

Buffy (angry): For your information, that boyfriend you mention happened to have left! It probably had something to do with your little macho pissing contest when you showed up!

Angel: Buffy, I told you…I only came to apologize.

Buffy: Then why didn’t you just do that? Why did you have to attack him?

Angel: We went through this already, Buffy; he attacked me first.

Buffy (scoffs): What are you, in third grade?

Dawn begins to wail, still on the table.

Faith walks over to Dawn and Giles, picking her up, holding her gently in her arms.

Faith (calmly, quietly): Can you guys keep it down? You’re scaring her…

Dawn continues to cry, but they have lowered to a whimper.

Faith takes her out of the Magic Box and continues holding her, and rocking her.

Faith (calmly): It’s okay, Dawnie. I can understand how you feel. Hearin’ those two argue sometimes makes me wanna jam a stake through Lover Boy’s heart. (smiles) You’re lucky your mom was there to hide you from all that. That was one ugly battle, kid. You probably wanna know about what was goin’ on, don’t ya?

Dawn gurgles a little.

Faith (grins): I’ll take that as a yes. Okay, here we go. Buffy loved Angel; Angel loved Buffy; Angel and Buffy had sex; Angel lost his soul, killed her friends. Angel realized they couldn’t be together, dumped her the night of the Prom; Buffy was heartbroken; Angel left for Los Angeles on Graduation Day. Does that clear it up, Dawnie?

Faith touches Dawn’s nose and Dawn giggles in delight.

Teenage Dawn (thinking): Oh, no…what’s happening to me?

Her voice inside her head is strangely high-pitched.

Teenage Dawn (thinking): My voice inside my head…it’s higher…oh no! I’m getting younger in my head, too!

We see a pair of black shoes from the ground, beginning to walk up to Faith and Dawn.

Voice: Well, I never thought I’d believe it; Little Faith…the Rogue Slayer…finally settled down and got herself a little one of her own there, eh?

Faith looks at the figure.

Faith (annoyed): What do you want, Spike?



David Boreanaz as Angel
Eliza Dushku as Faith
James Marsters as Spike

Time For A Change Print

Faith (still annoyed): I said…what do you want?

Spike: Take it easy, love. Is that any way to greet someone who’s just passin’ through?

Faith: You’re not passin’ through, and I am NOT your “love”. Now talk fast or get a “steak” for dinner.

Spike (sighs, calmly): I heard that Niblet’s been turned into a more bite-size version of what she was, so I wanted to help.

Faith (disbelieving): Right, just out of the goodness of your heart? Cut the crap, Spike; we both know you got a thing for Buffy, so don’t even TRY to deny it.

Spike (realizes he’s been found out): Well, yeah, but also for the Little Bit here. I thought that if I killed the demon…

Faith (finishing his sentence): …Buffy might give ya a second look?

Spike nods solemnly.

As she walks outside:

Buffy: Get real, Spike. You disgust me. No matter what you do…how you act…you’re not fooling anyone. And besides, killing the demon doesn’t break the spell. The only thing that does is…

Spike: Destroying the wand.

Buffy (in shock): How did you know that?

Spike (playing dumb): It wouldn’t be…

Spike holds up the wand.

Spike (playing dumb): THIS wand…would it?

Buffy: Break it.

Spike (pretending to be offended): I don’t want to.

Buffy (can’t believe it): What?!

Spike: No, I don’t like the way you’re treatin’ me.

Buffy has had enough and grabs Spike’s jacket threateningly.

Buffy: You listen to me, WILLIAM…Dawn is the only sister I’ve got, and if you don’t break that wand right now, I’ll break your face with my FIST!

Faith: Why don’t you just take it from him, B?

She snatches the wand from Spike and tosses it down the street.

We hear a crash, signaling that it has been smashed.

Faith (smiles): See? Not so hard.

She sets Dawn on the ground, who coos and babbles as she crawls around.

Buffy (worried): Well…? What’s going on? Shouldn’t she be getting older or something?

Spike: Maybe it’s like one of those 24-hour deals.

Buffy (irritated): Did I ASK for your advice?

Spike (dejected): Fine. Well, I’m off then. Ciao, Slayer.

He starts to walk away, but stops.

He kneels down to Dawn and picks her up.

Spike: I’ll see you later, Little Bit.

He kisses her forehead.

Dawn: P…P…Pike!

Spike smiles and looks at Buffy.

Spike: I guess we know who a contender for her father could be.

He hands her back to Buffy.

Spike: Here, Little Bit. Go back to your sissy.

Buffy (offended): Hey!

Spike (exasperated sigh): It means “sister”, you git.

He walks off.

Buffy (calling after him): Hey, Spike!

He stops and turns to face her.

Buffy (sincerely): Thanks.

Spike: No problem, Bit.

He walks off into the night.

Buffy (sighs deeply): Okay…what’re we gonna do now?

Faith: We gotta get her back to the house. If we’re gonna have even Littler Miss Muffet in the house, we need to get her somewhere where she can be protected.

Buffy: Right. (sighs) Right. Let’s go.

The three get into the Jeep and drive back to Buffy’s house.


Buffy, Faith, and Dawn arrive inside.

Buffy (surprised): What’re you doing here?

We see Janice sitting on the couch.

Janice (apologetic): Don’t be mad…please. Willow let me in. I…I just…

Buffy: What?

Janice: Well, I was wondering…

Buffy: Look, if it’s about your blanket, Dawnie kinda…made it her own.

Janice: It’s not about that, and she can keep it.

Buffy (thinking): Good, 'cause you wouldn’t want it back anyway. (speaks) Okay, so what IS it about?

Janice: I was just thinking…since…well, since Dawn’s kinda…younger now…and you probably have stuff to take care of…I was thinking…maybe I could…be…

Buffy (calmly): Janice?

Janice: Yeah?

Buffy: Are you saying you’d like to be Dawn’s nanny?

Janice: Well, not so much “nanny” as…“babysitter”.

Buffy (smiles): I think we can find a spot for you.

Janice (grinning): This is great! Thank you so much!

She walks up to Buffy and takes Dawn from her, holding her in the crook of her arm.

Janice (cooing): You hear that, Dawnie? I’m gonna be your new babysitter!

Dawn wails.

Buffy sniffs the air.

Buffy (cooing): Uh-oh…(smiles) Smells like someone left you a special present, Janice.

Janice (smiles, cooing to Dawn): Then let’s go get it all cleaned up. C’mon, Dawnie…it’s time for a diaper change!

Dawn wails as Janice walks down the hallway, bouncing her in her arms.


Eliza Dushku as Faith
James Marsters as Spike
Amber Tamblyn as Janice

Helpers and Heartbreak Print
Dawn continues to cry as Janice takes her into Buffy’s room.

Dawn (confused, thinking): What?? What’s going on here?? Where’s she taking me??

She sees a changing table at the side of the wall, fully stocked with baby powder, baby wipes, disposable diapers, and diaper rash cream.

Dawn (scared, thinking): No!! No!!!

Dawn squirms and cries in Janice’s arms.

Infant Dawn: No!!

She tries to escape out of Janice’s arms, but Janice holds her grip on Dawn tightly.

Janice (cooing, calming): Yes…yes, Dawnie…(cooing) It’ll be okay. Janice is gonna get you alllll cleaned up…

She takes her around to the changing table and begins to lay her down onto it.

Janice: It’ll be fine, sweetheart. Auntie Janice has changed her baby sister hundreds of times. Don’t worry…I’ll be gentle, I promise.

Dawn squirms on the changing table.

Janice, with one eye on Dawn, kneels down and picks up a disposable diaper.

Dawn (whimpers, thinking): I gotta get outta here…

Dawn tries to escape from the horrible fate she’s going to suffer by lifting her little baby foot over the changing table.

Janice looks up at Dawn.

Janice (cooing): What’re you doin’, little one? Huh? You tryin’ to get away? Hmm?

Janice moves Dawn’s foot back over to the changing table.

Janice: Be a good girl, Dawnie-kins. Auntie Janice is just gonna get rid of that poopy diaper. Hold still, 'k?

Dawn (thinking, annoyed): Fat chance. I’m not lettin’ you change me. No way, no how.

Dawn squirms and cries loudly.

Buffy rushes into her room to see Janice and Dawn, Janice almost at her wits end.

Buffy (worried): What’s going on? What happened? Janice, is Dawn okay?

Janice (sighs): She’s–she’s fine. She’s just bein’ a diaper changing terror, that’s all.

Buffy (sighs): Would you like some help?

Janice: Nah, I think I can handle it.

Buffy: You’re sure?

Janice (smiles softly): Yeah, thanks Buffy.

Buffy: Okay. Well, if she gives you any more trouble, a light smack on the leg stops her from squirming.

Janice: Thanks again, Buffy.

Buffy: No problem.

She leaves the room.

Janice (sternly, to Dawn): You hear that, Dawnie? You don’t behave and I smack you. You want that, huh?

Dawn (whimpers): No!

Janice: Then hold…still!

Dawn fusses and squirms.

Janice: Dawnie, if you be a good girl while Auntie Janice changes your diaper, I can make a deal with your Mommy to get you a treat. Would ya like that?

Dawn smiles a little.

Dawn: Tweat!

Janice (smiles): Thought you’d like that. Now will you be a good girl and hold still while Auntie Janice changes your diaper?

Dawn nods slowly.

As she untapes Dawn’s dirty diaper:

Janice (cooing): Attagirl…

She opens the diaper and, taking both of Dawn’s legs in her left hand, she lifts Dawn’s bottom off of the table and begins to dispose of the diaper, but not before using the clean part of the diaper to wipe away the excess poop.

As she continues to hold Dawn’s legs, she slides the diaper out from underneath Dawn.

She rolls it up and tapes it closed.

She turns her head to the wastebasket by Buffy’s bed and tosses it into it.

She lets go of Dawn’s legs just for a second, and Dawn flails her legs back and forth while still positioned on the changing table.

Janice: You’re so adorable, Dawnie.

Dawn fusses when the cold air hits her privates.

Janice (cooing): Shh…shh…it’s okay, sweetheart…I know you’re cold, but don’t worry. Auntie Janice’ll get you smelling all nice and clean.

Grabbing Dawn’s legs again, she opens up a box of baby wipes and takes a few from it.

Janice (giggles): I think Auntie Janice’ll need a few more than what she’s got in her hand to clean up this little mess…

Dawn (giggles): Poopy…

Janice (smiles): Yes, you are, sweetie. But don’t worry, we’re gonna get you all cleaned up. Don’t you worry…

She begins wiping Dawn’s bottom with baby wipes as Dawn giggles and squeals happily.

Janice (cooing): Somebody likes this, doesn’t she?

Dawn giggles happily.

Once Janice tosses the baby wipes in the garbage can, she takes more wipes from the box.

Janice (playful): Ooh, someone’s a big pooper…(giggles)

She throws the wipes into the wastebasket and then takes out a bottle of baby powder.

Dawn squeals happily.

Janice (cooing): That’s right, Dawnie…we’re gonna put this baby powder on your wittle bottom so you can smell all nice and clean.

Janice shakes the powder which lands on Dawn’s bottom.

Dawn giggles and sneezes.

Janice (giggles); Bless you, sweetheart.

She takes a new diaper from the changing table and opens it up.

Janice (impressed): Ooh…“Barney”…your mommy’s got some good taste to give you diapers like that, sweetheart.

Dawn (happily): Bawney!

Janice giggles.

Janice: That’s right, cutie.

She untapes the left diaper tab, and then the right diaper tab.

Janice: Now I’m gonna get you in a clean diaper, okay Dawnie? So I need you to be a really good girl for your Auntie Janice and hold still. Can you do that for me?

Dawn (fusses): Diapa. Cwean diapa. (whimpers)

Janice (smiles): I know, baby; it’ll only take a second. Shh…shh…

Janice takes Dawn’s legs in her hand again and, lifting her bottom up from the changing table, slips the clean diaper underneath her bottom.

She lets go of Dawn’s legs and, gripping the left and right side of the diaper with her respective hands, she raises it up to Dawn’s chest level and begins to go for the left diaper tape.

Dawn kicks her feet happily, causing Janice to lose her grip.

Janice (gently chiding): Sweetie, no! Auntie Janice needs you to hold real still so she can put you in your new diapie.

Dawn pouts.

Janice (frowns): Aww, honey…I know you like to be naked, but your mommy doesn’t want you pooping all over the house. (smiles) So can you just be a good girl and wear your diapie? Hmm?

Dawn (pouts): Diapie. Cwean diapie.

Janice (smiles happily): There’s my girl.

She brings the diaper up through Dawn’s legs and, holding her right hand on Dawn’s chest, she tapes the left diaper tab closed with her left hand, and then she switches hands, putting her left hand on Dawn’s chest and taping the right diaper tab closed with her right hand.

Dawn giggles happily on the table.

Janice (smiles): You’re such a little cutie-pie.

She unstraps her from the changing table and picks her up.

She holds her in her arms and takes her back out to the living room.

Buffy gets up from the couch.

Buffy (wondering): How was she?

Janice: She was a little fussy, but she’s better now.

Buffy: That’s good.

Janice: So, I was thinking…about that whole “nanny” thing….

Buffy: Yeah?

Janice (smiles): Ya still want me?

Buffy (grins): Yeah, we’d love to have you here, Janice!

Dawn giggles.

Janice: I guess Dawnie’s happy about it too.

There is a knock on the door.

Buffy: One sec, Janice; I’ll be right back.

She goes to the door and opens it.

Buffy (surprised): Oh my God…Cordelia?

Cordelia: Hi, Buffy…look, we gotta talk.

Buffy: About what?

Cordelia: Dawn.

Buffy: What about her?

Cordelia: Okay…y’know that whole spell thing…where the nerds made her into a baby?

Buffy: Yeah…?

Cordelia: …and that if you destroyed the demon’s wand, the spell’s broken?

Buffy: Yeah…?

Cordelia: Well…here’s the thing, Buffy.

Buffy: What?

Cordelia (sighs, seriously): I got a message from the PTB. (off her look) Powers That Be. (exhales) Anyway, the gist of it is…y’know how the monks made your sister? Giving her childhood memories?

Buffy: Yeah…? What’re you getting at, Cordy?

Cordelia: Well, because of that spell, the monks and the PTB took the opportunity to make Dawn into her normal age…which is what you’re seeing now.

Buffy (in shock): Are…are you saying…?

Cordelia (sighs, solemnly): She’s gonna start over.

Buffy stands still for a second, while the shock of it actually sinks in.

Buffy (sad): Oh my God…

She hugs Cordelia, breaking down in tears.

Buffy (crying): Cordelia, I can’t do this! I can’t re-raise her!

There is a knock on the door.

Cordelia (calming): That’s okay, Buffy…that’s why I got you some help. Sort of…live-in babysitters.

Buffy sniffles and, letting go of Cordelia, goes to the door and opens it.

Buffy smiles happily.

Buffy (relieved): Hey, guys.


Amber Tamblyn as Janice
Charisma Carpenter as Cordelia Chase

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Adventures in Scooby Sitting

A Problem, But A Solution Print
We see Willow and Tara on the other side.

Buffy: I’m so glad you guys are here, I’m really losin’ it.

Willow: We’re here for ya, Buffy. No worries.

Tara: Yeah, I’ve dealt with babies before…looked after my cousins, did daycare work, even babysat the neighborhood kids.

Willow: Yeah, I’ve also done my share of babysitting, Buff. I’ve been doing it since I was ten.

Buffy: Good, 'cause I really, really need your help.

Willow: We know, Buffy. Cordelia told us.

She gives her friend a hug of concern.

Buffy (starting to cry): What am I gonna do, Will?

Willow: It’s okay, Buffy…you’ll be fine. We’ll all help you.

Cordelia’s pager beeps.

Cordelia: Oops. I gotta go, you guys.

Buffy (surprised): Wh–what??

Cordelia: Sorry. Duty calls.

She hugs Buffy.

Cordelia: Good luck, Buffy. With everything.

Buffy: Thanks, Cordy.

She leaves.

Janice walks out to the living room after coming out of Buffy’s room.

Janice (whispers): I just put her down, Buffy. She’s in a box I made to look like a crib.

Buffy (sighs, grateful): Thanks, Janice.

Janice: No problem. I’ll just check on her every half-hour or so to see if she’s…

Buffy: Still awake?

Janice (taken aback): I was actually going to say “wet”, but…(sighs) (reassuringly) You don’t have to worry about that, Buffy. I put a baby monitor in your room by the (quote marks) “crib”.

Buffy (sighs, grateful): Thanks, Janice.

Willow (disbelieving): Why are you using a box for a crib?? Buffy, I–I can make one in a snap.

Buffy (sighs): I didn’t want to ask you 'cause I was afraid it might put you out.

Willow: No problem.

She walks into Buffy’s room.

Willow sees baby Dawn in the box and stops to marvel at her adorable appearance.

Willow (smiling): Aww…(baby-talk): You’re so cute, Dawnie!

She takes her out of the box and holds her in her arms, feeling her diaper.

Willow (baby-talk): And so wet! Did wittle Dawnie have a wittle accident in her diapie? Tell you what, sweetie…let Auntie Willow put this up for you and then we’ll go and change that wet diapie, otay?

She touches Dawn’s nose and Dawn giggles.

Willow moves the box out of the way and, waving her hand, materializes a white-wooded crib, lined with a Barney blanket and a Spongebob Squarepants mobile.

Willow takes Dawn over to the changing table and lays her on it, fastening the safety strap.

Dawn (fusses): N–no! No tange!

Dawn fusses and squirms around on the table, feet kicking, arms flailing…the whole package.

Willow (sweetly): Yes, Dawnie…Auntie Willow needs to get that wet diapie off you so you don’t get a rash on your fanny. Now you be a good girl and hold still for me while I get this nasty thing off.

Dawn continues to fuss and squirm.

Willow (smiles): Okay, Dawnie…I’ve handled worse. Here we go.

Willow untapes the diaper and opens it.

Willow: Oooh…someone’s a real heavy wetter.

Dawn cries and squirms on the table.

Willow (calming): Shh…shh…no squirmies, Dawnie-Dawn…be a good girl…it’s okay, Auntie Willow’s done this thousands of times…shh…

Willow places her hand gently on Dawn’s tummy and Dawn slowly stops squirming.

Willow (cooing): Attagirl…

Taking Dawn’s legs with her left hand, she slips the wet diaper out from underneath her bottom.

Dawn fusses and scream and kicks.

As someone walks into Buffy’s room:

Tara (smirks): Need any help?

Willow looks at Tara and smiles.

Willow: That’d be great, baby.

Tara walks in and walks over to the side of the changing table, looking at Dawn.

Dawn looks up at who’s looking at her and, since she doesn’t recognize her, begins to cry.

Tara (to Willow): First diaper change?

As Willow smiles down at Dawn, tickling her tummy:

Willow (smiling): Nah, I’ve done this hundreds of times.

Tara (smiles a little): I meant is this a first for Dawnie.

Willow: Naw, I doubt it. She was probably changed before we came over.

Tara: She seems fussy…but that’s probably just 'cause a new person’s changing her.

Willow (grinning): Yeah, you’re probably right. Hey, can you grab me a diaper from under the table? I don’t want her to fall off…and the books always say, “Always keep one hand and eye on your baby while changing their diapers.”

Tara: No problem.

Tara takes a diaper from the bottom shelf of the changing table and opens it up.

Tara: Wow. Luvs. (smiles) That’s a good brand.

Willow: Real absorbent.

Tara: I think they’re more absorbent than Pampers.

Willow: Probably. I’m not really that much up on diapers. (giggles)

Dawn fusses.

Tara (cooing, affectionately): Ooh…oh, it’s okay, honey-bun…we’re gonna get this diaper on you. Just be a good wittle girl and hold still.

Willow: Lift up for me, sweetheart.

Dawn raises her bottom from the table.

Willow (cooing): That’s a good girl…yeah…

Tara slips the new diaper under Dawn’s bottom.

Willow takes baby wipes from the box and wipes Dawn’s privates.

Tara takes the baby powder and powders Dawn’s privates and her bottom.

Willow takes the front of the clean diaper and, while Tara keeps Dawn still, slips it up through Dawn’s legs and tapes it closed.

Willow: There we go, my little cutie pie.

She picks her up and holds her in her arms.

Tara (gushing): She’s so beautiful.

Willow (smiles): Yeah, she’s adorable…

Tara (blurting it out): I want one.

Willow looks at Tara, surprised.

She goes to the crib and lays Dawn inside it.

Willow (cooing): There we go, sweetie-pie.

Dawn begins to close her eyes and fall asleep.

Willow looks at Tara.

Willow: Okay, now…what did you say?

Tara (flustered): It’s just…well…I never had any brothers or sisters to care for. All the kids I looked after weren’t my own. I want one I can watch every day…see them grow into a fine human being.

Willow smiles.

Willow: I promise…we’ll have one of our own soon.

Tara (smiles warmly): Really?

Willow (nods): Really.

She kisses her.

Willow: Maybe we should let Dawnie get some sleep.

Tara (smiles): Yeah, that’s a good idea.

Willow and Tara, hand-in-hand, walk out of Buffy’s room, where Dawn continues to sleep soundly.

Willow starts to close the door, leaving it open a crack.

They walk into the living room.

Willow (reassuringly): She’s fine, Buffy. She had a little wet diaper, then we changed her and everything was okay.

Tara: Yeah, she’s in the crib sleeping now.

Buffy: Good. Thanks, Willow. I’m really glad you two are here.

Willow hugs Buffy.

Willow: We’ll be here for you no matter what, Buffy. I promise.

Buffy: Thanks, Will.

Willow: Meanwhile, I think we should get to work.

Buffy: For what?

Willow: Well, Buff, if it’s as permanent as Cordy told us, I’d have to change her records.

Buffy (surprised): You can do that?

Willow: Yeah, sure.

She walks over to the coffee table and, sitting against the couch, she takes out her laptop.

She begins performing some extremely fast typist skills.

Willow: Okay…birth certificate…

She continues typing.

Willow: That’s changed.

She types again.

Willow: School records…

She continues typing.

Willow: Changed. By the way, Buffy, Dawn’s now enrolled in Sunnydale Daycare Centre.

Buffy: What about the people and kids working there? They won’t remember her.

Willow: No sweat. I can perform a building-wide memory altering spell. They’ll remember that she’s been there since the day you had her.

Buffy: Okay. (realizing what she said) What?! What do you mean, “I had her”??

Willow: Well, Buffy, we can’t say that your mom had Dawn. Dawn looks at most a year old. Your mom has been gone for 2. That wouldn’t fly with anyone. The only way we can do it is say you gave birth to her.

Buffy (sighs): How’re we gonna pull that off?

Willow: Don’t worry, Buffy. Everything’s gonna be fine. I promise.

Tara: Yeah, you don’t have to worry. While you’re working at the Doublemeat Palace, Janice can take care of Dawnie. And while she’s in school, , Willow and I can take care of her.

Buffy sits down on the couch.

Buffy (impressed): Wow. You guys have really thought this out.

Willow (smiles happily): It’s what we do.

Buffy: Still, you didn’t have to do all this for me. I really appreciate it.

Willow: No problem.

Faith: Hey, B. Can I talk to ya for a sec?

Buffy: Um….sure.

Faith and Buffy go into another room.

Faith: Lemme ask you somethin’. Your dad’s pretty much MIA, right?

Buffy (unhappy): Yeah.

Faith: And every kid needs two parents.

Buffy: Yeah.

Faith: I wanted to know if, maybe…

Buffy: Faith?

Faith: Yeah?

Buffy: Are you saying you wanna be Dawn’s…

Faith: Mother?

Buffy nods.

Faith (sighs deeply): Yeah.

Buffy: That’d be great, Faith. I’m sure Dawn would love to have you as a mother.

Faith (smiles a little): Thanks, B.

She hugs her.

Faith: Hey, um…I was wonderin’…if you ever wanted to give me a…y’know…

Buffy: Do you want a crash course in child care, Faith?

Faith: Yeah…y’know…I mean…(trying to play it cool) whatever…

Buffy: Well, I’d be happy to help you, Faith. We can go to the daycare center tomorrow and sign up.

Faith: Whoa, whoa, B…I didn’t wanna do no sign-up for any sissy, daycare thing. Just a little crash course.

Buffy: Faith, this’ll help you in all areas…dirty diapers, temper tantrums, putting them to bed, feeding them…this’ll be perfect for you.

Faith: Naw…B, you know me and little nippers…we don’t work well together.

Buffy: Well, you’re gonna have to find a way if you’re gonna be Dawn’s mother.

Faith (sighs deeply): Okay, Buffy. You’re right. If I’m ever gonna get through this I need to know everything.

Buffy: Well, not everything…just up to age 3…since that’s pretty much all the daycare centre deals with.

Faith: Okay. (sighs) You got me over a barrel.

Buffy holds out her hand to Faith.

Buffy: Sign you up?

Faith shakes Buffy’s hand.

Faith: Sign me up.

Buffy: Deal.

Dawn cries from the nursery.

Buffy: First lesson…feeding.

Faith groans softly and Buffy and her walk to the kitchen which is just offside of the living room.

Willow is still on her laptop, Tara is sitting on the left of her, and Janice is sitting on the right.

Willow (worried): Is Dawnie okay, Buff?

Buffy: Yeah, she’s fine. She’s just hungry.

Janice (offering): You want me to do it, Buffy?

Buffy: No, I can do it.

She sighs.

Buffy: Will?

Willow points her hand at Buffy.

Willow: Papilla Lactans.

Buffy smiles.

Buffy: Thanks.

She walks into her room with Faith following.

Faith: What was that spell Will did to ya?

Buffy takes Dawn out of her crib and unbuttons her shirt.

Buffy: The spell…

She takes off her bra.

Buffy: Was…

She leads Dawn’s mouth to her breast.

Buffy: To make me give milk.

Dawn begins sucking on Buffy’s breast milk.

Faith (impressed, grins): Cool!

Dawn continues sucking on Buffy’s breast as Faith watches.

Buffy (smiles, inviting, to Faith): You can have some of this too, if you want, Faith…

Faith (blushes): Nah, it’s okay.

Buffy (smiles): No, really. It’s no problem. I can just squirt some of this into a cup for you if you wanna try it out. (giggles)

Voice from the doorway: Actually, I think you’d need a pump for that.

Buffy looks at the figure behind the voice in the doorway.

Buffy: What’re you doing here?

We see who it is.


He walks in and sits on the bed on the other side of Buffy.

Spike: So…the little niblet is young again, huh? No more days of high school, cheerleading, and swooning over the football captain. Now it’s daycare, diaper changes, and swooning over Barney the Dinosaur.

Buffy: What do you want, Spike?

Spike: All’s I’m sayin’ is that you’re gonna need someone to take care o’ the little one while you’re out slingin’ burgers for minimum wage.

Buffy: Spike, it’s all covered, okay? Now…I appreciate the thought, but don’t worry because everything’s going to be fine.

Faith: Yeah, Blondie-Boy. Everything’ll be fine. Trust me.

Spike (scoffs): Trust you? The little miss who tried to kill everyone the last time she was here? No way, uh-uh, no thanks.

Buffy: Look, I’m getting really tired of these games. If you don’t have anything to say that’s relevant, then please leave.

Spike: Fine, Slayer.

He gets up and starts to walk out.

He stops at the door and turns to face her.

Spike (gesturing to her breastfeeding, smiles warmly): That’s a good look for you.

He leaves.

Buffy (groans with annoyance): I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. Did I mention I hate him?

Faith: Yeah, we get it…you hate the blonde vamp. Totally on board with it.

Dawn fusses around Buffy’s nipple.

Buffy: Ooh…

She removes Dawn from her breast and wipes her mouth clean of the milk.

Buffy: I think she’s finished.

Faith: She may be finished… (sniffs)…but she’s totally startin’ somethin’ else.

Buffy: You wanna help me change her, Faith?

Faith: No way…I’ll do spit-up, I’ll do feeding, I’ll even do burping…but there ain’t no way in Hell…I’m ever doin’ diapers.

Buffy (quickly): I’ll pay you 50 bucks.

Faith (simply): I’m in.

Buffy takes Dawn over to the changing table and lays her down on it.

Dawn gurgles and coos up at Buffy.

Buffy (cooing): Hi, sweetie. Remember me? It’s me, Buffy.

She looks at Faith, then back at Dawn.

Faith: Ready?

Buffy: Yep.

Buffy rips one diaper tab, and Faith rips the other.

They both pull back the diaper.

Faith (groans): Oh, man! How did your mom stand this?!

Buffy: She’s dealt with it more than I have…

Faith (laughs): Good point.

Buffy: Shall we?

Faith (disgusted): Yeah, let’s. Please.

Buffy wipes Dawn’s privates with the clean end of the diaper.

Faith takes Dawn’s legs in her hand and lifts her bottom from the changing table.

Buffy: Ready?

Faith: Do it.

Buffy slips the diaper out from underneath Dawn, rolls it in a ball, tapes it closed, shoots for the diaper pail, and gets it in.

Buffy: Nice shot! (grins) I could be in the WNBA.

Faith: Probably not. (laughs)

Buffy, taking baby wipes from the box, wipes Dawn’s privates.

Faith takes the baby powder and powders Dawn’s bottom.

Buffy takes a new diaper from the changing table and opens it up.

Faith undoes the tapes and slips it underneath Dawn’s bottom.

Buffy brings it up through her legs and tapes it closed with one hand.

Buffy (grins): How 'bout that? I just changed my first diaper.

Faith: You’ve changed more than that, B.

Buffy: Well, first as a new mother.

Faith puts Dawn in a cute pink dress and holds her in her arms.

Buffy walks out with Faith, who is holding Dawn.

Buffy (smiling): Look who’s up!

The girls immediately crowd around Dawn and start cooing and babbling baby-talk to her.

Willow (smiles): I’ve got good news for ya, Buffy.

Buffy: Yep?

Willow: I thought it would be safe if we were all close to Dawn, so, hacking into the Sunnydale Daycare Centre, I’d put you, me, Tara, and Faith in the nursery department.

Buffy: Cool! That way not only can we keep an eye on Dawn, but also get more experience with other ages.

Willow (grins): Right!

Buffy walks around to Willow.

Buffy: How’s it goin’ with changing Dawn’s records?

Willow: Everything’s good. The birth certificate, her school records have been changed…everything’s perfect. It’s as if she was just born last year.

Buffy (smiles): Technically she was…

Faith: Only she could do all the things that we could.

Buffy laughs a little at that.

Willow: So what’s the plan, Buffy?

Buffy: Everyone can stay here tonight. Get some good rest, though. We all start school tomorrow.


Charisma Carpenter as Cordelia Chase
Amber Tamblyn as Janice
Eliza Dushku as Faith
James Marsters as Spike

Two Things Every Child Must Go Through Print
The sun rises over the town of Sunnydale, California as the Scooby Gang begins waking up.

First we see Willow, who is sleeping next to Tara, wake up.

Willow gets up quietly, so she doesn’t wake Tara.

She moans softly and stretches.

She goes to the closet and, slowly opening the door, begins to pull out her clothes to change.

Tara (moans): Morning…

She slowly gets up.

Willow looks apologetically over at Tara.

Willow (frowns): I’m so sorry, sweetheart…I didn’t mean to wake you…

Tara (moans): You didn’t. The sun woke me. (smiles a little)

Willow changes into a short, midriff-revealing, baby blue T-shirt, and puts on a pair of blue jeans.

She walks over to Tara and, taking her hand, kisses her.

Willow: Morning, sweetheart.

Tara (smiles): Morning.

They kiss.

Tara: I like your outfit.

Willow (grins): This? I just threw this on.

Tara kisses her.

Tara: It looks great.

Willow: Thanks.

Tara (wondering): Are the others up yet?

Dawn cries from the nursery.

Tara (sighs): Sounds like Dawnie is.

Willow: You wanna go get 'er?

Tara: Nah, we should give Buffy and Dawn some mommy-daughter bonding time.

Willow (smiles, nods): You’re right.

Cut to Buffy’s room, where we see her slowly waking up.

She hears Dawn’s cries and looks over at Faith, who is still sound asleep, snoring her brains out.

Buffy tries to go back to bed by laying face-down and putting the pillow over her head.

Dawn continues to wail.

Buffy (groans softly): Fine, fine…you win. I’m up.

She gets up and, going over to the crib, picks up Dawn.

Buffy (smiles): Morning, sweetheart.

She feels Dawn’s diaper.

Buffy: Nothin’ like a little present in the morning, I always say.

She takes her over to the changing table and, laying her down, begins to change her diaper.

Buffy: You know what, sweetie? I kinda like havin’ you around like this. I mean…you don’t talk back, you don’t steal my clothes, you don’t steal period…it’s really cool seein’ you like this again.

She kisses her tummy and, finished with the change, lifts her up and nuzzles against her tummy.

Buffy (smiles): I promise to be the best mommy I can be.

She stands there, shocked, as what she has just said actually sinks in.

Buffy: I’m Buffy, Dawnie…but you can call me…Mommy.

She lays her back down on the changing table and, lifting up her shirt, begins blowing raspberries on her chest, causing Dawn to squeal with delight.

Buffy (cooing): Who’s my baby girl? Yeah, who’s my girl?? Yeah…you are…you know that? Yeah, that’s right…you’re my baby…

She smiles and picks up Dawn, carrying her over to the closet.

Buffy (smiles): Now what should we wear today? 'Cause you know what today is, sweetie? That’s right! (happily) It’s your first day at daycare! (squealing) Wheeeeee!!!

As she squeals, she spins Dawn around, who giggles almost uncontrollably.

Buffy smiles and stops spinning Dawn, looking at her.

Buffy: So what should we wear today, huh Dawnie?

She holds up one outfit.

It’s the dress with the ugly green color and the polka dots.

Buffy: What do you think?

Dawn cries.

Buffy looks at it.

Buffy (groans): I agree. (to herself) What was I thinking when I bought this??

Buffy holds up another outfit.

It’s a pair of blue jeans, but it has snaps down the sides.

Buffy: What do you think of this one, Dawnie?

Dawn claps her hands happily.

Buffy (smiles): Couldn’t agree more.

She takes Dawn back over to the changing table and lays her down.

Buffy: Now hold still, honey…Mommy’s just gonna put you into these nice pants…

Dawn obeys Buffy and lies still on the changing table.

Buffy slips the pants on Dawn.

Buffy (cooing): Dere we go…dat’s my giwl. You look so cute! I could just eat you!

She pretends to gnaw at Dawn’s foot, which causes Dawn to squeal and giggle.

