Diary of a Lost Girl

My first go at this was a bit shabby so I started again, I’m going to spend more time on it so it’s not quite so rushed. Feedback is welcome, positive and negative, anything that can help me to improve my writing skills.
This is just a preview of chapter one and isn’t finished yet so let me know what you think.

Diary of a Lost Girl

Chapter 1 – Lily

July 12 2015

Dear Diary,
The summer is finally here, 6 whole weeks away from the hell hole most people call school. When in reality it’s just a prison in disguise, not even doing that great a job, with high fences that have sharpened edges, supposedly to keep intruders from getting in, but from the inside it seems fairly obvious that it’s to keep the students from getting out.

A strict timetable of lessons from 9 until half 3, only allowed out twice a day for set times, shoved into a uniform that every other kid around you is wearing. I hate being forced into a society where I’m expected to be a carbon copy of every other person out there. I’m not a sheep, I want my individuality and to be allowed to follow a path that actually interests me.

Unfortunately I’m only 12 so what I want doesn’t really matter and I have no say until I’m 18, it’s just more of the same until I leave compulsory education. I’m not some special snowflake either, someone who thinks I’m so special I deserve different treatment from everyone else. I just think that everyone deserves to be treated as their own person and not as if everything in this world comes in a one size fits all kinda thing. You wouldn’t treat a diabetic with chemo or a cancer patient with insulin, it doesn’t work like that.

Anyway I’m starting to ramble, as I was saying it’s the summer holidays, mum has said we are all going to stay with aunty Sylvia in Wales for the holidays, the whole family, aunts, uncles, cousins the lot are all going to stay there. Aunty Sylvia has a massive house, 10 minutes away from a small village in Snowdon. I’m quite excited because I’ve been with mum, dad and my twin brothers Harry and Oliver who are 9, before, we had a great time. It should be great with all my cousins as well Charlotte and Casey are the same age as me and we have loads in common so it should be good fun.

Dad said that we are going to climb Mount Snowdon again we did it a few years ago, when my brothers were 7 and I was 10, it was amazing the view from the top is like nothing you could ever imagine. It’s beauty in its purest form.
Lily xx

Re: Summer at Sylvia’s

Watch the run-on sentences.

Each time there’s a different speaker, start a new line of dialogue. Lily and her mother’s words are mushed together in the same paragraph.

On the plus side, those are easy fixes. :slight_smile:

Content wise, there’s not enough here for me to say anything.

Re: Diary of a Lost Girl

Thanks for the feedback, I’ve updated it after having spend a little more time on it and rethought the style I’m going to write in. Let me know what you think :slight_smile:

Re: Diary of a Lost Girl

Chapter 1 continued

July 13 2015 – 10:15 am

Dear Diary,

Okay so not the best start to the day this morning, it happened again, I kinda thought maybe, it really had stopped this time. But I’m not going to let that ruin my day because today is THE day, today we are going to Snowdon to stay with auntie Sylvia for 6 weeks. I have packed and repacked my bag now, it has the perfect assortment of clothes, suitable for all kinds of weather and activities. I’ve packed a bag of things to do in the car and helped mum and dad pack food and other bits for the journey.

I’m slightly nervous about the journey though because I know that I’d made an agreement with mum a few months ago when we started planning this trip. Unfortunately for me this deal hasn’t really worked out in my favour as much as I was hoping it would, in fact it was a catastrophic failure in my end of the deal. 2 weeks I had done really well but after that I just kind of failed.

It feels so shameful that even writing it down makes me feel uncomfortable, I’m just not going to for now, maybe if I ignore it then it won’t happen.

To change the topic this morning, Harry and Oli came bounding into my room at 7am, to tell me that I had to get up because we will be going at 12 whether I’m ready or not. They had on their Welsh flag t-shirts and matching shorts, to most people they can be pretty tricky to tell apart when they choose to where the same clothes but I always know, I always have done right since they were tiny babies. Mum says it’s weird because to start with she had to put them in different colours for her to feel 100% sure she knew she was using the right names and it took dad ages to be able to tell them apart when they were dressed the same. The funny thing is that until they were about 4 and their personalities had really come through Granny and Grandpops had also really struggled to tell them apart without help, by that point mum was always dressing them the same she said it was easier to just buy two of everything then think of individual outfits like she did with me. Now they choose to dress the same most of the time and have great fun tricking people into believing Harry is Oliver and Oliver is Harry. It’s never worked on me though I always know, they might look the same to everyone else, but they are different.

I like to think about what different means because to most people walking past me on the street I guess you could say I look like any other 12 year old girl. 4ft 11in so maybe a little on the small side, long mousey brown hair with natural waves, kind of in the middle of curly and minor waves if you get what I mean, hazel coloured eyes and average facial features. In a lot of ways though I am really different to a lot of other kids my age, I made a list:

  1. I listen to older music
  2. I question everything and believe very little
  3. I love to write on paper
  4. I prefer being outside to watching TV
  5. Adults think I’m argumentative but I just believe very strongly in some things
  6. I have a massive secret that most 12 year old don’t have
    I think maybe in some ways there are things that are really very normal about me but generally I don’t think I am you average 12 year old.
    Anyway I should probably go and see what everyone else is doing as we are going soon.

Lily xx

Re: Diary of a Lost Girl

The diary approach definitely makes it easier to figure out and follow. Just try and stay organized so that there’s a definite flow to the narrative, and make anybody speaking other than Lily’s inner voice clearly defined with quotes and a paragraph