First attempt at a story. -Mandy.

Hi everyone.

I’ve been a member of this site for quite some time now, but never had the courage to write a story of my own. This is my first attempt, no, it isn’t plausible, it wasn’t meant to be that either. It is a fantasy. I know my English isn’t the best, since I’m not a native English speaker but I’ve tried to cross read it as much as possible.

Every kind of critique is welcome and appreciated. The story isn’t finnished yet, but I would like to hear some of your wisdome before I continue it, or simply throw it in the trash. I want to be able to contribute to this site, since it has been giving me such joy over the years. So here goes nothing… :wink:

Mandy!

Mandy was just your average nineteen year old girl. She was struggling to get through school, had some friends and a typically normal family. Her whole life was actually as close as you get to the phrase “normal”. She wasn’t unpopular in school, but she wasn’t “the popular girl” either. She wasn’t ugly, but she wasn’t the most beautiful either. The list could just about go on forever, but there is no point in doing so, I think you get the point.

In her spare time Mandy of course tried to do her homework, but she often failed to do all of it, but besides that she played in her local soccer team and enjoyed meeting with her friends in the mall to do some shopping and have a nice talk. Unfortunately for Mandy, her parents was rather strict when it came to money, she had an allowance but that didn’t cover her monthly need of shopping, so she did what every normal girl does, she got a job to earn some extra money. As she usually babysat her younger sister when they were a bit younger, she thought babysitting sounded like a good job at weekends, that way she also had some time to do homework even though she was working. A win-win situation, she thought.

She had been working as a babysitter for a couple of years and had gotten a few regular clients and as they liked her service they recommended her to their friends and so on, so almost every weekend was filled with babysitting jobs, which Mandy of course was happy about. This night she was to babysit for two girls, age nine and eleven, for a family she never babysat for, the Robertsons. It was an all weekend job, which was fairly uncommon, especially uncommon since she never sat for that family before. Mandy had been recommended to the Robertsons by a close friend of theirs and they were in desperate need of a babysitter since they already had planned and payed for a trip to Washington. They had agreed on meeting Mandy quite early on the Friday so they had some time to get to know each other, so there she was, standing in front of the Robertsons house at 3 p.m a Friday afternoon. The weather was lovely, about 24 degrees Celsius, the sun was shining and the birds were singing. Mandy was standing on the driveway looking at the Robertsons huge house, white with a black roof. She looked at the garden which was rather large as well, with a couple of apple trees, a small playground with a playhouse, a slide and a sandbox. There were some toys scattered around on the lawn as well, she saw some squirt guns, a bike, a doll among other things. When Mandy was done examining the house and garden, she made her way to the front door and made a knock.

  • “Hello, you must be Mandy and exactly on time as well, how are you today?”
  • “Hello Mrs. Robertson, I’m very well and you?”
    Mrs. Robertson looked to be in her mid thirties and her and Mandy made some small talk before Mandy was let in and offered some coffee. She politely agreed even though she doesn’t really like coffee.

At the dinner table she met Mr Robertson, he looked to be in his mid thirties as well, and they made some small talk before Mrs Robertson joined them with the coffee. They then proceeded with getting to know each other, or rather the Robertsons started to get to know Mandy. They asked almost everything they could think of, how she was doing in school, if she had a boyfriend, what she likes to do in her spare time and so on. The conversation lasted about an hour before they were interrupted by a girl, Claire, who was interested in seeing who her parents were talking with. They all thought it was a good time to introduce Mandy to the children, so Mrs Robertson called down Kathy, their other daughter and they had a chance to meet Mandy. Again all the questions started, both Claire and Kathy was very interested in Mandy and the three of them seemed to get along very well.

After a while when the questions kind of died out, Mandy asked to see the house and Mrs Robertson took the tour with her. Mandy soon realised that the house was even more huge than she thought when she looked at it from the outside, they even had their own library. When the tour was done it was almost five o’clock and Mandy got the last information she needed, phone numbers, bed times, where there was money if she needed it and so on. Mandy was also informed about Kathys bed wetting problem, something Mandy didn’t care about at all. She had handled older kids than nine with bed wetting problems, so she was used to that. After that Mandy, Claire and Kathy waved of Mr and Mrs Robertson as they got in a taxi with their luggage and went away.

-“So kids, I think it’s time for me to start with the supper, what do you girls feel like?”
-“Pizza!” - Both Claire and Kathy almost screamed.
Claire and Kathy had overheard Mrs Robertson when she explained to Mandy that she left money for pizza on the counter.

