Daddy's Girl (Under Construction!)

[SIZE=5][SIZE=2]ETA: After some feedback and thinking it over, I’ve realized the characters are too flat at this point and the sense of imminent danger I was shooting for just isn’t there. There’s a vague sense of “oh this could be bad…” (Point A feeds back into Problem B) so this story needs reworking. It’s currently under reconstruction but it might be a while since I’m also working on another story possibly for the contest.

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This is an older story I’ve been sitting on for a while. This one is a bit different for me- I’ve never tried writing a thriller before.​[/SIZE]
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DADDY’S GIRL

by CK (Cute Kitten)

Edgar sat on a bench across the street from the museum, hidden behind a newspaper. Occasionally, he’d peek out to glance at the museum steps. As the minutes on his watch ticked by, his peeks became more frequent. Never once did he turn a page or read a single word.

He was waiting for her. His dream baby. He’d been waiting his whole life for her. And now she was late. His hold on the newspaper tightened, crinkling the grey paper. That she would so rudely stand him up angered him, made him want to hit her, spank her, punish her for her disobedience.

He took a deep, calming breath. She wasn’t his. Not quite yet. He just had to be patient until their first meeting was over. Then she would be his baby and he could teach her proper behavior.

She didn’t know his rules yet. Her blog on that diaper forum said she would be here today, how excited she was to have a diaper day out at the museum. He peered over the top of his paper just as the 56U bus rolled by. He checked his watch. It was twenty minutes late. He could forgive her for that; a late bus wasn’t exactly her fault, after all.

He knew she took the bus, what bus, even the bus stops. He knew all about Willow- her full name, address, university. Even her preferred diaper brands and her social security number. Private things she never mentioned anywhere on the internet. He’d been studying her, watching her for months, as he did all his babies when he was thinking about adopting them. He watched her like a hawk, circling closer and closer before swooping in for the adoption. Today was that day. So very soon, she’d be his baby. He closed his eyes and shuddered in pleasure at the thought, savoring all this plans for her.

Willow was his sweet princess. His crowned, diapered glory. His other babies….something always went wrong. Eventually, they disobeyed their perfectly loving daddy, forced him to punish them for being such naughty babies. They cried and cried; he got angry and angrier until he lost control. Then he was the one crying in betrayal and sorrow as he buried them. He didn’t like doing it; that was the part of being a daddy he liked the least. It broke his heart. He was a good daddy to his babies, even when they were bad. He buried each baby with a clean diaper, blankie and pacifier. Then he had to go look for a new, good baby. Like her- his perfect, innocent angel. He was certain she would never be a bad baby.

The click-clack of mary janes on the pavement made his head jerk. There she was. His Willow. His palms grew sweaty and his heart flip-flopped in his chest. She came down the street from the bus stop, towards the museum. Her thick chestnut hair glimmered in the sun with streaks of honey. She’d pulled it up into two long, wavy pigtails tied with frilly black bows. She usually wore it loose, flowing down to her hips or restrained in one long French braid. Today she wore it special for her new daddy. He smiled. Such a good girl.

She wore a black sundress with lavender ruffles and loose skirt that brushed just above her knees, perfect for concealing a diaper. Finishing off her ensemble was a juvenile, pink Hello Kitty backpack. Did she have changing supplies in there? His fingers trembled in anticipation. She wouldn’t have to change her own diaper, or be potty trained, much longer……

Willow hopped up the steps like a silly toddler then disappeared into the museum without even glancing at him. Edgar sighed in disappointment, tossed the newspaper onto the bench and followed her inside.

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Re: Daddy’s Girl

OMG! An AB serial killer! Why have I never thought of that? What a great concept!

Re: Daddy’s Girl

It’s been done, with many variations. (I’ve seen killer families/adopters, killer babies/littles, although I don’t remember any individual killer adopters)

Although, coming from Cute-Kitten I don’t expect it will have been done as well before. It’s very promising from such a short intro, it usually takes more than this to draw me in.

Re: Daddy’s Girl

Not that I wish to thwart OP’s artistic vision in any way, but I’m not sure that I would call it the most original concept considering it was basically an episode of CSI .