Buffy picks up Dawn and, after putting blue socks on her, she positions her on her hip.

Buffy: Now…what’d’ya say we go and see everyone else?

Dawn squeals happily.

Dawn: Yay!

Buffy begins walking out of her room, and carrying her into the kitchen, where everyone else has gathered.

Janice, standing by the refrigerator, is wearing an orange top and black jeans.

Tara, looking through the kitchen cupboards, is wearing a red, long-sleeved shirt and blue jean shorts.

Willow is standing by the kitchen table.

Janice (happily): Morning, Buffy!

Willow (happily): Hey, Buffy!

Tara (smiles): Mornin’, Buffy.

Buffy (smiles): Hey guys.

Tara walks over to Buffy and Dawn.

Willow (cooing at Dawn): Well, good morning to you, my sweet wittle Dawnie. And how are we dis morning?

Dawn squeals happily.

Willow (smiles): I guess she’s just excited to be starting daycare.

Buffy: I am, too, I’ll admit…I gotta say, though, I’m a little worried.

Tara (reassuringly): Buffy, you don’t have to worry. I’ve worked there before, so if you want, I can walk you through it.

Buffy (relieved): That’d be great, Tara. Thanks.

Willow: So she’s all ready to go?

Buffy: Yep, changed and dressed.

Willow: We still have to feed her, though.

Buffy: No sweat.

Willow (worried): But we don’t have any baby food.

Buffy (sighs): Okay, time to sweat.

Tara: We can feed her at the daycare centre. They’ve got baby food there.

Buffy: Okay. Let’s go to work now and then on the way home, pick up the essentials.

Tara: Good idea.

Faith moans and walks out into the kitchen, bags under her eyes, hair a mess, pretty much a wreck.

Faith (moans): Morning.

Janice/Tara/Willow/Buffy: Hey, Faith.

Faith (groans): Not so loud…

Buffy (smirks): Too drunk from last night?

Faith: No…too confused from last night…what exactly happened?

Buffy walks up to Faith and takes her hand.

Buffy: I’ll explain later. Meanwhile you’ve gotta get dressed.

Faith (groans): Why?

Buffy: Your new job.

Faith: Job…(realizes) I told you, B; I’m not doin’ that daycare thing.

Willow: It’s too late now, Faith. I’ve already signed up myself, you, Buffy, and Tara. They think that we’ve been working there for at least 5 years. We’re they’re most decorated employees.

Faith (sarcastic): Then it’s gonna make it real hard on them when I quit, isn’t it?

Willow (disappointed): Faith, no…you can’t quit. Please…tell ya what, if you don’t like it after a week, let me know and I’ll zap the building so they’ve never heard of you…as a daycare worker, anyway.

Faith (sighs): Fine. I’ll try it for a week. But what about my outfit? If we’re gonna be late, it’ll look bad on my record.

Willow zaps Faith into wearing a short, maroon-colored T-shirt and blue jeans.

Willow (happily): There ya go.

Janice: Wait, Will…(concerned) what about me?

Willow: Well, I figure that since you look after Dawn so much, you might need a break.

Janice (understanding, smiles): Thanks, Willow.

Willow (smiles): No problem.

Buffy: So…everyone ready?

Willow/Tara/Faith: Yep!

Buffy: Then let’s go to work.


Buffy, holding Dawn in her arms, and the gang walk up to the building.

Willow: Ready?

Group: Yep.

Willow waves her hand.

Willow: There. Now we can just walk in and everyone will know who we are.


Willow, Buffy, Faith, and Tara walk into the daycare centre.

Willow walks up to the desk, where a pretty blonde, who looks to be around 20-21 is sitting.

She looks up at Willow.

Receptionist: Hi! Can I help you?

Willow: Hi…um, you’ll have to forgive me but we just came back from vacation and we’re kinda forgetful since we’ve been gone so long. What room do we report to?

Receptionist: Name?

Willow: Willow Rosenberg.

Receptionist: Just down the hall. Room 314.

Buffy looks at Willow, a look of shock registered on her face.

Willow (easing): It’s just a coincidence, Buffy. Don’t worry.

Buffy (sighs): Okay. As long as it’s just a coincidence.

Willow, Faith, Tara, and Buffy walk down to Room 314.

Buffy (inhales, then exhales): Here we go.

Buffy opens the door slowly to see something she was certainly not expecting.

It was a picture of chaos. There were toddlers screaming at other toddlers, fighting over blocks, struggling on changing tables…it was like it was all taken out of some creepy experimentation movie.

The room was as normal as you’d expect any daycare centre room to be. Baby blue paint on the walls, and strips of wallpaper lined the four corners with pictures of Bugs and the other Looney Tunes crew…but in diapers. There was a line of changing tables along the wall, with a bathroom next to the cubbies, which had each child’s name marked on it with a strip of Masking Tape, inside each one containing their clothes, diapers, and other assorted items for their day there. There were also highchairs in the corner, a toy box on the far left hand side of the wall by the front door, and several other attendants running around after other children.

An attendant walks up to the gang.

She looks to be around 19 years old, brown hair, greenish eyes.

Attendant: Hey, Will!

Willow hugs the attendant.

Willow: Hey, Emma! How’re you?

Emma (sighs wearily): Wiped. Jordan won’t stay still when I’m changing his diaper, Alex won’t stop throwing his food around, and Kimberly won’t stop crying. She’s been crying like that since her mom left.

Emma points over to a little girl who is bawling her eyes out.

Kimberly: Mommy!!! Mommy!!! (bawling) Come back!!! (crying)

Willow (affectionately): Aww….maybe I can get her to stop.

Willow walks over to Kimberly and kneels down to her.

Willow: Well, hi there, sweetie. Now…you miss your mommy, right?

Kimberly (calms down, sniffles): Uh-huh.

Willow: And I know for a fact your mommy misses you. (smiles) But y’know what?

Kimberly: What?

Willow: Your mommy is going to be back very, very soon. I promise.

Kimberly (sniffles): You sure?

Willow (nods): Uh-huh.

Willow takes Kimberly’s little hand and points to the clock.

Willow: You see that little stick at the 12?

Kimberly: Uh-huh.

Willow: And see the 3 over there?

Kimberly: Uh-huh.

Willow: Well, when that little stick reaches the 3, then your mommy will be here to pick you up.

Kimberly: Yay!

Willow smiles and hugs Kimberly.

Willow: I’m glad I could help, sweetheart.

Meanwhile, over in another corner, there’s a little boy who looks around 4.

Boy: No!

Attendant: You have to!

Boy: No! Don’t wanna!

The attendant walks over to Tara.

Attendant: Hey, Tara.

Tara (smiles): Hey, Carrie.

Carrie: Doug doesn’t want to put on his daytime diapers. His mom put him in them before they left, but he ripped it off when he got inside.

Tara (quizzical): So why don’t you just find his diaper and put it back on him?

Carrie: Because by the time we went around for diaper checks, he had ran and stuffed it in the used diaper pail. And by the time I finished getting all the poop off of his hands, we’d changed so many kids since then that I don’t know where it is. The only diapers that fit him are Pampers Size 6, and this is our last one, so if he busts this one up, the poor little guy’s gonna have to go home with no diaper on his bum.

Tara (smiles): Do you want me to try and reason with him?

Carrie (grateful): Would you, please?

Tara: It’d be my pleasure.

She walks over to Doug, who is trying to get up from the changing table.

Tara (sweetly): Hey, sweetie. My name’s Tara.

Doug: No diapies!

Tara (understanding): I see where you’re comin’ from, Dougie. And I understand. I wouldn’t want to be forced into diapers, either. But y’know what…your mommy’s only doing this so you learn how to use the potty. You don’t actually have to use the diaper. All ya gotta do is, when you feel a poop or pee comin’ on, you run to one of us, we’ll take you into the bathroom, take your diaper off, you can go pee or poop in the potty, then we’ll put it back on you.

Doug (pouts): I no wanna wear…

Tara: I understand that, sweetie, but you don’t have to worry. You don’t have to use it, and if you do, we’ll all stand up for you and say you tried your best to make it to the potty.

Doug (smiles a little): Weally?

Tara (nods): Really.

Doug: Put on standing up.

Tara: No problem, buddy.

Tara takes a Pampers Size 6 from the package and untapes both sides.

She opens up the diaper and looks at Doug.

Tara: Okay, Dougie. I’m gonna need you to stand with your legs wide. Can you do that for me? (playful) Spread ‘em wide apart, like you’re doin’ the splits

Doug stands with his legs spread wide apart.

Tara (smiles): Attaboy.

She slips the diaper between his legs and brings it up to his waist.

She closes the diaper and tapes both of the tabs closed.

Tara: There we go, buddy boy.

She lays him on the changing table and reaches over for his pants, but finds poop all over them.

Tara (smiles, to Doug): Wow, you made a big poop, didn’t you?

Doug smiles a little and giggles.

Tara looks over at another attendant.

Tara: Jessica, where are Doug’s extra pants?

Jessica: In his cubby.

Tara: Okay. (to Faith) Faith?

Faith walks over to Tara.

Faith: What’s up, Tara?

Tara: Can you get me Dougie’s extra jeans from his cubby?

Faith: No problemo.

She walks over to his cubby and, taking his extra pair of jeans, tosses them to Tara.

Tara catches them and, in one smooth motion, dresses Doug in a new pair of pants.

Tara places the old jeans in a plastic bag, tying the knot, and throwing it back to Faith.

Tara (calls out): Just put that in his cubby.

Faith: Gotcha.

She places it in Doug’s cubby.

A little girl around 3, tugs on Faith’s pant leg.

Faith looks down at her, making no move to even reach her height.

Faith: What’s up, small fry?

Little Girl: Potty.

Faith (smiles): Oh, you gotta go potty, huh? (to Carrie) Hey, Carrie…where’s the bathroom?

Carrie: Next to the cubbies.

Faith: Thanks.

She takes the girl’s hand and leads her to the bathroom.

Faith: You need any help?

Girl: Me can do it.

Faith (smiles): Okay. I’ll be out here if you need me.

The girl goes inside the bathroom and closes the door.

Buffy walks over to Dawn’s cubby and puts her diaper bag into the cubby.

She walks over to Emma.

Buffy: Hey, Emma.

Emma (smiles): Hey, Buffy! How are you?

Buffy: Not bad…

Emma (noticing Dawn): Dawnie’s really grown since you were last here.

Buffy (chuckles): I know what’cha mean.

Emma: And just think…since you’re here and she’s here, she doesn’t have to worry about being away from her mother.

Buffy (smiles): Exactly.

Emma (pleased): I just think it’s awesome.

Carrie walks over to Buffy with Jordan, the kicking and screaming toddler from before.

Carrie hands him to Buffy.

Carrie (fed up): I can’t do it. He won’t stay still for me.

Buffy: Oh, um…(no choice) want me to try?

Carrie (grateful): Would you?

Buffy (forced laugh): No problem.

Buffy takes Jordan, who continues to kick and fight, over to the changing table.

Buffy (smiling sweetly): Sweetie, it’ll be okay. Buffy’ll change your diaper in no time flat, but she’s gonna have to get you to stop squirming.

Jordan continues and kick and flail.

Jordan: No!!! Don’t change diaper!!! No messy!!!

Buffy (sighs, smiles): If you stop squirming, I’ll give you a treat.

Jordan stops squirming immediately.

Jordan: Treat?

Buffy (smiles widely): That’s right. I’ve got a bag of chocolate chip cookies in my backpack over there and if you stop squirming so I can change your diaper, you can have them….but you have to promise not to eat them until you get home.

Jordan pouts.

Buffy (smiling): Jordan…I’ve got a big bag of 'em…

Jordan smiles and lays back on the changing table, obedient

Buffy (cooing): That’s a good boy.

She slips off his red sweatpants and, after fastening the safety strap around his waist, untapes his diaper.

She opens it up and finds the contents.

Buffy (smiles widely): Wow, Jordan…you really made a big poop, didn’t you?

Jordan (giggles): Made pee-pee too.

Buffy (giggles): I can see that. Well, let’s get you cleaned up.

She looks over at Willow.

Buffy (calls out): Will!

Willow looks back at Buffy.

Willow (calls back): Yeah?

Buffy: Can you toss me Jordan’s diaper bag?

Willow: Sure!

She reaches into Jordan’s cubby and, grabbing his diaper bag, tosses it to Buffy.

Buffy reaches in and, taking out a new diaper, opens it and untapes the tabs.

She places it underneath the changing table, but at easy reach for herself.

She holds Jordan’s legs with one hand and, using several baby wipes, wipes the mess from his bottom.

Jordan squirms on the table.

Buffy (calming): I know it’s cold, sweetie, but don’t worry. I’ll be done…

But Buffy was cut off by a scream…a scream that she had performed.

There has never been a scream that loud by her…not even in “Hush”. The “Hush” scream was a mere whimper compared to this one.

See, Jordan had just done something that nobody told her to expect when working with a toddler boy…

Jordan had just urinated in her face.

Buffy felt it below her nose and shut her eyes in horror.

Jordan begins to wail loudly.

Buffy realized her error…never scream in the presence of a toddler.

Buffy quickly undid the strap, picked up Jordan, diaperless, holding him pressed against her chest.

Buffy: I’m so sorry, sweetie…I–I didn’t mean to scream like that…it just…surprised me. I’m sorry…

Buffy bounces Jordan up and down in her arms, and he begins calming down.

Buffy: Attaboy…now let’s get that diaper changed.

She lays him back down on the table and, taking his legs in her hand, elevates his bottom from the table.

She then, taking a bottle from below the table, powders his bottom with baby powder.

She then grabs the diaper that she’d opened earlier and, elevating his bottom again, slips the diaper underneath.

Remembering the indignity that he suffered while in diapers, Jordan begins to kick and fuss.

Buffy (sternly): Jordan….remember what I told you? No diaper, no cookies.

Jordan stops kicking and struggling.

Buffy (smiles, cooing): Good boy. You’re such a good wittle boy…

She brings the diaper up through his legs.

Buffy (cooing): Yes you are…yes, you are…

She tapes it closed and slips his pants back on him.

Buffy lifts him up and sets him down on the floor.

Buffy: I always keep my word, so…

She hands Jordan a big bag of chocolate chip cookies.

Buffy (smiles): But no eating them until you get home.

Jordan: Tank you.

He hugs her leg.

Buffy smiles and, after prying him from her leg, gives him a pat on his diapered butt.

Buffy: Go play now, honey.

Jordan toddles off to play with the other children.

Buffy goes over to the sink and washes her hands.

Emma walks over to Buffy, holding a toddler in her arms.

Emma: I’ve got another candidate who wants to see you, Buffy.

Dawn: Mommy!

Buffy looks at Dawn, smiling.

If you were looking at an X-Ray of Buffy, her heart wouldn’t be there…

Because it melted hearing Dawn call her that.

Buffy takes Dawn from Emma.

Buffy (cooing): Hey, cutie! How’s my wittle Dawnie?

Dawn: Fun!

Buffy (cooing): Havin’ fun, sweetie-pie?

Dawn nods and smiles.

Buffy: You wanna go play with the blocks, honey?

Dawn: Bwock!

Buffy (smiles): Okay, let’s go!

She and Dawn go over to the blocks.

Attendant: Okay, guys! Lunchtime!

Buffy (smiles, cooing to Dawn): Yay! Lunch! (smiles) I bet you’re a hungry little one, ain’t’cha?

Dawn giggles and claps her hands.

Buffy takes Dawn over to a highchair and sets her on it.

She sets the locking tray in place.

Dawn fusses and cries, banging her fists on the highchair.

Buffy walks over to Dawn with a jar of strained carrots and a little plastic spoon.

Buffy (calm): I know you don’t like being fed this way, Dawnie, but it’s the easiest way to make sure you don’t fall out.

Dawn pouts.

Carrie (offering): Dawn looks fussy, Buffy. You want me to handle feeding her?

Buffy: No…nah, I can do it.

Carrie: Okay.

Buffy sighs and looks at Dawn.

She opens the jar of baby food and dips the spoon into it.

Buffy: Okay, Dawnie…here comes the airplane.

She begins making airplane noises as she moves the spoon around and then puts the food into Dawn’s mouth.

Dawn swallows it.

Buffy (smiling widely): Good girl!

After feeding her the rest of the carrots, Buffy unsnaps Dawn’s highchair and lifts her out of it.

Buffy (cooing): Who’s my good girl? Who’s my good girl?

She tickles Dawn’s tummy and Dawn giggles.

Buffy sniffs.

Buffy (cooing): You’re also my dirty little girl! You know that, Dawnie-kins? Someone’s made a big poopy in their diapies. (major cooing) Yes they did!

She tickles Dawn’s tummy and she squeals with delight.

Buffy (to Carrie): Carrie, I’ll be right back. I’m just gonna go change her.

Carrie: No problem, Buffy.

Willow (smiles): Yeah, we’re fine here.

Buffy takes Dawn over to the changing table and lays her on it.

Buffy begins taking off Dawn’s pants.

Buffy (smiles): Lucky these have snaps.

She removes her pants and sets them aside.

She untapes Dawn’s diaper and opens it.

Buffy (grins): Ooh! Someone’s left Mommy a big present!

She tickles Dawn’s tummy, and she squeals happily.

Buffy (smiles): Well, don’t worry, Dawn, 'cause we’re gonna get you into a new diaper quick as a flash.

Dawn fusses on the table.

Buffy (sympathetic): I know you don’t like being naked…believe me, nobody does…but I gotta take your diaper off to give you a new one. Otherwise you could get a rash.

Dawn, seeming that she understands, stops fussing and smiles up at Buffy.

Buffy (smiles): There’s my good girl…

Buffy uses the front end of the diaper to clean Dawn’s privates and bum.

She then lifts Dawn’s bottom from the table and slips the dirty diaper out from underneath.

She balls the diaper up and sets it aside from both.

Buffy lowers Dawn’s bottom back on the changing table and, taking her legs in her hand, wipes her bottom with baby wipes.

Buffy (smiles): You’re a real big pooper, sweetheart…(giggles)

Dawn giggles as well.

Buffy takes the baby powder from the changing table shelf and powders her bottom.

Buffy takes a new diaper from Dawn’s diaper bag and, opening it up and untaping the tabs, slips it underneath Dawn’s bottom, bringing it up through her legs and taping it closed.

Buffy: There’s my big girl. (cooing) Who’s my big girl?? Who’s my big girl?

She blows raspberries on Dawn’s tummy, to which Dawn squeals and laughs with delight.

Emma walks over to the two of them, taking Dawn from Buffy.

Emma: Sorry, Buffy…but it’s naptime.

Dawn cries at the notion of being separated from her mother.

Buffy: Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’ll be right here with you…

Dawn continues to wail.

Buffy: Emma…Emma, wait!

Emma: Yeah?

Buffy: C…can I maybe…keep her next to me while naptime goes on? (pleading) I’ll–I’ll even sleep myself…if–if it’ll help.

Emma (smiles warmly): It’s okay, Buffy. You don’t have to sleep. I can understand how close you and Dawn are. I have, as I’m sure others have, no objection to it.

Buffy hugs Emma.

Buffy (grateful): Thank you!

Emma (giggles): No problem.

Buffy takes Dawn back from Emma and Dawn wraps her arms around her neck.

Buffy walks over to a rocking chair and sits with Dawn.

Buffy (singing softly and sweetly): Every single night, the same arrangement/I go out and fight the fight/Still I always feel the strange estrangement/Nothing here is real, nothing here is right/I’ve been making shows of trading blows, just hoping no-one knows/That I’ve been going through the motions/Walking through the part/Nothing seems to penetrate my/

She touches her nose.

Buffy (softly and sweetly, smiles): Heart
(She says the note, and doesn’t hold it like in the show)

Buffy (singing softly and sweetly): I was always brave and righteous, but now I find I’m wavering/Crawl out of your grave, you’ll find this fight just/Doesn’t mean a thing/She ain’t got that swing/Thanks for noticing/She does pretty well with fiends from Hell but lately we can tell/That she’s just going through the motions/going through the motions/faking it somehow/She’s not even half the girl she…ow/

Seeing Dawn’s asleep, she gets up and, going over to an empty crib, lays her inside of it.

Buffy sighs, looking at Dawn, then she solemnly looks around the daycare centre.

Buffy (singing softly): Will I stay this way forever/Sleepwalk through my life’s endeavor/How can I repay/Whatever/I don’t wanna be/Going through the motions/Losing all my drive/I can’t even see/If this is really me/And I just wanna be/

She looks at the camera.

Buffy (speaks, whispers): Alive.

The children are all waking up.

Buffy walks up to Dawn and lifts her out of the crib.

Buffy (smiling): Hey, sleepyhead! Time to go!

Dawn (smiles): Mommy!

Buffy (smiles sweetly): That’s right, Dawnie. Ready to go?

Dawn nods, so Buffy and the group walk out of the daycare centre.

Willow (smiles): See you guys tomorrow.

Carrie: Bye, guys!


Buffy: Now, Dawnie, I know you’re not gonna like this, but we had to get this done sometime.

Dawn looks confused.

Buffy pulls into an office building parking lot.

The group get out of the Jeep and walk into the office.

Buffy walks up to the desk, holding Dawn.

Buffy: Buffy Summers. I called yesterday about an appointment for my…(finally says it) daughter.

Receptionist: Ah, so this must be little Dawn.

Buffy (smiles): That’s her.

Receptionist: You can go on in.

The group walks in and sits in chairs.

A man walks out of an office and up to Buffy.

The man shakes her hand.

Man: Hello, Buffy.

Buffy (smiles): Hello.

Man: I’m Dr. Romano.

Buffy (smiles a little): Hi.

Dr. Romano looks at Dawn.

Dr. Romano: And this must be little Dawnie.

Dawn hides her face in Buffy’s shirt.

Dr. Romano: Ohh…don’t worry, sweetheart…I’m a good man. I’m a doctor…my job is to help you get better if you’re sick.

Dawn looks at him, but still kind of afraid.

Dr. Romano: Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be fine. (to Buffy) Now what was it you said she needed?

Buffy: She needs to get her immunization records updated.

Dr. Romano: So that’s Hepatitis C, Hepatitis B, Rubella, and Polio.

Buffy (nods): Right.

Dr. Romano: Don’t worry. I’ll take good care of her.

He wheels out a tray of four needles on it, and Dawn’s eyes go wide.


Amber Tamblyn as Janice
Eliza Dushku as Faith
Lisa Robin Kelly as the Receptionist
Lindsay Lohan as Emma
Neve Campbell as Carrie
Mischa Barton as Jessica
Paul McCrane as Dr. Robert Romano

NOTE: Paul McCrane crosses over as his “ER” character Dr. Robert Romano.

Pediatricians, Pharmacies, and Problems Print
Dawn begins to cry.

Buffy (calm): It’s okay, Dawnie. Everything’ll be okay. (to Dr. Romano) This isn’t gonna hurt her…(sternly/threatening) Right?

Dr. Romano: She won’t feel a thing, I promise.

Buffy: I certainly hope she doesn’t, because if she does I hope you have Security standing by.

Dr. Romano (reassuring): You don’t have to worry about a thing, Miss Summers. She’ll be fine.

Buffy (relieved): Good.

Dr. Romano picks up Dawn and begins taking her over to the examination table.

He lays her down and takes off her shirt.

He begins feeling her stomach.

Dawn whimpers.

Buffy looks very irritated.

Dr. Romano (calming, to Dawn): Don’t worry, sweetheart. I’m not going to hurt you, I promise.

He unbuttons her pants and slips them off.

Dr. Romano untapes her diaper and opens it, inspecting her privates.

Dr. Romano (smiles, to Buffy): She’s a very healthy child, Miss Summers.

He puts the diaper back onto Dawn.

He looks at the nurse.

Dr. Romano: Let’s prepare the Hepatitis B shot first.

The nurse takes the needle and squirts it to make sure it’s got enough fluid in it.

Dawn begins to whimper.

Buffy walks up behind Dawn.

Buffy (smiles): Don’t worry, sweetheart. Everything’ll be okay. I promise. You wanna hold Mommy’s hand?

Dawn whimpers, nodding.

Buffy takes her little hand and holds it in hers.

Buffy (smiles): Attagirl. (to the doctor) Make this quick but painless.

Dr. Romano: I’ll do my best, Miss Summers.

The nurse takes the needle over to Dawn and, using a tourniquet to check for a vein, puts the needle into Dawn’s skin.

Dawn begins crying loudly.

Buffy looks at Dr. Romano.

Buffy: I’m not having her go though that three more times.

Dr. Romano (sighs): We have to do it this way otherwise it won’t get into her system properly.

Buffy looks at Dr. Romano.

Buffy: Now you listen here, Dr. Romano…she is my daughter, now if you want to give her the needles, go ahead…but every time I hear her scream, cry, or whimper because of something you did…you’ll wish you hadn’t given her those needles. So you find another way to give her these vaccinations because I refuse to listen to this little one go through any kind of pain unless she absolutely, positively has to.

Dr. Romano: I’m going to try my best to numb her pain, Miss Summers. But as of now, there’s nothing I can do. We have to give her the vaccinations by needle otherwise they won’t work and we’d just have to give them to her eventually.

Willow (calm): Buffy, she needs these immunizations. It’s just three little needles.

Dr. Romano: Actually…

Buffy (icily): What?!

Dr. Romano (sheepishly): We have to give her a blood test as well.

Buffy (sighs): You just don’t learn, do you??

Faith: B! Take it easy…now, I don’t want Dawnie in any pain more than you do, but these are necessary. Once he’s done, we can go.

Buffy (sighs deeply): Aw, man…fine.

Dr. Romano looks at Dawn.

Dr. Romano (calming): Now, Dawnie, I need you to hold very still for me. Can you do that?

Dawn whimpers and shakes her head.

Buffy takes Dawn’s face in her hands and has her look directly at her.

Buffy: Sweetie, it’ll be okay…just look at Mommy, okay? Can you do that?

She, as well as the gang, begin making faces to distract her.

Dawn giggles and laughs.

While distracted, Dr. Romano puts the needles into different veins in Dawn’s arms.

Dawn screams in pain and Dr. Romano removes the needles from her veins.

He puts a cotton ball and a Spongebob Squarepants Band-Aid on each of her needle marks.

Buffy hugs her tightly and rubs her back as Dawn continues crying.

Buffy (calming): Oh, you’re such a good girl, sweetie…yeah, you’re such a good girl…I’m so proud of you…(smiles)

Buffy kisses her forehead and then kisses her cheek.

She looks at Dr. Romano.

Buffy: I hope that never has to happen again anytime soon.

Dr. Romano: You have my word, Miss Summers. Just pay the receptionist out front and then you can go.

Dawn continues to cry.

Faith (worried): What’s the matter, Dawnie?

Willow (smiles): I think I know.

Buffy pulls back Dawn’s pants and sniffs, moving her head away from her.

Buffy (exhales): Whoa…this is a serious emergency…

Dr. Romano (smiles): You can change her in the back room.

Buffy: Thank you.

She walks to the back of the room and, laying her on the changing table, begins taking off her pants.

Buffy (pleased): You were such a good girl in there, Dawnie…Mommy’s so proud of you.

She nuzzles her tummy and begins untaping her diaper.

Buffy (smiles): Mommy’s even more proud of your little offering, honey.

She tickles Dawn’s tummy and Dawn squeals with laughter.

Faith sticks her head in.

Faith: Need any help, B?

Buffy (smiles): Nah, I’m okay. Thanks, Faith.

Faith: No problemo.

She goes back into Dr. Romano’s room with the rest of the gang.

Buffy (cooing): You’re such a good girl, Dawnie.

She tickles her as she wipes her bottom.

Dawn giggles.

Buffy (cooing): I know, I know it’s cold. (smiles)

She tickles her and Dawn squeals with laughter.

Buffy takes Dawn’s legs in her hand and powders her bottom.

She takes a clean diaper and, slipping it through Dawn’s legs, brings it up through her legs, tapes it closed.

She kisses her stomach.

Buffy: You’re Mommy’s little girl, you know that?

She tickles her and Dawn squeals.

She dresses her again, picks her up and takes her back to the gang.

Buffy: Okay, let’s get goin’, guys.

The gang walks out to the waiting room.

Buffy walks up to the receptionist.

Buffy: Okay, now we have to make her six-month appointment again, right?

Receptionist: That’s right.

She hands Buffy some forms.

They read:
BIRTHDATE: 7/16/03

Buffy looks at the paper, trying to digest the “MOTHER: BUFFY SUMMERS” part.

Buffy (thinking, amazed): Oh my God…she really did it. She changed her records…I can’t believe it.

She signs the form and looks at the receptionist.

Buffy (grateful): Thank you, Miss.

Receptionist: You’re welcome.

The gang walks out of Dr. Romano’s office and goes down the street to Buffy’s Jeep.

Tara (smiles): Here, Buffy. I can take her.

Buffy: Thanks Tara, but I think I can do this.

Buffy walks over to the car seat and fixes Dawn in it, strapping her in.

Dawn cries.

Buffy (smiles): I know you’re sad, sweetie, but I promise you won’t be sad when you find out where we’re gonna be going!

Dawn squeals happily.

As Tara closes the door to the Jeep, Buffy goes around to the driver’s side and, closing the door and starting the car, drives down the street.
(Time Lapse: 20 minutes)

The gang walks inside.

Buffy: Okay, we need extra diapers, baby wipes, diaper rash cream, powder, formula, bottles, pacifiers, aspirin rattles, baby food, baby blanket, Diaper Genie, nipples and breast pumps.

Willow: What about a thermometer?

Buffy: I totally forgot about that. Should we get a…y’know…

Tara: Y’know, Buffy, with these new thermometers they have them where you can put it either in the ear or under the arm and it gives a very accurate reading.

Buffy (a little surprised): Wow. Things certainly have changed since our day. Okay, let’s go for the o–

Willow: Buffy, wait…rectal may be more painful for Dawn, but it gives a better reading. And isn’t that really what you’re concerned about if she ever got a fever?

Buffy (sighs): You’re right. Grab the rectal thermometer.

Dawn cries in Buffy’s arms.

Tara (smiling a little): I think she heard you.

Buffy (cooing, to Dawn): Sweetie, don’t worry…Mommy wouldn’t hurt you. Mommy wuvs you.

She kisses Dawn’s forehead.

Tara/Faith/Willow: Awwwww….

Buffy gives them a look and they all shut up instantly.

Buffy (smirks): That’s better. Okay…Willow, you get the extra diapers, baby wipes, diaper rash cream, and powder; Tara, you grab the formula, bottles, pacifiers, aspirin and rattles; Faith, you get the baby food, baby blanket, Diaper Genie, nipples and breast pumps.

Faith (scoffs): What’re you gonna do, B?

Buffy: I gotta get a…(swallows) rectal thermometer. (sighs) As well as bibs, which I forgot to mention. Okay, everyone’s got their orders? Let’s go.

Tara: Wait, Buffy…what kind of diapers are you gonna use?

Buffy: What do you mean? Pampers, Luvs, Drypers, Huggies…and there are a bunch of generic brands.

Willow: I–I think what Tara means is are you gonna use cloth or disposable.

Buffy: Definitely disposable. They may be not all that great for the environment but look at it this way…it’s less to clean up, they’re easier to get rid of, and you don’t have to worry about jabbing her with the pins.

Willow (smiles): You’re right about that, Buffy.

Dawn fusses in Buffy’s arms.

Buffy (concerned): Aww…what’s wrong, baby?

She puts her over her shoulder and begins to rub her back.

Willow: Buffy, I think you’re doing it wrong…

Dawn belches and spits up on the back of Buffy’s shirt.

Buffy (sighs): Guess not. (smiles a little) Ah, well. Just gotta stop by the department store for a new shirt…and a few cloths might come in handy.

Tara takes a napkin from her purse and wipes the spit-up from Buffy’s shirt.

Tara (smiles): There ya go, Buffy.

Buffy (grateful): Thanks, Tara. So troops…everyone’s got their assignments. Move out.

They all go in separate directions.

TIME LAPSE: 15 minutes


The group walks out to the Jeep, their arms loaded down with bags.

Buffy: I haven’t spent that much money since…never. You have no idea how much Dawnie has cost me in money.

Willow: $312.46.

Buffy (smiles): So you do know.

The gang puts the things in the back of the Jeep.

Buffy (groans): Oh God…I’m gonna need a…

Willow (smiles): Don’t say it.

Buffy: Station wagon.

Willow grins.

Willow: Hate to say it, but…yeah. Probably.

Buffy groans a little.

Buffy: Let’s get outta here.

The gang, after piling the stuff into the back, gets into the Jeep and Buffy drives down the street.
(Time Lapse: 20 minutes)

The Jeep pulls into a parking lot of a department store.

Buffy and the gang get out of the Jeep and Buffy goes to let Dawn out of her car seat.

She takes her in her arms and bounces her, to which Dawn giggles.

Buffy (smiles): For being such a good girl in Dr. Romano’s office, Dawnie…I’ve got a surprise for you.

Buffy takes Dawn into the store.

We see that it’s TOYS ‘R’ US.

Dawn squeals and bounces in Buffy’s arms, giggling and laughing.

Willow (smiles, wistful): Those were the days.

Tara: Yeah…remember when your mom brought you to a toy store for the first time? It was so much fun. She’d take you over to the little games and let you pick one out for yourself…

Faith: My mom never did that for me. Her game was “Guess How Much Jack Daniels I Can Drink In 60 Seconds?” (smirks) Wasn’t very fun since I never got to guess on account of it was always under 60 seconds when she passed out.

Dawn spots a Tickle Me Elmo and her hands immediately begin to shoot towards it.

Buffy (laughs): Okay, Dawnie…don’t worry…we’ll get there.

The gang laughs at Dawn’s persistence and begins to walk over to the Tickle-Me-Elmo.

Dawn looks next to it and sees a medium-sized, pink teddy bear.

She grabs it and holds it in her arms.

Buffy/Willow/Tara/Faith: Aww….

Tara (smiles): That’s so cute.

Buffy (tenderly): I guess she knows what she wants. (smiles, to Faith) She takes after her mother.

Faith gives a smile back.

Buffy: Let’s get goin’, guys.

The group goes to the counter, but then Buffy stops walking.

Buffy: Uh-oh.

Willow and the group stop and look back at her.


Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Adventures in Scooby Sitting

Scooby Gang To The Rescue Print

Buffy: We need to get to the Trio’s hideout as soon as possible.

Willow: Buffy’s right. We need to get Janice back.

Buffy: But there’s only one problem. We need someone to look after Dawn while we’re out.

She sighs and goes to the phone.