-“Well, I guess pizza it is then” - Mandy answered the girls, who started cheering.

The pizza guy came and left the pizzas and the three of them enjoyed their supper. After supper Claire did the dishes and Kathy cleaned the table. Mandy didn’t really know what she was supposed to do, so she started to inspect the kitchen, trying to find everything for tomorrows breakfast. As the dishes and the cleaning were done, she asked the girls what they wanted to do.

-“Thanks for doing the dishes and cleaning girls, what do you want to do now, watch some TV perhaps?”
-“Will you play with us?” asked Kathy, rather nervous.
-“Well… (Mandy replied), I do have some homework to do… What did you have in mind?”
-“We could play house!” -Claire exclaimed.
-“Hmm… You know what. Since you were so good with the dishes and the cleaning, I will join you for a moment.” (Mandy thought for a moment that to procrastinate her homework wasn’t the best idea, but she needed to bond with the girls, and there was all day tomorrow for homework).

All three went up to the girls play area (they seriously had a room, only made for playing). Once upstairs Kathy declared the rules, Claire was the mother, Kathy was the older sister and unsurprisingly enough Mandy was expected to be the baby. Mandy smiled a bit, she was used to playing the part as baby, almost every time she played house when babysitting, she was to be the baby. She agreed to her part and asked them what age they wanted her to be.

-“You can’t walk and only talk like a baby” - Claire told her.
-“And you wear diapers!” - Kathy chipped in.
-“Maybe you can fit into one of my training panties”- Claire said.
(Claire was didn’t like the word “diapers”, since they were for babies, so she insisted on calling them “training panties”, something that Mandy had been informed of by the Robertsons).
-“I’m sorry Claire, I don’t think they will fit me. Why don’t we just imagine that I wear a diaper?” - Mandy told the girls.
-“Can’t you at least try one on. To see if they fit?” -Asked Kathy.
-“I’ll go get you one!” -Said Claire and left the room before Mandy had a chance to stop her.

Mandy didn’t really like the situation that had appeared and tried to think of a way out of it. She didn’t really mind trying on the diaper, but she didn’t feel like it was a good idea either. But before she could come up with anything Claire was back with a pair of training panties in hand. They were pink and had pictures of Disney princesses on them.

-“Lay down so we can try it on you” -Claire instructed.
-“I think I rather try it on myself” -Mandy said.
-“No, you are a baby, you can’t diaper yourself.” -Kathy said.

Mandy was getting quite nervous of the situation, what was she supposed to do, she can’t lay down and be diapered by the girls, that is just wrong.

-“Well. I tell you what (Mandy said). I’ll keep my panties on and try the pair of training panties on in front of you, so you know that I didn’t cheat if they don’t fit me. How does that sound?”
-“But you are a baby…” -Claire said rather disappointed.
-“It’s either that or no training panties” -Mandy said, quite stern.
-“Okay” -The girls said in union, obviously disappointed.

Mandy did not like this as a solution, but felt she had no choice. She took of her pants and revealed her rather childish Hello Kitty panties, to the girls obvious enjoyment. Mandy had forgotten about her childish looking panties when she agreed to try the training panties on in front of the girls and now there was nothing she could do about it but blush. She put her pants to the side and slid one leg into the training panties and then the other. She slid the training panties up over her knees, she know the sides would soon rip and was rather amazed how much they stretched. The training panties was now over her thighs, she pulled slower and slower. Waiting for them to rip, but to her dismay, they didn’t. It was a very snug fit, but they did actually fit. She looked at the girls, not knowing what to say and saw them standing amazed as well. Not knowing what to say or do, Mandy fell to her knees and started crawling, as a way to start the game. The girls soon followed and Mandy had to endure feeding, nap time and a lot of drinking. She was fed water out of a cup every five to ten minutes and since it was part of the game, she drank it. After about an hour of playing, Mandy started to feel the urge to pee building up, much thanks to all the water she was fed. She ignored it for a while, but soon she almost felt desperate and told the girls she was heading for the restroom.

-“No, you are a baby. You can’t use the toilet” -Kathy told her.
-“Well, this is not part of the game, I really need to use the bathroom” -Mandy told them.
-“But you have training panties on. You don’t need the bathroom.” -Claire said, again disappointed.
-“I know Claire. After the bathroom I will put them on again and we can play some more.”

With this Mandy left the room and started looking for the nearest bathroom. The water was starting to make its way through her though and she started to feel really desperate at this point. She cursed herself for not leaving earlier as she made her way down the hallway. She went all the way down and opened the door, but to her utter dismay it was the library, not a bathroom.