Additionally… hmm, how do I put this? “Serial murderer” is quite possibly fourth in line behind “child molester”, “exhibitionist whacko”, and “socially illiterate shut-in” when it comes to ridiculously inaccurate perceptions the general public probably has about AB/DL. So it would be wise to very thoroughly establish the fact that sociopaths and murderers are no more (or less) common in this community than they are in any other.

In particular, OP, if you plan on having any character actually killed… well let’s just say a little would probably go a long way to not violating TOS, as far as any graphic depictions of violence.

I’m personally hoping against hope that Willow somehow manages to curtail his psychosis. This world already has enough murder going on.

Re: Daddy’s Girl

Well, this has some possibilities… including something of a whodunit from the opposite side. We’ll see how that goes.

Winnerchickendinner, please use the edit post function for editing posts in the future, not the delete function. The former is there for a reason.

Re: Daddy’s Girl

[QUOTE=Ally;69089]Well, this has some possibilities… including something of a whodunit from the opposite side. We’ll see how that goes.

Winnerchickendinner, please use the edit post function for editing posts in the future, not the delete function. The former is there for a reason.[/QUOTE]
Yes, sorry, my thumbs are not the precise instruments I sometimes believe them to be (post deletion was accidental).

Re: Daddy’s Girl

I guess I’m just a “socially illiterate shut-in” (thanks, winnerchickendinner), as I really have never heard of this particular stereotype (serial killer) being attached to ABDLs in my life. And at 60 years of age I’ve lived a lot of life. I realize that the public often unfairly and ignorantly lumps us in with pedophiles and that they most definitely see us as rather whacked, which, hey, might well be true, but I’m just not going to agree to the killer thing as a stereotype without more evidence than a single episode of CSI.

Also (and this one is for TheOneWhoSees), I’ve been reading ABDL stories all my adult life. I have probably read thousands of them because, frankly, literature is how I connect to life. (I told you I’m probably whacked.) I don’t claim by any means to have read every story ever written—that would be a silly claim and also a waste of time, since the majority of them suck—but I know this much: I’ve read every story on ADISC and nothing there is in this genre. I’ve read the vast majority of everything here and have not run into anything like that either. I’ve searched through story archives on about ten different sites and have never run into one. Now of course that may well be due to my taste: maybe the stories simply have off-putting titles. Maybe they are all called things like “Baby Wants Blood.” I admit I probably wouldn’t click on that one. (Actually, now that I think of it, I probably would, thinking it might be an ABDL vampire thing, which now that I think of THAT, would also be a heck of a lot of fun.)

Bottom line: It may well have “been done,” but certainly not enough to make it any kind of trope.

Re: Daddy’s Girl

I didn’t mean to offend, I’ll admit that I used snarky wording but I meant it in a casual manner rather than a joking or dismissive one.

If you want some well written ABDL murder stories Dementia’s Knight wrote a couple on this forum, although they’re not from the killer’s POV as far as I can remember (both are mainly detective focused).

I won’t be able to find the one with the killer little, though, as I don’t remember anything identifiable (title, author, character names, site) about it.

I remember a couple of vampire-based ABDL stories, here’s one on DD, it’s one of the better-written stories on the main site and one of my nostalgic favorites. There was another, I think it may have been on the old FTT board before it got shut down. It was very exposition heavy but cute enough that I’d love to read it again if it can be found (I’ve given up on that dream).

Re: Daddy’s Girl

Yeah, I had forgotten about “Doorstep,” which is all sorts of creepy, though it doesn’t exactly make a trope. :slight_smile: Just proves, maybe, the old saw that there are no original stories. As for the second one from DK, it seems not to ever have been completed, which is probably why I ignored it: I either read it at the time and it slipped away due to having only two chapters or I skipped it in perusing that page of the archives b/c of the same reason.

I think I remember a vampire story or two as well. Maybe from a Halloween contest?

Re: Daddy’s Girl

Love the beginning.

