Dealing with Grief tw

I dont know who to turn too.
My vanilla friends have abandoned me.
Id been growing close to a poly friend over the 2 years.
We talked alot, went to events together, cared about each other, checked in on one another.
2 weeks ago I went to stay over (we stayed at each others as platonic friends).
She said that weekend she would try be my mummy for the weekend and if it went well we would begin a mdlb relationship.
I had the most magical experience. We even kissed to which she went eeeek our very 1st kiss.
We both talked about how we valued our friendship but we would see how this pans out. If either of us felt it wasn’t right or we where better off friends we would do that but now i had my 1st mummy in several years.
We messaged each other during the week. Then last Friday they stopped being read. I knew she was off to see her mum for mothers day so thought it was that.
On mothers day i rang and sent messages saying happy mothers day to the best mummy in the entire world. It wasnt read.
I became anxious.
Her best friend called me last monday to say she didn’t call or visit her mum. I knew something was wrong so i raced to her home.
I banged on the door, shouted through the letter box to no answer.
I rang her phone and heard it ringing, i then saw her keys in the door locked.
I broke the door down.
Before me was my worst nightmare.
My mummy and friend was gone.
None of my friends have reached out even when ive reached out to them they have ignored me.
I have no support mechanisms, no one to hug me, no one to make sure im ok. I feel selfish im having to ask. Maybe i should be going through this on my own like i have all my life trauma preciously.
Am I selfish in reaching out or should i be quiet and deal with this in my own?
I cant help but think how long would it take for someone to notice i was gone? It would probably be the neighbours reporting the smell.
I just want to be held as a cry…
This beautiful soul has gone and im not coping. I have flashes of her laying on the floor as i saw her mixed with feelings of how she made me feel.
My friends ignoring me makes me feel selfish for putting this on them. Yet another trauma no one is here for me.

If you’re having a lot of problems with various friendship circles/ groups of people, dealing with mental/ emotional issues + suicidal thoughts. Then you do need help. Talk to a mental health professional ASAP. That’s what they’re there for, and they can give you the help you need.

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Im seeing them tomorrow. Thankyou

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