Buffy: I really don’t wanna do this, but…

She dials the phone.

Buffy: Hey. Can you come over? I’ve got a real problem that I need your help on. (listens) Thanks.

She hangs up.

Buffy looks at the group.

Buffy: Everything’s all set.

(Time Lapse)

There is a knock on the door.

Buffy goes to the door and opens it.

Anya (worried): Why did you call me here? Is there a problem with Xander? What happened?

Buffy (reassuring): Don’t worry. Xander’s fine.

Buffy lets Anya in and closes the door.

Buffy: I need a favor.

Anya: What kind of favor?

Buffy (sighs deeply): We have to go out and find Janice…and we need someone to look after Dawn.

Anya (confused): You…you called me here…to babysit??

Buffy: Yes.

Anya: I–I can’t! I know nothing about children! O–only what I’ve learned from TV!

Buffy: Anya, don’t worry…you’ll be fine. I promise.

She hands Dawn to Tara, then takes Anya’s hand and leads her to the nursery.

Buffy: This is the nursery. The changing table’s over there for diaper changes, there’s powder, wipes, diaper rash cream, and extra diapers in the second shelf, there’s a bassinette in the corner for when she gets tired and needs a nap, and there’s a crib by the changing table for when she’s tired and it’s time for her to be put to bed. Any questions?

Anya: What if she gets hot?

Buffy: Feel her forehead and if it’s warm, give her some aspirin…it’s in the kitchen cupboard.

Anya: What if she gets a cold?

Buffy: Wrap her in a blanket and keep her warm.

Anya: What if she poops?

Buffy (smiles a little): Change her diaper.

Meanwhile, in the living room, Dawn cries in Tara’s arms.

Tara (smiles, cooing): Did you have an accident, little one?

She takes her into the nursery.

Tara (grinning): You have a visitor, Buffy.

Buffy takes Dawn from Tara, realizing.

Buffy: Uh-oh. (smiles) Somebody’s wet.

Tara (smiles, wrinkles her nose): She’s a little messy too.

Buffy looks at Anya.

Buffy: Looks like this is a good case for you to try, Anya.

Anya gingerly takes Dawn from Buffy, but holding her by the stomach with one hand.

Buffy (worried): Anya! Anya, no…

She corrects Anya’s position in holding Dawn so she holds her properly.

Buffy: Put one hand underneath her head and support her neck, then put one other hand under her behind.

Anya: That’s disgusting…there’s something sloshing around inside her.

Buffy (sighs): She’s messy, Anya. You need to change her.

Anya: I–I don’t know how to do that.

Tara (stepping up): I can help you with that, Anya.

Tara takes Dawn from Anya, cooing at her.

Dawn fusses in Tara’s arms.

Tara (cooing): Aww…I know you’re dirty, sweetie-pie, but don’t worry…Auntie Anya’s gonna change that poopy diaper.

Tara lays Dawn on the changing table and takes off her shirt and takes off her jeans.

She fastens her to the changing table using the safety strap, and looks at Anya.

Tara (smiling, inviting): All yours, Anya.

Anya (nervous): M–me? I–I can’t…

Buffy: You’ll be fine, Anya. I promise you. We’re both here to keep an eye on you. If you get in trouble, we’ll come in and help.

Anya walks up to the changing table, looking down at Dawn.

Dawn looks up at Anya and wails.

Anya (nervous): Oh…oh, uh…shush…shh….it’s okay…shh….please stop crying…please…please, please…I’ll give you something…

Dawn continues to cry.

Anya (realizing that she wouldn’t stop): O–okay…hold still…

She begins untaping the diaper.

Anya: Oh, God…(swallows) This is disgusting…

Buffy (tenderly): Take it easy, Anya…it’s just baby poop. It’s not poisonous. So don’t worry about it. Also, try to take it easy and calm down…if she knows you’re afraid, then she’ll never stop crying.

Anya opens her diaper and recoils in disgust.

Anya: Oh my God!!

Buffy: Anya, it’s all right. We’ve dealt with much worse, trust us. Now…wipe her privates with the clean end of the diaper, front to back.

Anya wipes Dawn’s privates with the clean end of the diaper.

Tara: Now take her legs with one hand, lift her bum from the changing table, and slip the diaper out from under her.

Anya takes Dawn’s legs with her left hand and lifts Dawn’s bottom from the changing table, slipping the dirty diaper from under her.

She folds it up and hands it to Buffy.

Buffy (disgusted a little): Thanks, Anya.

She wraps it in a ball, tapes it closed, shoots for the diaper pail and gets it in.

Dawn continues to cry.

Anya: Now what? Wh–why is she crying like that?

Tara (tenderly): She’s just a little shy about being naked like that.

Anya: Wh–what do I do?

Tara: Now, while you’re holding her legs, take the baby wipes from the container and wipe her mess from her bottom.

Anya takes the wipes and slowly wipes Dawn’s bottom, missing a few spots.

Buffy: Wipe it again, Anya.

Anya wipes her bottom again, cleaning it up completely.

Buffy: Good work. Now take the bottle of baby powder and sprinkle some powder on Dawnie’s bottom.

Anya takes the bottle and sprinkles it on Dawn’s bottom.

Anya: Now what?

Tara: Now take a new diaper from the bottom of the changing table.

Anya takes the diaper from the bottom of the table and opens it.

Anya sniffs the inside.

Anya: It smells funny…

Buffy: That’s just the smell of baby powder, Anya.

Anya: O…okay.

She tries to untape the tabs, but they won’t untape properly.

Tara: Do you want me to do that, Anya?

Anya: No, no…I need to learn…

Anya untapes the diaper tabs.

Anya: Yes! I got it!

Tara (smiles): Congratulations, Anya. Now lift her bottom up and slip the diaper underneath her.

Anya lifts Dawn’s bottom from the table and slips the diaper underneath her.

Buffy: Now bring it up through her legs…

Tara: And tape the tabs closed.

Anya brings the diaper up through her legs and tapes them closed.

She unstraps her from the table and picks up Dawn, her diaper on correctly.

Anya (amazed): I did it!

Buffy (smiles): Congratulations, Anya.

Tara: Nice work, Anya.

Willow rushes in.

Willow (excitedly): Guys! I did it! I found where Janice is!

Buffy: Okay, let’s go.

Buffy and Tara start to walk out.

Dawn cries and wails in Anya’s arms.

Dawn: Mommy!!!

Buffy stops and looks at Dawn, going back to her.

Buffy takes Dawn from Anya and bounces her in her arms.

Buffy: Aww…don’t worry, cutie. Mommy loves you…she’ll be back very soon, I promise you.

Dawn begins calming down.

Buffy: And don’t you worry, Dawnie…Anya’ll take care of you…

She kisses her forehead and Dawn hugs her mother, her little arms wrapping around her neck.

Buffy: Dawnie…Mommy has to go…

She pries her hands from her neck and hands her back to Anya.

Buffy: She loves you, though…don’t worry…Anya’s going to take real good care of you while we’re gone…I promise.

She gives her a kiss on the forehead and, with that, the group walks out of the house, closing the door.

Dawn wails loudly for her mother after the door closes.

Buffy leans against the door.

Buffy (frowns, unhappy): Listen to her…I can’t deal with that…

Willow (tenderly): Buffy, you have to…it’s all part of being a parent…

Buffy: You’re right…(sighs) you’re definitely right, Willow. (sighs deeply) C’mon, let’s go get Janice.

The group goes to the nerds’ hideout.

Warren: Now, we’ve gotten the Slayer out of the way so what’re we going to do now?

Buffy kicks the door in.

Buffy: You’re going to pay for kidnapping my best friend!

Warren looks at Buffy.

Warren: What?! What’re you talking about, Slayer?!

Buffy: You kidnapped Janice!

Warren: I didn’t kidnap anyone!

Buffy: Yes, you did! I got this note from you!

She tosses him the note.

Warren catches it and looks it over.

Warren: I–I didn’t send anything, and I didn’t kidnap anyone!

Buffy: You’re lying!

She rushes him and knocks him down.

Warren: I swear to you, Slayer! I didn’t kidnap her!

Voice from above: That’s right.

Buffy looks up at the source of the voice.

Jonathon and Andrew: We did.

Andrew: We were tired of Warren always ignoring us…never giving us credit…so we figured that if we kidnapped someone close to the Slayer, we thought he might’ve been happy with us.

Warren: Happy?! Do I look happy?!

Jonathon: See, I told you he’d hate us, doofus.

Andrew: Well, I didn’t think…

Jonathon: See?! That’s the problem! You never think!!

Andrew: I always think!

Jonathon: Not about stuff like this!

Andrew: Shut up!

Jonathon: You shut up!

Warren: Both of you shut up! (sighs) Look, Buffy…I want to apologize for these two geeks. You can have your friend back.

Jonathon and Andrew each pull out a gun.

Jonathon: No you can’t.

Andrew: She’s way better than you, Warren. We want her for ourselves.

All of a sudden, their guns get roped by some sort of substance and get taken out of their hands.

Voice: Didn’t anyone ever tell you “you can’t always get what you want?”

The figure, with the proportions of a male, wearing red and blue, swings in on what looks like rope, and kicks Jonathon and Andrew down.

The figure kicks open the door.

Janice: Help me!

Figure: Don’t worry, I’ll get you out of here.

The figure rushes over to her ropes and breaks them.

The figure puts her over his shoulder and takes her outside.

Buffy sees the figure clearly.

Buffy (shocked): Oh my God…

The figure hops over the banister and drops down.

He hands Janice to Buffy.

Buffy: Is that you…

Buffy focuses her eyes on the figure.

Buffy: Spider-Man?

The looks on everyone’s faces



Eliza Dushku as Faith
Adam Busch as Warren Mears
Danny Strong as Jonathan Levinson
Tom Lenk as Andrew Wells
Tobey Maguire as Spider-Man

NOTE: Tobey Maguire crosses over as his character Peter Parker (a.k.a Spider-Man) from the “Spider-Man” feature films.

Shock, Surprise, and Shopping Print

Buffy: It–it can’t be! I–I…

Spider-Man: It’s me….Buffy.

Willow: You…you know Spider-Man?!

Spider-Man: Yeah. We knew each other back in New York.

Buffy: I was on vacation in New York…I was walking down the street…before I became the Slayer…anyway, I got mugged and…Spider-Man saved my life.

Willow: So…what’re you doing in Sunnydale?

Spider-Man (smiles): I’m on vacation with Peter Parker and his wife Mary Jane Watson. They asked me to come along to protect them…'cause from what I hear about this town…they’ll need it.

Tara: That’s really sweet of you, Spider-Man.

Spider-Man (chuckles): Yeah, I thought so too.

Buffy: So…how did you find me?

Spider-Man: I’d remember your scent anywhere, Buffy.

Buffy (smiles a little): Thank you…I think. (grins)

Spider-Man: Shall we go?

Buffy: We’ve got to go to the bookstore as well as the clothing store for clothes for my little…my daughter.

As anyone who knew Buffy could tell…she was still getting used to Dawn being her daughter.

Spider-Man: If you need any help…

He hands her a small silver-looking spider.

Spider-Man: This is a Spider-Tracer. Put this on you and then I can find you anywhere.

Buffy puts the tracer onto the skin of her shoulder and covers it with her shirt.

Buffy: There.

Spider-Man: Okay. Well, now if you’ll excuse me, I’m sure Mary Jane’s expecting me. I was supposed to meet her and Pete for dinner an hour ago.

He shoots his webbing and flies out.

Buffy: Okay, guys…next stop…clothing store.

Willow: Buffy, wait…what about Anya?

Buffy: I’m sure she’s okay, Willow.

Meanwhile, back at Buffy’s house we hear…

Anya screams of terror.

Anya: Oh my God! No! No!!

We see that she’s trying to change Dawn’s dirty diaper, which is covered in poop.

Anya (groans and gags): Why did Buffy have to leave me with her…when she could do a…a mess like this?? Well…I don’t want to use a lot of baby wipes, so…

She goes to the bathroom and, taking a towel from the rack, comes back to Dawn and, taking her legs in her hand, wipes her bottom with the towel, getting her clean.

Dawn screams and cries loudly because the towel is dry and it hurts her bottom scraping along it.

Anya looks at it.

Anya: Eww…

She walks back into the bathroom and, tossing it in the bathtub, turns on the tap, and begins washing the towel.

Anya: There…now that’ll just flush down the drain.

She walks back to where Dawn is.

Anya: There.

She takes the baby powder and powders Dawn’s bottom.

Dawn sneezes.

Anya gasps.

Anya: Oh my God…are you okay?

Realizing Dawn can’t answer, Anya takes the clean diaper and, opening it up, she slips it under Dawn’s legs.

She brings it up through her legs and tapes the tabs.

She unstraps her, picks her up and the diaper falls off.

Anya: Why did this work so well before??

She takes another diaper and, putting it onto Dawn, tapes it closed.

She picks her up and this time the diaper stays on.

Anya (claps): Yay!

Dawn pees in her diaper and fusses.

Anya (frowns): Not again.

Meanwhile, back at the clothing store, the group looks at baby clothes.

Willow: How about this, Buffy?

She holds up a white onesie with a zipper.

Willow: It’s got a zipper in the front to make diaper changes easier.

Buffy: Sure. (smiles)

Tara: Ohh, this is soooo cute, Buffy! Can we get this, please??

She holds up a little mini T-shirt with Spongebob on it.

Buffy (giggles): Sure, Tara. Put it in the cart.

Janice: How about these, Buffy?

She holds up little red shoes.

Buffy (grins): Aww…those are adorable.

She takes them and puts them in the cart.

Once done with their shopping, which is filled with shoes, pants, shirts, and bibs…they put the stuff in the back of the Jeep.

Buffy: Okay…let’s get to the bookstore.

Willow: I hope Anya’s okay….

As Buffy drives down the street.

Buffy: I’m sure she’s fine…

Meanwhile, back at Buffy’s house, Anya is trying to get Dawn to eat her baby food…

Anya: Dawn…c’mon….eat.

Dawn whimpers and moves her head away.

Anya: Eat, please.

She offers her the spoon again and she moves her head away.

Anya (sighs, under her breath): Eat, you ungrateful urchin.

Dawn cries.

Anya: I’m sorry…I’m sorry. Dawnie, please…eat for Auntie Anya…

Dawn fusses.

Anya (sighs, pleading to herself): Where are you, Buffy? Come back…

Meanwhile, in the bookstore, the girls are looking at the childcare books.

Buffy: God, there are so many books here…(reading titles) “Diapers for Dummies”, “Parenting for Dummies”, “Your Baby and You”, “What To Expect: A Guide to the Toddler Years”…I don’t know what we need…

Willow: Buffy, I think you should get books that would help you in your situation with Dawnie. Get “What To Expect”, but get the “Baby” book and the “Toddler” books.

Buffy grabs the two books.

Buffy: Okay. What’re you gettin’, Will?

Willow: “Guide to Magic: Spells, Hexes, and Other Magic Assistance”.

Buffy: I gotta get something for Dawnie, too…

Buffy begins to walk up to a girl.

Buffy: Excuse me? Um…where can I find the…

She recognizes her nametag.

Buffy (smiles, realizes): You’re Mary Jane Watson.

M.J: Yes…? Do I know you?

Buffy: I–I know your husband’s friend…(whispers) Spider-Man.

M.J (smiles): Yeah…I suppose he told you that we’re here on vacation.

Buffy: Yeah he did. (smiles) Um…can you point me toward the children’s books?

M.J: Y…yeah, sure.

She takes her over to them and picks one up, studying it.

Buffy: Is–is everything okay?

M.J (sadly): Y…yeah, everything’s fine. Sorry…(back on track) now what age were you looking for?

Buffy: Around 12 months.

M.J: Well, “Goodnight Moon” is always a favorite with a little one that age.

Buffy: Okay. Any others?

M.J: There’s one that’s called “Pat The Bunny” that’s really cute.

She hands her both books.

M.J: If you wanna come up here, I can…(sighs) (back on track, happily) I can check you out.

Buffy: Thanks.

She goes around to the group.

Buffy: Guys, we’re goin’.

Willow: Okay, Buffy.

The group goes to the checkout and they hand Mary Jane their purchases.

She looks at their books and begins to sniffle.

Buffy: Are…are you okay?

M.J: Y…yeah, f–fine. (smiles, happy again) Know what I’m going to do for you? I’m going to give you my Employee Discount.

Buffy (smiles): That’s so sweet…

Willow (grins): Thank you so much.

Buffy: Um…would you like to…I don’t know…come back home with us? To meet my…daughter?

M.J: Um…I–I don’t know…

Buffy (begging): Please?

M.J (gives in): Okay. I get off in five minutes. Meet me out front.

Buffy (grins): Great!

The group goes outside.

(Time Lapse: 20 minutes)

After driving home, the group walks in.

Buffy: Anya, we’re home!

Dawn (from another room, happily): Mommy!

Buffy runs into the living room, along with Mary Jane following behind.

Anya: Stop squirming, Dawn!

Anya is trying to bottle-feed Dawn, but she fusses and squirms in her lap.

Buffy (giggles): Having fun?

Anya (deadpan): A blast. (sighs, worried) She won’t stop squirming.

M.J (smiles): Do you want me to try?

Anya looks at Mary Jane.

Anya (annoyed): Who are you?

M.J: I’m Mary Jane Watson. I’m a friend of Buffy’s. You look like you’re having some trouble there. Can I give it a shot?

Anya: I dunno. You any good with babies?

Mary Jane walks over to Anya.

M.J: I’ve babysat once or twice.

Anya hands her the bottle and Dawn.

Anya: Give it a shot.

Mary Jane takes Dawn from Anya and holds her expertly.

Anya (disbelieving): Once or twice, huh?

Mary Jane (cooing): Yeah…hello, Dawnie…I’m Mary Jane.

Dawn looks up at Anya and coos.

M.J: Drink your bottle for me…be a good girl…

Mary Jane puts the bottle into Dawn’s mouth who sucks on it eagerly.

Mary Jane (cooing): Such a good girl…you’re so sweet…yeah, you’re such a wittle cutie pie…

She tickles her tummy and Dawn giggles happily.

Buffy (impressed): She’s very good with her.

Willow: Yeah, Buffy…you’re right. She’s extremely good with her.

Janice (unhappy, to herself): She’s even better than me…

Mary Jane puts Dawn over her shoulder and pats her back, and Dawn burps.

Mary Jane feels Dawn’s bottom tenderly.

Mary Jane (cooing): Oooh…someone’s got a wet diaper…(to Buffy) Do you mind if I change her?

Dawn squeals happily.

Buffy (grins): I think Dawnie would like that too.

M.J: Okay. (smiles and coos at Dawn) M.J’s gonna change that diaper, sweetheart. Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you all cleaned up…

She takes her into the nursery and lays her on the changing table.

Dawn coos and gurgles up at M.J as she untapes her diaper.

M.J (coos): You’re a wet one, aren’t you? Yes, you are…yes…yes, yes., yes….

She tickles her tummy and Dawn giggles happily.

Dawn (babbling): Emm-Day!

M.J smiles warmly.

M.J: That’s right, sweetie. M.J.

She tickles her and she giggles.

M.J: And M.J’s gonna get that diaper changed.

She untapes her diaper and, after disposing of it, wipes her bottom with baby wipes and powders her bottom with baby powder tenderly.

M.J: You’re such a cute little munchkin.

She kisses her tummy and Dawn giggles.

She then blows raspberries on her tummy, and Dawn squeals happily with laughter.

Back in the living room…

Anya (pouts): She never did that for me…

Meanwhile, back in the nursery…

M.J takes a new diaper from the changing table and, opening it up and untaping it in one fell swoop, takes her legs in one hand and, lifting her bottom from the table, slips the diaper under her and brings it up through her legs, taping it closed.

She picks her up and nuzzles her against her chest.

M.J: You’re such a good wittle girl…

She disposes of the wet diaper and walks back out to the group.

Buffy: All done?

M.J: Yep. She was one little angel. (smiles) Totally not a problem at all.

Buffy (cooing to Dawn): Good girl!

Dawn: Emm-Day!

Buffy (smiles): That’s so sweet…she knows your name…

M.J (smiles warmly): I just have that effect on her.

Buffy: Would you like to see the house, M.J?

M.J (smiles): Sure! That’d be great!

Buffy leads M.J off.

Willow: I just thought of something.

Faith: What, Red?

Willow: We did that breast-milk spell for Buffy, but we never did it for you.

Willow points her finger at Faith’s breasts.

Willow: Papilla Lactans.

Faith smiles.

Faith: Thanks, Red.

Meanwhile, Mary Jane and Buffy are upstairs.

Buffy: You’re very good with Dawnie.

M.J: Th–thanks…

Buffy: Can I ask you something?

M.J: Yeah?

Buffy: Have you…had one before?

Mary Jane (sighs): No…I–I was close.

Buffy: Do you…wanna…(realizing) I’m sorry, you probably don’t…

M.J: No, no…it’s okay. Well…it started when I told my ex Harry I was engaged to Peter…well, after I got pregnant, I told Harry the news. He wanted to talk to me about something, but I didn’t want to hear it because it was just the same old song and dance. Anyway, after he tried to stop me by grabbing my arm, I pulled too hard and he lost his grip. I fell down the stairs and, thinking I was okay, never gave it a second thought. Then when Peter and I were at the doctor’s office, the doctor said that I’d had a miscarriage and could never have a baby again.

Buffy hugs her.

Buffy: I’m so sorry…

Mary Jane hugs her back.

M.J: Thank you, Buffy…

Buffy (smiles a little): Wanna go back downstairs?

M.J: Sure.

The two walk back downstairs.

Dawn fusses in Tara’s arms.

M.J (smiling): I think she needs a nap. (wondering) Buffy…can I…

Buffy (happily): Of course.

M.J takes Dawn from Tara and takes her into the nursery and lays her into the bassinette.

She places a pacifier into her mouth and watches her fall asleep.

M.J: Sleep tight, little one.

She kisses her forehead and walks back out to the living room.

M.J: She’s okay, I put her down for a nap.

Buffy (smiles): Thanks, Mary Jane.

M.J (grins): Call me M.J.

Buffy: Okay…M.J.

There is a knock on the door.

Buffy: I’ll get it.

She goes to the door.

Buffy: Who is it?

No answer.

Buffy opens the door.

Man: Hi, I’m looking for Mary Jane Watson.

Buffy: Who’s asking for her?

Man: Peter Parker.

Buffy: Oh, come in.

Peter walks in and hugs Mary Jane.

Buffy looks at Peter.

Peter: I’m glad I found you.

Mary Jane: You can always find me, Tiger.

Peter kisses her.

Peter: Can we talk privately, M.J?

Mary Jane: Sure, let’s go upstairs.

The two go upstairs.

Mary Jane: What’s up?

Peter: I’ve been thinking…I don’t know if this is working out.

Mary Jane (confused): What?

Peter: I don’t think it’s working. With me and Spiderman, it’s just too much work…keeping you safe and saving the world at the same time…that’s why I’ve decided to do something to make everything easier on me.

Mary Jane (getting a little scared): Tiger…what’d you have in mind?

Peter walks up to her and…

Wraps his arms around her neck, choking her.

Peter: Next time…never let your husband tell you his deepest…darkest…secret…

With that, Mary Jane slipped into unconsciousness.

Peter then shifts…into The Chameleon.

With that, “Peter” put her into a closet and locked the door, then changed into “Mary Jane”, and walked back downstairs.

“Mary Jane”: Hey, guys.

Willow: Where’d Peter go?

“Mary Jane”: He had to run, he’s got a big story going on. You mind if I take Dawnie out for a walk?

Buffy: No problem, M.J. There’s a stroller in the corner.

She goes into the nursery and takes Dawn out of the bassinette.

Dawn wails in her arms through the pacifier.

“Mary Jane”: Shh, shh…sweetie…it’s okay…shh…M.J’s here…

She puts Dawn in the stroller and, as she cries, wheels her out.

“Mary Jane” looks back at the group.

“Mary Jane”: She’s probably just fussy because she’s cooped up in here. I’m just gonna walk her around outside for a bit.

Buffy: No problem. (smiles) Bye, Dawnie! Mommy loves you!

She takes her outside and closes the door.

Buffy: I hope everything’s okay with M.J and Dawnie.

Willow: I’m sure they’re okay, Buff. Did you see M.J with Dawnie? She was so good with her…and she took to her immediately.

Buffy: You’re right. I’m just worrying over nothing…

There is whimpering and moaning from upstairs.

Buffy (worried): What’s that?!

The gang rushes upstairs.

They open the closet to find Mary Jane tied up and gagged.

Buffy: Oh my God!

They untie her and take out the gag.

Buffy: Who did this to you?!

Mary Jane: It–it was The Chameleon…

Buffy: Who…(realizes) Wait…then that means…(upset) Oh my God…

Mary Jane: We–we have to find him before…

Buffy: Don’t say it! I don’t even wanna hear it! (sighs) We have to find her and we have to find her now!

Faith and Buffy run out at lightning top speeds.

They reach the outside, but cannot see a trace of The Chameleon/Mary Jane nor Dawnie.

Buffy (near tears): Dawnie…

Faith hugs her.

Faith (also near tears): Don’t worry, B…we’ll get her…


“Mary Jane” wheels her down the street.

“Mary Jane”: I have what you want.

Voice: Excellent work, Chameleon.

The figure walks out from the shadows.

Lindsey McDonald: Excellent work.



Tobey Maguire as Spider-Man/Peter Parker
Amber Tamblyn as Janice
Kirsten Dunst as Mary-Jane Watson
Christian Kane as Lindsey McDonald

NOTE: Kirsten Dunst crosses over as her “Spider-Man” character Mary Jane Watson.

NOTE 2: Christian Kane crosses over as his “Angel” character Lindsay McDonald.

Two Lawyers And A Baby Print
Meanwhile, back at Buffy’s house, the group is sitting around, worried out of their minds about Dawn.

Faith: I swear, B…I never would’ve let her take Dawn if I knew that she was going to pull a stunt like this.

Willow: You heard M.J, though, Faith…it wasn’t really her. We’ve got to find this…Chameleon person, or at least who he’s working for, and get Dawn back.

Buffy stands up, angered.

Buffy: I–I can’t just sit here…I–I have to go out and find her.

Faith goes after her.

Faith: B, wait!

Buffy turns back to face her.

Buffy: What?!

Faith (sighs deeply): Look…none of this is gonna work if you go all vigilante-style, tryin’ to find the guy that took Dawn. That won’t solve anything. We should at least sit here and come up with a plan to find her before we go charging off like John Wayne or somethin’.

Buffy: Faith, look…fine. You can sit here and you can come up with a plan, but I’m going after my daughter. You got me?!

Faith (sighs deeply): I gotcha, Buffy.

She walks out of the house, slamming the door.

Faith looks at Willow.

Faith: So what’re we gonna do about this?

Willow: Well, I could try to track Dawn the way I tracked Janice.

Faith: Good, do it. I’m goin’ after the enraged mother.

She starts to leave.

Willow (calling after her): Faith, wait!

But the door’s already closed.

Cut to:

Lilah and Lindsey are sitting in two office-type chairs and Dawn is playing in a box.

Lindsey (smirks): Why couldn’t you have just bought a real playpen?

Lilah: We’ve taken the sister of the Slayer. Do you want to explain that to Linwood when he comes back from vacation and sees all this baby stuff lyin’ around? Besides, the bag the Chameleon gave us has more than enough stuff in it.

Lindsey: Well, you better hope that’s true, Lilah. I’d hate to get caught downstairs at the Wolfram and Hart Pharmacy buyin’ diaper rash cream.

Lilah: Wouldn’t you just love to explain that to Linwood?

Lindsey stands up.

Lindsey (raises voice): No, I wouldn’t! Because if we have to tell Linwood what we did behind his back, he’d fire us faster than Krusty fired Luke Perry out of a cannon.

Lilah raises an eyebrow to Lindsey.

Lilah (disbelieving): A “Simpsons” reference?

Lindsey (in shame): It was on late lastnight. It got stuck in my head.

Lilah (smirks): Uh-huh.

Dawn fusses and cries in the box.

Dawn: Mommy! Emm-Day!

Lilah (chuckles): M-Day? What the Hell’s that mean?

Lindsey: Lilah, watch your mouth in front of the kid, huh?

Lilah gives Lindsey a dirty look.

Dawn continues to cry.

Lindsey sits back and looks at Lilah.

Lilah (can’t believe it): What?!

Lindsey: She’s cryin’. You ought to go help her.

Lilah: Why me? You’re the one who kidnapped her!

Lindsey: Yeah, well, you’re the woman. She’d feel more comfortable with you.

Lilah (sighs): Y’know, McDonald, sometimes I really, really hate you…

She starts to walk over to Dawn.

She kneels down and picks her up, patting her back.

Lindsey: You’re doing it wrong.

Lilah (annoyed tone): I am not. Now shut up and let –

Dawn throws up on Lilah’s suit and giggles.

Lindsey (smirks): Told ya you were doin’ it wrong.

Lilah looks at Dawn.

Lilah: You little bitch! Do you know how much this suit costs?!

Lindsey (answering for Dawn): About as much as your self-esteem? Your dignity? Your self-respect?

Lilah: Shut it, Lindsey.

She takes Dawn back over to the box and drops her into it.

Dawn hits her butt hard on the floor from the force of the impact and begins to wail.

Lindsey gets up and walks over, picking up Dawn.

Lindsey: Nice move, Lilah. You hurt her. If she goes back with so much as a scratch on her cheek, the Slayer’ll have our heads. (to Dawn, softly so Lilah can’t hear) You okay, little one?

Dawn smiles at Lindsey.

He sets her back down, gently, into the box.

He looks at Lilah.

Lindsey: You got no experience with children, Lilah.

He walks over to his chair and sits down.

Lindsey (pompously): Which is why this is going to be so much fun to watch.

Lilah looks over at Dawn.

Lilah (frightened): No…please don’t…please….

We see Dawn’s face is getting red.

Lilah (still frightened): Please…please don’t…please!

With that, Dawn poops in her diaper.

Lilah (groans): Oh, crap.

Lindsey: Told you. And by the smell of things, that’s exactly what you’re gonna have to deal with.

Lilah groans and takes Dawn out of the box and lays her on the table.

Meanwhile, on the streets of Sunnydale, Buffy is running down almost every street trying to find a clue to Dawnie’s whereabouts.

Faith runs up alongside her.

Faith: B! You’re a hard one to catch up to, y’know that?

Buffy: Get away from me, Faith. This isn’t your fight.

Faith grabs Buffy’s arms with all her strength and turns Buffy to face her.

Faith (angry): That’s where you’re wrong! Dawn is my daughter too, and, even though we’re not related by blood like you two are, you still said I could be her mother! And…and (teary-eyed) these past few weeks…have just…been incredible, B. I’ve nev…never had a father, or a sister…or even a pet that loved me back. You guys are the first family I’ve ever really had…I consider Dawn just as much my daughter as she is to you…and I want to help you find her.

Buffy looks into Faith’s eyes to test for insincerity, but finds none.

She smiles and hugs her.

Buffy (happy): Oh, Faith!

Faith: I love you, Buffy.

Buffy: I love you too, Faith. Now wha’d’ya say we go and get Dawnie back?

Faith: I’m all for it…Mom.

Buffy smiles and, with that being said, the two girls run off to look for her.

Meanwhile at the Magic Box, Giles and Angel are still there.

Angel: I can’t do this! I can’t just stand around here waiting!

Giles (sarcastic): You’ve been here for the past week, you’re obviously doing something wrong.

Angel: Really don’t need the sarcasm right now, Giles.

He starts to walk out.

Angel (determined): I gotta go find Buffy.

He opens the door, walks out of the Magic Box, and slams it.

Meanwhile, back at Buffy’s house, the gang is still sitting around, worried about the whereabouts of Dawn, Faith, and Buffy.

But this time they’re joined by Mary Jane’s friend, Spider-Man…who’s hanging from the ceiling.

Mary Jane: I can’t believe I was fooled by The Chameleon!

Spider-Man: Take it easy, Mary Jane. Without his imaging device, he can fool anyone.

Mary Jane: Still…(sadly) I shouldn’t have known it wasn’t Peter. He’d never say those awful things to me…

Spider-Man (wondering): What things?

Mary Jane (brushing him off): It’s private…

Spider-Man drops down from the ceiling, landing on his feet.

Spider-Man: We have to find Dawn and we have to find her now. Willow, did you get anywhere with that tracking spell?

Willow: Nope. I tried to track her body heat, but it’s like wherever she is…is totally off my radar.

Spider-Man: So she’s got to be in a building lined with lead, since the only type of material that blocks heat signatures is lead.

Willow (curious): How’d you know that?

Spider-Man: A friend of mine from Metropolis told me.

Willow: So she’s in a lead-lined building…

She goes to her laptop and types.

Tara: What’re you doing?

Willow (concentrating): I’m pulling up schematics of all the lead-lined buildings in Sunnydale, California. There’s…oh, man…

Tara: What? What is it?

Willow: There’s 273.

Tara: I–I guess there’s no way to narrow it down…?

Willow: Not without goin’ to every buildin’, knockin’ on their door and sayin’, “Excuse me, we’re looking for a little baby that was kidnapped by someone who looked just like our friend, but wasn’t. Have you seen her?”

Tara (frowns): I see your point.

Willow: I just wish we had another way.

Spider-Man: Y’know…we just might.

He webs out of Buffy’s house and down the street.

Anya: Where’s he goin’?

Mary Jane: I think I know.

Meanwhile…with Spider-Man…

Spider-Man: I really need your help…I wouldn’t ask except I’m desperate. Please…can you help my friends?

The man turns to Spider-Man and smiles.

Man: I’ll try my best.

He shakes Spider-Man’s hand.

Spider-Man: Thank you.

Meanwhile, back at Wolfram and Hart, Lilah is still trying to change Dawn’s dirty diaper, which is unfortunately no easy task for our illustrious lawyer since the fussy toddler continues to squirm and move around constantly.

Lilah: Hold still, God damn it!

Lindsey: Lilah, why don’t you just give her a toy or somethin’? Then she’ll probably calm down.

Lilah: Why don’t you just shut up?

Lindsey (sighs): Fine. Fine, fine. (whispers) Go ahead and fail.

Lilah untapes Dawn’s dirty diaper.

Lilah (groans): This is disgusting…how can anyone deal with this??

She takes her legs in her hand and, taking a baby wipe from the bag, wipes Dawn’s bottom.

She takes the baby powder and powders Dawn’s bottom as well.

She takes a new diaper from the package and, opening it and slipping it through Dawn’s legs, tries to get it taped, but it won’t, so it’s left open.