I find it interesting you had her already in abdl style clothing prior to meeting him. Its very brave of her to walk into public like that on her own accord, without being encouraged or comforted by her ‘daddy.’ Since she is new at this and ‘doesn’t know the rules’, it says a lot about her character that she is willing to do that. Seems she is pretty brave. Great work being able to establish character so early. Its also different from a lot of stories which try to emphasize the fact they are being dressed by their caretakers. It gives the idea that the story will use the ab themes as an undercurrent, while focusing on other things.

This is aside from the twist about what happened to his other ‘babies,’ but I think enough people will comment on that.

Are you planning to turn this into a horror or suspense work? Will they actually build a relationship together? It would be funny if it turned out she was into the same thing, and they became an ab-murder couple.

Anyway, can’t wait for more.

Re: Daddy’s Girl

Thank you for the comments. I should clarify what I meant by different- I haven’t written a thriller before, so the writing experience was different from my other stories. I can’t claim originality for the AB serial killer. Some of the ones people mentioned I haven’t read- but I look forward to reading them, since they sound exciting! :smiley: I’ve only seen commercials for CSI, not watched it. But now I wanna see that episode, too. :wink: The killer little was written by WB Daddy, though I can’t remember the title. It was a page turner. Or would that be a page scroller?

Very few visitors were at the museum. Besides the employees, he and his baby girl were the only ones in the vast lobby. Since it was still early on a weekday, the museum had only been open for a few hours. Willow was paying at the counter, digging through her Hello Kitty backpack for her wallet. He was sure she had diapers in there. What kind did she wear? Pull-ups or those horrible, quiet cloth backed disposables? He had some super thick, extra noisy, pink plastic backed disposables waiting for her at home, along with very thick cloth and extra noisy plastic panties. How adorable she would look toddling around, barely able to walk in such thick diapers, if he let her walk at all….

Edgar hung back by the doors. He stood with his hands clasped behind his back, pretending to study posters advertising upcoming special displays and exhibits. He turned his head slightly so he could keep a discreet eye on her.

The clerk gave Willow’s immature outfit a suspicious eye. When Willow opened her bag up, the clerk leaned forward slightly to peer in. Her eyebrows rose up and her mouth puckered into a disapproving frown. Willow blushed and quickly zipped her bag close, hiding whatever the clerk had seen from view. The girl carefully avoided eye contact as she handed her money over. Her gaze stayed firmly fixed on the tops of her shiny mary janes. The clerk laid an admission ticket and change down on the marble counter instead of handing it over, forcing Willow to pick it up. She scurried into an archway of the museum proper and out of his sight.

Edgar was so moved by how shy and sweet his baby was that he needed to say a few words in defense of her. He stepped up to the desk. The clerk punched buttons on the cash register with one hand, rattled off the price then held her hand out expectantly. He sat the money down on the counter so she had to pick it up. Catching her eye, he said, “You know, some people wear diapers for medical reasons.” He kept his hand palm up on the counter, waiting for his change.

The clerk slapped his change and ticked down on the counter right next to his hand. She leaned in close, forcing him to lean back. Her eyes were hard as flint. “And some don’t.”

His gaunt cheeks flushed red as he snatched up his coins and ticket. “That shouldn’t make a difference.”

Unimpressed, she eyed him up and down, taking in his bean-pole frame, neatly parted hair and pressed trousers. “It does. Now, do you have any museum related questions or do you want to stand there and cause trouble?” Her gaze flicked from him to a uniformed security guard lounging nearby. At her look, the man straightened up and turned his bored attention to them.

Edgar refused to be intimidated. He was a good, strong daddy; he would stick up for his baby girl. The clerk made him feel like a small, bullied child again. He should go find his baby girl and make sure she was alright. He couldn’t do that if he was thrown out….

“No.” He muttered, fighting to keep the tremble out of his voice. He turned and headed for the same archway Willow disappeared through. He paused at the threshold, turning to shoot the clerk a dirty look. She was shuffling papers and completely ignoring him, so quickly dismissing him as unworthy of her attention.