“Shit. Where is the bathroom. It was supposed to be here!” -Mandy thought to herself.

She continued back to the play room and checked every door she could find on her way, with no luck. She was at the point of bursting right now.

-“Where is the nearest bathroom?” -Mandy asked the girls.
-“It’s down the hall to your left.” -Kathy told her.
-“I was there already, there is no bathroom, that’s the library.” -Mandy told her.
-“Yes. The bathroom is in the library, just straight through, you can’t miss it.” -Kathy said.

“Shit. I was right from the beginning. How could I miss it?!” -Mandy thought to herself.

Mandy left the play room and started to walk down the hallway again. This time though, she couldn’t walk fast, she had to stop every other step to clench her muscles to prevent any urine from sipping out. She was halfway down the hallway now.

“Just a little further” -She thought.
“Almost there now”.

She had to stop again. She pressed her hand into her crotch and clenched for all that she was worth.

“Damn, that was close”.

She took another step and that was when she felt it. She couldn’t stop and there was no warning. A spurt of pee escaped her and made its way through her panties and into the training panties. She froze dead in her track and pressed her hand in her crotch again.

“Shit, shit, shit! No, no, no. It didn’t happen. I just imagined it. It did not happen!” -She thought to herself.

She started moving again. Slowly she made her way to the door, opened it and continued into the library. As promised, she saw the door on the other side of the library. She walked slowly, still stopping every other step to clench her muscles. The door was almost in reach when it happened again. Same thing, no warning, nothing she could do. A spurt of pee just escaped out of her.

“No, no, no! I’m so close!” -She thought.

She took control of her body again, opened the door and saw the toilet. It was almost as if the toilet was staring back at her, judging her, for not getting there in time. She wasted no time in inspecting the bathroom though and in almost one swift motion, she closed, locked, pulled down her training panties and regular panties and finally sat down on the toilet. The relief was instant, her buttocks literally didn’t touch the toilet before she started peeing. When she sat there relieving herself she inspected the damage to her underwear. Her panties were worse than she expected. There was now a large yellow spot the size of a hand in them, while the training panties on the other hand only had a spot the size of a thumb. She took of the training panties completely to see if it was noticeable from the outside and was relieved when it wasn’t.

“Well, at least the girls won’t know what happened” -She thought to herself.

She finished up in the bathroom and was a little disgusted when she pulled up her ruined panties, but she had no choice.

“I will just go back, play for a couple of minutes and tell them I have to do some homework. That way I can change my underwear before the homework.” -She thought.

She went back to the play room, still a little nervous that the girls would somehow know or find out that their babysitter for the weekend just wet herself a little. She knew it was silly to be nervous about, but still couldn’t shake of that feeling that could see it somehow. The girls though couldn’t see it, but what happened next surprised Mandy and gave her another thing to worry about.

-“Time to change the baby’s diaper” -Kathy exclaimed.

Mandy was stunned. She didn’t know what to say so she stuttered out

-“B… b… but it’s not wet” nervously.

-“Well, it would have been if you didn’t just go to the bathroom.” -Claire said rather stern.

-“Well I don’t think that’s a good idea. Let’s just continue playing without that part” -Mandy told them.

-“Nu uh, you just peed and therefore you need your diaper changed. Besides, we have already seen your panties.” -Kathy said.

-“I don’t think it is a good idea to waste another pair of training panties, I don’t know what your parents would think of that.” -Was the best excuse Mandy could come up with.

-“Do you really think they would know if two training panties go missing or not? Besides, even if they do, we have used them to play with before on dolls and friends. They don’t mind.” -Kathy explained.

Mandy didn’t know what to do. She was cornered. She couldn’t come up with any other excuse why not to let them change her diaper other than to tell them the truth and she did not want to do that. On the other hand, she doesn’t want them to fins out the truth either.

-“On the floor baby” -Claire instructed Mandy, who was still thinking about how to get out of this mess.

Mandy didn’t come up with anything to do or say though, so she reluctantly lied down on the floor.

-“Not there, on the changing mat” -Kathy told her.

Mandy looked around and saw a towel which Kathy pointed at and moved over and lied down on the towel instead. She was sweating quite much now, waiting for a miracle to happen, to get out of this mess or that the girls wouldn’t notice. Claire came back with another pair of training pants in her hands and Kathy said

-“Now be a good baby. I will just change your training panties and then you can go off playing again.”