She goes to her desk and takes out a roll of masking tape.

Lindsey (smirks): I didn’t know you knew how to change a diaper.

Lilah looks at Lindsey, taking her eyes off Dawn.

Lilah: Why can’t you just shut your mouth, you little piece of s–(screams in surprise)

We see that Dawn has urinated on Lilah’s shirt.

Lindsey (snickers): Oh my God.

Lilah: What’re you laughing at?!

Lindsey (laughs): N–nothing…(clears throat) Sorry. (cracks up laughing again)

Lilah looks down at Dawn.

Lilah: I know you can’t understand me, but read my lips…I…HATE…YOU.

Dawn giggles and claps her hands.

Lilah (exhales sharply): Oh, shut up.

Meanwhile, back at Buffy’s house, the group is still waiting for Spider-Man to return.

There is a knock on the door.

Mary Jane goes to the door and opens it.

Mary Jane (surprised): Peter…what’re you doing here?

Peter: I was walking down the street, figured I hadn’t seen you since yesterday…thought maybe you’d wanna get a bite to eat.

Mary Jane: Peter…I don’t know…I’m kind of having a little problem here.

Peter walks in.

Peter: What’s going on?

Willow (worried): Someone kidnapped Buffy’s daughter.

Peter: Oh my God…that’s horrible…is–is there anything I can do?

Willow: Actually, yeah there is…

Peter: What? I’ll do anything.

Willow: Can you get in touch with Spider-Man?

Peter: I can try…but I can’t promise anything.

Willow (smiles, grateful): Thank you, Peter.

Peter: Don’t mention it.

He leaves the house.

Spider-Man and the man he’s found for the group return through the upper window.

Tara: What was that?

Willow: I think Spider-Man’s back.

Spider-Man and his mystery guest come downstairs.

Spider-Man: Hey. We’re back.

Tara: Oh my God…is that…

Spider-Man: Yep. (smiles) Guys…say ‘hi’ to Daredevil.

The group exchanges their helloes.

Spider-Man: He can see heat signatures…he can really help us find Dawn.

Tara: How…how can you see heat signatures?

Daredevil: Long story short, because of an accident I had, I found that not only was I blind, but all my other senses were heightened, and it also allowed me to sense the heat signatures and heartbeats of my enemies.

Tara (impressed): Wow. That’s cool.

There is a knock on the door.

Willow goes over to the door and opens it.

Willow (surprised): Angel…

Angel moves past Willow to get inside.

Angel: Where’s Buffy?

Willow: We’re trying to find her…

Angel looks at Spider-Man and Daredevil.

Angel: Are these two…

Willow (smiles a little): Spider-Man and Daredevil.

Angel (disbelieving): Uh-huh…

Willow: What’s up, Angel?

Angel: I’m lookin’ for Buffy.

Willow: She’s gone. So is Faith and Dawn.

Angel: We’ve got to find them… (vamps out) and we’ve got to find them now.

Spider-Man (thinking, impressed): Wow! I really wish I could do that.

Meanwhile, back at Wolfram and Hart, Dawn is wailing constantly.

Lindsey: Lilah, can’t you get her to shut up?!

Lilah: I’ve tried everything! I’ve changed her, burped her…

Lindsey: Well, maybe she needs to be fed…ever think of that, genius??

Lilah: Obviously not!

She takes the baby food from the diaper bag and, taking a little spoon, she tries to shove it into Dawn’s mouth.

Dawn coughs and spits the food in her face.

Lilah: You little pr…

Lindsey (warning): Lilah…

Lilah: Screw you, Lindsey! I can’t do this! We…we gotta give her back…

Lindsey: No! We can’t! This is my only hold over the Slayer!

Lilah (whining tone): Then you’ll just have to find some other way to get the Slayer here! I can’t deal with this, Lindsey! She’s spitting up, she’s puking, she’s pissing, she’s crapping…why the Hell would anyone want one of these things anyway?

Lindsey looks at Lilah.

Lindsey: Because they eventually turn out like you and me.

Lilah: You mean, soulless, evil, and dominant for power?

Lindsey: No, Lilah! I mean they eventually turn into people! Real people that can have a place in society. But for now…they start out like this. And parents think that if they have to deal with dirty and wet diapers for a year or two, then it’s all worth it to see what their child becomes down the road.

Lilah: You’re pathetic, Lindsey.

She storms out.

Lilah: I’m goin’ to change my clothes.

Someone walks up behind him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Voice: She doesn’t love you. She doesn’t care about you like I do.

Lindsey hears the voice and turns to face the figure.

Darla: Lindsey.

Meanwhile, on the streets of Sunnydale, Buffy and Faith are still walking.

Buffy: I can’t believe someone was cold and heartless enough to take my DAUGHTER from me! I’ll rip them limb from limb!!!

Faith: Whoa, whoa…take it easy, B…

Buffy (chuckles sarcastically): “Take it easy”? (yelling) “TAKE IT EASY”?! FAITH, SOMEONE HAS KIDNAPPED OUR DAUGHTER!!! SOMEONE HAS STOLEN HER RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER OUR NOSES!!! I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I FIND THEM…(lowers voice, evilly) And make them pay…

She storms off ahead of Faith, who starts to run after her.

Faith: B! B, wait!!!

But Buffy was too fast for Faith and has disappeared into the night.

Faith (sighs): Great move, Faith. Great move.

Meanwhile, back at Buffy’s house, the group is gathered and are getting ready to leave.

Willow: You guys got everything?

Angel: Yep.

Tara: Gotcha.

Spider-Man: Yep.

Daredevil: Uh-huh.

Willow: Then let’s go. Anya, Janice, M.J: you three stay here in case Buffy or Faith come back.

Anya: Why do we have to stay here?!

Willow (dumbfounded): I just told you that.

Anya: I meant why do I have to stay here?!

Willow: Because the streets aren’t safe for you at night.

Anya (scoffs): “Safe”…I was a vengeance demon. We LAUGHED at safe.

Willow: Well, you’re human now, so start getting used to the idea of being safe.

The group leaves.

Anya sits back on the couch.

Anya (pouts): This sucks. (looking at the girls, grinning) Who wants to help me practice my baby-care skills?

Mary Jane and Janice get frightened looks on their faces.

Anya gets up and goes over to the changing table, then comes back…with a diaper and powder in her hand.

Anya: M.J…you look about Dawn’s size…come 'ere…

She begins walking toward her.

Mary Jane looks at Janice.

Mary Jane (mouthing): Help me…

Meanwhile, back at Wolfram and Hart…

Lindsey (in shock): D…Darla?

Darla: Yes…I’ve come back for you, my love.

Lindsey gets up and hugs her.

Lindsey (smiles): I…I can’t believe it.

Darla smiles and vamps out.

Lindsey (happily): I’ve missed that…

Darla: And I’ve missed this…

She leans in to begin kissing his neck.

She silently vamps out and begins biting him.

Darla: Now we’ll be together forever…

Lindsey (screams): No!!!

As he wakes up with a start:

Lindsey (shocked): No!

Lilah: Shut up, you ungrateful puke!

Lindsey focuses his eyes to see Lilah changing Dawn’s dirty diaper.

Lindsey (to himself): It was just a dream…

Lilah (to Lindsey, dumbfounded): What?! Will you shut up and help me?!

Lindsey sits back in his chair.

Lindsey: Sure.

He grins.

Lindsey: Wipe front to back.

He chuckles to himself then falls back asleep.

Meanwhile, Spider-Man and Daredevil are swinging through the air with the rest of the group trying to keep up on foot.

Willow (panting): Remind me to ask Spider-Man how he makes that webbing stuff.

Tara (panting): I…don’t think…they’re made. I…think they’re just…organic.

Daredevil and Spider-Man stop outside of a building.

Daredevil: This is the building. I can sense it.

Spider-Man looks up at the building.

Spider-Man: Wolfram and Hart? The law firm from L.A.?

Daredevil: Oh, they’ve got law firms all over the place.

Spider-Man: Let’s go inside then.

Daredevil: Wait.

Spider-Man: For what? Everything’s safe.

Daredevil: For now. I’d still like to let their friends know where we are.

Buffy sees Spider-Man in the distance and runs up to him, with Faith following close behind.

Buffy: Spider-Man!

She looks at Daredevil.

Buffy: Hi.

Daredevil: There’s no time for pleasantries. I know your daughter is in there but we must move stealthily.

As Buffy pushes past the two:

Buffy: Forget it!

Faith walks up to Daredevil and smiles a little.

Faith: If you knew B…you wouldn’t have said anything about stealth concerning her daughter.

She rushes after her.

Meanwhile, inside Wolfram and Hart, Buffy and Faith go up to the desk and grab the receptionist.

Buffy (angry): WHERE’S MY DAUGHTER?!

Receptionist (flustered): I–I don’t know what you’re talking about…

Buffy (angry): YOU’RE LYING! WHERE IS SHE?!!?!

Receptionist: Wh–what’s your name?!

Buffy (furious): YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO I AM!!!

She begins choking the receptionist.

Buffy leans in to her ear.

Buffy (whispers evilly): I’m Buffy…The Vampire Slayer…

Receptionist (choking): She–she’s upstairs! Room 520!

Buffy lets go of her and looks at her.

Buffy (politely): Thank you.

The group runs inside.

Willow: Buffy!

Buffy: Room 520! Let’s go!

They run off.

Shortly later, Buffy kicks open the door.

Lindsey stands up.

Lindsey: What’re you doing here?!

As Buffy menacingly walks toward Lindsey:

Buffy (evilly): A friend brought me here…

She grabs his neck, lifting him up.

Buffy: Now WHERE…IS…MY…

As she throws him into the bookshelf:


All of a sudden…

Dawn: Mommy!

Buffy’s eyes go wide and she turns around to find her daughter on the table, wrapped in a crudely fashioned disposable diaper and wearing a small paper bag as a T-shirt.

Buffy: Ohhh…

She rushes over to her and hugs her tightly.

Buffy: Oh, sweetheart…oh, Mommy missed you so much….

She kisses Dawn many, many times.

Dawn giggles and hugs her mother, wrapping her arms around her neck.

Buffy looks past Dawn to the rest of the group.

Buffy: Let’s get out of here.

They start to walk out of the office, but Darla steps in front.

Darla: I don’t think so, Slayer.

Buffy grips Darla’s neck and throws her across the room, right next to Lindsey.

As the group walks out of the building and back to the house:

Buffy: She should never have gotten in a parent’s way.

Willow: Amen to that.

The group finally gets home and walks inside.

Buffy: Oh my God…

They see Mary Jane and Janice wearing Pampers Size 6 diapers and both have pacifiers in their mouths.

Buffy: What the…

Anya walks out to greet the group.

Anya: Hi, all! I just thought I’d take my opportunity to brush up on my child-care skills…since…well, since the last one didn’t go all that well, and…it’d be good practice for when Xander and I have babies someday.

Buffy: Anya, I don’t have time for this. Get those diapers off of M.J and Janice and put those pacifiers by the sink. (sighs) We’ve got more important things to worry about.

We cut to a place that looks like a standard villain fortress.

There is a man sitting in a business chair, but its back is turned to us.

Man: That’s right, Mrs. Summers…you’ve definitely got things to worry about…

The man swivels around.

We see his face.

The Kingpin: More than you think.



Eliza Dushku as Faith
Christian Kane as Lindsay McDonald
Stephanie Romanov as Lilah Morgan
Kirsten Dunst as Mary-Jane Watson
Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker/Spider-Man
Ben Affleck as Matt Murdoch/Daredevil
David Boreanaz as Angel
Julie Benz as Darla
Laura Innes as the Receptionist
Michael Clarke Duncan as The Kingpin

NOTE: Ben Affleck crosses over as his “Daredevil” character Matt Murdoch/Daredevil.

NOTE 2: Stephanie Romanov crosses over as her “Angel” character Lilah Morgan.

NOTE 3: Christian Kane crosses over as his “Angel” character Lindsey McDonald.

NOTE 4: Michael Clarke Duncan crosses over as his “Daredevil” character The Kingpin.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Adventures in Scooby Sitting

Passing The Torch Print

Mary Jane is sitting on the couch, holding Dawn in her lap.

Janice is sitting next to her, tickling Dawn’s tummy.

Willow is sitting next to Janice, using her laptop.

Anya is sitting in a chair, looking bored.

Buffy: I need to get everyone here.

Anya: Everyone is here.

Buffy: I mean EVERYONE…

She goes to the phone and dials a number.

Gunn: Angel Investigations, what’chu want?

Fred (smiles, playful): Charles, what did I tell you…?

Gunn (sighs): Angel Investigations…we help the hopeless. (quickly) Now what’chu want?

Buffy: Um…Is Wesley there?

Gunn: Don’t know. (calls to her) Fred!

Fred: Yep?

Gunn: Where’s Wes?

Fred: He went out!

Wesley walks through the door.

Wesley: Hello, all. Any calls, Gunn?

Gunn: One chick on the phone right now.

He hands him the phone.

Wesley: Wesley Wyndym-Price.

Buffy: Wesley?

Wesley (surprised): Buffy?

Buffy: Yeah. Can you get everyone down here?

Wesley (confused): I don’t see why not. But…may I ask for what?

Buffy: It’s…it’s a long story. Please, just tell me that you can do this for me.

Wesley (sighs deeply): All right, Buffy.

Buffy: Thank you.

Wesley: We’ll be there soon.

Buffy: Thanks.

She hangs up.

Wesley looks at Gunn and Fred.

Wesley: I need you two to go outside, get the car ready, and don’t ask any questions.

Fred: Wesley, what–

Wesley: Please, Fred…just follow my instructions.

Fred: O–okay…

Wesley: Thank you.

Fred and Gunn go out to the car.

Wesley (sighs): Okay. I hope this is worth it, Buffy.

He walks out to the car and gets in.

(Time Lapse: 2 hours)
The gang walks up to Buffy’s house and knocks on the door.

Buffy opens the door to greet the Angel crew.

Buffy: Hey, guys. Come on in.

Angel: Buffy, this is Charles Gunn and Winifred Burkle.

Buffy (smiles): Hi. Let me introduce you to everyone else. This is Xander Harris, Rupert Giles, Mary Jane Watson, Peter Parker, Willow Rosenberg, Tara Mclay, Janice Whitman, and Faith Lehane.

Gunn: Wussup?

Fred (smiles warmly): Hey, y’all.

Dawn fusses in Tara’s arms.

Fred walks over to Tara.

Fred (smiles): Who’s this little cutie?

Buffy: This is Dawn. (smiles warmly) My daughter.

Faith walks up next to Buffy and kisses her.

Faith: Our daughter.

Fred: She’s just so adorable…can I hold her?

Buffy (smiles): Sure.

Fred takes Dawn from Tara and holds her in her arms.

Fred (cooing): You’re an adorable little cutie, aren’t you, little one? Yes, you are…

She tickles Dawn’s tummy and Dawn squeals with laughter.

Fred: She’s such an adorable little thing, Buffy.

Buffy (smiles): Yeah, she’s certainly special.

Fred (sniffs): But it smells like someone’s got a little problem. (smiles)

Buffy (cooing): Did you make a poopy in your diapie, Dawnie-Dawn? Did’ya? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Fred (cooing): You’re such a good girl, Dawn…such a good girl…

Buffy: Would you want to change her, Winifred?

Fred: Y’all can call me Fred, and sure…if you guys don’t mind.

Buffy: Not at all. Her nursery is in that room over there.

Fred: Thanks. We’ll be out in a bit. (cooing) C’mon, little one…let’s go get you dry…

She takes her into the nursery and lays her on the changing table.

Dawn coos and gurgles up at Fred.

Fred: You’re such an adorable little one, you know that?

She tickles her tummy and Dawn giggles happily.

Fred: Now let’s get that stinky diaper off you, huh? You probably don’t like bein’ all dirty, don’cha? I know the feelin’, sweetie.

Fred takes Dawn’s shirt and pants off and untapes her diaper.

Fred: See…I never told anyone this, but…(whispers) I wear diapers, too. See, back when I was younger, my grandfather died and I startin’ wettin’ the bed. So then my mom and dad put me in night-time diapers. It was humiliatin’ at first, but then I grew to like it. I never wear 'em around Angel and the gang…only at home. I guess…maybe that’s only ‘cause home’s where I really felt I could be myself. Know what I’m sayin’, sweetheart?

She tickles Dawn’s tummy and disposes of Dawn’s dirty diaper in the diaper pail.

Fred (smiles, cooing): You’re such a good little munchkin. Yes, you are…

She blows raspberries on her tummy and Dawn squeals with delight.

Fred (cooing): But we gotta get this diaper change finished, little one, otherwise your mommy might freak. (giggles)

Fred takes her legs in one hand, wiping her bottom the other.

Then Fred takes the baby powder and powders Dawn’s bottom with the hand she used to wipe her bottom, cooing at her as she performs it.

She lets go of her legs and, taking a diaper from the table, opens it and untapes it in one motion.

Fred: We’re gonna get you all cleaned up, Dawnie. Don’t worry.

Dawn giggles and coos.

Fred takes Dawn’s legs and, spreading her legs apart and lifting her bottom from the changing table, slips the diaper underneath Dawn’s bottom and slips it through her legs.

She lets go of the diaper and, before Dawn can start to freely kick again, rushes and tapes the diaper tightly around her waist.

Fred picks her up and holds her in her arms.

Fred: You were such a good girl, Dawnie…Auntie Fred’s got a treat for you.

She hands her a lollypop.

Dawn (giggles): Wowwy-Pop!

Fred (giggles): That’s right, cutie-pie.

She kisses her forehead.

Fred (cooing): Wha’d’ya say we go back out, huh?

As she walks out with Dawn, she throws her up in the air, with Dawn laughing and giggling.

Buffy goes over to Dawn and kisses her.

Buffy: Hey, sweetie-pie. (smiles, to Fred) How was she?

Fred: She was an absolute angel. The only other one that’s ever stayed still for me was a neighborhood boy I used to baby-sit.

Buffy (cooing): She’s such a good girl…that’s right, Dawnie…you are…you’re my wittle girl…

She tickles and kisses Dawn, who giggles and laughs happily.

Buffy: But I gotta put her down for a…(whispers) nap…

Dawn cries and fusses.

Buffy takes Dawn to the nursery and lays her in the bassinette, with her fussing.

Faith walks in.

Faith: B?

Buffy turns to Faith.

Buffy: Yeah?

Faith: Um…do you think I could…

Buffy: Did you want to feed her?

Faith (smiles): Is that okay?

Buffy: I don’t see why not…

She takes Dawn out of the bassinette and hands her over to Faith.

Faith undoes her shirt and takes off her bra.

She begins to breast-feed Dawn.

Faith (smiles): She’s such an adorable little angel…

Buffy sits down next to Faith.

Buffy (smiles): Got that right.

Dawn continues sucking on Faith’s breast.

Buffy (a little hesitant): F…Faith?

Faith looks at Buffy.

Faith: Yeah, B?

Buffy: I have to tell you something.

Faith: What?

Buffy (sighs): This isn’t easy…

Faith: Those who only think something isn’t easy haven’t tried it yet.

Buffy looks at Faith, confused.

Faith: Ex-cons shouldn’t offer sage advice. Whatever. I’m throwin’ ya bull.

Buffy turned her head to look at the embarrassed Bostonian.

Buffy: Doesn’t sound like it.

When Faith didn’t get the jibe she was expecting, she wandered into territory that hadn’t been tread for quite a while, not knowing what the hell she was doing.

Faith: Sometimes tiltin’, uh, has an upside, though. Actually did for me once, then I–

Buffy: Faith, we weren’t ready.

Thankfully one of them had the guts to start this.

Buffy: But I didn’t ever…

She had to get it out.

Buffy: I’m glad it happened. (slight blush) Everything after? That’s the stuff I wanna forget.

Faith: Only time I wasn’t itchin’ to move. And when I didn’t want you gone? Damn, that weirded me out.

Faith was still processing the fact that Buffy didn’t see their one night as a shameful, low point.

Buffy: I could tell. (sighs) Wasn’t like I was any better at handling it, either. The ‘girl’ thing was new, and I’d technically just cheated on my boyfriend who I was in serious denial over, and what we did was…(blushing) being the best sex I’ve ever had didn’t exactly help. Then we just, left it hanging.

Faith: I’m the one who can dish out bull here, B; busted my ass for the title, so–

Buffy: Great, cause I don’t wanna compete for it. I’d lose by a wide margin.

Grinning, Buffy stood up.

Buffy: I wouldn’t lie about this – really was.

Faith (not cocky): Why?

Buffy: Because…because it was. Angel was my first and I loved him, so at the time it was nice, but most of it was him trying not to hurt me. Did anyway. Then I met Angelus, who made sure any good memories were destroyed." She exhaled during a pause. "Parker knew what he was doing, but that just wasn’t…enough. Plus, he was an asshole. Same thing with Riley – well, not the ‘asshole’ part. I kept waiting to fall for him like I had with Angel, only…never happened. The sex wasn’t as ‘Cloud Nine-ish’ as it coulda been. Um, except maybe that time we were possessed. We went all–

Faith clears her throat and points down at Dawn.

Faith: Leaves ‘Bachelor Vamp #2.’ And you had to be spikin’ like jackrabbits. Bet with the strength and the stamina, musta been intense."

Buffy: We did. It was. I used him to feel something, anything; I couldn’t, though. No matter how har…m-much I tried. Disgust came later. (grimacing, morphing into a slow smile) With you, I dunno, everything felt…right. Incredible even, and I was scared.

Faith: Yeah.

Dawn fusses and whimpers around Faith’s breast.

Faith (smiles down at Dawn): I think this little one’s finished.

She puts her over her shoulder and pats her back.

Dawn lets out a loud, monster-like belch.

Buffy (giggles): Attagirl, Dawnie!

Faith (smiles and kisses her): You’re such a little burpin’ machine, kid!

Dawn giggles.

Buffy (smiles): I’ll be in the living room, Faith. I need you to, as soon as you’re dressed, meet me there. I’ve got something I need to do…and I need everyone to be there.

Faith (unsure): Got it, B.

Buffy gets up from the bed and, before kissing Dawn’s forehead, walks out into the living room.

Faith gets dressed and walks out, holding Dawn in her arms.

Buffy: Now…I’ve got to tell you guys something. I feel that…after having Dawn…I…I can’t handle being the Slayer and being a parent at the same time. It was different when it was just me…I didn’t have to worry about, if I died on the job, leaving anyone behind. But now that I’ve had Dawn, I think that I should choose a successor.

Angel: Buffy…are you sure?

Buffy: Yes, Angel. I have to. See, for those of you who don’t know…I was the first Slayer of my generation. Then after I’d died, Xander here brought me back to life. (smiles) Which I’ll never forget, by the way.

Xander (smiles, blushes): It’s what I do.

Buffy: After I’d died and was brought back…Kendra was called in my place, but they didn’t know that I had been resurrected.

Xander (explaining to those who don’t know): Which explains why there were two at once.

Fred (nods, understanding): Wow.

Buffy: But before Kendra had died, she’d given me her lucky stake. Which she’d named…Mister Pointy. Now…

She goes over to Faith and takes her hands, looking into her eyes.

Buffy: Now I’m giving it to you.

Faith (surprised): Y…you’re giving me…your lucky stake? But, B…

Buffy (tenderly): Faith, after I died the second time, there was a reason that no Slayer was brought back…because you’re the true Slayer. Ever since Kendra died, you always had been. I just…never wanted to believe it…until now.

Faith: Wh…what changed?

Buffy (tenderly, sweetly): I love you.

She hands her the stake.

Buffy: I love you, Faith…forever and always.




J. August Richards as Charles Gunn
Amy Acker as Winifred “Fred” Burkle
Alexis Denisof as Wesley Wyndym-Price
Eliza Dushku as Faith
David Boreanaz as Angel

NOTE: J. August Richards crosses over as his “Angel” character Charles Gunn.

NOTE 2: Amy Acker crosses over as her “Angel” character Winifred ‘Fred’ Burkle.

A Possible New Relationship Print

Willow (smiles warmly): I knew it was only just a matter of time before those two kids got together.

Faith (smiles): I…I love you too, Buffy.

They kiss and everyone cheers.

Dawn cries.

Tara goes over and takes Dawn from Faith, bouncing her in her arms.

Tara (concerned): What’s wrong, sweetheart?

Dawn continues to cry.

Buffy looks over at Tara, walking over to Dawn.

Buffy (concerned): She probably just got startled 'cause of the noises.

She takes Dawn from Tara, holding her in her arms.

Buffy (cooing): Yeah…it’s okay, sweetie. The loud noises are done now…yeah…such a good girl…

She holds her close to her chest.

Dawn whimpers in Buffy’s arms.

Willow (whispers): I think it’s time for Dawnie’s…(spelling it out) N-A-P.

Buffy: Yeah, I think you’re right, Will. (smiles) C’mon, Dawnie…here we go…

Dawn begins to fuss and cry.

Buffy (cooing): Yeah, I know…I know, sweetie…but you had a big day…c’mon…

Faith: Want some assistance, B?

Buffy: Sure, Faith.

She takes her into the bedroom and lays her down in the crib as Dawn continues to cry.

Faith puts the covers over Dawn, but not enough to suffocate her.

Faith (gently): There ya go, sweetie.

Dawn fusses and whimpers.

Buffy: Yeah, sweetheart…it’s okay…just lay down…and close those eyes…

Faith sighs and looks at Buffy.

Faith: You know what we have to do, don’cha, B?

Buffy (sighs): I don’t want to, though…

Faith: You’re amazing, Buffy. Don’t sell yourself short.

Buffy (sighs deeply): Fine, let’s do it. (counting them off) 1, 2, 3.

Buffy (singing in harmony): Every single night, the same arrangement/I go out and fight the fight

Faith (singing in harmony): Still I always feel this strange estrangement/Nothing here is real, nothing here is right

Buffy/Faith (singing): We’ve been making shows of trading blows/Just hoping no one knows/That we’ve been going through the motions/Walking through the part/

Faith (singing): Nothing seems to penetrate my

Buffy (singing sweetly): heart

Buffy (singing): I was always brave and kind of righteous

Faith (singing): Now I find I’m wavering

Buffy (singing): Crawl out of your grave

Faith (singing): You find this fight just doesn’t mean a thing

Spike sticks his head in.

Spike (singing): She ain’t got that swing

Buffy shoots him a dirty look.

Buffy (singing): Thanks for noticing

Spike (singing): She does pretty well with fiends from Hell

Xander sticks his head in as well.

Spike/Xander (singing): But lately we can tell/That she’s just going through the motions/Faking it somehow

Spike (singing): She’s not even half the girl she–

Buffy punches him.

Spike (singing): Oww!

Buffy (singing): Will I stay this way forever?

Faith (singing): Sleepwalk through my life’s endeavor?

Xander (singing): How can I repay-

Faith (singing): Whatever.

Buffy (singing): I don’t wanna

Buffy/Faith (singing): be

Buffy (singing): Going through the motions

Faith (singing): Losing all my drive

Buffy (singing): I can’t even see

Faith (singing): If this is really me

Buffy (singing): And I just wanna

Buffy/Faith (singing): be

Buffy/Faith/Spike (singing softly): Alive…

They see that Dawn has fallen asleep.

Buffy (whispers): She’s asleep.

Faith (whispers): Yeah, and just think, you’ve got your own song to put her to sleep. (chuckles softly) That must feel pretty good, huh, B?

Buffy (grinning): I know you’re insulting my singing talent, Faith…(warmly) but, y’know somethin’? It does. It does feel pretty good.

She leans into the crib and kisses Dawn’s forehead.

Buffy (smiles): Sleep tight, sweetie. Mommy loves you.

She kisses her forehead, then walks out of the room.

She closes the door enough to leave it open a crack, then goes out to join the others.

Buffy: There…she should get some rest. She had a big, long day.

Willow: So have we.

Buffy (sighs deeply): Here’s what I was thinking…Willow, Tara: you two can take my room. I think Faith, Dawn, and I should get Mom’s old room 'cause I think it would be easiest on everyone if Dawn was closest to her parents.

Willow (nods): I totally understand, Buffy.

Tara: Yeah, we’ve got no problem switching rooms.

Willow: Definitely.

She waves her finger.

Willow (grins): There. I just moved all of Dawnie’s stuff into your room…along with a rocking chair for you or Faith to rock her to sleep.

Buffy hugs Willow.

Buffy: Thank you, Will. We really appreciate this.

Willow: No problem.

Buffy (smiles): Let’s get to bed, guys. Janice…you can take the pull-out. M.J?

Mary Jane: Yep?

Buffy (smiles): I’m assuming you’ll be going home to your husband?

Mary Jane: Definitely, definitely. (smiles) Give Dawnie a kiss for me and I’ll see you guys tomorrow morning.

Willow: Nice meeting you, Mary Jane.

Tara: Yeah, it was great getting to know you.

Mary Jane: It was nice meeting you guys too. (smiles) See you later.

She walks out and Willow closes the door.

Willow looks at Tara.

Willow (smiles, giggles): Well, I guess we should be getting to bed.

Tara (giggles): You’re right. It’s getting late.

Willow: Sleep well, Janice. Sweet dreams, you two.

Faith (appreciative): Thanks, Will. Same to you both.

Buffy: Uh-uh. We’re not goin’ to bed yet, Faith.

Faith (smiles): I love the way you think, B. (purrs)

Buffy (giggles): No…not that. (low voice) at least not yet. (speaks): Dawnie needs a bath first.

Faith (smiles): Yeah, you’re right.

The girls walk into the bedroom to find Dawn awake.

Buffy (grins): Look who’s up!

She picks her up and tickles her.

Buffy (cooing): You know what time it is now, Dawnie? It’s bath time! (happily) Yay!!!

She takes Dawnie to the bathroom and lays her on the changing table, with Faith following behind.

Buffy (smiles): Wanna get her diaper off?

Faith: Sure, B. (cooing): Yeah, sweetie…Mommy and Mama are gonna give you a bath and get you all nice and clean.

She rips the left diaper tab, then the right diaper tab.

Buffy (shivers a little): Ooh…

Faith: You okay, B?

Buffy (smiles a little): Fine…I just never…never really got used to that sound.

Faith: Diaper tapes ripping?

Buffy (chuckles): This is why I could never have a baby using disposable diapers…or wear Velcro shoes.

Faith (confused): You never minded it before, B…what changed?

Buffy (smiles a little): Maybe it’s just the fact that I’ve heard it so many times in this situation, I’ve associated that sound with diaper changing.

Faith (smiles): Don’t worry, B. Sooner or later ya won’t even notice it.

Buffy goes to start the water.

She takes off Dawn’s shirt and, taking off her diaper, she lifts her up and sets her in the tub.

Buffy takes the Pampers wipes and begins washing Dawn’s stomach.

Dawn giggles and splashes Buffy.

Buffy (giggles): I think we got ourselves a wittle Splash Monster!

Faith (giggles): Looks like we do!

Buffy continues washing Dawn over with the wet wipes.

She moves her head back gently and begins pouring a cup of water over her hair.

Faith (warning, smiles): Careful, B.

Buffy begins squirting shampoo onto Dawn’s hair and stroking her hair back.

Dawn cries.

Buffy (worried): Oh, sweetie…Mommy’s so sorry! Mommy didn’t mean to get it in your eyes…

Dawn wails.

Buffy kisses her daughter on the cheek many times.

Buffy: Mommy’s so, so sorry…

Dawn whimpers and smiles a little.

Buffy (smiles): Attagirl.

Faith and Buffy continue to wash Dawn over with the cloth.

Faith (smiles): I think she’s done here, B.

Buffy (smiles): Yeah. (cooing): You’re such a good girl, Dawnie-Dawn…

She picks her up and, taking her out of the tub, wraps her in a towel, cleaning her off.

Buffy takes Dawn over to the changing table by the bathtub and lays her on it.

She tickles her tummy and takes her legs in her hand.

Buffy: Faith, grab me a diaper, please?

Faith: You got it, Chosen One.

Faith grabs a diaper.

Faith: Lift.

Buffy, holding Dawn’s feet in one hand, lifts Dawn’s bottom up from the changing table.

Faith slips the diaper underneath Dawn’s bottom.

Faith: Let go.

Buffy lets go of Dawn’s feet.

Buffy: Oil.

Faith puts the baby oil on Dawn’s bottom.

Faith (smiles) (to herself): Never thought I’d be using this for its intended purpose. (chuckles softly)

Buffy: Through.

Faith brings the diaper up through Dawn’s legs.

Faith: Left.

Buffy tapes the left diaper tab.

Buffy: Right.

Faith tapes the right diaper tab.

Buffy/Faith: All right!

They high-five each other.

Buffy picks up Dawn, holding her in her arms.

Buffy (smiles): Now we can go to bed.

Buffy and Faith go into their rooms in one direction, with Willow and Tara going into their rooms in the other direction.

Buffy and Faith take off their shirts and pants, and, in their bras and panties, climb into bed next to Dawnie’s crib.

Buffy looks at Faith.

Buffy (smiles): Sleep tight, Faith.

Faith (smiles): Night, B.

Buffy leans over and turns on the radio, but at a low volume.

The two fall asleep in each other’s arms.

Radio: This is James Williams with the D.A.L.E Action News Forecast. For all you computer fans out there, make sure to save your work often ‘cause there’s a major storm comin’ this way. Next up, we’ve…



There is a huge thunderclap outside.

Dawn wakes up in her crib and there’s a thunderclap again.

Dawn begins to cry and fuss.

Buffy moans and tosses and turns in bed.

Dawn continues to cry.

Buffy (moans): I’m comin’, sweetie…(to Faith) Faith…

Faith (moans): What…?

Buffy: Dawn’s up…

Faith moans and slowly gets up.

Buffy and Faith go over to Dawn and Faith takes her out of the crib as Dawn whimpers against Faith’s chest…

Faith (smiles): Hey, munchkin…did de wittle thunderclap scare you? (smiles) It’s otay…everything’s okay…(realizes, grimaces) Ooh…B?

Buffy: Yeah?

Faith: We got a situation here.

Buffy takes Dawn from Faith and tickles her.

Buffy (cooing): Yeah…did Dawnie make a wee-wee in her diapies? I tink she did…

She touches her diaper.

Buffy (squeals happily) (cooing): You did, Dawnie! Such a good girl!

Faith (chuckles): Okay, B; take it easy. (smiles)

Buffy (cooing): We gotta change ya. Yes, we do….yes, we do…

She lays Dawn on the changing table and, unzipping her onesie, untapes her wet diaper.