Edgar gritted his teeth and marched off after his baby girl. Willow would notice him. She would meet him, see him for the first time today. She would become aware of his existence and he was going to be the center of her world for the rest of her life. Her daddy. He was going to be her loving daddy and she would be his pretty, helpless baby, completely dependent on him.

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Re: Daddy’s Girl

I don’t know that I’d be willing to take credit for a “killer little” - the fact that the one particular protagonist killed her “owner” was secondary to the actual plot of that story (which I have yet to finish), not the central component, and she certainly wasn’t a serial killer.

That said, Edgar certainly is interesting, even if a bit cliche. You’re citing all the standard crime drama tropes regarding his personality makeup, the only unique feature, of course, being that he’s an AB-daddy. I think part of the problem was your brisk narration of his previous victims, essentially saying he beat them to death because they wouldn’t stop crying because he was beating them. I would have liked to see you take a more creative approach to the “how” of his pattern. As it stands now, the only real suspense is the “how” of convincing her to be his baby - will this be by force, or does he have the capacity to be suave and charming?

Re: Daddy’s Girl

I wasn’t referring to WB’s DD story. I was referring to a story where a woman meets a man on a fetish dating site, goes to his house for AB/DL roleplay then kills him in a fit of rage because she convinced herself that he was disgusted by her (long story short he didn’t let her masturbate because he wanted to make her wait, she didn’t know it was a part of the game [there were other things but this was the most memorable, in general their issue was they wanted to play by different rules]).

I don’t remember if it was well written but it did surprise me as it seemed to be building up to him being a creep that lured her in with a perfect daddy persona; I’m not sure if that was due to the writing or if I just took the protagonist’s paranoia at face value.

As for this story:

The chapters are on the short side, too short to really get me immersed.

I’m not sure how to feel about how he backed down to the clerk. I’m not sure if it’s building up a part of his character or if the clerk thought he was referring to something else (as in there were no diapers in the bag).

Re: Daddy’s Girl

[QUOTE=WBDaddy;69193]

That said, Edgar certainly is interesting, even if a bit cliche. You’re citing all the standard crime drama tropes regarding his personality makeup, the only unique feature, of course, being that he’s an AB-daddy. I think part of the problem was your brisk narration of his previous victims, essentially saying he beat them to death because they wouldn’t stop crying because he was beating them. I would have liked to see you take a more creative approach to the “how” of his pattern. As it stands now, the only real suspense is the “how” of convincing her to be his baby - will this be by force, or does he have the capacity to be suave and charming?[/QUOTE]

Thank you for the feedback. I need to slow my roll and dig a little deeper into the characters to flesh them out and add some more depth to the story. I was worried about getting off at a good, suspenseful pace…but suspense and tension aren’t very useful if the characters are flat. xD

Re: Daddy’s Girl

[QUOTE=TheOneWhoSees;69204]I wasn’t referring to WB’s DD story. I was referring to a story where a woman meets a man on a fetish dating site, goes to his house for AB/DL roleplay then kills him in a fit of rage because she convinced herself that he was disgusted by her (long story short he didn’t let her masturbate because he wanted to make her wait, she didn’t know it was a part of the game [there were other things but this was the most memorable, in general their issue was they wanted to play by different rules]).

I don’t remember if it was well written but it did surprise be as it seemed to be building up to him being a creep that lured her in with a perfect daddy persona; I’m not sure if that was due to the writing or if I just took the protagonist’s paranoia at face value.

As for this story:

The chapters are on the short side, too short to really get me immersed.

I’m not sure how to feel about how he backed down to the clerk. I’m not sure if it’s building up a part of his character or if the clerk thought he was referring to something else (as in there were no diapers in the bag).[/QUOTE]

That was my mistake then. I read “little” and that’s what my mind automatically jumped to.

Thank you for the feedback. The scene with the clerk was supposed to be revealing more of his character, but I don’t think I laid enough groundwork to make that clear.

Re: Daddy’s Girl

[QUOTE=Cute-Kitten;69230]That was my mistake then. I read “little” and that’s what my mind automatically jumped to.
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I knew this would be an issue, I tried to avoid it by using a lowercase L. I should’ve used another term like “sub” or “baby”.

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