Confessions of a HNG.
I slowly woke up and stared blankly at the ceiling. I heard the front door close and a car engine started. My mother must of been heading to work no doubt. I looked over to my white alarm clock, Eight AM it read. I sighed and promptly shut my eyes, last day of summer holidays would not start early.
I slowly woke up and stared blankly at the ceiling. I could hear silence all around me. I roll over and looked at my clock, it reads One PM much better. I stretched and rolled my legs over the side of my bed. I got up and stretched again, this time its accompanied by a large yawn. I opened the curtains to light up my room and look about it. I don’t know why I do this, but I do it every morning or afternoon. I always look about my room when I wake up, I suppose I half hope it will have some how changed once I have woken up but it never does. The light blue painted walls, the royal blue carpet are still decorating my room. My white single wardrobe is still in the corner, my hard wood single bed is still in the centre of my room beside a wooden bookcase filled with various unread books. My parents and grand parents are always trying to encourage me to read books, but I have no interest in them. I looked over to my large white desk. It was big enough for two people to study at. I had my pc on one side of it, which was still on from the night before and beside it were all my new school books.
I sighed as I realized that it was the last day of summer holidays. Even though I was really excited about starting at a new school, my parents had finally won the battle over whether I would be going to private school or not, but I was still a bit depressed to not have all the free time I had grown accustomed to. Also I was going into third year, the year in which I would sit my junior cert. The biggest fear to any fifteen year old. I tried to not think about it, I was not ready for the state exams. Granted they are not important, just a dry run for your leaving cert, it was still a terrifying prospect.
I put the terrifying thoughts of a summer filled with exams out of my head and sat down in front of my computer. I checked to see if anyone has messaged me, which they hadn’t. I opened up my browser and did a search for nappies. It was part of my morning routine, waking up, spending and hour or so searching for abdl sites. Over the summer I had come to the realization that I was a teen baby. Well that’s not really true, I had always known that nappies were my underwear of choice but now I knew I wasn’t alone. It felt weird to know that I wasn’t the only one, that others were as weird as I was. I still didn’t feel accepted or normal, but I guess I was on the road to that.
For as long as I could remember I wanted to wear nappies, it was such a huge part of me it almost controlled me. It was something that I had to hide and push deep down inside of me. It had been hammered into me since potty training that nappies were for babies and that anyone other than a baby wearing a nappy would be teased and tortured. So fearing for this I had to lock it away and not be true to myself, about who I was.
I still had yet to speak to another teen baby. The only sites I had found were full of info, stories or pictures. But there was no way to reach out and talk to someone else like me. I type diaper into a search engine, I found that diaper would bring up way more results than nappy ever could, so even though the word felt alien to me, it was slowly ingraining into my psyche and every now and again I would catch myself referring to nappies as diapers.
I scroll through a few pages of results when something promising catches my eye, Live Chat. My heart skips a beat and my head begins to spin, I feel like an explorer who just discovered the ark of the covenant. The feeling is immense. Hurriedly I click onto the site and register an account. When it comes to choosing a user name I almost put in my proper full name, but stop myself as I have heard so many stories about people being abducted by the internet. Instead I opt for Mr Meth. I practically worship the Wu-Tang clan and the method man was a hero of mine, so taking one of his alias’s empowered me or at least gave me a little bit of confidence that normally wasn’t their.
I clicked submit and was soon on my way to the live chat area. The page loads up with two options, teen chat and adult chat. Without hesitation I clicked on the teen room, the door opened and in I went. To my dismay I was the only one there. I sat in front of that screen in somewhat of a stupor. I couldn’t believe it, the whole summer I was warming to the idea that there were others out their like me due to the info I had found online and now here I was sitting in a place designed for teen babies like myself to come and fraternize and there was no one their. I felt like I was part of some horrible joke, that someone had gone through a lot of effort to try and make me feel normal and stop feeling ashamed of myself. Then once I was almost feeling good about myself pull the rug from under me, who would be so cruel.
I quickly click into the adult chat to make sure there was no one around, but I was pleasantly surprised, there was at least ten other people in the room waiting for me to talk to. I stare at the screen and start to feel awkward, what do I do, what do I say, should I play it cool or should I grovel? An eternity passes of me playing out all the scenarios that could happen from the different type of greetings I could use. With a deep breath I type out a simple “Hello my name is” great another snag.
What should I say my name is? Does it matter, I cant decide, but I know for sure that I don’t feel happy giving out my first name. I think quickly and settle on one of my many middle names that my mother burdened me with. So I take another stab at an introduction.
“Hi, my name is Gilmore” I type quickly and push enter. I see my message pop up on the screen and I take a deep breath. Any minute now and people will be welcoming me into their bosom and will embrace me for who I am.
Again I stare blankly at the screen, no one has replied. I look at the clock on my task bar and the minutes slowly tick bye and still no one has replied. What’s going on.
My instant messenger chimes and I start to panic. How have they gotten my messenger address, I gave them my spam address when I registered, there is no way they could have this information about me. Quickly I click on the messenger to see who it is. To my relief its my friend Joshua inviting me over to his place to play some perfect dark on his Nintendo 64. I agree to his invite and close the messenger window. I take on look at the fabled chat site that I had quested for, and with a sigh I close it down and get dressed for an afternoon filled with video game violence.