Dawn fusses a little from being woken up so soon.

Buffy (cooing): Aww, that’s okay, sweetheart…Mommy and Mama are gonna change that diapie, don’t you worry.

Dawn looks up at Buffy.

Dawn (coos): Mommy.

Buffy smiles warmly.

Dawn looks at Faith.

Dawn (coos and gurgles): M…M…Mama.

Faith smiles warmly.

Faith: Oh…oh my God…B, did–did you hear what she—

Buffy (near tears): I–I did…(smiles) Such a good girl…

She takes off Dawn’s wet diaper and, with Faith holding Dawn’s legs, lifts her bottom up from the changing table.

Buffy slips the diaper out from underneath Dawn’s bottom.

As Buffy balls up the diaper and tosses it, Faith has already taken the baby powder and powders Dawn’s bottom.

Faith looks at Buffy and smiles.

Faith: We’re a good team, B.

Buffy smiles at her.

Buffy (smiles): Definitely.

Buffy takes the baby wipes and wipes Dawn’s privates.

Dawn shivers and fusses from the coldness of the wipe.

Buffy (grimaces): Oooh, yeah…I know that’s cold, baby…don’t worry, Mommy’s gonna buy a wipe warmer.

Faith takes out a new diaper and, untaping it and opening it like a pro, hands Buffy the diaper.

Faith: Here ya go…(smiles) Mommy.

Buffy (smiles): Thanks…Mama.

Faith takes Dawn’s legs in her left hand and lifts her bottom from the changing table.

Buffy takes the diaper and slips it under Dawn’s bottom.

Faith lets go of Dawn’s feet and, letting her kick in the breeze, takes the front of the diaper in her hand and, bringing it up through Dawn’s legs, tapes it tightly.

Dawn whimpers.

Faith (smiles): Oops…(cooing) Mama’s sorry, sweetie…

She untapes the diaper, loosening it a little.

Then she tapes it back up.

Faith picks up Dawn in her arms and, taking her over to the crib, lays her inside it.

Dawn fusses and reaches her arms to Faith.

Dawn (fussing): M…M…Mama!

Faith looks into the crib.

Faith (smiles): What’s wrong, sweetheart?

Dawn fusses and tries to reach for her.

Faith picks up Dawn.

Faith: You wanna sleep with Mommy and Mama?

Dawn nods and smiles.

Faith: Okay, sweetheart.

Faith looks at Buffy.

Faith: Is that okay…Mommy?

Buffy (smiles): Definitely.

Buffy and Faith go over to the bed and lay down.

Dawn smiles and strokes Buffy’s hair.

Buffy (smiles): Mommy loves you so much, Dawnie…



Eliza Dushku as Faith
James Marsters as Spike
Kirsten Dunst as Mary-Jane Watson
Ben Stiller as Radio Announcer James Williams (voice)

Relocating, Realizations, and Revelations Print

The sun raises up over Sunnydale, California.


Buffy and Faith begin to wake up.

Buffy (moans softly): Morning.

Faith (smiles): Morning, baby.

Dawn cries.

Faith (realizes): Ooh, I think someone needs changing.

Buffy (grins, joking tone): Can’t be me. Tara changed me before I went to bed.

Faith (chuckles): I know.

Buffy (smiles): You want me to do it?

Faith begins to get out of bed.

Faith: Nah, I’ll do it.

She gets up and goes over to the changing table, laying Dawn on it.

Dawn coos and gurgles up at Faith.

Dawn: Mama…

Faith (smiles): That’s right, sweetheart. Mama’s here, and she’s gonna get that icky diapie changed.

Dawn whimpers and smiles.

Dawn: Mama tange diapie.

Faith: Don’t worry, sweetie…Mama’s gonna get you all dry.

She untapes Dawn’s diaper and opens it, finding that Dawn has pooped.

Faith (cooing): Oooh…someone made a big, big poopy in their diapies…(smiles)

She touches Dawn’s nose and she giggles and squeals happily.

Faith, taking Dawn’s legs in her hands, slips the diaper out from underneath her.

She folds it up and tapes it closed, tossing it into the diaper pail.

She takes the baby wipes and wipes Dawn’s bottom, throwing the used wipes in the garbage.

She takes the baby powder and powders Dawn’s bottom.

After that, she takes a new diaper from the bottom of the changing table and, opening it and untaping it, she slips it under Dawn’s bottom and, bringing it up through her legs, tapes it closed.

There is a knock at the door.

Buffy: I got it, Faith.

She gets up and walks downstairs.

Buffy: Hello?

Janice’s Mother: I’m looking for my daughter, Mrs. Summers.

Janice (surprised): Mom!

She gets up.

Janice: Wh–what’re you doing here?

Janice’s Mom: I have something to tell you…(sighs) I got a new job and…

Janice: So you’re just gonna yank me out of school?! Just like that?! Away from my friends?!

Janice’s Mom: N–no…I was actually going to say that if you wanted to stay here, you could.

Janice (ecstatic): Really???

Janice’s Mom (nods): Yes.

Janice runs to her mom and hugs her.

Janice: Thank you, thank you!

Janice’s Mom (smiles): Not a problem, honey.

Janice looks at Buffy.

Janice: C–can I, Buffy?

Buffy (smiles): Of course.

Janice hugs Buffy.

Janice: Thank you so much!

Buffy: You can move into Dawn’s old room. If there’s anything you want in her room, take it. And whatever you don’t want, let me know and I’ll move it into the garage.

Faith comes downstairs, holding Dawn in her arms, who is wearing a red shirt and blue button-up shorts…

Faith (smiles, happily): Look who’s up!

The group go over to her and begin cooing at her.

There is a knock on the door.

Buffy: I got it.

Buffy walks over to the door and opens it.

Xander: Hey, Buff!

Dawn: 'dander!

Xander walks over to Dawn and tickles under her chin.

Xander (smiles): Is this Dawnie? My, you’ve grown so much! You’re de cutest wittle baby in all of Sunnydale!

He tickles her tummy and blows on it.

Dawn squeals and giggles happily.

Xander takes Dawn from Faith and throws her up in the air many times.

Xander (laughs): Whee! Airplane! Whee!!

Dawn squeals with laughter.

Willow: Xand, Tara and I have to move our stuff into Buffy and Faith’s old room. Can you watch Dawnie?

Xander (smiles): No big, you can count on me.

Willow (smiles warmly): I know I always can. (to Tara, Buffy, and Faith) Okay, guys, let’s go.

They walk off.

Xander lays Dawn on the floor and, lifting up her shirt, begins blowing on her tummy.

Dawn squeals and giggles happily.

Xander continues blowing on her tummy and Dawn keeps squealing.

Xander stops for a second and sniffs the air.

Xander: Uh-oh…Will?

Willow walks out, hands free.

Willow (smiles): Need a diaper changing?

Xander: Yeah…(sheepish) Y–yeah, but n–not me…Dawnie.

Willow walks over to Dawn and picks her up.

Willow: Ooh!! Someone made Auntie Willow a BIG present!

She takes Dawn into the nursery and lays her on the changing table.

Willow: Don’t worry, sweetie. Auntie Willow’s gonna get you all cleaned up…

Willow untapes Dawn’s diaper and opens it up.

Willow (giggles): Somebody left Auntie Willow a little more than that…

Willow wipes Dawn’s bottom with the clean end of the diaper.

Willow (cooing): Yeah…we’re gonna get that changed, don’t worry, sweetie-pie…

Dawn coos and gurgles on the changing table.

Willow takes her legs with one hand and lifts her bottom from the changing table.

Dawn: W…W…Wiwwow…

Willow’s face melts with emotion.

Willow (smiling): Oh…sweetie…you–you said my name!

She takes a new diaper and, opening it up, lays it next to her.

Dawn fusses on the table.

Willow: Don’t worry, honey…Auntie Willow wouldn’t do that without wiping or powdering first.

Willow takes the baby wipes and wipes Dawn’s bottom.

Willow (smiles): Attagirl…

Willow takes the baby powder and powders Dawn’s bottom.

Dawn smiles and coos, trying to eat her feet.

Willow giggles.

Willow: You’re such a cute little one…

She tickles her tummy and Dawn squeals.

She takes her diaper and, lifting Dawn’s bottom from the table, slips it underneath her, brings it up through her legs and tapes it closed.

Willow picks her up and pats her bottom.

Willow (smiles widely): You were such a good girl for me, Dawnie. Auntie Willow’s gonna give you a treat.

She gives Dawn a lollypop.

Dawn (smiles): Awweady got one.

She giggles.

Willow smiles and takes Dawn downstairs.

Buffy walks over to Dawn and tickles her.

Buffy: Were you a good girl for Auntie Willow?

Dawn smiles and nods.

Buffy tickles her tummy.

Buffy (smiles widely): Attagirl!

Willow: Yes, she was a very good girl.

Buffy (smiles): I had an idea, guys.

Willow: What, Buff?

Buffy: What’d’ya guys say we…go out tonight? Just a couples’ thing?

Faith: You mean you and me, and Will and Tara?

Buffy (smiles): Yeah. That’s exactly what I was thinking.

Willow (happily): What a coincidence! We had the same idea!

Buffy (laughs): Awesome! Okay, so–so what’re you guys thinking?

Willow (smiles, happily): What does everyone say to a round of miniature golf…followed by a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes??

Buffy (chuckles): I’d say you’ve been watching the “Simpsons” too much. (giggles)

Willow (grins): I know. Seriously, though…how about dinner at a nice restaurant, followed by a movie, followed by miniature golf?

Faith (pleased): I could go for that.

Tara (smiles): Yeah, me too.

Willow turns to Buffy.

Willow: Buff?

Buffy: Yeah! That’d be a great idea, Will!

Willow (grins): Awesome!

Buffy (frowns): Wait…we can’t go.

Willow (realizes): Oh, yeah…forgot…Janice can’t watch Dawn tonight…she’s helping her mom move her stuff in here…

Buffy (sighs): Oh, well…it was a nice idea while it lasted.

There is a knock on the door.

Buffy goes to it and opens it.

M.J (excited and ecstatic): You’re not gonna believe this!

Buffy (giggles): What, what???

M.J (squeals happily): Peter and I are moving in across the street!!

Buffy squeals happily, as does M.J.

M.J: Yeah! We just signed the papers at the realtor’s office and we’re moving into Janice’s old house. (smiles) Right now we’re staying at the Sunnydale Inn, but I just couldn’t wait to share the good news.

Willow (smiles): That’s awesome!!

Tara (smiles widely): Congratulations, M.J!

M.J: So what’re you gals up to?

Buffy: Well, we were gonna go out, but we realized that, since Janice is packing her stuff up, there’s nobody to stay with Dawnie.

M.J: I can stay with her, if you want.

Dawn squeals and giggles and claps her hands.

Buffy and the girls look over at her.

Buffy/Willow/Faith/Tara/Mary Jane (touched): Awww…(smiles)

M.J: Yeah, that’s no problem at all. Don’t worry about it.

Buffy walks over to Dawn and takes her in her arms.

Buffy: Y’hear that, Dawnie? Auntie M.J’s watchin’ you tonight!

Mary Jane smiles, touched by the status that she’s just earned.

Buffy: Okay, now the emergency numbers are by the refrigerator, the baby food is in the cupboards, the diapers are underneath the changing table which is down the hall in our room…“our” being myself and Faith, and, um…anything I’m forgetting?

M.J: What time does she go to bed?

Buffy: About 9:30.

M.J: Does she have any kind of routine?

Buffy: Usually a bath, then a diaper change, then we read her a story.

M.J: Okay, no problem. (smiles)

Buffy: If you’ve got any questions, here’s the number for the restaurant we’re staying at.

She hands Mary Jane the card.

Buffy: Just call if there are any problems.

Mary Jane (smiles): I’m sure there won’t be.

Buffy: Okay…(smiles) We’ll be back later tonight.

Mary Jane: Have a good time, guys.

Willow: Thanks, M.J

Mary Jane (grins): See ya tonight!

Buffy walks over to Dawn and kisses her.

Buffy: Mommy’ll be back later tonight, sweetheart. Until then, M.J’s gonna watch you.

Dawn: Yay!!

Buffy (smiles): Mommy loves you, sweetie. Always.

Faith: B, we gotta go. If we’re not there in ten minutes, they’ll give away our table.

Buffy: Right. (smiles): Let’s go, guys. (cooing) Bye, Dawnie! Mommy loves you!

They walk out of the house and close the door.

Dawnie coos and gurgles to M.J.

Mary Jane carries Dawn over to the highchair and sets her into it.

Mary Jane: You want some food, sweetheart?

Dawn (chanting): Fud! Fud! Fud!

Mary Jane giggles.

Mary Jane: Okay, Dawnie…let’s see what your mommy left.

She looks in the cupboards.

Mary Jane (reading the labels): Strained Peas….Strained Beef…Strained Spaghetti and Meatballs…Strained Carrots…

Dawn squeals happily.

Mary Jane (smiles): Winner, huh?

She takes the jar and, going over to Dawn, sets it in front of her.

She takes out a spoon and unscrews the top of the jar.

Mary Jane: Okay, sweetheart…here comes the airplane…(making airplane noises)

Dawn giggles and squeals.

Mary Jane plays airplane with her, as she puts the food in her mouth.

Mary Jane: You’re such a good girl, my little sweetie pie!

Dawn giggles happily.

(Time Lapse: 10 minutes)

Mary Jane (smiles): There! All done!

Dawn fusses and whimpers.

She takes Dawn out of her highchair and feels the bottom of her diaper.

Mary Jane: Oooh…(cooing) Did Dawnie-Wannie make a poopy-woopy in her diapie-wipie?

Dawn fusses.

Dawn: Dawn poopy…Emm-Day tange…

Mary Jane: Don’t worry, honey…M.J’ll change that dirty diaper…don’t you worry.

She takes her over to the bathroom and lays her on the changing table.

Mary Jane slips off Dawn’s shirt and unsnaps her shorts.

Mary Jane (playful): Oooh…someone left their babysitter a big, big present! (cooing) Didn’t she? Didn’t she? Yes, she did…

As Mary Jane leans down to Dawn’s stomach, tickling her:

Mary Jane (cooing): yesyesyesyesyes…

Dawn smiles and giggles.

Mary Jane takes off Dawn’s shorts and sets them aside.

M.J: All right, sweetie-pie, here we go…(smiles)

She untapes Dawn’s diaper and opens it up.

M.J: Ooh! Someone’s got a big poopy for Emm-Day! (smiles) And it looks really wet, too! Attagirl, Dawnie! You’re such a good, good girl!

She tickles her tummy and Dawn squeals with laughter.

Mary Jane takes Dawn’s legs in her hands and, taking a smooth, disposable washcloth, wipes Dawn’s bottom.

Mary Jane (cooing): Who’s a dirty girl? Huh? You’re the wittle dirty girl!

She tickles Dawn’s tummy and she giggles.

Mary Jane, after wiping Dawn’s bottom, disposes of the washcloth.

Mary Jane (smiles): Let’s get this powder on you, sweetie pie…so you don’t get a wittle rash.

Mary Jane puts the baby powder on Dawn’s bottom.

Mary Jane (smiles): Ready for your new diapie, sweetheart?

Dawn giggles.

Mary Jane: Here we go. (giggles)

She takes a new diaper from the bottom of the changing table and, opening it up, lifts Dawn’s bottom from the table and, slipping the diaper underneath, brings it up through her legs and tapes the tabs closed.

Mary Jane smiles and picks her up.

Mary Jane (cooing): Such a good girl!

Dawn yawns.

Mary Jane (cooing): Oooh….someone’s a tired little one…let’s go get you in your jammies, sweetheart…

She takes her to Buffy and Faith’s room and lays her on the changing table.

She takes out her pink onesie and, unzipping it, dresses Dawn in it.

Mary Jane picks her up.

Mary Jane (smiles): Attagirl…

She takes her downstairs and, going to the cupboard for a bottle, puts it into Dawn’s mouth.

Dawn sucks eagerly on the bottle, smiling around it.

M.J goes back upstairs and sits in the rocking chair by Buffy and Faith’s bed.

M.J (cooing): Want Emm-Day to read you a story, sweetie?

Dawn: Moon!

M.J (giggles): You wanna read “Goodnight, Moon”? (smiles) Okay, sweetie.

She takes the book out and opens it up.

She fixes it so that Dawn can see the pictures.

As she rocks back in forth in the chair:

M.J (reading): Hello Moon, Goodnight Moon, Goodnight cow jumping over the moon…

She looks at Dawn to find that she’s fast asleep.

M.J (smiles): That was quick.

She slowly gets up and sets Dawn in her crib.

There is a key in the lock and Mary Jane goes downstairs to find the group coming home.

M.J: How was it, guys?

Buffy (smiles): Awesome.

Willow (smiles widely): Such a blast!

Faith (grins): Yeah, one of the best nights of our lives!

Buffy: How was she?

M.J: Such a good little baby. She didn’t fuss when I fed her, she didn’t squirm when I changed her, and I got not even ten words out in “Goodnight, Moon” before she zonked out.

Buffy (smiles): That’s great, Mary Jane. What do I owe you?

M.J (happily): Don’t worry about it. Just have a good night, guys.

She starts to walk out.

Buffy: M.J, wait!

She stops and faces Buffy.

M.J: Yep?

Buffy: Um…this might be a little spontaneous, but…the daycare centre that we’re working at is hiring…would you want to…

M.J (smiles): Sure! I love kids and…well, the bookstore pays, like, nothing…Sure, I’ll do it!

Buffy (grins): Great! We have to go tomorrow for work, but hopefully we’ll see ya there.

M.J: Definitely. (smiles warmly) Have a good night, guys.

Willow (grins): You too, Mary Jane.

Mary Jane walks out of the house and closes the door.

Buffy: I’m just gonna go…check on Dawnie.

Faith: Yeah, I’ll come with you, B.

The two go upstairs.

Willow (smiles, invitingly): Shall we?

Tara (grins): You read my mind.

Willow and Tara link hands and, kissing each other passionately, head to their room.

Meanwhile, Buffy and Faith have just walked into their room, also hand-in-hand.

Buffy walks up to the crib to find Dawnie fast asleep, thumb in her mouth.

Buffy (whispers): She’s so adorable…

Faith walks up beside Buffy, watching Dawn.

Faith (whispers): Yeah…

She looks at Buffy.

Faith (sincerely): She takes after her mother.

Buffy smiles and kisses Faith.

Faith kisses Buffy back.

Buffy: I love you so much.

Faith: I love you too.

Buffy smiles warmly.

Faith: Do you?

Buffy (giggles): I do.

Faith takes Buffy over to the bed.

Faith: Ready?

Buffy: Always.

Faith: Okay. Here we go. You know the rules.

Buffy lays down on the bed.

Faith: Okay.

As she takes off Buffy’s pants, we pan over to the window. Just then…

We hear a diaper tape rip.


Eliza Dushku as Faith
Markie Post as Janice’s Mother
Amber Tamblyn as Janice
Kirsten Dunst as Mary-Jane Watson

One Surprise After Another Print

Buffy hears the diaper tape rip and wakes up, surprised.

Buffy unzips her pants and pulls them down a little, seeing that she’s wearing panties.

Buffy (sighs deeply): Just a dream…

She goes back to sleep.



We see someone on a changing table, presumably Dawn, cooing up at Faith.

From the view of the toddler, we see Faith looking down at the figure on the changing table.

Faith (cooing): Yeah…it’s okay, sweetheart…don’t worry….we’re gonna change that diaper, don’t worry, baby…

The toddler cries and fusses on the table.

Faith: No, no…hold still, sweetie…shh…be a good girl for Faithy while she changes you…shh…

Faith takes the toddler’s legs in her hand and begins wiping the toddler’s bottom.

The toddler continues crying and squirming.

Faith: Sweetie…please be a good girl and hold still…

The toddler continues to cry, kick, and squirm.

Faith: Okay, that’s enough!

Faith slaps the toddler’s thigh and the toddler wails.

Faith: That’s what you get for squirming while Faith changes you! You’ve been a very bad girl!!

We see the toddler’s face.

It’s Buffy…and she’s sobbing her eyes out.


Buffy wakes up with a start, panting.

Faith looks over at her.

Faith (concerned): B? You okay?

Buffy: N–…I don’t know…I–I…I gotta get outta here for a bit. C–can you watch Dawnie?

Faith (surprised a little): S…sure, B. No problem.

Buffy: Thanks, Faith.

She goes over to the crib, and leans down, kissing Dawn on the forehead.

Buffy (smiles): Mommy loves you, sweetie. Don’t worry, I’ll be back very, very soon.

She looks back at Faith.

Buffy: Thanks, Faith.

Faith: No problem, B.

Buffy smiles again, then walks out of their room.

She gently walks downstairs and, quietly opening the door, she walks out and, closing the door, goes down the street.

She walks up to the pharmacy.

She exhales.

Buffy: Here I go…

She walks into the pharmacy and goes to the diaper aisle.

Buffy (quietly to herself): Hmm…Pampers Size 6…I don’t know if they’d fit…(sighs) Well…

She takes the package then goes up to the counter, handing it to the cashier.

The cashier gives her a look.

Buffy (covering): These are for my little sister. My cousin’s watching her at home.

The cashier, seeming satisfied with the explanation, rings up Buffy’s purchase and puts the diapers into a bag.

Buffy takes the bag and, giving her a polite smile, leaves the pharmacy, going back to her house.

She turns the key in the lock, quietly, and opens the door.

Without waking anyone up, she closes the door quietly.

She walks up to her room and, going to the closet, she stashes the bag of diapers in the closet.

She sighs deeply and then goes to bed and, snuggling up next to Faith, falls asleep.



The birds begin tweeting and Buffy slowly moans and wakes up.

Buffy shakes Faith a little.

Faith (moans): I don’t wanna go to school today, Mommy…

Buffy (stifles a laugh): Faith…it’s me…Buffy.

Faith (moans): B…?

She blinks and slowly gets up.

Faith: What’s goin’ on?

Buffy: We gotta get ready…

Faith: For what?

Buffy: Work.

Faith (moans): I’m callin’ in sick today…

She throws the covers over her head.

Buffy: No, no…Faith, we’re going to work today and there’s nothing you can say or do to get out of it.

Faith: I can say I’m dead. Let’s get Angel in here to kill me. If I’m dead, they have to fire me.

Buffy (sighs): Faith…let’s get ready…we have to go to work…

Faith (moans): No…don’t wanna…

Buffy yanks the covers off of Faith and throw them by the closet.

Faith (sighs): I can’t believe you…

She gets up, rubs her eyes, and goes over to the closet, grabbing her blankets.

She notices something inside the closet.

She pushes the door open, while Buffy’s not looking, and sees the package of diapers.

Faith (thinking): Why would B need these diapers…? Dawn’s not even wearing that size yet…Hmm…

She looks back at Buffy.

Faith: Just let me get ready, then we can go.

Buffy: Awesome, I’ll be downstairs.

She goes to leave, then sticks her head in.

Buffy: Oh…can you…

Faith: I’ll take care of Dawn, don’t worry.

Buffy: Thanks, Faith.

She leaves the room and goes downstairs.

Willow, Tara, and Janice are all downstairs, having breakfast.

Buffy comes downstairs, dressed in a short-sleeved white T-shirt and blue jean shorts.

Buffy: Good morning, guys!

Willow (smiles): Mornin’, Buffy!

Tara: Hey, Buffy! Sleep well?

Buffy: Not bad.

Tara: Where’s Dawnie?

Buffy: Faith’s lookin’ after her while she gets dressed.

Faith comes downstairs, with Dawn in her arms, giggling.

Faith (grins): Guess who I’ve got??

Willow, Tara, and Janice go over to Dawn and coo and babytalk to her, tickling her.

Dawn giggles and squeals happily.

Buffy: We oughta get goin’, guys. They’re real strict about being on time.

Willow: She’s right, we gotta go. We can eat at the daycare centre.

Faith (scoffs, in disbelief): Juice and crackers?

Willow (laughs): No, Faith; the staff gets regular food.

Buffy: Okay, guys…let’s get goin’.

Buffy, Willow, Tara, and Faith, holding Dawn, leave the house, going to the daycare centre.


The group walks into the daycare centre, going down the hallway to room 314.

They open the door to find that it’s a little calmer than last time.

There are still toddlers crying, but not as many are squirming on the changing tables.

Buffy walks up to Emma.

Buffy: Hey, Emma.

Emma: Hey. (smiles) Guess what?

Buffy: What?

Emma: We have a new employee.

Buffy: Really? What’s her name?

Emma: Who said it was a her?

Buffy looks confused.

Emma: Just kidding, Buffy. (smiles) I just have to go and check the sheet. We’ve got at least sixty different applicants coming in over the course of the months.

Buffy (laughs): Sixty? Wow…that’s amazing.

Emma (laughs): Well, daycare’s a demanding business. Just a sec, Buffy. I’ll go over to the sheet and check and see who’s coming in today.

Buffy: Thanks, Emma. I appreciate it.

Emma: No problem.

She leaves to go and check the sheet.

Buffy looks at Faith.

Buffy (worried): Faith, you changed Dawn, right?

Faith: Yeah, B. Don’t worry, she’s dry.

Buffy: You gave her a bottle, right?

Faith: Yeah, B. Don’t worry. She’s been fed, too.

Buffy: Okay. Just double-checking.

Faith (chuckles): B, I’m her mother too, don’t worry. I have just as much experience as you in this situation.

Buffy: Well…

Faith (laughs): Okay, fine; be picky.

Buffy (sighs deeply, ashamed): I’m sorry, Faith. I didn’t mean to try to call your parenting abilities into question…I really do admire your ability with Dawn. You’ve changed her, you’ve fed her, you’ve burped her, you’ve even sang to her…you’re probably one of my favorite people to look after Dawn. (smiles warmly) I’m extremely happy to have fallen in love with you, and I know that, over the course of time, that’s the one thing that I will never stop believing.

Faith smiles and kisses Buffy.

Faith: Thank you, B…(warmly) Buffy. I really appreciate it.

Buffy: No problem, Faith. You don’t have to thank me. I’m happy enough to get to know you these past three years.

Emma comes back with the sheet.

Emma: We found out who’s joining us.

Buffy: Who?

Emma: Valerie and Holly Tyler.

Buffy: Oh…well, how much experience do they have?

Emma: They have very decorated records from many babysitters. But don’t worry, Buffy…I’m sure they’ll be fine.

Buffy: I hope so… 'Cause if they want to look after Dawnie, they’ll have to talk to me first.

Emma (gently): Buffy, I know you’re her mother, and I can understand you wanting to protect her, but trust me…they’ve got plenty of experience and they know what they’re doing.

Willow: Buffy, Emma’s right. You don’t have to worry about Dawn. If there’s any problems, then you’ll immediately know about it.

Buffy (sighs): I guess so.

A little boy, around 2, tugs on Buffy’s pant leg.

Buffy kneels down to him.

Buffy (cooing): What’s up, little guy?

Boy (pouts): Daipie…

Buffy takes the boy in her arms.

Buffy (smiles, cooing): Ah, you need a diapie change, huh? Okay, let’s get you all cleaned up…

She takes the boy over to the changing table and lays him down, fastening the safety strap.

The boy pouts and points down to his diaper.

Boy (pouts): Poopie…

Buffy (smiles warmly, sniffs): Yes you did, sweetie. But don’t worry, I’m gonna get you all clean.

She untapes his diaper and opens it.

Buffy (smiles): Whooo…someone’s got a real poopy diaper…

The boy giggles.

Buffy (playful): Oh, you like that, don’cha? (giggles)

She takes his legs in her hand and, lifting his bottom from the changing table, wipes his bottom with the clean end of the dirty diaper, slips it out from under him.

The boy giggles up at Buffy.

Buffy (cooing): You’re such a good boy…

Taking his legs in her hand, she takes a box of baby wipes from the counter and, opening it, takes a baby wipe, wiping the boy’s dirty mess from his bottom.

Boy: Cwean…

Buffy (smiles): That’s right, sweetie…all clean.

She takes out the baby powder and powders the boy’s bottom.

The boy sneezes a little.

Buffy (giggles): Bless you, sweetheart.

She takes a new diaper from the bottom shelf of the changing table.

Buffy (smiles, cooing); There we go, little guy…can you lift that bum up for me?

The boy raises his bum from the changing table.

As Buffy slides the diaper underneath him:

Buffy (cooing): Attaboy…such a good boy.

The boy begins to spray a stream of urine at Buffy.

Buffy dodges it by ducking down.

Buffy stands back up.

Buffy (cooing): Missed me, sweetheart!

She tickles him and he giggles.

Buffy: Now let’s get this diapie on you.

She brings the diaper up through his legs and tapes it closed.

Buffy unstraps him from the changing table and picks him up, holding him in her arms.

Buffy (cooing): Such a good boy…

She tickles him, and he giggles happily.

She sets him on the floor and pats his bottom.

Buffy (smiles): There, cutie. Go play.

Meanwhile, Faith is over on the other side of the room, looking around at everything.

Faith: Hmm…cubbies, changing tables, bathroom, cupboards, sinks, and a buncha other stuff.

A boy, looking around 6, walks up to Faith.

Boy (embarrassed): Hi…

Faith (smiles): Hey there, dude. (confused) Aren’t you a little old to be in this room?

Boy: My mommy put me in here 'cause she wants to (mocking) keep an eye on me.

Faith: Does your mom work here?

Boy: No…she just put me in daycare 'cause she put me in diapers.

Faith (frowns): I’m sorry to hear that, little dude.

Boy: Yeah, she makes me drink from a baby bottle, a sippy cup, and she makes me suck a pacifier. She’s also got a crib and a change table in my room.

Faith (frowns, surprised): Oh my God…

She hugs him.

Faith: You poor little guy…

The boy begins to cry.

Faith (comforting): I’m so sorry…

She stops hugging him and looks at him.

Faith: Tell you what, sweetheart, do you need to be changed?

The boy nods, unhappily.

Faith: Okay, well, tell you what: if you let me change you, then I’ll make a special trip to the pharmacy just for you…for some underwear.

Boy: Yay!!

He hugs her.

Boy: Oh, thank you! Thank you!

Faith smiles.

Faith: You’re welcome, buddy. Now let’s get you changed.

She takes his hand and takes him over to a mat.

The boy lays down on the mat.

Faith (cooing): Attaboy…don’t worry, sweetie…Faith’ll know what to do…

She slips off his pants and, setting them aside, untapes his diaper.

The boy fusses as the cold air hits his privates.

Faith (concerned): Aww, it’s okay, sweetie.

She takes his legs in his hand and, taking a baby wipe, wipes his bottom.

She takes a bottle of baby powder and powders his bottom.

Faith (smiles): You’re such a good boy…

The boy giggles.

Boy: Thank you…F…Faith…

Faith (giggles): No problem, sweetie-pie.

Faith takes out one Huggies Pull-Up and slips it through his legs.

The boy looks down at the Pull-Up and fusses.

Faith (concerned): Aww, sweetheart, don’t worry. Faithy’s just putting this on you before she goes to pick up some undies for you. Also she’s putting it on you because that way you don’t have to wear a diaper…

Two girls walk into the daycare centre.

Emma walks up to them.

Emma: Valerie and Holly Tyler?

Valerie: Yep.

Holly: Yep.

Emma: Welcome to the Sunnydale Daycare Centre. (smiles) I read your résumé and I’m very impressed with your work with children.

Valerie: Why, thank you!

Emma: Now which areas are you proficient in?

Valerie: I’m skillful in all areas: diapering…feeding, both bottle and breast…putting them to bed…I’ve been a licensed babysitter for at least five years.

Emma: You’re experienced in diapering, right? Both cloth and disposable?

Valerie: Um…mainly just disposable.

Emma (smi

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Adventures in Scooby Sitting

If You Push Someone Too Far, You Never Know What Can Happen Print

The group consisting of Buffy, Willow, Tara, and Faith (who is holding Dawn in her arms) walk out of the daycare centre.

Faith: Well, that was a very interesting day.

Willow: I know what’cha mean. It was so cute, but seemed so long. (chuckles) That was so adorable, though, when Kaitlyn was squirming around on the changing table. What’d you think, Buffy?

Buffy (distracted): Yeah…yeah, changing table, yeah.

Willow (concerned): You okay, Buff?

Buffy: Y–yeah, I’m fine.

She sighs deeply, but to herself.

Dawn looks up at Faith.

Dawn (worried): Mommy sad…

Faith (sighs deeply, whispers): I know, Munchkin, I know…but Mama’s gonna make this all better I promise you.

She kisses her forehead.

Buffy stops and turns to face Faith.

Buffy: Faith, I want you to take Dawn home.

Faith (a little confused): Okay, B. No problem.

Buffy: I’ve–I’ve got an errand to run…

She kisses Faith on the lips, then kisses Dawn on the forehead.

Buffy: Mommy loves you, sweetie.

She walks off.

After a second, Faith gets a suspicious look on her face.

Faith (thinking): Something’s up…Will?

Faith hands Dawn to Willow, who takes her in her arms.

Faith: Can you take her home?

Willow: No problem, Faith. What’s up?

Faith: I’ve got something to take care of too.

She rushes off.


Buffy, swallowing hard, walks up to a gravestone.

Faith walks behind a bush, hiding from Buffy’s view, watching her.

We see that it is the gravestone of someone important to her.

She exhales deeply and kneels down in front of it, running her hand across the gravestone.

Buffy: Hey…Mom.

She begins to sniffle, and then she begins to break down, sobbing.

Faith looks surprised.

Faith (sighs, thinking): Poor B…

Once Buffy regains her composure, she sniffles and wipes her eyes.

Buffy (smiles a little). Happy Birthday. (chuckles a little) So…so I guess you heard about Dawn, right? (chuckles sarcastically) Real interesting, huh? She goes from bein’ my kid sister and your daughter to being my daughter and your granddaughter. (laughs, and begins to tear up) Funny how th…things work out…(crying) Oh, Mommy…I miss you so much. I–I don’t know what to do…with–with Dawnie…with Faith and–and me…it’s–it’s just so much to handle…all at once…I–I miss you so much…(sniffling) I miss the way you used to hold me in your arms…the way you used to rock me to sleep…and…(sighs deeply) even the way you used to change me. (chuckles softly) I–I just can’t keep doing this, Mom…every time my life gets back on track, I–I get thrown for a loop. I’m just…I’m losing control here…I need your help, Mom…please…?

Voice (from behind her): I’m always here to help you, Buffy.

Buffy turns to see who’s standing there.

Buffy (teary-eyed, surprised): Oh my God…

Joyce: Always.

