Diapers and dungeons

“Aww look like the little ones lost. Oh well they can become the next lost ones in my game but now i need a new bunch. These past few haven’t been as much fun. They end up giving up too quickly.”

She gets an idea and snaps her fingers. She then pulls out a laptop laying it on her large table. It has character sheets on it that look in bad shape before they crumble to dust and blow away. She opened up a group chat on her favorite d&d website. There were 4 people chatting back and forth. She smiles as she read them the first one being from someones username ‘Beast’

“Hell ya nat 20 bitch! I want to kill it as cool as possible!”

The next person to respond was just called ‘GM’

“Ya ya…how the heck do you get so lucky at all my games…? You just break all my stories.”

GM explained how beast killed the large Minotaur with his large two handed weapon.

“Now Brick, can you roll a d20 for me? You did get knocked out after all.”

This ‘Brick’ person rolls a d20 getting a 10

“Come on, my rolls are so bad! I swear this game is rigged!”

The last person types just called ‘hunter’ replies to brick

“Hehehe seriously? We’ve been playing these games with the same group for over a year now and you think it’s rigged? Come on man take a chill pill.”

Brick replies back

“Ya ya…whatever.”

Gm replies next

“Ok brick is going to be out for a few days. You can move on and carry him or stay and rest. But we can do that tomorrow. I need a break. But has it really been a year already? And I still have yet to get to play a single game myself…”

Beast replies

“Well none of us know how to DM. But fine go to bed, he’s probably got a bedtime! Sleep tight lol”

Hunter replies

“Damn it beast, can you be nice to our DM for once?! I got an idea! DM if you find a new DM we can all play a game how’s that sound”

Brick replies next

“I’m in! Sounds like fun! I bet the DMs even better at this damn game than me anyways.”

Beast just sends a rolling eye emoji

“Ya sure whatever as long as i get to be the badass two handed ax welder!”

The DM replies

“Really?! Deal! I’ll look for a new DM tonight and get back to you all. I’ll text you all later, bye!”

DM has logged out, appears in the chat log. Then Hunter replies.

“Heh he’s cute when he’s happy. Later beast, later brick see you tomorrow!”

Hunter has logged off. Brick replies.

“Cute? What was cute about that? never heard him speak like that. Anyways see ya man.”

Brick logs off and then so dose beast. The lady at the table smirks.

“Well Natalie looks like you just found your next group. Now to figure out who this DM is.”

Natalie gets to work looking up everything she can off his account and finds the name Laphin after hacking into his account.

“Lapin heh cute name. Hmm interesting he lives not too far away. What are the odds, guess I rolled a nat 20.”

She writes down the address and begins to make an invite to a huge D&D game on her laptop. She quickly finished it and Put lapin’s info on it and drove all the way to his place putting it in his mailbox.

“Now we just play the waiting game~”

Laphin is an 18 year old boy about 4’5 he was quite short. He is a white tiger with glasses he has taped up. He stands up from his computer desk and sighs.

“How am I going to find a DM? I’m so tired of DMing games, I want to play for once. I also don’t want to let my friends down. Well I know hunters, my friend and maybe brick? I don’t think beast likes anyone. I really need to get everyone’s IRL name sometime.”

He lays back on his bed and yawns and an older white tiger lady walks into his room. She looked like she was straight out of the wild west. She carried a gun on her hip and a cowgirl outfit.

“Laphin? You’re still awake? Get to bed now. Way past your bedtime!”

Laphin takes off his glasses and covers up.

“S-sorry mom!”

Even though he was 18 his mom still treated him like a child. She leaves and he sighs laying on his side.

“I bet no one else has to deal with this…what’s worse is I get bullied all the time at school for it too. Glad it’s my senior year, I can’t wait to graduate.”

Laphin drifts off to sleep, he sleeps great before suddenly he’s woken up the next day.

“Time to wake up, Laphin you got mail!”

Lapin’s mother throws him a letter and leaves. Laphin groans and rubs his eyes looking at the paper, unable to read it. He grabs his glasses and opens it up.

“Why am I getting mail? Maybe I got into that nice school?”

He begins to read it.

“Are you big on Dungeons and dragons? Do you want to play a game for 100 thousand dollars for each person in your team?! Well come join my challenge for your chance to win, remember teams must be of 4! Give me a call if interested if you need help paying to get your team together I’ll help pay for a trip here and back! So come and join my world of Babulis!”

Lapin was blown away. He jumped up on his bed and jumped off his bed making a loud thump as he quickly grabbed his phone. Suddenly his mother screams.

“Laphin you better not be breaking anything in there!!”

Laphin shiver

“S-sorry mom! It was an accident!”

He quickly messages his three friends telling them about the letter he got. His first message back was from hunter.

“Holy shit dude! This is awesome but it almost sounds too good to be true? You sure we can’t trust this?”

Next was brick

“LET’S DO IT! I’m needing some money anyway. My rent is getting way too high.”

And last was Beast to reply

“100k?! Let’s do this!! I’ll beat this game with my eyes closed!”

Laphin sighed, and it seemed only hunter wasn’t sure. He messaged him back.

“Come on, please don’t let me be alone with beast and brick. I feel like we are the only two smart ones. But I’m sure we can win! As for safety, why would they spend so much money to get you here if it’s a scam or something?”

The wait was killer on Laphin before Hunter finally replied.

“Heh, alright I’ll come. But only if my trip over and back is paid. So you better get ahold of this person ok? I’m sure beast and brick can’t afford a trip out there either. So you think you can handle that responsibility?”

Laphin jumped up and down typing back

“YES YES! Yay thank you, thank you!!”

He messaged both beast and brick that he would make sure they had a way over as soon as he could then began to call the number on the mail he got. He held his finger over the call button nervously before taking a deep breath. He hit the call and it rang then someone picked up.

“Hiya! This is Natalie! Are you calling about my D&D challenge? “

Laphin was awfully shy talking to real people not on messages. So he talked quite quietly and softly.

“Y-ya…and i got some fri-”

Natalie giggles

“No need to be shy, but you got some friends that need a trip over, correct?”

Laphin was confused.

“Ya but-”

Natalie interrupts him again.

“Wonderful! Just tell me their address and by next week we will start the game. I can’t wait to have you all here! Don’t forget to tell your family that the game might last a while so you need to be here at least a week. Maybe longer, don’t worry about food, I have that covered!”

Laphin was just so confused but excited

“O-ok I’ll get you there addresses”

Natalie smirks

“Can’t wait to play, bye cutie~!”

She hangs up and laphin just stares at his phone blushing and then smiles then his face goes pale.

“Wait a week?! There’s no way mom will let me do that…i’ll ask later i got a week i suppose.”

He asks everyone for their addresses and sends it to this Natalie in a text. Suddenly Laphins mom calls him.

“Laphin! Come and get your breakfast! What the heck are you still doing in your room??”

He finishes up before He puts his phone down

“Coming mom!”

He then rushes to the kitchen and sits at the table and his mom sits some eggs and bacon in front of him.

“Thanks mom”

He sighs and begins to think how he can ask his mom if he can go play a game of D&D for a week or so. Then he remembered his mom was very greedy.

“Oh mom! You know these games of D&D, I play?”

She sighs

“Oh these games that you play when you should be studying?”

Laphin groans

“I guess, but schools too easy! But that’s not the p-”

His mom interrupts

“Laphin i don’t care its still just a stupid game they cant make you money!”

Laphin smirks

“What if I told you I could make 100K from one game if I win?”

His mom looked interested.

“I’m listening…”

Laphin then goes on to explain his chances at this game with his friends.

“A week? Or more? Hmm.”

They finished eating.

“Hmm…Fine but if you win you will pay me some money you owe.”

Laphin jumps up out of his chair and hugs his mom

“Thank you, thank you! Anything! You can have it all for all I care, I just want to hang out with my friends!”

His mom hugs back surprised and smiles.

“I’m glad you made friends. I know it’s hard with your size and all. And you just being a nerd”

She laughs and Laphin blushes.

“Mom!“

She pats his back.

“Oh get over it Laphin you’re still my little boy. But you better win this uhh game, your Christmas present might be on the line!”

She laughs and he pouts.

“That hardly seems fair…whatever so I can go?”

She nods and he smiles. His mom gave him one last kiss on the head. Next we head on over to Beasts place. There stood a tall black goat named Rie who wore a Grey hoodie and jeans. He sets his phone down and heads to his room. He was 28 and lived alone, he smirks.

“So I guess I’m meeting these nerds I play with. I’m sure hunter and DM are like these big nerds with glasses but brick acts differently. Don’t even know each other’s names and we are going to meet. Heh 100k man so many things i could buy! Fuck my job i will quit as soon as i win!”

Rie begins to pack clothing and stuff for next week who knows how long they will be gone. But otherwise he has a fairly easy week till his trip. Next let’s check on Brick. Brick or Zev as he’s known by is a half goat he’s got a goat tail, ears and horns. He’s a 23 year old man who lives in a small apartment with a bunch of posters of girls. He’s quite strong looking and built well. He always wears a sleeveless shirt and shorts. He puts his phone down on his table.

“100k huh? Heh we will win this easily! Beast will kill an ill tank like normal, we are the best team! Well and hunter he gets off a few lucky hits…ok maybe a lot whatever. So I’ll be going far out next week. That’s a shame. Hope mom and my little brother will be fine without me around. Probably won’t even tell them so they don’t worry.”

He heads to his kitchen to eat then begins to pack his bags. Next we check on hunter. They are in a large hoodie covering their body and some baggie pants they smile at their phone after sending their address.

“Heh Gm always acts so cute he must be a little younger than the other two. Maybe a lot? Kinda hope he’s at least 18. That would be fun.”