She holds her hand out to her.

Buffy moves her hand forward slowly.

Buffy: M…Mommy?

Once she finds out she’s able to touch it, she hugs her mother, immediately breaking down in sobs.

Faith (in shock): No way…

Buffy continues hugging her mother, sobbing.

Joyce continues comforting her, rubbing her back gently.

Joyce: It’s okay, sweetheart…Mommy’s here now…

Buffy continues to hold onto her mother, continuing to sob.

Joyce (calming): Mommy’s here…shh…shh…

Faith continues watching this, shocked.


Joyce is sitting on a bench and Buffy is pacing.

She stops pacing and faces her mother, with a worried look on her face.

Buffy (sighs, worried): I can’t do this, Mom…this–this whole thing with Dawn is…is just insane…

Joyce: You don’t need to worry, sweetheart…you’re doing fine…

Buffy: But–but it’s just…it’s so hard…

Joyce: When I had you, it was just as hard, sweetie.

Buffy (sighs): But you were prepared for it!

Joyce gets up and takes her daughter’s face in her hands.

Joyce: I wasn’t at all, sweetheart…I wasn’t prepared for it at all. I mean…

She lets go of her face and stands, looking at her.

Joyce: I had the equipment and all, but the experience…well, that was something I had to learn on my own. Before you and Dawnie, I’d never taken care of a child. Never babysat, never looked after cousins…never did anything that dealt with any kind of child-care. I learned it all through time. I was fine…and you will be too, I know you will.

Buffy (smiles a little): Thanks, Mommy. I love you.

Joyce: I love you too, sweetheart. And just know that, no matter what, you and Dawn will always be my little baby girls.

Buffy hugs Joyce warmly.

Buffy: I love you so much, Mom.

Joyce: I love you too, sweetheart.

She lets go of her daughter.

Joyce: And always know that Mommy will never forget you…

As she fades away:

Joyce (echoing): Never forget you…never forget…never forget…

We see Buffy standing there by herself.

Buffy (calling out to her): Mom, wait! Don’t go!!

She kneels down to the tombstone and begins to sob, wrapping her arms around the gravestone.

Faith watches Buffy sob, knowing she’s helpless to do anything.

Faith (sighs): Poor B…I gotta do something about this…

She rushes off.



Willow is playing patty-cake with Dawn.

Tara is sitting on the couch, reading.

Janice is reading next to Tara.

Willow (chanting): Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker’s man; bake me a cake as fast as you can; roll it, and pat it, and mark it with a B. And put it in the oven for Buffy and–

The door opens and Faith rushes in.

Willow looks at Faith.

Willow (surprised): Faith…

Tara walks over to her.

Tara: What’s up?

Sensing that something might happen, Janice gets up and picks up Dawn.

Janice: I’m gonna go and put her down for a nap, okay, Tara?

Tara: No problem, Janice.

Faith walks over to Dawn and kisses her.

Faith: Mama loves you, sweetheart.

Dawn (smiles, cooing): Mama.

Faith smiles.

Faith: That’s right, honey. We’ll see you soon.

She blows her a kiss as Janice takes Dawn into her room.

Willow: What’s up, Faith?

Faith (sighs): Have you got what I asked for?

Willow: Yes.

Faith: How does it work?

Willow: All you have to do is hold it in your hand, squeeze it, and think of the place that makes you feel the most secure. Then it’ll transport you to another dimension. You can stay in the dimension for as long as you want until you hold the charm with both of your index fingers and state that you want to “return to home-base”, and it will transport you back to the location that you activated the charm from.

Faith (smiles): Thanks, Willow.

Willow: And don’t worry about it dying out. It’s lifespan is at least 500 years.

Tara (confused): What are you two talking about?

Faith takes her aside.

Faith (whispers): Later. In private.

She looks at Willow, worried.

Faith: These are my wife’s demons, Red. She wouldn’t want everyone knowing. The reason I told you, is because you’re her best friend…who also happens to be wicked strong with the mojo, which I needed to pull this off. Look, you can tell Tara, but nobody else. Not Xander. Not Giles. And especially not Anya, I don’t need that disaster. I want you two to take Dawnie and Janice and book a suite at the Sunnydale Inn. B and I will pick you guys up in the morning. Okay?

Willow: Got it, Faith.

Faith goes into Dawn’s room and picks her up.

We see that Dawn hasn’t been able to get to sleep and is cooing and gurgling happily in her crib.

Faith (cooing): Hey, cutie-pie…

She takes her over to her changing table and lays her down.

As she begins to change her into a fresh diaper, she talks to her.

Faith: Now, sweetie…Mommy and Mama have something to do here alone, okay? So we’re going to leave you with your Auntie Tara, Auntie Willow, and Auntie Janice. See, honey…Mommy’s been acting a little…out of sorts. So you see, Mama’s hoping she can…snap her out of it.

The change done, she picks her up and cradles her in her arms.

Faith: Understand what I mean, sweetheart?

She touches her nose and she giggles.

She takes her downstairs and hands her over to Willow, who’s got the diaper bag slung around her shoulder.

Faith: Now I want you to be a good girl for your aunts, okay, Dawnie?

Dawn (whimpers): Mama no go…

Faith: Aww…

She strokes Dawn’s cheek.

Faith: Mama will be back soon, honey. I promise.

From Dawn’s eye falls a little tear.

Dawn (sniffles): Dawnie wuv Mama…

Faith sniffles and smiles a little, a tear falling from her left eye.

Faith: Sweetie, Mama loves you too. But she has to do this…don’t worry, they’ll take good care of you, I promise.

Dawn (nods a little): Otay…

Willow: We better get going.

Faith: Okay, I’ll see you guys later.

The girls walk out of the house, closing the door.

Faith sighs deeply.


The group is now safely in the hotel.

Tara lying on the bed staring at the ceiling.

Willow is looking around at the room.

Janice is holding Dawn as she bounces her in her arms.

We see that Willow has made everything needed for taking care of Dawn appear using magic.

Willow: Okay, we’ve got everything we need. Bassinette, crib, highchair, rocking chair…

Janice: Did you poof a diaper pail and changing table?

Willow (smiles): Of course.

Janice: Good…'cause…(grimaces) I think we need to make use of it.

Willow (smiles): Dawnie made a poopy?

Janice: Feels like both, actually…

Willow: Go ahead, Janice. It’s just over there.

Janice: Thanks, Will. (smiles, coos) C’mon, Dawnie-Dawn, Janice is gonna get that diaper changed.

She takes Dawn over to the changing table and lays her down on it.

Dawn fusses on the changing table and squirms a little.

Dawn (fusses): Mama! Mama tange!

Janice (calmly): Sweetie, you know your mama’s busy at home…right now we’re going to be taking care of you. You like your Auntie Janice, right?

Dawn (whimpers): Me want Mama…

Janice (frowns): Aww…sweetheart, I know how you feel. We miss them too…

She takes off Dawn’s shorts and untapes her diaper.

Janice (smiles a little): Whoo…someone made a big, big poopy for Janice! (cooing)

Janice tickles Dawn’s tummy, but Dawn doesn’t laugh.

Janice (frowns): I know you miss them, sweetie, but they had to do this…but you don’t have to worry, honey. No matter what…(smiles) they always come back.

She takes her diaper from underneath Dawn’s bottom and wipes her bottom with the clean end of the diaper.

She takes Dawn’s legs in her hand and, lifting her bottom from the table, she wipes her bottom with at least four baby wipes.

Janice (giggles): Someone’s a real messy girl!

She tosses the baby wipes and, taking the baby powder, powders Dawn’s bottom.

She then takes a disposable diaper from the bottom of the changing table and, opening it up and taking Dawn’s legs in her hand, lifts her bottom from the table, slipping the diaper underneath her bottom.

She then brings it up through her legs and tapes it closed.

She then kisses her stomach and re-dresses her.

She picks her up from the changing table and takes her back out to the group.

Willow and Tara walk over to Dawn and Janice.

Willow tickles Dawn’s tummy.

Willow (smiles): Hey, sweetie! Were you a good girl for Auntie Janice?

Dawn nods a little.

Willow (grins): Good girl! (to Tara) I think we should get her fed before we put her down for the night.

Tara: Good idea. We’ve got baby food in the cupboards?

Willow: All varieties.

Voice from the doorway: She likes strained carrots.

They turn to look at who’s standing there.

Mary Jane: That’s always been her favorite…at least from what I can tell.

Willow (surprised): MJ! How’d you find us?

Mary Jane: Faith told me where you guys were.

Dawn (excitedly): Emm-Day!

Mary Jane comes over to Janice, taking Dawn out of her arms and into hers, tickling her.

Dawn squeals happily.

Janice (unhappily, to herself): She’s so much better with her than I am. When I tickled her, she never giggled or laughed or anything.

Mary Jane: So what’s up, guys? Why are we all hidin’ out here?

Willow: Faith needed to talk to Buffy and she kinda wanted to be alone when she did it.

Mary Jane: Oh. (smiles) Cool.

Dawn fusses and cries in MJ’s arms.

Mary Jane: Sounds like the “hungry” cry. (giggles)

Tara: Here, MJ, let me do it.

She takes Dawn from MJ and coos at her, tickling her.

Dawn giggles.

Janice (thinking): She even giggled for Tara when she tickled her. Why won’t she giggle for me?

Tara (cooing): You hungry, little one? Let’s go see what Auntie Willow’s poofed. Come on, yeah…

Tara takes Dawn, bouncing her on her hip, into the kitchenette.

She sets her in a highchair, locking it in place, and then goes to the cupboards, opening them.

Tara: Strained Carrots?

Dawn squeals in delight.

Tara (chuckles): We have a winner.

She takes the jar out of the cupboard and sets it in front of Dawn.

She unscrews the top and pours it into a small bowl.

She takes off Dawn’s shirt to avoid her getting food all over it.

She dips the spoon in it and brings it up to Dawn’s mouth.

Tara: All right, Dawnster…(cooing) here comes the airplane…(making airplane noises)

Dawn giggles and swallows the food.

Tara (cooing): Such a good girl! Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

She tickles her and Dawn giggles.

She continues feeding her from the kitchenette as the other group, consisting of Janice, Willow, and Mary Jane, are still in the living room.

Janice: So how’d you find us?

Mary Jane (a little taken aback): I told you…Faith told me.

Janice: I don’t believe that. Your boyfriend Spider-Man probably planted some little tracer thing on Dawn and that lead you right to us, didn’t he?

Mary Jane (surprised): What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Janice: Oh, cut the crap! We all know you’re tryin’ to go for my job as nanny, but y’know what? It ain’t gonna happen!

Mary Jane (surprised): I am not trying to “go for your job”…I love Dawn and I want to see her taken care of in the best possible way.

Janice: I’ve seen the way she looks at you when you feed her…when you change her…when you hold her in your arms…(sniffles, tears beginning to form) she…she never looked at me that way.

Mary Jane: She probably just feels more comfortable with me.

Janice (crying): But why?! Why would she feel more comfortable with a total stranger than with her best friend?!

Willow gets up from the bed and places her hands on Janice’s shoulder’s gently.

Willow: Janice…(calmly) Dawn isn’t your best friend anymore…the–the Dawn we knew has ceased to exist…she’s got no memories of knowing us when she was a teenager…no memories of anything other than what she experienced during the first 11 months of her life. She’s gone, and…I’m sorry to say this, but…she’s never coming back.

Janice hugs Willow, breaking down in sobs.

Willow rubs Janice’s back, trying to comfort her.

Willow (soothing): I know, I know…shh…shh…

Meanwhile back in the kitchenette, Tara has just finished feeding Dawn.

Tara (cooing): You’re such a good girl! You ate every wittle bite!

Dawn giggles and smiles.

Tara: But it looks like someone’s going to need a bath.

Dawn blushes a little.

Tara: It’s okay, sweetheart…I’ve bathed many little babies like yourself. Don’t worry, you’ve got nothing I haven’t seen before.

Dawn smiles warmly at Tara.

Dawn: T…T…Tawa…

Tara (smiles warmly, can’t believe it): Oh…oh my gosh, Dawnie…you said my name!

She unsnaps the highchair, taking her out of it and spinning her around.

Tara (happily): Such a good girl!

She stops spinning her and tickles her tummy, to which Dawn giggles.

Tara: But we really gotta get you into the bath, sweetie. We gotta get you all clean for when you see Mommy and Mama again…which’ll be real soon, I promise.

Dawn smiles and hugs Tara.

Dawn (sadly): Dawn miss Mama…Dawn miss Mommy…

Tara (affectionately): Aww, I know, honey…but don’t worry. You’ll be back with them really soon.

Willow walks into the kitchenette.

Willow: Hey, you two. How was lunch?

Tara: It was good. She ate every single bite.

Willow (smiles, cooing): You did? Aw, you’re such a goooood girl, Dawnie!

She tickles her and Dawn squeals happily.

Willow: What’re you up to now?

Tara: I was just gonna go and give her a bath.

Willow (smiles): Can I help?

Tara: I don’t see why not. (cooing, to Dawn) Sweetie, would you mind if Auntie Willow helped Auntie Tara bathe you?

Dawn: Yay! Wiffes! [witches]

Willow (giggles): I think she said ‘witches’.

Tara (chuckles): I hope so. (laughs) (to Dawn) Now let’s get you into the bathroom, sweetheart.

They take her into the bathroom, which is fully decorated to look like Buffy’s bathroom.

Tara (impressed): Wow…such a big bathroom.

Willow (smiles): Ready?

Tara: Yep.

She lays Dawn down on the changing table and untapes her diaper.

She takes her legs in one hand and, lifting her bottom from the changing table, she slides it out from under her.

Willow goes to start the water.

She places her elbow into the water to test the heat.

Willow (smiles): Just right.

Tara picks her up and sets Dawn in the tub.

Willow, taking a washcloth, begins washing Dawn’s stomach.

Tara, taking another washcloth, begins washing Dawn’s back.

As they continue washing Dawn:

Willow (smiles): I want one too.

Tara looks at Willow.

Tara (surprised): What?

Willow (smiles warmly): She’s–she’s so adorable…look at her…not a care in the world, she’s got no problems…I’d love to have a baby.

Tara: Are–are you sure, Willow? Babies are a lot of work, and a lot of responsibility. It’s not like at the daycare when you take care of them for eight hours then go home and sleep peacefully, no…you have to feed them, change them, there’s 3am feedings, 4am feedings…sometimes even 5am feedings…you have to get up in the middle of the night to feed them or change them…and forget about having a social life 'cause once you have a baby that’s all going to go out the window…and–and (voice breaking) before you have one, you better make sure that your parents are fine with it beforehand 'cause let me tell you…if they’re not…you’re…(through tears) screwed.

Willow (sensing something): Tara…

Tara (sniffles): Yeah…?

Willow: Did…did your mother have you at a young age…?

Tara lowers her head in shame and doesn’t bring it back up for the rest of her sentence.

Tara: She–she was 15…w–when she had me. I–I tr–tried to b–be a g–good b–b--baby, but sh–she didn’t…d–didn’t w–want anything to d–do with me…

Willow: Oh, sweetheart…

She hugs her.

Willow: I’m so sorry…

Tara accepts the hug, but doesn’t hug back.

Tara: And t–to m–make m–matters w–worse…

She hands Willow a picture of a toddler which looks about 3 years old.

Tara: I f–followed in her f–footsteps…

Willow looks at the picture in shock.

Tara exhales, and now can speak normally, seemingly after getting her confession out to her girlfriend.

Tara: I had him three years ago…before I met you. His name’s Michael. I got pregnant very young, Will, and I…I was faced with a choice…keep the baby, or give him up for adoption…I–I had already planned to give him up, but…once I held that little bundle in my arms…I–I thought I could handle it, I mean, taking care of a baby seemed so easy…but then, after I dealt with it head-on, I realized that I couldn’t do it, and that I wasn’t being fair to the parents who’d wanted to adopt him…so I gave him up to them.

Willow (smiles): That’s so sweet, Tara.

She looks at Dawn.

Willow (cooing): I think dis wittle one’s finished wif her baffie-waffie.

Tara (smiles, cooing): C’mon, sweetheart, let’s get you outta this big tub.

Tara picks up Dawn and Willow wraps her in a towel.

Willow (cooing): Let’s dwy you off, shall we?

Willow begins drying Dawn with the towel, and Dawn giggles happily as she does so.

Tara: We should get her in a new diaper.

Willow: Yeah, we wouldn’t want her pooping all over the motel room.

Tara (smiles): Right.

Tara and Willow go over to the changing table and lay Dawn onto it.

Tara takes a new diaper from the bottom of the changing table.

Willow takes Dawn’s legs in her hand and lifts her bottom from the changing table.

Tara slips the diaper underneath Dawn’s bottom and, after Willow lets go, brings it up through Dawn’s legs, taping the tabs closed.

Tara picks up Dawn and nuzzles against her chest.

Tara (cooing): Attagirl! Such a big girl!

Dawn’s face goes red.

Willow: You’re doing it this time.

Tara: Not a problem.

Dawn grunts and we hear the sound that she has pooped in her diaper.

Tara (cooing): Dawnie made a poopie, yes she did! And we’re gonna change you right now, sweetheart.

Willow (smiles): I’ll go back into the living room…hopefully the two girls are talking civilly to each other.

Tara (cooing): Let’s go get that nasty, icky, poopy, dirty diapie changed, my sweet wittle ladybug.

Dawn giggles happily.

Tara takes Dawn over to the changing table and lays her down.

She untapes her diaper and opens it.

Tara (cooing): Ooh…Dawnie did make a poopie! Yes, she did! (to the tune of "She’ll Be Comin’ 'Round the Mountain) Dawnie made a poopie, yes she did, yes she did/Dawnie made a poopie, yes she did, yes she did/Now that Dawnie’s made a poopie, we see her diaper is all droopy/We know that Dawnie made a poopie, yes she did!

Dawn giggles at that as Tara tickles her tummy.

Tara smiles.

She takes Dawn’s legs in her hand and, lifting her bottom from the changing table, she wipes her bottom with the clean end of the diaper and slips the diaper out from underneath her.

Tara (cooing): You’re such a good girl, you know that, sweetheart??

Dawn coos and babbles up at Tara.

We see drool running from her mouth.

Tara (smiles): Oop!

She takes a little napkin and wipes Dawn’s mouth.

Tara (cooing): There we are, little one.

She takes a box of baby wipes and, opening it up, takes a couple of wipes and wipes Dawn’s bottom.

Tara (smiles): There we go, honey…now it’s time for the powder.

She takes the baby powder and powders Dawn’s bottom.

Dawn giggles.

Tara then takes a new diaper from the bottom of the changing table and, opening it up and untaping both tabs, she takes Dawn’s legs in her hand and, lifting her bottom from the changing table, she lets go of her legs and brings the diaper up through them, taping it closed.

She picks her up and, taking her back into the kitchen, she puts Dawn’s shirt back on her.

Tara (smiles): Such a good wittle girl…yes you are…

She tickles her tummy and Dawn squeals happily.

Tara (cooing): What’d’ya say we go see how everyone else is?

She walks out into the living room.

Tara (concerned): Where’s Janice?

Willow (sighs): Her and M.J got into this big argument…well, Janice didn’t quit, but she is taking a (using quote marks) “leave of absence”.

Mary Jane walks over to Dawn and tickles her.

Mary Jane: Y’hear that, Dawnie?? For now, I’m gonna be your new babysitter!

Dawn squeals in delight.

Willow (giggles): Sounds like she’s happy about that!

Tara (wondering): Guys…I don’t mean to spoil the celebration, but…what’s happening with Buffy and Faith?


The door opens and Buffy walks in to find Faith sitting there.

Seemingly, she was watching the door for the entire time after the gang left.

Buffy (surprised): Faith…what’re you doing–

Faith (cutting her off): Waiting for you.

Buffy: I’m–I’m sorry, my errand ran long…

She takes off her jacket and hangs it up, but not looking at Faith.

Buffy: Where are the others?

Faith: I sent them to a motel for the night.

Buffy looks back at Faith.

Buffy: You what?? Faith, wh–why did you do that?

Faith gets up and walks toward Buffy.

Faith: Because you and I need to talk.

Buffy: I don’t have anything to talk about with you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going upstairs to take a shower.

She starts to go upstairs.

Faith (loud enough so that Buffy can hear): So, did’ya wish your mom “Happy Birthday” from me?

Buffy stops in her tracks.

Buffy (choking back tears): How…how did–

Faith: I know? (sadly) I saw you, B. At the cemetery.

Buffy turns to face her.

Buffy (offended): You–you were there? Watching me? Spying on me?!

Faith: I–I wasn’t spying, I was just–

Buffy (angry): Watching someone without them knowing! Now, I don’t know what kind of dictionary you have, Faith…but around here, that’s called spying!!

Faith: B…I–I was worried…you–you hadn’t been yourself lately…

Buffy: So that just gives you the right to follow me to my mother’s grave?! To spy on me without even giving me the courtesy of knowing you’re there?!

Faith: What was I supposed to do, Buffy?! You won’t tell me anything! I have to guess whether or not you’re feeling okay! You don’t tell anyone anything anymore! You shut out your friends, your family…everyone. I just…I just don’t get why…are you trying to keep us from finding something out?

Buffy walks down the stairs and stands at the bottom.

Buffy: I–I don’t know! Maybe I’m just afraid…

Faith: Afraid of what, Buffy?!

Buffy (angry, yelling, crying): Afraid of being labeled a failure!!

Faith walks up to Buffy slowly and takes her face in her hands.

Faith (surprised, calmly): What?? Sweetie…nobody labels you a failure…

Buffy (crying): Yes, they have. I’ve run from everything…when I killed Angel, I ran to L.A. When confronted by the gang about it, I started to pack to run away again…I quit my job as a Slayer when Giles told me I was gonna die…I quit my job at the Doublemeat Palace…I quit my job as a Slayer again when Wesley told me the Watcher’s Council couldn’t cure Angel…(crying) I’m–I’m nothing but a…(sobbing) quitter and a failure!

She breaks down, lowering herself to the floor, sobbing.

Buffy (sobbing): I was right! I’m not prepared for any of this!!! I can’t do it!!!

Faith picks up Buffy from the floor and pins her arms at her sides.

Faith: Now you listen to me, Buffy Summers! You are a fighter! You have always been a fighter! And no matter what, you can handle anything the Powers That Bite throw at you!!

She lets go of her arms.

Faith (tenderly) No matter what, I will be by your side, but if you’re going to start acting like a little girl and run from your problems…then I don’t know if I can help you.

Buffy (angry): Then you’re just as much a quitter as me!

She goes to slap her, but Faith grabs her arm.

Faith (while holding Buffy’s arm): Now listen, Buffy…I love you with all my heart and that’s one thing that will never change. I know you’re angry, but violence isn’t the answer…

Buffy goes to slap her with her other hand, but Faith grabs that arm and, after fighting with her for control, she finally pins her on the ground.

Faith: Now, listen, Buffy! We’ve all got demons…we’ve just got to find out what yours are and then find our own way to deal with them. Now, I love you, and I will help you with anything…no matter what. I promise.

She lets go and turns away from her.

Faith turns back to Buffy.

Faith: Oh my God…

We see Buffy on the floor, sucking her thumb…with a big wet spot on her jeans, babbling.

But we see one significant difference…

She looks approximately four months old.

Faith (still surprised): Oh my God.

Faith looks at the charm on the table that Willow left her.

She walks over to it and picks it up.

Faith: Well…now’s as good a time as any.

Faith gives the charm to Baby-Buffy.

Faith (smiles): Here, sweetheart. Hold it in your hand.

She hands Baby-Buffy the charm who holds it in her hand and squeezes it.

Faith takes Baby-Buffy’s hand and, in a flash of light, they disappear.


We see that the dimension that Baby-Buffy has chosen is that of a nursery.

A white-wooded changing table in the corner, a diaper pail easily accessible, a little sink with a baby bath slipped inside it, a rocking chair next to the mahogany-wooded crib, lined with Power Girl sheets and a Giga-Pet mobile.

Faith, while holding Baby-Buffy in her arms, takes her over to the changing table.

Seeing the changing table, BB begins to fuss and squirm.

Faith (soothing): Now, sweetie…you made a wee-wee and Auntie Faith is gonna help you so you don’t have to worry about it anymore. Don’t be scared, cutie…

She lays BB on the changing table and then removes a white, Huggies, disposable diaper from the bottom shelf on changing table.

BB whines and fusses, obviously afraid.

Faith (soothing): Sweetie, don’t worry. This is just gonna help you so you don’t go wee-wee or poopy all over the furniture.

As Faith begins to take her tiny feet, BB squirms and cries on the table.

Faith (calming): Shh…shh…it’s okay, sweetheart…Auntie Faith’s here…

She slips the diaper underneath BB’s bottom and, after taking the baby wipes and wiping her privates, along with powdering them with baby powder, slips it up through her legs and tapes it closed.

BB pouts and whines when she sees what she’s wearing.

Faith: But…I think we better put one more on ya…just to be safe.

She takes out another diaper from the bottom shelf of the changing table.

She opens it up and slips it underneath BB’s bottom.

She then brings it up through her legs and tapes it closed.

BB continues to whine and pout, so Faith picks her up and rocks her in her arms.

Faith tries to calm her by humming “Brahms’ Lullaby”, and it works.

BB is slowly closing her eyes.

Faith takes this opportunity to take her over to the rocking chair and sit with her on her lap.

She removes her shirt and undoes her bra.

Putting her once-was girlfriend up to her nipple, BB eagerly begins to take the milk that Faith has provided for her.

Faith (cooing): Attagirl…such a good girl…

Buffy coos around the nipple.

Faith: Auntie Faith loves you so much, sweetheart…no matter what, know that Auntie Faith will always be here for you…

Buffy, finished with her milk, fusses a little.

Faith: Aww…my wittle BB wants her paci. Here you go, sweetheart.

She puts a pacifier into BB’s mouth who eagerly sucks on it.

Shortly later, BB begins to cry.

Faith feels her bottom and smiles at her.

Faith (cooing): Somebody made a big pwesent fow Auntie Faith, didn’t dey? Yes, she did! Yes, she did!

Buffy giggles.

Faith: Let’s get you over to de changing table and we’ll get dat nasty-wasty diapie off you.

She takes BB over to the changing table and lays her on it.

Faith: Let’s get that diapie changed, honey.

She untapes the diaper and opens it, setting it aside.

She untapes BB’s other diaper and opens it.

Faith: Whoo…someone left Auntie Faithy a big pwesent!

BB giggles on the changing table, as she coos up at Faith.

Faith giggles.

Faith: Now let’s get that off you, little one.

She takes BB’s legs in her hand and, lifting her bottom from the changing table, she removes the dirty diaper.

Balling it up, she tosses it in the diaper pail.

She takes a box of baby wipes and, opening it up, takes two from the box.

She looks at BB and, with her legs still in her hand, begins wiping her bottom clean.

Faith (cooing): Dere we go…attagirl…

She takes a bottle of baby powder and begins powdering BB’s privates and bottom.

Faith (smiles): Such a good girl…

She takes the other diaper and, lifting BB’s bottom from the changing table, slips the diaper underneath it and brings it up through her legs, taping it closed.

She picks up Buffy, holding her in her arms.

Faith: You’re Auntie Faith’s special one, you know that?

She touches her nose and BB giggles.

Shortly later, BB begins fussing.

Faith: Aww…someone’s a tired little girl…c’mon, sweetie…let’s get you in your crib…

She takes her over to her crib and lays her inside it, tucking her in.

BB looks up at her, smiling.

Faith (smiles): I’m not gonna do it.

BB continues looking up at her.

Faith (smiles): Forget it.

BB continues looking up at her.

Faith (sighs deeply): Fine. (clears throat) (singing) Every single night, the same arrangement/I go out and fight the fight/Still I always feel this strange estrangement/Nothing here is real, nothing here is right/I’ve been making shows of trading blows, just hoping no-one knows/That I’ve been going through the motions/Walking through the part/Nothing seems to penetrate my/(holding note) Heart/(singing) I was always brave, and kind of righteous/Now I find I’m wavering/Crawl out of your grave/You’ll find this fight just/Doesn’t mean a thing/She ain’t got that swing/Thanks for noticing/She does pretty well with things from Hell, but lately we can tell/That she’s just going through the motions/Faking it somehow/She’s not even half the girl she–ow…/Will I stay this way forever?/Sleepwalk through my life’s endeavor/How can I repay–/Whatever/I don’t wanna (holding note) be…/Going through the motions/Losing all my drive/I can’t even see/If this is really me/And I just wanna (holding note) be…/A (holding note) live…

Seeing that BB has fallen asleep, she goes over to a bed and lays down in it, falling asleep.


Faith begins waking up.

She checks her watch and finds that it’s 7am (Her watch is in the time of her reality)

Faith: Oh my God…

She gets up and, going over to the crib, finds BB asleep.

She picks her up out of the crib and lays her down on the floor.

She untapes her diaper and takes it off of her, finding it dry.

She takes the charm she had earlier and squeezes it.

There is a flash of light.


Adult Buffy and Faith are standing there, with Buffy wearing the clothes that she was wearing before her breakdown [minus the wet spot on her jeans]

Buffy: F…Faith…oh my God.

Faith (smiles): Are you okay, Buffy?

Buffy hugs her tightly, crying happily.

Faith (chuckles): I’ll take that as a yes.

Buffy: I feel better than ever, Faith. Thank you so much.

Faith: No need to thank me, but in all seriousness, Buffy…I am not going to let you build yourself into a corner again. Once a week, we’re gonna go to that dimension…that way you can relieve yourself in private.

Buffy (smiles warmly): Deal. Thanks.

She hugs her.

The group, consisting of Mary Jane, Willow, and Tara, who is holding Dawn in her arms, walks in.

Dawn (squeals): Mommy! Mama!!

Buffy and Faith both run over to their daughter and kiss her and hug her many, many times.

Buffy: Oh, baby…Mommy missed you so much!

Dawn: Dawnie wuv Mommy…Dawnie wuv Mama…

Girls: Aww….

Willow (smiles): She missed you both so much.

Buffy: We missed her too.

She kisses Dawn’s cheek many, many times.

Faith (confused): Wait–wait, guys…where’s Janice?

Willow: It…

Tara: It’s a long story…

Buffy: Well, you can tell it to us on the way. We’ve gotta get to work.

Mary Jane (smiles): All of us?

Buffy (grins widely): That’s right, M.J. You’re coming with us!

Mary Jane hugs her.

Mary Jane: Thank you so much!

Buffy: No need to thank me, M.J. I’m happy to do it. Now let’s go before we get fired.

The group all shares a laugh, walking out of the house.

Buffy closes the door.


Eliza Dushku as Faith
Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers
Amber Tamblyn as Janice
Kirsten Dunst as Mary-Jane Watson

3 New Applicants, 1 New Light, and New Trust Between Two Friends Print

The two girls, with Dawn sitting up on the changing table, are getting Dawn dressed for daycare.

Buffy (cooing, to Dawn): Yeah…how’s my wittle girl?

She tickles her, and Dawn giggles.

Buffy: You’re gonna have a fun, fun time at daycare today, isn’t that right, sweetie?

Dawn squeals with laughter.

Faith (smiles): You certainly seem in good spirits this mornin’, B.

Buffy: You know what? (pleased) I am, and I owe it all to you, Faith.

She kisses her.

After getting Dawn dressed, she takes her downstairs, with Faith following behind.

Willow, Tara, and Mary Jane are downstairs getting ready.

Seeing Dawn, they all immediately come over to her and begin cooing and babbling to her.

Buffy (smiles): Morning, guys.

Willow: Hey, you two.

Buffy (concerned): How’s Janice?

Tara: She still won’t come out of her room. (sighs)

Buffy: Here, Will…

She hands Dawn to Willow.

Buffy: Take Dawn, and you guys go. I don’t want you to be late.

Willow: What’re you gonna do, Buffy?

Buffy: I gotta go talk to Janice.

She sighs and goes to Dawn’s old room.

She knocks on the door.


Janice is lying on her bed, looking up at the ceiling.

Janice (absently): Come in.

Buffy opens the door and walks in.

Buffy: Janice, we need to talk.

Janice turns away from her.

Janice: We don’t need to talk about anything.

Buffy sits on her bed.

Buffy: Yes, we do. We need to talk about why you were so mean to Mary Jane last night.

Janice: I wasn’t mean to her! And even if I was, she started it!

Buffy sighs deeply.

Buffy: Now can you tell me…why is it you have such a problem with Mary Jane?

Janice: Because she’s so much better with her than I am!

Buffy: Do you think that maybe she’s better with her than you are because she never knew the real Dawn? The one that you knew? Maybe the reason you have such a problem with Dawn is that you’re still viewing her as your best friend. The first step of that is that you’ve got to let go of that feeling, Janice. The Dawn we knew is, to put it in the simplest terms, gone. Now…okay, treat this as if someone close to you had died. You wouldn’t spend your time thinking that they were still there, would you?

Janice (sadly): No…

Buffy: And if someone had said to you that they were still alive, you’d disagree, wouldn’t you?

Janice: Yeah…

Buffy: Because they’re not, Janice. It’s just like this. If you don’t realize, deep down, that Dawn is really gone…then you’ll never get over it and then Dawn and you will have this extremely awkward feeling toward each other.

Janice: So…what you’re saying is, I shouldn’t be treating Dawn like my best friend, I should just treat her like the other kids I babysit?

Buffy (smiles): Exactly!

Janice hugs Buffy.

Janice: Thanks, Buffy. You’ve really helped.

Buffy: That’s what I’m here for.

Janice lets go and Buffy stands up.

Buffy: Now, listen…I’m gonna go to work. You’ll be okay here?

Janice: I’ll be fine.

Buffy: Okay. See you later.

She starts to walk out.

Buffy: Oh, and Janice?

She stops walking out and turns to her.

Buffy (suggesting, warmly): Apologize to M.J. The two of you got off on the wrong foot and, I think now that you know the reason for it, I think you two could easily become very good friends.

Janice (smiles): Thanks.

Buffy: See you when we get back.

Janice (smiling): Bye!


Buffy walks in to find three new girls standing in front of her.

Buffy (confused, smiles): Um…hello?

Rory: Sorry about that. (smiles) I’m Rory Gilmore.

Paris: I’m Paris Gellar.

Vada: And I’m Vada Sultenfuss.

Buffy: Hi. (smiles a little): I’m Buffy Summers.

She shakes their hands.

Buffy: I’m guessing you three are new here?

Rory: Yep

Paris: I’m just here for community service. I’d rather deal with kids than old people…at least the diapers are smaller.