They pull down their hoodie to reveal their long hair dyed purple and reddish pink. She was a young girl about 26 her name was Zoe. she laid back on her bed.

“Hopefully he’s not underage….that would be awkward. He acts like he’s 15 sometimes. Oh well guess I’ll find out next week. I’m kinda excited for everyone to meet me. I’m sure they think I’m a guy. Better off I’m sure brick and beast would have been hitting on me a lot if they knew.”

She giggles.

“But that’s how I preferred it. I know if Beast or brick knew I was a girl I would never hear the end of it…gross there ok friends i guess, but i don’t see myself with ass holes like them. Well bricks less of a dick and just kinda…dumb heh”

She fantasizes about their first time meeting. Now that everyone was on track all they had to do was wait to see each other next week. I know I’m excited too. Oh sorry, you know me, I’m Natalie and I’m going to be telling the rest of this story. I would let the others tell it but there…busy! Very very busy.


Want to read more right now and every Friday? $1 a month is all i ask! but don’t worry ill post the rest of it here once the story’s complete!

https://www.patreon.com/Little_Rie

OK, where to start?

First of all, you really shouldn’t be mixing up the past tense with the present tense like you do. It works when in dialogue, but when you switch between them in the narrative parts of the text it creates sort of a temporal confusion and actually makes the text harder to follow.


Second: Use. A. Spellchecker. And after you’ve done that, I recommend leaving the text alone for a couple of days (or more) before reading through it again. A spellchecker will pick up on the blatantly misspelled words like minnitar (minotaur) and grones (groans) and reading through it after your brain has had some time to forget the text will let you spot the words that the spellchecker misses because they are actual words that sound the word you want, but means something different, like dose (does).


Third: Capitalisation. The first person singular pronoun (“I”) is always capitalised. No exceptions or excuses. (Unless maybe if you’re writing some kind of dom/sub narrative where the sub uses a lower-case “i” to indicate their lower status in the relationship.)

This also applies to names (So Beast, Brick, Hunter, Laphin and Natalie should always be capitalised.) and the first word in sentences. Again, there is no excuse for not doing this.

Abbreviations are generally written in all upper-case letters, so it’s GM, DM and D&D. And if you choose not to do this (for whatever reason), at least be consistent. Don’t use all upper-case some places and all lower-case somewhere else. That’s just messy.


Fourth: Punctuation. Learn to use the apostrophe. It’s can’t, it’s, he’s, I’ll and I’m. None of these contractions are used correctly a single time throughout your text. Additionally, the last two mean “I will” and “I am” so the “I” should be capitalised.


Fifth: Who is the protagonist? You start out with Natalie (I assume that’s who “she” is in the second paragraph), but midway through you seem to switch to Laphin, and then to Brick. If you’re going to tell a story from inside someone’s head (expressing their thoughts and inner monologues) you might want to stick to one person. Another alternative would be to do it more like a film and just tell the reader what they would be able to sense if they were there. In other words, let the characters’ thoughts and emotions be revealed through their words or actions.


And finally, and this is just nitpicking, but I’m going to assume that the final paragraph (the “Want to read more…”-one) is not part of the story. So you might want to separate your Patreon plug from the story itself. If you use a triple asterisk (***), the website inserts a neat horizontal line.


See what I mean?

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i use google doc and i re-read my story’s the day after and to fix errors and stuff. i know spelling is my biggest downfall. i figured doc catches all my mistakes but i guess not. i have been trying really hard with this one to not mess up spelling.

Thanks so much for all the information to work off of. i never got advice like this. i need it to know what i have done wrong. all 5 of them are the protagonist in my eyes. its told like a game how the players would explain each of there actions to each other if that makes since. but ill work harder and check myself more ^^ thanks so much for all the info!

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Then I will repeat myself: ALWAYS capitalise “I”. ALWAYS capitalise the first letter in a sentence. There are NO excuses for not doing that.

It’s “it’s” and “their” and “sense”. You have to watch out for those homophones. As for your decision to make all five characters the protagonists (please note the plural form), that’s ok. But then also having all five be the narrator leads to confusion. What might help could be to have a narrator that stands outside the story, like an omniscient observer.

Your decision to use google docs for your writing is a perfectly valid choice, but I think it’s clear that the spellchecker there isn’t working for you. (At least no in the way you’re currently using it.) You might want to look in to installing a “proper” word processor. There are numerous free alternatives that generally have good spellchecking and some of them also have a grammar check.

Edit: Also remember that spellchecking is not the same as auto-correct. In google docs you generally get red squiggles under misspelled words and blue squiggles under grammar mistakes. It’s still up to you to fix them.

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just noting I removed the realism tag. No way can a story tagged with diaper-dimension qualify as realism. There is nothing realistic about the diaper dimension…

oh must have been a miss click, I was still learning how to use this sites tagging system. :sweat_smile: sorry about that.