Buffy (surprised): Co–community ser–service?

Paris: Yeah. That’s the last time I punch a cop, I’ll tell ya that.

Buffy looks really surprised.

Emma walks over to the four of them.

Emma: Buffy, you made it! Fantastic! (smiles)

Buffy: Yeah, I know…sorry about the late-itude, but there was a problem at home.

Emma: No worries. Now, I want the three of you to start looking after the kids for about an hour. After that, we’ll move you up to changing them.

Paris: Oh, good…changing their clothes, that’ll be easy.

Rory: N–no, Paris…changing their diapers.

Paris: Ew!! Gross!!

Rory (chuckles): Paris, it’s not as disgusting as people would make you believe.

Vada: Yeah, it’s actually really adorable. I’ve changed my little brother a lot. Unfortunately, he’s still not out of diapers, so I still gotta change him…but it’s so cute to see him like that.

Rory (smiles): Is he changed on a changing table?

Vada: Yeah, we still gotta strap him down, though…but it’s adorable the way he squirms and cries as we try to change his diapers. Just like a little 2-year-old.

Rory giggles.

Rory: I’m sure that’s really adorable. (smiles) Um, we never introduced ourselves. I’m Rory Gilmore, and this is Paris Gellar.

Vada: I’m Vada Sultenfuss.

Rory (smiles happily): Nice to meet you. Well…shall we go over there and keep an eye on the kids?

Paris: Okay…but I’m not changing any diapers.

Rory: Don’t worry, Paris; we’ll just let the other attendants know, then they’ll do it.

Buffy walks over to Emma.

Buffy: What happened to Valerie?

Emma: I suspended her after she slapped Dawn.

Buffy (smiles warmly, appreciative): Thank you.

She hugs her.

Emma: No problem, Buffy. I know what it’s like to worry about protecting your young.

Buffy (smiles): You have kids of your own?

Emma: No, but I’ve got a baby brother, and I feel like he’s part of me. (smiles)

Buffy: Aww, that’s so sweet. How old is he?

Emma: 13 months.

Buffy (smiles): That’s a cute age.

Emma smiles.

Emma: Now, I’m gonna have you four look after the toddlers, okay?

Willow (smiles): That’s gonna be fun.

Mary Jane (smiles): This is gonna be so great…finally getting experience with different ages.

Tara (grins): That’s going to be adorable, watching all those little guys and gals.

Faith (slowly lets a smile escape her lips): Yeah…it’ll be interesting…

Emma: And Buffy? You’ll deal with the kids 3-6.

Buffy: Um…okay…

Emma: The only catch is that there are some in each age group who aren’t potty-trained, so you’ll have to…

Buffy: Change their diapers…got it. No–no problem.

Emma (smiles): Good. Everyone get to work.

Meanwhile, over on the other side of the centre, Rory, Paris, and Vada are looking after the kids.

Rory (smiles widely): They’re all so adorable!

Paris: They’re so tiny. Can’t these kids just grow up?

Vada (smiles): They all remind me so much of my little brother…I love kids. (to Rory) Don’t you?

Rory: Yeah, they’re so cute. I used to baby-sit, but I never sat for any kid five or younger. My mom didn’t think it was a good idea 'cause then she thought that I’d get attached to the kid, then wanna have a kid of my own, then end up like her…y’know?

Vada: Yeah, I understand what’cha mean.

After a few minutes, Paris sniffs and plugs her nose.

Paris: Ew, gross! Rory, what’s that smell??

Rory leans down and picks up a toddler.

Rory (cooing): Is that you, little one? Did you mess your Pampers? (smiles) Don’t worry, we’re gonna get that all cleaned up. Come over here with Rory and she’ll get you in a clean diapie.

She lays the toddler down on the table.

Paris: Wait, Rory…aren’t we supposed to just watch the kids? I mean, Emma never said anything about…

Rory: Paris, I’m not gonna leave this little guy in a dirty diaper even though we’re not supposed to change them. I couldn’t do that to him.

She takes off his overalls and sets them aside.

She untapes his diaper and opens it up.

Paris: Oh my God! (covers nose) (nasally) That is the grossest thing I have ever seen!

Vada (giggles): It’s not so bad…once you get used to it.

Rory: She’s right, Paris. I’ve seen Sookie and Jackson change Davey before, and it was a little gross at first, but I realized, there’s nothing wrong with it.

Paris (groans): If you say so.

Rory takes the baby’s legs in her hand and, lifting his bottom from the table, slips the diaper out from underneath him.

She then balls and tapes it up, tossing it in the diaper pail.

Taking a box of baby wipes, she takes out a few wipes and, while still holding the toddler’s legs, wipes his bottom clean.

Paris: Ew…

Vada (smiles): You’re gonna have to do this too, Paris.

Paris: No way, not me…never.

Vada: And unfortunately some little kids aren’t as docile as that one. Some kick…some squirm…some thrash around…some even fling their poo at you.

Paris (laughs sarcastically): Like monkeys??

Vada: Mm-hmm.

Paris: You can’t be serious.

Rory takes the baby powder and powders the toddler’s bottom.

Rory (smiles): Such a good boy, yes you are…

She takes a new diaper and opens it up, untaping the tabs.

She raises his bottom from the changing table and slips the diaper underneath.

Bringing it up through his legs, she tapes the tabs closed.

She puts back on his overalls and sets him back down.

Emma comes over to Rory.

Emma: Rory, that was amazing! I never knew you had such a way with diapering children!

Rory (smiles): Well, it’s not that hard to learn.

Emma: I’m going to move you up into looking after the toddlers with Mary Jane, Willow, and Tara.

Rory (smiles): Thank you.

Emma: No need to thank me. I’m just happy to have such an enthusiastic go-getter on my team.

She walks off.

Rory looks at Paris and Vada.

Rory: Guess I’ll be…goin’ over there.

She starts to leave.

Paris: Wait, Rory!

Rory stops and looks at Paris.

Paris: What if one of them…y’know…fudges their Pampers?

Rory (smiles): Then change them, Paris. You’ve seen me do it. It can’t be that hard. Just…trust your instincts.

She walks over to join the other four.

Rory: Hi. I’m Rory Gilmore.

MJ: Mary Jane Watson.

Willow: I’m Willow Rosenberg.

Tara: I’m Tara Mclay.

Faith: I’m Faith Lehane.

Rory: It’s nice to meet you guys. (smiles) So what’re we doing here?

Willow: Basically, we’re just keeping an eye on the toddlers…making sure nobody gets into anything…making sure everyone’s happy…just making sure everyone’s, in general, okay.

A 2-year-old boy comes up to Mary Jane.

Mary Jane kneels down to him.

Mary Jane: What’s wrong, sweetie?

Boy: I done poopy in diapie…

Mary Jane: Aww…well, it’s okay. If you come with me, I can get that all cleaned up for you.

She picks him up and, taking him over to the changing table, lays him down on it.

She untapes his diaper and opens it.

Mary Jane (grins): Somebody made a big poopy.

The boy giggles.

She takes his legs in her hand cleans his bottom with the clean half of the diaper and, raising his bottom from the changing table, slides the diaper from underneath him.

The boy coos and gurgles up at M.J.

MJ (smiles warmly): You’re such a cutie…yes you are…yes you are…

After disposing of the dirty diaper, she tickles his tummy, and the boy rewards her with a happy giggle.

Rory (watching M.J): She’s really good with him.

Willow: Yeah, she’s had a lot of practice with Buffy’s daughter.

Rory looks back at Willow, surprised.

Rory: Buffy has a daughter…?

Willow: Yep!

She picks up Dawn and holds her.

Willow (baby-talk): Dawn, meet Rory. (normal voice) Rory, meet Dawn.

Dawn (smiles and coos): Hi…

Rory (smiles warmly): Hi there, little one. (to Willow) She’s so adorable…

Willow (smiles): Yeah…yeah, she is.

Rory: How old is she?

Tara: She’ll be a year on July 16th.

Rory (smiles): She’s so cute…can–can I hold her?

Willow: I don’t see why not.

Willow hands Dawn to Rory, who holds her expertly.

Rory (cooing): Hey there, little one. (smiles) My name’s Rory. Can you say Rory?

Dawn: Wo…wy.

Rory (smiles): Oh my God, she said my name!

Willow (giggles): She’s an awfully quick learner.

Meanwhile, Mary Jane puts the boys pants back on him and picks him up from the changing table.

Mary Jane: There ya go, sweetheart…yeah…

She walks back over to the group.

Mary Jane (smiles happily): There. Kevin’s all clean.

Willow: So where do you hail from?

Rory: I actually live in a town in Connecticut called Stars Hollow. My friend Paris lives in Newport, about 20 minutes away. We actually both just finished our first year at Yale. Before that we’d attended Chilton Preparatory Academy.

Willow: Chilton…I think I’ve heard of that…isn’t that a Catholic school?

Rory (smiles): Nope…just a very, very exclusive private school…but it’s not all that bad. I met some great people, like Paris…

She points over to Paris, who’s standing there extremely bored.

Rory: Her and I graduated Co-Valedictorians.

Tara (smiles): That’s great! Congratulations!

Rory (grins): Yeah, it was awesome. Once we graduated from high school, we went to Yale for a year, then when we finished, Paris wanted to go to England, but I convinced her to come here for vacation. And we needed jobs, and we learned that the daycare centre was hiring. (smiles) I love kids and, well…Paris is a different story…

Faith: We wouldn’t want you to betray any confidences, Rory. We can ask her ourselves, and she can make that decision whether she’s ready or not.

Rory (smiles): Thanks, Faith.

Meanwhile, over in Buffy’s neck of the woods, she’s trying to keep a whining four-year-old girl still on a changing table.

Buffy (calming): Shh, shh…sweetie, I know you don’t wanna be changed, but you’ve got a really poopy diaper and Buffy has to change you, otherwise you’re going to get a diapie rash…you don’t wanna get a rash, do you?

The four-year girl shakes her head ‘no’.

Buffy: Attagirl. Now Buffy needs you to stay still so we can get you changed.

She takes her pants off and sets them aside.

Buffy: Now let’s get that diapie off you…good girl…(cooing) yeah…

She untapes the girl’s diaper, and opens it up.

Buffy (smiles): Whoa…someone made a big poopy in their diapies…don’t worry, though, Caitlin, we’re gonna get you all cleaned up…

Taking Caitlin’s legs in her hand, she lifts her bottom up from the changing table and tosses her dirty diaper in a diaper pail.

Opening the box of baby wipes, she takes out a few and begins wiping the mess from Caitlin’s bottom.

Buffy (cooing): Such a messy wittle one!

Caitlin giggles as Buffy tickles her tummy.

Buffy smiles and continues wiping the poop from Caitlin’s bottom.

After she’s finished wiping Caitlin’s bottom, she takes a bottle of baby powder and powders her bottom many times.

Buffy (giggles): Big puff!

Caitlin giggles and squirms a little on the changing table.

Buffy: Such a cute wittle girl…

She tickles her tummy and Caitlin giggles.

She then takes a clean diaper from the bottom shelf of the changing table, and, opening it up, she takes Caitlin’s legs in her hand, and lifting her bottom up from the changing table, she slides it under her bottom and, bringing it up through her legs, tapes it closed.

She picks up Caitlin and nuzzles her against her chest.

Buffy (smiles): You’re such a good wittle girl…yes, you are…yes, you are…

She sets her on the floor and pats her bottom.

Buffy (giggles): Now go play with the other kids, sweetheart.

Caitlin toddles off.

Buffy smiles.

Meanwhile, over with Vada and Paris…

Paris: This is all we’re gonna be doing?

Vada: Unless they ask us to do something else, so far that’s all we’re going to be doing…

Paris: This is so boring, though!

Vada: I know, Paris, but…(sighs) never mind. It’s not worth repeating myself.

Paris (sniffs): Gross! Which of them fudged their pants?!

Vada (sighs): I don’t know, Paris…we’re gonna have to check.

Paris: I’ll make you a deal. Who ever finds the one with the crapped diapers, changes the little stink bomb.

Vada (exhales): Fine.

Paris picks up a toddler, who squirms and fights in her arms.

Paris: Stay still!

She puts the toddler’s bottom up to her face and sniffs.

Paris (sighs with relief): Thank God. It’s not her.

She sets her down.

Vada picks up a 2-year-old boy.

She puts the toddler’s bottom up to her face and sniffs.

Vada (smiles): Ooh…someone needs a change.

Paris (teasing): Ha! You get to change him!

Vada takes the boy over to the changing table, bouncing him in her arms.

Vada (to Paris): I don’t care, Paris. I don’t mind changing diapers.

She lays the toddler on the changing table and takes off his pants, putting them aside.

The toddler coos up at Vada.

Vada (cooing): Yes…you went poopy in your diapies, but it’s okay, 'cause Vada’s gonna change you…yes, she is…yes, she is…

She tickles the toddler’s tummy and the toddler squeals happily.

Paris (disgusted): How can you deal with this?

As Vada untapes the diaper:

Vada: It’s easy, Paris…you just gotta build up an immunity to it. (smiles)

She wipes the toddler’s bottom with the clean end of the diaper, then she takes the toddler’s legs in her hand and, lifting his bottom from the changing table, takes the dirty diaper out from under him.

She balls it up and hands it to Paris.

Vada (smiles): Can you toss this, Paris?

Paris: Ew….where does it go…?

Vada: Just over there in the diaper pail.

Paris goes over to the diaper pail and opens it up.

Getting a glance of the dirty diapers inside it, she drops the diaper in the pail and, covering her mouth, immediately runs to the bathroom to throw up.

Vada (cooing): Paris is a silly girl, isn’t she, honey? Yeah….yeah, she is…

She tickles the toddler’s tummy, and he giggles happily.

Vada takes the box of baby wipes, and removes a few from it.

Vada (smiles): Let’s get your dirty bottom all clean, sweetheart.

Taking the toddler’s legs in her hand and lifting his bottom from the changing table, she wipes his bottom clean with baby wipes.

Vada (cooing): You’re such a good wittle boy…yeah…

She takes a bottle of baby powder and powders the little guy’s bottom.

Vada (smiles): Attaboy…

She takes a new diaper from the bottom of the changing table and opens it up.

She untapes the tabs and, taking the toddler’s legs in her hand, lifts his bottom from the changing table and, slipping the diaper underneath his bottom, brings it up through his legs and tapes the tabs closed.

She then puts his pants back onto him and, picking him up, tickles his tummy, being rewarded with a happy giggle from the toddler.

Vada sets him on the floor and pats his bottom.

Vada: There you go, sweetheart…

Paris walks out of the bathroom and back over to Vada.

Paris (sighs deeply): That’s better.

Vada: Paris, it’ll just take some time to get used to it.

Paris: I–I can’t do this anymore…this is just…disgusting…

Vada: They can transfer you to another section if you have a problem with the diapers. You can have you feed them or put them to bed…something like that. You just have to go and ask someone.

Paris: Fine, I will.

She goes over to Emma.

Paris: Emma, I gotta talk to you.

Emma: What’s up, Paris?

Paris: I need to talk to you about the area you put me in.

Emma: If you’ve got a problem with it, I can place you somewhere else. Like keeping an eye on them while they sleep, feeding them…

Paris: I’ll take the “keeping an eye on them while they sleep” job. (smiles)

Emma: Okay. One thing, though…you must change at least one diaper

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Adventures in Scooby Sitting

Happy Birthday To Dawn!

Buffy and the group are putting up decorations.

Buffy (pleased): I can’t believe it…it’s so incredible…

Faith: I know, B…it seems like just yesterday we were changing her diapers.

Buffy (smirks): Faith…that was yesterday…and this morning…and the morning before that…

Faith (grins): You know what I mean…it’s just…hard to believe…(to Buffy) Let go?

Buffy: Yep. (smiles) It’s incredible.

They drop a banner revealing the words “HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY DAWNIE” on it.

Buffy (smiles): Really incredible.

The door unlocks and opens.

Willow and Tara walk in.

Willow: Hey, guys.

Buffy (smiles): Hey, Will! How was the convention?

Willow (grins): It was so fun! Buff, you should’ve been there!

Tara: Yeah, it was incredible. All the artifacts…just amazing.

Buffy (smiles): So, did’ya meet anybody down there?

Willow (sheepish): Um…yeah.

The Charmed Three walk in.

Buffy (unsure what to say): Um…hi.

Piper (smiles): Hi. I’m Piper Halliwell, this is my sister Phoebe, and my other sister Paige.

Wyatt coos in the stroller.

As she unbuckles him and takes him out of it, holding him in her arms:

Piper (grins): And this little guy…is my son, Wyatt.

Buffy (smiles): Well, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Buffy, this is Faith, Mary Jane, and Janice.

Dawn coos in MJ’s arms.

Buffy walks over to her and picks her up, holding her.

Buffy: And this little peanut is my daughter Dawn. (smiles, cooing) Dawnie, say ‘hi’ to the nice people.

Dawn coos at them, and they smile back.

Piper (cooing): Well, hi there, sweetheart. (smiles)

Dawn fusses and hides from her.

Buffy (calm): She’s just a little shy around strangers.

Piper (smiles): I know how she feels. Wyatt does the same thing. Look, um…Buffy…(serious) Could we talk to you in private?

Buffy: Of course.

She hands Dawn to Willow and then walks into the kitchen with Faith.

Piper: Now…we’re not here as a coincidence.

Buffy (confused): No?

Faith: Then if you’re not here by coincidence, then what’s the deal?

Piper: My sister Prue, may she rest in peace…came to us and told us to attend a witches’ convention and that we would meet the two connected with the Slayer. We met your friends and traveled back with them to tell you of the events.

Buffy: Those would be what…?

Piper: She explained to us that there is an ancient prophecy that speaks of the eventual union of the daughter of two Slayers and the son of a Charmed One and a White-lighter. This union shall result in the birth of a child of great power. A child who is destined to tilt the balance between light and darkness for all time. With its parents by its side, if the child is raised by the forces of light with those values in it. Then this child will bring about Utopia to this dimension and the forces of darkness will lose their foothold here for all time.

Buffy: So…you’re saying that in order for the forces of darkness to lose…my daughter and your son have to sleep together?

Phoebe: Not just that…they have to marry as well.

Buffy (shocked): Well, I can’t have her get married yet! She’s not even out of diapers, for God’s sake! Not only that, I don’t even know you people!

Faith: This is unbelievable! Y’know what I think? I think you three are just a bunch of con artists lookin’ to pawn your spawn of Satan off on some unsuspecting family by tryin’ to dazzle us with your cockamamie storytelling!

Piper (angry): Now you listen to me, Faith…my son is nowhere near the spawn of Satan and we are not con artists. If you don’t believe us, ask Tara and Willow. We told them everything and they still believe us. (sighs) Please…can’t you give us a chance to at least understand where we’re coming from?

Buffy (sighs deeply): Okay…okay, we’ll give you a chance. Explain your story one more time.

Piper: Okay…(sighs) Evil wants Wyatt and Dawn. They don’t want to kill them, because they CAN’T…so they think the next best thing to do is to raise them. For lack of a better term they want them to turn to the “Dark Side”. So they will raise their child in the study of the Dark Arts…hence triggering the extinguishing of the light for all time and evil’s eternal reign in this dimension.

Buffy (sighs deeply): I gotta sit down…

Faith: Y…yeah, same here…

They both sit.

Piper: I understand how you feel but the way to live with this knowledge is, look at it this way: if we do our jobs well and raise these two with love and the right set of values, then the battle’s already over and the good guys won.

Buffy (touched): You’re right…I never thought of it that way.

Faith smiles.

They walk back out into the living room.

Piper: And guess what? (grins) With the insurance money from the house and the club, I bought the Bronze and…y’know that old mansion?

Buffy: The one on Crawford St.

Piper: Yep. (smiles) I bought 'em both.

Paige: We figured it would be nice to take an active role in the town we’ll be living in.

The Scoobies cheer with delight.

Buffy (smiles, near tears): Excuse me…

She goes into the bedroom and begins to shed tears of relief.

Faith walks into their bedroom and hugs her, allowing Buffy to continue to cry.

Faith: I–I never…B…I never ever thought you were this worried about me…(speaks silently) Thank you, PTB…for sending the Charmed Ones to us…thank you…

Buffy (teary-eyed): I’m always worried about you…

They kiss passionately.

One meant to convey all the deep love, hope and promise that sometimes two people so deeply in love can’t adequately express the depth of that love merely with words.

Faith (smiles): What’d’ya say we go back downstairs, huh?

Buffy (grins): Y…yeah.

Faith wipes Buffy’s eyes and kisses her, and the two walk hand-in-hand, downstairs.

Buffy: Okay, guys! Let’s party!!

Piper (grins): You two are havin’ a party?

Buffy (grins): Actually, yep! It’s little Dawnie’s birthday!

Piper (cooing): Aww…happy birthday, sweetie! (to Buffy) How old is she gonna be?

Buffy: She actually turned a year old on the 16th, but we couldn’t throw a party because of all the chaos we were dealing with so it’s a belated party.

Phoebe: That’s so sweet, Buffy…(smiles) You guys are so awesome.

Paige: Hey…would you guys like some help with everything?

Buffy: That would be great! (grins) Okay, I’ve taken care of the cooking…

Faith: Um…B?

Buffy: Yes, Faith?

Faith: I don’t know about your cooking…

Tara: Yeah…it’s kind of…

Buffy (offended): What’s wrong with my cooking?

Tara: N–nothing, it’s just that…well…some people might find your cooking a little bit…

Buffy: What?!

Willow (searching for the right word): …different.

Phoebe: Guys, don’t worry. Piper is a whiz in the kitchen. She can cook us up a meal that’s fit for Jesus Christ himself.

Willow (giggles): Then I don’t know if I wanna eat it if it’s gonna be my “Last Supper”.

Buffy (imitates rimshot): Ba-dum-bum.

Piper: I can make a meal for both groups to enjoy…little finger foods for the kids, and other food for us. I can also make her cake if you want.

Buffy (smiles): No, Piper, that’s all right…

Piper: No, Buffy, please…I insist…

Buffy: No, Piper, you don’t have to, really…

Dawn: Choc-wate!

Buffy (giggles): I guess Dawnie wants chocolate cake.

Piper (smiles widely): Then I guess I’ll be doing a chocolate cake…

Buffy (smiles): Piper, I said you didn’t–

Piper (warmly): I know you said I didn’t have to…I want to. That’ll save you lots of money…more money for presents for Dawnie.

Buffy: You’re right, Piper. (grins) Go ahead, go nuts. Make the cake, the snacks…(smiles) Make everything. (laughs)

Piper (giggles): No problem.

Buffy: We should get everything set up. The guests’ll be here soon.

Willow: That’s a good idea.

Dawn squeals happily in Willow’s arms.

Willow (cooing): That’s right, cutie! You excited for your birfday party?

She tickles her and Dawn giggles happily.

Buffy (smiles): I guess we should get her ready for the party.

Faith (smiles): Good idea, Buff.

Dawn’s face, all of a sudden, goes red.

Phoebe smiles.

We hear the noise signifying that Dawn’s dirtied her diaper.

Buffy (giggles): We can start by changing her diaper.

Willow (cooing) Ooh! (baby-talk) Feels wike wittle Dawnie did a doody her Pampers! Do you need a change, sweetie? (smiles) Yeah, c’mon, let’s go change dat 'tinky diapie. C’mon, yeah…

She takes her over to the couch and lays her down, untaping her diaper.

Buffy (giggles): Careful of the couch, Will.

Willow (smiles): Aw, don’t worry about it, Buffy. She’s gonna be a good girl. (baby voice) Aren’t you, cutie-pie? Yeah…yes, you are…

She begins wiping Dawn’s bottom with the clean end of the dirty diaper.

She pokes Dawn’s tummy and she giggles happily.

Piper looks over at Willow and Dawn.

Piper (smiles): She’s so adorable…

Willow (cooing): Yes, she is…

She continues baby-talking to Dawn as she wipes her bottom.

Willow (giggles, baby-talk): Someone’s a dirty baby!

Buffy giggles and smiles.

Buffy (grins): But she’s Mommy’s wittle baby, isn’t that right, sweetie?

She walks over to Dawn and kisses her forehead.

Willow takes a new diaper from the package by the couch and opens it up, untaping the tabs.

She takes Dawn’s legs in her hand and, lifting her bottom up, she slips the diaper under her bottom and brings it up through her legs taping it closed.

Willow picks her up and takes her back to Buffy, handing her back.

Willow: Here, sweetheart…go back to your Mommy.

Dawn (squeals happily): Mommy!

Buffy takes her, holding her in her arms.

Buffy: Yeah…(cooing) Hey, sweetheart…you ready for your party?

Dawn (bouncing happily): Yay! Birfdee!

Phoebe smiles.

Phoebe: That’s so adorable.

Buffy (grins): Let’s get everything finished before everyone arrives.


The group is standing around the hotel.

Fred is standing near Angel, Gunn and Wesley, holding Connor in her arms, diaper bag over her shoulder.

Angel, Gunn and Wesley are standing by the door.

Cordelia comes downstairs.

Cordelia (smiles, squeals): This is gonna be so fun! (giggles)

Fred: I know what you mean, Cordy. Dealing with all those little angels…

Connor squeals happily in Fred’s arms.

Fred: I think this little guy wants to get goin’.

Angel: Okay, Fred. Everyone ready?

Cordelia: Yep.

Gunn: Heck, yeah.

Wesley: Certainly.

Angel (cooing): How 'bout you, Connor? You ready to go to a party?

Connor giggles.

Angel: Let’s go for it, then.

Cordelia: We can put the car-seat into the back of our car. Fred’ll ride with me and you boys can ride together.

Gunn kisses Fred.

Gunn (smiles, sweetly): I’ll miss you.

Fred (sweetly): I’ll miss you too. (smiles)

Cordelia (grins): C’mon, guys! Let’s go!

Angel (laughs): All right, all right!

The gang leaves the hotel.


All of the decorations are set up and it looks incredible.

Willow (smiles): I think we did a pretty good job.

Tara (grins, impressed): Yeah, and nobody used any magic to get it done. We did it ourselves with our own two hands.

Buffy: Yeah, it was really rewarding to do all that ourselves.

Faith (rubs her wrists): Speak for yourself, B. (groans)

Buffy (grins): Oh, c’mon, Faith…you had fun, admit it…

Faith (smiles): Okay, you’re right. It was pretty cool to do all that by ourselves.

Dawn squeals with excitement.

Faith (giggles): Take it easy, Munchkin; the party doesn’t start for another two hours.

Dawn cries.

Buffy: Aww…sweetheart…don’t worry. (smiles) We’ll all be here and we can have a great time before everyone shows up.

She tickles Dawn’s tummy and she squeals happily.

Buffy grins.

Buffy: But…if you’ll excuse us, we need to get little Dawnie here fit for company.

Faith (smiles): That’s right, we do…and you know what that means, Dawnie?

Dawn looks confused.

Buffy (smiles widely): That’s right…it’s time for a bath.

Dawn cries as Buffy starts walking to the bathroom, with her in her arms and Faith following close behind.

Buffy (cooing): Don’t worry, peanut…you’ll get to see everyone when we come back out.

Piper (smiles): Enjoy your bath, sweetie!

Willow: We love you, Dawnie!

Dawn continues to cry as Buffy, Faith and Dawn enter the bathroom.

Buffy lays Dawn on the changing table and untapes her diaper.

She takes it off of her and then, after Faith has started the water, lifts her up off the changing table, taking her over to the bathtub and sets Dawn down in it.

Dawn giggles and begins splashing the two Slayers.

Buffy (giggles): You like that, don’t you sweetie?

She splashes her back and Dawn squeals happily.

Faith smiles and begins washing Dawn.

Buffy also, taking a cue from Faith, washes Dawn as well.

Faith (grins): So ya gonna have a clown for the party?

Buffy: Probably not. I mean, even though a clown would be great for them, I don’t think it would be a good idea seein’ as how we’re in such a financial crunch. But it’ll still be a really fun party, I’m sure.

Faith (smiles): Yeah, I’m sure you’re right.

Buffy begins washing Dawn’s hair, moving her head back and washing her hair expertly.

Faith (admiring): You’re getting really good at that.

Buffy (smiles, pleased): I think I’m gettin’ really good at the whole aspect of it.

Faith (smiles): You really are, Buffy.

Finished with the bath, she takes Dawn out of the tub and dries her off with the towel.

Buffy (smiles, cooing): Such a good girl…yes, you are…

She kisses Dawn’s forehead.

After satisfied that she’s completely dry, Buffy takes Dawn over to the changing table and pulls out a new diaper.

Dawn fusses and cries.

As she points at the diaper:

Dawn (whines): No!

Buffy (smiles): No, sweetie…you need a diapie for your party. You don’t wanna be runnin’ around naked as a jaybird…(chuckles) So we gotta get this on ya.

Dawn: No!

Buffy (chuckles): Yes, sweetie…we have to.

Faith: Ya gotta wear a diaper, Dawnie; otherwise you’d be poopin’ and peein’ all over the house when you’re seein’ your friends and you don’t want that. So just be a good girl and Mommy and Mama’ll get you in this new diaper.

Dawn (whines): No…

Buffy (sighs, to Faith): Okay, this isn’t getting us anywhere…(to Dawn) Honey, we need you to be a good girl and hold still.

She opens the diaper and untapes the tabs.

Dawn continues to cry.

Faith takes Dawn’s legs and Dawn begins kicking.

Buffy: Sweetie, no…hold still…

She slips the diaper underneath Dawn’s bottom.

Buffy (quickly): Let go.

Faith quickly lets go of Dawn’s legs, leaving her kicking angrily.

Dawn (whining): No!

Buffy (cooing): Yes, sweetie…it’s okay, don’t worry…

She quickly brings the diaper up through Dawn’s legs and tapes the tabs closed.

She slips a cute yellow dress over Dawn’s head.

She picks her up from the changing table and carries her out to the rest of the group, with Dawn still crying.

Willow and Tara come over to her immediately.

Tara (cooing): Whatsa matter, baby?

Buffy (frowns): She doesn’t wanna wear a diaper.

Tara (supportively): Aww…sweetie, I know you wanna run around naked, but you’re gonna be havin’ people here for your birthday party, and it wouldn’t look good if everyone else was wearin’ clothes and you weren’t…know what I mean?

Dawn: Y…yeah.

Tara: So tell ya what, Dawnie…wear the diaper while your friends are here and after they’re gone, you can take it off. (smiles) Deal?

Dawn (excitedly): Deaw!

She starts taking it off.

Tara: No, no, sweetie…take it off after the party. (smiles) Okay?

Dawn (nods, smiles): Otay.

She tapes it back on.

Tara (smiles): Attagirl.

Wyatt cries in Piper’s arms.

Faith (smiles): Whoa…

Willow (plugs nose): Yow!

Piper (giggles): Smells like we got another candidate for a diaper change.

Tara (smiles): Aww…

Piper: I’ve gotta get the stuff started, can one of you change him?

Tara: Sure, I’ll do it.

Piper hands Wyatt to Tara.

Wyatt continues crying and reaching for his mommy.

Piper: Aww, sweetheart, it’s okay; Mommy’s gotta get stuff for the party started, but Tara’s gonna change you, okay?

Wyatt continues to cry.

Tara: Aww, cutie…don’t worry…I’m very skilled at what I do. Now let’s get ya changed, ya stinker. (giggles)

Piper hands Tara the diaper bag.

Piper: Here you go, Tara; his diapers are easily accessible.

Tara (smiles): Thanks, Piper. (to Wyatt, smiles) Let’s go get’cha changed, sweetheart.

She takes Wyatt into the bathroom and lays him on the changing table.

Wyatt squirms and cries.

Tara (comforting): Aww, Wyatt…don’t worry. I’ll get this done quick, but in the meantime, I need ya to hold still for me.

Wyatt continues squirming on the changing table, trying to escape.

Tara (smiles): Don’t worry, cutie…I’m very quick and gentle.

She places her hand on his stomach and begins to slip off his pants.

Wyatt continues to kick and cry.

Tara: Yeah, I know you don’t like it, sweetie, but don’t worry…I’m gonna be done real soon.

She removes his pants and sets them aside.

Tara: Now first thing I’m going to do is untape the left tape of your diaper, okay, Wyatt?

She pulls apart the left tab.

Tara: Now I’m untaping the right tab.

She pulls apart the right tab.

Tara: Now I’m going to open your diaper.

She opens Wyatt’s dirty diaper.

Tara (giggles): Somebody had a big breakfast, didn’t they?

She tickles him and he giggles.

Tara: Now I’m grabbing your legs with my free hand…

She grabs his legs.

Tara: Now I’m going to wipe your bum with the clean part of the diaper, and get rid of all that icky poop.

She wipes Wyatt’s bottom with the clean end of the diaper.

As she balls it up:

Tara: Now I’m rolling it up, taping it closed…and now I’m going to get rid of it.

She tosses it underneath her into a wastebasket.

Tara takes the box of baby wipes and opens it.

Tara: Now I’m taking these baby wipes and now I’m going to wipe your bottom even more clean.

She begins wiping his bum with the baby wipes.

Tara takes the bottle of baby powder and shows it to Wyatt.

Tara: Now I’m going to take this baby powder and powder your bottom so you don’t get an icky diapie rash.

Wyatt giggles.

Tara, realizing that Wyatt seems calm enough, takes her hand off of Wyatt’s stomach.

She powders his bum with baby powder.

Tara: Now I’m gonna take a diaper from your diaper bag that your Mommy gave me and we’re gonna get it on your bum.

Tara picks up the diaper bag and takes out a new diaper.

Tara: Now I’m opening it up so I can put it on you…

She opens the diaper up.

Tara: Now I’m going to untape the diaper tapes so that way I can tape it on you; that way it doesn’t fall off that wittle bottom of yours.

She begins untaping the diaper tapes.

We see her rip one tape.

Tara (giggles): That’s one…

She rips the other tape.

Tara (smiles): That’s two.

She smiles at him and tickles his tummy, and Wyatt giggles.

Tara: Now I’m going to take your legs in my hand again and lift your bottom up from the changing table so I can slip this new diaper underneath your bum.

Her right hand grabs Wyatt’s legs and lifts his bottom up from the changing table.

She slips the diaper underneath his bottom and lets go of his legs.

Tara: Now I’m going to bring the diaper up through your legs…

She brings the diaper through his legs.

Tara: Now I’m going to tape your left diaper tape closed…

She tapes his left diaper tape closed.

Tara (smiles): Now I’m going to tape your right diaper tape closed.

She tapes his right diaper tape closed.

Tara (grins): All done, sweetie! All I gotta do now is put your pants back on.

She slips his pants back on and picks him up, fixing them so they don’t fall off.

She takes him in her arms and brings Wyatt back outside.

Tara (grins): Guess who I got?

Piper comes back into the living room and sees Wyatt and Tara.

Piper (smiles): Hey, sweetheart!

She kisses Wyatt’s forehead.

Piper: Were you a good girl for Tara?

Tara (smiles): He was such an angel. He was a little fussy at first, but then as I explained what I was doing, he calmed down.

Piper (cooing): Such a good boy, yes you are!

She kisses him and tickles him.

Wyatt giggles happily.

Piper: Well, I gotta get back into the kitchen; I just wanted to see what was goin’ on with you two.

Tara (smiles): Yep, we’re havin’ a great time.

Piper kisses Wyatt’s forehead and walks back into the kitchen.

Willow (smiles): So what kinda entertainment were you gonna have for the party, Buffy?

Buffy: Probably not much. After all, it is her first birthday, so I don’t think she’ll really remember it.

Willow: So it was just going to be us and Dawn?

Buffy: Actually…well…it’s gonna be us, plus some other kids from Dawnie’s daycare. So maybe about…30 kids…more or less.

Willow: Wow. (smiles) Do you think we can handle all those kids?

Buffy: I’m sure we can, Will. After all, it won’t just be us here…Piper, Phoebe, and Paige are here too.

There is a knock on the door.

Buffy goes to the door and opens it.

Angel and the group is on the other side.

Angel (smiles): Hi, Buffy.

Buffy (surprised): Angel? Oh my God…

She hugs him.

Buffy (near tears): I’m so sorry for everything I said to you earlier…I–I never meant any of it.

Angel continues rubbing her back.

Angel: Shh…shh…I know, Buffy…it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.

Buffy sniffles and sighs deeply.

She lets go of him and wipes her eyes.

Buffy: I’m just really glad you’re here.

Angel (smiles): I wouldn’t miss Dawn’s first birthday.

Buffy (chuckles): Thanks. So who’d you bring?

Angel: I’ve got, well…me, Gunn, Cordy, and Fred. (smiles) Lorne had to stay behind and finish rebuilding Caritas.

As Fred walks in holding Connor:

Fred (smiling): Look who else’s here…

Buffy/Willow/Tara/Janice/M.J/Piper/Phoebe/Paige: Awww….

Paige (smiles): What a little cutie!

Willow: He’s such a sweetheart!

Tara (smiles): Aww…he’s adorable, Angel.

M.J: Such a cute little guy, Angel…you’re so lucky.

Piper (smiles): He’s adorable, Angel…

Phoebe: Aww…(smiles) He’s so cute…

Fred: Everyone…this…is Connor.

Buffy (smiling widely): He’s soooo cute, Angel!

Fred (grins): Oooh….

Buffy: What’s wrong?

Fred holds Connor up to her, so he’s staring right at Fred’s face.

Fred (cooing, smiling): Somebody needs a wittle diapie change.

Cordelia (giggles): What’s it feel like to ya, Fred?

Fred (smiles a little): Feels like a wet one.

Buffy (baby-talk, smiling): Aww…did wittle Connor have an ac-fee-dent? Aww…(smiles, to Angel) Can I change him? Please, Angel?

Angel (surprised): Y…you? You want to change him?

Buffy (smiles): Yes, please…

Angel (unsure): I don’t know, Buffy…

Buffy (smiling sweetly): Pretty please with sugar on top?

Angel (sighs, chuckles): Go ahead.

Buffy (squeals happily): Yay!

She takes Connor from Fred and holds him in her arms.

Connor cries and whimpers.

Buffy (sympathetic): Aww, don’t you worry, little man; we’re gonna get that wet diapie off you as soon as possible.

Fred hands her the diaper bag.

Fred: Make sure to use the diapers that Angel got for him. He’s more comfortable with those than any other brand.

Buffy: No problem. What brand does he use?

Fred (giggles): Huggies.

Buffy (smiles, nods): No problem (baby-talk, to Connor) C’mon, sweetie pie…

She takes him up to her and Faith’s room and lays him on the changing table.

Connor fusses and whimpers.

Buffy (soothing): I know, sweetie, I know…don’t worry…Auntie Buffy’s here and she’s gonna clean you up, so don’t worry.

Connor looks at Buffy and, almost like he knows who she is, and begins to smile up at her.

Buffy (smiling sweetly): Aww…you have such an adorable smile, sweetheart…

She removes his shirt, setting it aside.

She takes his pants off and sets them aside.

She untapes his diaper and opens it up.

Buffy (giggles): Whoa, we got a regular Niagara Falls here!

She tickles his tummy and he giggles.

She takes his legs in her hand and, lifting his bottom from the changing table, slips the diaper out from underneath him.

She balls it up, tapes it closed, and tosses the used diaper into the diaper pail.

Still holding his legs, she takes the baby wipes and wipes his bottom clean.

Buffy (smiles): Such a cute wittle guy you are…yes, you are…

She throws out the used baby wipes in the garbage and she takes the baby powder and powders his bottom.

Connor giggles happily.

Buffy (smiles): You’re so adorable, Connor.

She takes a new diaper from his diaper bag and opens it.

She untapes the tapes and opens the diaper up.

Buffy (giggles): Here we go, sweetie.

Lifting his bottom from the changing table, she slips it under him.

She brings it up through his legs and tapes the tabs closed.

She picks him up from the changing table.

Buffy (cooing, smiles): You were such a good boy, Connor.

She kisses him and walks downstairs.

Buffy (smiles): Connor’s adorable, Angel.

Angel (grins): Yeah, he’s so sweet.

Buffy: He really takes after you.

Fred: He’d have to; he’s Angel’s son.

Buffy looks at Angel.

Buffy: Your…your what?

Angel sighs and lowers his head.

Angel: Yes.

He looks at her.

Angel: Connor is my son.

Buffy hands Connor to Fred quickly.

Buffy (sniffles): Ex…excuse me…

She rushes off upstairs.

Faith looks at Angel.

Faith (disgusted): You snot.

She rushes upstairs and hugs Buffy as she continues to cry.

Faith: Buffy…shh…it’s okay…

Buffy: How is it okay?! He had sex with someone else! I–I…(sighs deeply) I can’t forgive him for that….

There is a knock on the door.

Faith (smiles): Sounds like the party’s gonna start. You ready for it, B?

Buffy: Y…yeah. Just…just gimme a minute.

Faith kisses Buffy.

Faith: Okay, I’ll be downstairs, sweetie.

She goes down the stairs to the rest of the group.

She goes to the door and opens it.

She sees Emma and Holly on the other side, with Emma holding her baby brother.

Faith (grins widely): Emma! Holly! What a pleasure to have you two here!

As she tickles Emma’s baby brother’s chin, he giggles happily.

Faith: And who is this little cutie pie?

Emma: This is Ben. (smiles) Ben, this is your big sister’s friend Faith. Can you say ‘hi’ to Faith?

Ben: Hi…

Faith (smiles): Well, hi there, sweetie…

Emma sniffs.

Emma (chuckles): Uh-oh…somebody needs a change.

Faith (cooing) Was that you, Ben? Did you poopy in your diapies? (smiles)

She tickles him and he giggles.

Emma (chuckles and smiles): Where can I change him, Faith?

Faith: Just go ahead and use the sofa. Nobody else is really here yet. Buffy’s upstairs getting ready and the rest of the group is in the other room getting dressed.

Emma takes Ben over to the couch and lays him down.

Emma (seriously): I’ve actually gotta talk to you about two other party guests, Faith…

Faith: What’s up?

As Emma removes Ben’s shorts:

Emma: Well…they’re two friends of mine, Jenna and Camryn, and…

As she untapes Ben’s dirty diaper:

Emma: …well, their parents’ psychologist has told me that the two of them, well…

Faith: Yeah?

As Emma wipes Ben’s bottom with the clean end of the diaper:

Emma: They’ve been regressing at times. It doesn’t always happen, but sometimes it does…and that can lead to all sorts of things from them: thumb-sucking, baby-talk…even wet pants.

Willow (frowns): That’s so sad…w…why do you think that they regress like that?

Emma: Well, they’re both adopted and they were abused a lot as younger children and due to that, they ended up regressing as a way to deal with it.

Faith: So what’re you suggesting?

As she takes Ben’s legs in her hand, lifting his bottom up from the sofa:

Emma: What I’m suggesting is that after they get here, if they start to show the slightest…

As she wipes Ben’s bottom clean with baby wipes:

Emma: …signs of regression. Like, not cooing or baby-talk or anything like that, but the more obvious ones…

She takes out a new diaper from the diaper bag and unfolds it and we hear her ripping the diaper tapes.

Emma: Pants-wetting, thumb-sucking, drooling…something like that. Encourage it because then they’ll feel more at home.

She takes Ben’s legs in her hand and, lifting his bottom up, slips the diaper underneath him.

Emma: Now they may slip into their normal child personas while regressing, but, depending on the situation, you have to try your best to ignore it.

She brings the diaper up through his legs and tapes it closed.

Emma: So basically just follow the doctor’s orders and if they start to regress…let 'em.

Faith: Got it. (nods) No problem at all.

Emma tickles Ben’s chest and he giggles happily.

She lifts him up and, taking the dirty diaper in her other hand, looks at Faith.

Emma: Um, where can I toss this?

Faith: There’s a diaper pail in the bathroom, just down the hall.

Emma: Thanks.

She goes to the bathroom and tosses the diaper into the diaper pail, coming back to the group.

Faith (smiles): I’m so sorry…how rude of me. Allow me to introduce you to everyone. Emma, Holly…this is Angel, Fred, and Cordelia.

Fred: Hey…where’d Wes and Gunn go?

Cordelia: Probably got lost. You know men…

Angel (offended): Hey! Man here…

Cordelia: Oh, please! You’re a v–

Angel: Cordy…

Cordelia: …very important man who doesn’t need to ask for directions. (low whisper to Fred) 'Cause of that vampire sense of smell. He can smell his way somewhere.

Angel: Besides, they should be here by now; Wes, Gunn, and I were all in the same car,

Fred (worried): Then what’s keeping them?


Gunn and Wesley are outside by the car and Wesley is changing a tire.

Gunn: Damn, English…what made you think you could change a tire in the first place?

Wesley: You needn’t worry, Gunn. The tire didn’t make any noticeable sounds while we were driving. We still have ample time to change it before going in for the party.

Gunn: I know that Angel’s gonna be makin’ some noticeable sounds when he finds out what you did to his leather interior.

Wesley: It was a sharp turn! There was nothing I could do about it.

Gunn: Still, I ain’t never seen no 38-year-old dude wet himself before.

Wesley: I’m just glad we had a change of pants in the trunk.

Gunn: So am I. Are you done yet, Wes? I wanna get my groove on.

Wesley (chuckles softly): You’ll hardly be getting your groove on when you see what kind of party this is.

Gunn (suspicious): Why? Wha’chu talkin’ 'bout, Wesley?

The tire fixed, Wesley stands up and brushes his hands off.

Wesley: You’ll see. Follow me.

Wesley walks in, with Gunn following.

The two walk into Buffy’s house and Gunn sees the decorations.

Gunn (surprised): Wes, you ain’t never told me this was a kiddie party.

Wesley (smirks): Is there a problem with that?

Gunn: Nah, I just thought it was a regular birthday party with…

Wesley: Alcohol?

Gunn: Yeah.

Wesley: You’ll probably want to be drinking once you see what we’ve got to deal with.

Gunn and Wesley walk up to Fred.

Gunn: Hey, baby.

He kisses her and she kisses him back.

Fred: Hey, sweetie. How’d the drive up go?

Gunn: Oh, good. Good, y’know, no problems at all.

Fred (smiles): That’s good.

Gunn: So…this is Dawn’s birthday party?

Fred (smiles widely): Yep! She turned a year old on the 16th, but since the group’s had so many things to deal with over these past few weeks, they couldn’t get the party up and runnin’ until now.

Gunn: Well, it ain’t like she can tell the difference anyway. (chuckles)

Fred (giggles): That’s true.

Gunn: Well…I’m gonna go…look around.

Fred (smiles): Okay, sweetie.

She kisses him.

Fred: Have fun.

Gunn starts walking around the party and runs into Holly.

Gunn: Hey, there.

Holly (giggles): Hi.

Gunn: I’m Charles.

Holly (smiles warmly): I’m Holly.

Gunn: Your little brother’s adorable.

He points to Ben.

Holly (giggles): He’s not my brother…he’s actually not even related to me. (laughs)

Gunn (interested): Really?

Holly: Yep. Actually, the only relative I’ve got is my sister Valerie.

Gunn: Oh…what–what happened to your parents?

Holly: It…it’s a long story.

Gunn (sensing something happened): I’m sorry to hear that…

Holly (sniffles): Thanks.

Gunn hugs her supportively.

Holly hugs him back.

Holly (sniffles): Y…you wanna know the worst part?

Gunn (supportively): What?

Holly: T…today w–would’ve been their…t–t--two year anniversary.

Gunn (unhappy): Oh, man…

He continues hugging her, rubbing her back.

Gunn: I’m so sorry…

There is a knock on the door.

Faith goes to the door and opens it and finds Janice’s mother holding Janice’s little sister in her arms.

Faith (pleased): Mrs. Whitman, what a pleasant surprise!

Mrs. Whitman: I–I can’t stay, I’ve got to go to work…I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind looking after Kara during the party.

Faith takes Kara from her.

Faith: Oh, not a problem at all. (smiles) I’m sure Janice would love having her little sister here.

Kara begins crying in Faith’s arms.

Mrs. Whitman (comforting): Sweetie, don’t worry…Mommy will be back soon and your big sister’s going to be here to take care of you…

Faith (smiling): Yeah, sweetie…plus we got a whole bunch of other kids coming for Dawnie’s birthday. We’re gonna play games, and we’re gonna have lots of fun!

Kara continues crying.

Mrs. Whitman (sighs, unhappy): Maybe I should just go…

Faith: Don’t worry, Mrs. Whitman; I can probably calm her down.

Mrs. Whitman (smiles): Thanks, Faith. You’re a lifesaver.

She sets her diaper bag by the door.

Mrs. Whitman: I put the diaper bag by the door.

She kisses Kara.

Mrs. Whitman: Okay, sweetheart…Mommy’ll be back to pick you up later.

She hugs her.

Mrs. Whitman: Mommy loves you, honey. (smiles) You be a good girl for Auntie Faith and your sister.

She kisses her forehead and then leaves, closing the door.

Kara continues crying as Faith bounces her in her arms.

Faith (comforting): Aww, sweetie…don’t worry. Mommy’ll be back soon. Don’t worry.

Janice walks into the living room.

Janice (smiles): I heard the door close…did we get another party guest?

Faith (grins): Yep!

She looks at Janice, with Kara in her arms.

Janice (giggles): Kara!

Kara (squeals): Sissy!!

Janice rushes over to Faith and, scooping Kara out from her arms, spins her around happily.

Janice (cooing): How’s my wittle sissy?

Kara (coos): Good…

Janice (smiles): That’s good, sweetheart. Have you be a good girl for Tiffani?

Kara: Me been good giwl.

Janice (cooing): Attagirl…you need a changing?

Kara (pouts): Yeah…

Janice: It’s okay, sweetheart…Janice knows Mommy’s been helping you with your potty training, and I totally understand…don’t worry at all, honey; accidents happen. (smiles) Now what’d’ya say we go get that Pull-Up changed, huh?

Kara (nods slowly): Otay…

Janice: Okay, sweetie…are you really, really wet?

Kara (pouts, nods): Yeah.

Angel (making an excuse): I’m gonna go to the bathroom.

Wesley (making an excuse himself): Yes, I believe I’ll join you…I–I mean, I think I’ll go and get myself something to drink…

The two walk off, leaving Faith, Janice, Kara, Emma, Ben, Fred, Connor, and Cordy alone together.

Janice: Okay, sweetie…now we gotta change you. You ready?

Kara (can’t believe it): Hewe??

Janice: Yeah, sweetheart…we can’t leave you in that wet Pull-Up for too long…

Fred: Yeah, she’s right, honey…you could get a rash if you stayed wet for too long.

Kara: Me no cawe! Me wanna 'tay wet!

Janice: Sweetie, no you don’t…trust me, it’s not that good of a feeling.

Emma: C’mon, honey…just let your sister change you into a new Pull-Up and then you can go and play with Dawnie.

Kara (pouts): No!

Janice: Sweetie, your sissy would love to change you on the changing table, but I don’t want to keep you in that wet Pull-Up for a minute longer…just lay down here and we’ll get it all fixed up.

Kara: No!! No wanna!

Janice: Kara…okay, you’re my sister and I love you, but you need changing and you’re going to get a new Pull-Up whether you like it or not. Fred, can you get me a changing mat? They’re over by the cupboard.

Fred: No problem.

Kara: No! No wanna new Puww-Up!!

Janice: Sweetie, you need a change, so just calm down and hold still for your sissy.

Fred comes back with the changing mat and sets it on the floor.

Janice lays Kara on it.

Janice: It’s okay, Kara…hold still…

Kara fights and struggles against her sister’s advances.

Kara: No!!! Me no want!!

Janice: Don’t be a bad girl, Kara…just relax and this’ll be over real quick…

Kara continues kicking wildly.

Kara: NO!!!

Fred (sweetly): Kara, sweetie…we need to get you out of that…just be a good girl and hold still.

Kara, as she kicks wildly, kicks Fred in the face.

Fred (pained): Ow!!

Janice (annoyed, under her breath): Okay, that’s it. (angry) Kara, hold still right now or I’m gonna pin you down and force you into six diapers! Now hold still!!

She pins her down as Kara continues to kick.

Janice: Fred, Emma; hold her down. Cordy, distract her. I’ll change her.

Fred: Are–are you sure?

Janice: Just do it! (sighs) Please.

Fred: Okay.

Fred and Emma go to Kara and gently hold her steady as she continues kicking and screaming.

Janice: Where’s the diaper bag?

Janice takes the diaper bag that her mother gave to Faith.

She digs around inside it, looking for a diaper or a Pull-Up.

Janice (sighs): I can’t find anything in here for her to wear…(disappointed) Sweetie…looks like Mommy forgot to pack your Pull-Ups…we’ll have to put you back into diapies until we can get you a new pack.

Kara kicks and squirms like there’s no tomorrow at that news.

Kara (crying): No!!! No wanna diapies!! Not baby!!! No!!!

As Fred and Emma continue trying to hold her steady, Cordy continues trying to distract her by cooing and making faces at her, but Kara doesn’t seem to be taking to it.

Cordelia (sighs): This isn’t working…

Janice: It doesn’t matter if it’s working…it just matters that we get her changed.

Janice pulls the left side of her Pull-Up off [she’s got those Velcro-sided Pull-Ups], then the right side.

She folds it up and gets up.

Janice: Holly??

Meanwhile, Holly, over with Gunn…

Holly (sighs, to Gunn): I’m so sorry, could you excuse me for a second?

Gunn (smiles): Sure.

Holly walks over to Janice.

Holly: What’s up?

Janice: Can you keep an eye on Kara? I gotta get rid of this Pull-Up.

Holly: No problem. (cooing): Hi, sweetie!

Kara spits in Holly’s face.

Holly (sighs deeply, looking at Janice): Is she okay?

Janice: She’s just a little unhappy about being put back into diapers.

Holly: “A little” is under-exaggerating.

Janice: Just…(sighs) watch her for a minute, please?

Holly: No problem.

Janice: Thanks.

She leaves the room and goes to the bathroom, dropping the Pull-Up in the diaper pail.

Meanwhile, back in the living room, Kara somehow breaks the grip of Fred and Emma and is now running through the lower level of the house, screaming…but without a diaper on.

Janice (sighs deeply): Unbelievable…

She walks out of the bathroom just in time to grab her sister in her arms, with Kara kicking and screaming.

Kara: NO! No, pwease!! No want!!! (crying)

Janice (talking over Kara’s loud voice): Sorry, sweetheart, but Mommy foolishly didn’t leave you any Pull-Ups. So, we gotta put you back in a diapie…but just for now, sweetheart…don’t worry.

Kara (crying): No! Pwease, no…

Janice: Sorry, Kara…I’ve got nothing else for you to wear…

Faith tosses Janice the diaper bag, who catches it.

Janice: Now let’s go get that diapie on you, cutie-pie…

She takes her into the bathroom and lays her on the changing table.

Kara fusses and squirms.

Janice (sighs deeply): I know, sweetheart…I know this is probably not what you had in mind and I’m sure this makes you feel like even more of a baby, but I promise you…that wasn’t the way I wanted it to appear to be. I’m only using the changing table because it’s easier for me to do this when you’re lying down. (smiles a little) But, hey…there’s nobody else here. Just you and me. (smiles) Doesn’t that make you feel better?

She tickles her tummy and Kara giggles a little.

Janice (smiles): Attagirl…ready for your diaper?

Kara pouts.

Janice kisses Kara’s forehead.

Janice: Sweetie, I promise you…I promise you that you’ll only have to wear this for tonight. Then when Mommy comes to pick you up, I’ll tell her about her little boo-boo and she can go and get you three crates of Pull-Ups. (giggles) How’s that sound, huh?

Kara (smiles a little bit): Otay…

Janice (sweetly): Yeah? Is that okay?

Kara (smiles): Yeah.

Janice (cooing): Attagirl…such a good girl, yes you are…

She kisses her and then, taking her legs in her hand, lifts her bottom from the changing table, slips the diaper underneath her.

Taking the baby powder and baby wipes from the shelf below where Kara is laying, she places the bottle and box on the top of the changing table.

Kara fusses.

Janice: Aww, honey…don’t worry…this powder’s just to prevent diaper rash. And these wipes are just so we can get your bottom all clean.

Janice takes the wipes and wipes Kara’s bottom clean.

Taking the powder, she then shakes a little onto her bottom.

She puts them aside, then takes out a new diaper.

Kara, not wanting to watch the indignity that she’s about to suffer, covers her eyes with her hands.

Janice (smiles): Don’t worry, Kara…it’s just for today, I promise.

She untapes the diaper tapes and opens the diaper up.

She lifts her bottom from the changing table and slips it under her bottom.

Bringing the diaper up through her legs, she tapes it closed.

Kara fusses and pouts.

Janice picks her up and hugs her.

Janice (smiling): You were such a good girl for your sissy, sweetie…I’m so proud of you.

She kisses her.

She washes her hands [and Kara’s] in the bathroom sink.

Janice: What’d’ya say we go out and see the others, huh?

Kara (smiles): Yeah…

Janice (cooing): Yeah, c’mon, let’s go.

They walk out to find two more party guests have arrived, along with two other kids.

The first is a brunette, cute, slender, looks around 19.

The second is a blonde, long hair pulled back in a pony-tail, slender, looks around 19 as well.

The brunette walks up to Janice and shakes her hand.

Brunette: Hi, um…I’m Josephine Smith…you can call me Joey, though; and this is my friend April Dixon.

April: Hi, um…we’re here for the Summers birthday party? This is the right day, I hope?

Janice: Yeah…(smiles) yes, it’s the right day, don’t worry. (smiles, adoring) Those are beautiful children.

April: Thank you, this is my little sister, Amy.

Janice (smiles): She’s gorgeous. How old is she?

April: 6 months.

Janice (smiles, to Joey): And who’s this little guy?

Joey: This is my little brother, Alex.

Janice: And how old is he?

Joey: He just turned 2 last month.

April (sniffs): Uh-oh…

Joey (confused): What’s wrong, April? (the smell hits her) Whoa…(exhales) Okay, never mind.

April: Okay, somebody’s got a dirty diaper…who is it?

Alex fusses and squirms in Joey’s arms.

Joey (giggles): Guess we found the culprit, c’mon little man; let’s go get you changed.

Alex (fusses): No!

Joey: Yeah, buddy…it’ll be okay. You’re gonna like bein’ in a new diaper…c’mon, don’t be a fussy Gussy for me…

Alex continues squirming in her arms, trying to escape.

Joey (to Faith): Um, I’m sorry about this…I’m Joey, that’s April, this is Alex…um…where can I change him?

Faith: Anywhere’s fine, but if privacy’s a big issue, the bathroom down the hall is good. There’s a fully-stocked changing table in there.

Joey: Okay, thanks. (cooing, to Alex): C’mon, sweetie! Let’s go get that diaper changed.

She takes him, bouncing him up and down, into the bathroom as Alex continues squirming in her arms.

She takes him into the bathroom and lays him on the changing table.

Alex squirms on the changing table, trying to get up.

Joey: No, no, little man…no squirming…remember the deal?

Alex, still squirming and fighting his sister, now begins crying.

Joey (warning tone): Apparently not.

She takes a pacifier and puts it into his mouth.

She fastens him to the changing table using the changing table strap.

Alex kicks and struggles against the restraint.

Alex (through pacifier): No!

Joey: Yes, sweetheart…remember, we had a deal. The next time you fought either me or Audrey while we tried to change you, you would not only get strapped down, but we would put a pacifier in your mouth. Now, do you wanna try for the dress?

Alex (feared, through pacifier): No!

Joey: Then stop squirming!

She slaps his thigh and Alex cries through the pacifier.

Joey (sighs): I’m sorry, sweetie…

She kisses his thigh.

Joey: But I gotta get you into a new diaper…can you just stay still for me, buddy? Can you, please?

Alex nods a little.

Joey (smiles warmly): Attaboy.

Joey slips off his pants, setting them aside.

She untapes his diaper tapes and opens it up.

Joey (giggles): Whoa…somebody made me a whole batch of chocolate pudding.

She tickles his tummy and he giggles.

Joey: Let’s get’cha cleaned up, little man, shall we?

She takes the clean end of the diaper and wipes his bottom with him, making sure to get all the excess poop off his bottom.

Joey (smiles): Attaboy, just stay still for Jo-Jo and she’ll get you all clean.

She, after taking his legs in her hand and lifting his bottom from the changing table, slips the diaper out from underneath him.

After balling it up, she tosses it into the diaper pail and then reaches for the box of baby wipes.

She takes a few wipes and begins wiping Alexander’s bottom free of the mess.

Joey (giggles): You made such a mess, sweetie. I hope you don’t give Audrey this much trouble!

Alex giggles.

Joey tosses the wipes into the trash then gets the bottle of baby powder.

She then powders his bottom.

Joey (smiles): That’s just so you don’t get a rash, sweetheart.

She then takes a new diaper out from the diaper bag and opens it up.

Untaping the diaper tapes, she takes Alex’s legs in one hand and lifts his bottom up from the changing table.

She then slips it underneath his bottom and then brings it up through his legs, taping both of the diaper tapes closed.

Slipping his pants back onto him, she picks him up and nuzzles him against her chest.

Joey (giggles): You were such a good boy, Alex!

She turns on the tap and begins to wash her hands, as well as Alexander’s.

Joey (cooing): Now what’d’ya say we go back out to the group, huh?

Alex nods and Joey tickles his tummy, making him giggle.

Joey (smiles): C’mon, buddy. Let’s go join the others.

She walks back out to the group, struck with an odor.

Joey (grimaces): Clearly not the right time to come back out.

April looks up at Joey from the couch, as she changes her sister’s diaper.

April (smiles): Yeah…sorry, Jo. If–if you wanna go back in, I’ll knock when we’re done here.

Joey: Oh, it’s no big. (smiles) I’ve done it a thousand times myself.

April (chuckles): True. At least she’s more docile this time than she was before.

Joey: Well, she’s just testing her boundaries. (smiles) That’s the only way she can feel she can have any fun at that age.

April (grins): But the only thing is…I’m not her mother; I’m her sister.

Joey (smiles warmly): Well, I think it works for anyone in this case, Jen.

April looks up at Joey.

April (sighs): Joey, I told you I hated that name.

Joey (smiles): Then you should’ve changed it.

April: I did change it…you know that. I changed it to Courtney, but some people just didn’t want to listen to me when I told them.

Joey: Well, I like “Jen” better than “Courtney”.

April, finished with changing her daughter, picks her up and kisses her.

April (cooing to Amy): Such a good girl, yeah…

Fred (smiles): She’s so cute.

April: Thanks.

Janice: I should’ve introduced everyone first…this is Faith, Winifred, Charles, Holly, Wesley, Angel, Cordelia, Emma, and Buffy’s upstairs somewhere.

Buffy walks downstairs.

Buffy: I’m here.

Angel: Buffy, I–

Buffy (ignoring Angel): New guests? (smiles) Who’ve we got here?

Janice (chuckles): This is Joey, Emma, Josephine, April, Amy, and Alex.

Buffy (smiles, pleasant): Welcome to the Summers house, guys.

There is another knock on the door.

Buffy: I’ll get it.

She walks to the door to find two adult females [around 21-22 years] and three girls…one who looks around 15, one who looks around 14, and the other who looks around 11. The 11 year old is holding a baby, who looks around 2 years old, in her arms.

Buffy: Hi. Um, you must be here for Dawn’s birthday?

Sami (smiles): That’s right. I’m Samantha Reed and these two adorable little ones are my daughters. This is Jenna and Camryn.

Jenna: Hi.

Camryn (smiles): Hi.

Buffy: Hey there, guys. (smiles)

She sees the toddler in Jenna’s arms.

Buffy (smiling): And who’s this little sweetheart?

Jenna (giggles): This is our little brother Noah.

She notices Ruthie and Serena standing behind them.

Buffy (smiles): And who is this?

Serena (smiles): This little one is Ruthie. I’m looking after her while her parents are out of town.

Buffy: Hi, Ruthie. (grins) And how do you three know Dawn?

Jenna: We knew her in school.

Sami (pleased): Yes, my little Jenna got promoted to high school after being so incredibly brilliant.

Buffy (chuckles uncomfortably): Well, congratulations to you, Jenna. (smiles) Would you like to come in and meet everyone, ladies?

Serena: No, thank you; we’re on our way to a business meeting.

We hear a voice from the hallway.

Angel (shocked): Oh my God…

He walks up to Serena.

Angel (surprised): Kate?

Serena (embarrassed): I–I’m sorry. You must have me confused with someone else…

Buffy (in a hurry): Well, I’m sure you have to get going, nice meeting you two; don’t worry, we’re gonna take care of your little angels. (to the girls) Girls, why don’t you go into the living room? We’ve got snacks and drinks set out for everyone.

The girls go into the living room happily.

Buffy closes the door and angrily turns to Angel, taking his hand and dragging him into another room…away from other people.

Buffy (hushed whisper): What is wrong with you?!

Angel (innocently): What?? All I said was “Kate”…

Buffy: I know she looks like Detective Lockely too, but did I say anything? No, I didn’t. You know why? Because what would that have accomplished? I would’ve looked like an idiot. I mean, sure…there are times when I’m watching “Austin Powers 2” and I think I see Oz…or when I’m watching “Summer Catch” and I think I see Riley…or…even when I’m watching “Honey I Shrunk The Kids” and think I see my mother! I don’t say anything because you know what it is?? Nothing but a coincidence!! Angel, you gotta let this Kate thing go! Drop it! Move on! Leave it the Hell alone!!

Angel (getting angry): I think you’re the one that needs to leave it the Hell alone. You’ve been up in your room sulking like some pathetic, hormone-driven teenager!

Buffy: Well, excuse me if the news of you having a son didn’t devastate me a little!

Angel: I’m sorry to bring it up like this, but how’d you want me to tell you?! “Guess what Buffy? I’m actually not babysitting, he’s my son.”? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense!

Buffy: I just…(sniffles) I just didn’t…I couldn’t…I…Angel, why…why didn’t you tell me?

Angel (sighs): I didn’t think there would be any purpose…I–I mean, you’re here in Sunnydale, I’m in L.A…two totally separate lives…I didn’t think it would have accomplished anything besides getting each of us mad at the other.

Buffy: Well…(soft chuckle) mission accomplished.

Angel: So…what’re we gonna do about this?

Buffy: There’s nothing we can do about it. All we have to do is put it aside for the sake of Dawn.

Angel: You’re right. There’s no use in letting our childish argument ruin her party.

Buffy (nods): Exactly.

There is a knock on the door.

Buffy (sighs): Ready?

Angel: Always.

Buffy: Think you can be civil for the party?

Angel: Well, the only one causin’ me a problem with being civil was Ka…(sighs) Serena, and she’s left, so it’s safe to say…yeah, there shouldn’t be a problem.

Buffy (nods): Good.

There is another knock on the door.

Buffy (calls out): Just a minute!

As she walks toward the door:

Faith: I got it, B. Take your time with Brood-Boy there.

She goes to the door and opens it.

There is a pretty girl, approximately 5 foot 3, with blue eyes and medium-length blonde hair tied back in a ponytail holding a sleeping 3-year-old girl in her arms.

Girl (whispering): Hi. I’m Sabrina Kramer.

Faith (smiles sweetly, whispers): Hi. I’m Faith Lehane, welcome to Dawn’s birthday party.

Sabrina (smiles): Thanks. This is my daughter Libby. Little one got tired on the way over here. (gestures to her sleeping daughter, smiling) Is there somewhere I can set her down so she can finish her nap?

Faith: Yeah, absolutely. (smiles) You can use the bedroom in the back.

Sabrina (smiles appreciatively): Thanks.

She carries her daughter into the back bedroom and lays her on the bed, putting a blanket up to her neck.

She kisses her forehead and then walks back into the living room.

Sabrina (grins): I didn’t get the impression that Buffy had such a big family.

Faith (laughs): Oh, these other four are other party guests. Sabrina…this is Joey, April, Emma, and Holly. The others over there are Willow, Tara, Janice, Angel, Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn, Winifred, and Buffy should be back shortly.

Buffy walks into the living room from the kitchen.

Buffy (grins): My ears are burning. (smiles)

Willow (giggles): I hope you didn’t light a Q-Tip so you could see inside…

Buffy (laughs, scoffs): Of course not, who’d be that stupid?

Willow (giggles): Trust me, Buffy; I’m sure there are lots of people.

Faith: Buffy, this is Sabrina Kramer…she came to the party with her daughter.

Buffy (smiles): Well, it’s nice to meet you, Sabrina. Your daughter is…?

Sabrina: Sleeping…actually. (grins) She was so tuckered out on the ride over here that she just fell asleep in her car-seat. So I just let her nap the rest of the way. When we got here, she was still sleeping so I put her down in the bedroom in the back. (smiles) I hope that’s okay.

Buffy (grins): Totally fine, don’t worry. I’m happy you could make it.

Sabrina (nods): So am I.

Buffy (warmly): How old is your daug