After that Kathy took hold of both sides of the training panties and started to pull them down. For Mandy everything happened in slow motion right now. She felt the training panties being slid down, slowly, slowly, down to her thighs, now knees and it stopped. She was on the verge of tears. She didn’t dare to look at Kathy and Claire, but she had to. She looked at them and saw their big eyes, they were looking at her panties, then at eachother, back to the panties until finally

-“You peed yourself?!” -Kathy almost screamed.

Without having the time to answer, Mandy heard the familiar sound of a camera going off “click”. Claire and Kathy both had their phones out and was taking pictures of her. She tried her best to fight back tears and managed to only let a tear or two run down her cheeks. Kathy then proceeded to pull of the training panties and after that she took of Mandy her regular panties as well. Mandy didn’t like this but felt as there wasn’t any use in putting up a fight. Mandy was now lying there naked, as more photos were taken and then Kathy left the room. Mandy didn’t know why but she felt as if it was best to just lay down, not long after Kathy returned and Mandy found out why she left when Kathy started to sprinkle baby powder all over her private area. When Kathy was satisfied she pulled on the new pair of training panties on Mandy.

-“There. Isn’t it nice to get rid of those wet pair of panties and be nice and safely in a pair of training panties?” -Kathy asked.

-“Yes.” -Mandy replied.

-“I think the baby is cranky. Time for a nap!” - Claire said.

The game then went on as if nothing had happened for a couple of minutes until Mandy exclaimed

-“Well, I think that is it for me tonight. I have some homework I have to get started with and it is soon time for you two to get to bed.”

-“Aww, okay.” -Claire said disappointed.

Mandy was expecting them to put up a fight or try to blackmail her, but nothing like that happened and she put on her pants and walked down to find her room and in it, her homework. She thought of taking of the training panties, but opted against it cause of all the baby powder, she had to wait until she could take a shower. She sat down at the dinner table and got started with her homework and it was just when she got in a flow, that it was nine o’clock, and time for the girls to go to bed. She went upstairs and found the girls in the play room and told them the bad news. They did however not put up with a fight but instead almost instantly walked out of the room and towards their rooms. The girls got ready for bed and Mandy checked in on Kathy first.

-“Good night Kathy, sleep tight.”
-“Good night Mandy.”

She then went into Claires room

-“Have you got your training panties on sweety?” -Mandy asked.
-“Uh-huh! Just like you!” -Claire answered.

Mandy blushed but continued

-“Good, good night.”
-“Good night Mandy”.

“Well, that went easier than expected” -Mandy thought to herself.

Mandy then went down to her room and took a shower. When she was done she put on a pair of light blue panties and some sweat pants. She thought she would put her panties in the washing machine, but couldn’t find her old panties in her room. She went upstairs and there they were, lying besides the pair of training panties she wore earlier. She blushed again, picked up her panties and went down to wash them, highly embarrassed about herself. When that was done she got back to her homework again, but before long she felt it was time for her to head of to sleep aswell.

At around 2 o’clock in the night, two little girls who should be asleep wandered the upper hallway. They went down into the kitchen and filled a bowl with warm water, they wanted to see if they could make Mandy wet herself again. They went into Mandys room and found her deep asleep. They put the bowl on the floor and lowered Mandys hand into it carefully, not to wake her up. They waited and waited. They waited for an hour before giving up, nothing seemed to happen. They carefully took of Mandys covers only to find that indeed, nothing had happened, Mandy didn’t wet herself. Disappointed the girls went out of Mandys room when a new plan took form.

-“She don’t actually have to wet herself, she only have to believe she did” -Kathy whispered to her younger sister.

-“What do you mean?” Claire asked.

-“Well, if we carefully pour some water on her and the bed, it will look like she wet herself, even though she didn’t” -Kathy explained.

Claire agreed on the plan and they went back to the kitchen and filled a pitcher with warm water this time. They then went back to Mandys room, lifted her covers and carefully started to pour some water at Mandys private area. When the deed was done, the girls hid all the evidence and went back to their rooms and back to sleep. They made sure to set their alarms really early, so they could be the ones waking Mandy up.

The next morning Kathy and Claire got up at seven o’clock and went downstairs. They couldn’t find Mandy and therefore they went in to wake Mandy up, so they could have some breakfast and of course, see Mandy finding out she had wet the bed.

-“Mandy wake up. It is seven o’clock and we are hungry.” -Claire said

-“Yeah, come on sleepy head” -Kathy added.

Mandy opened her eyes to find the girls looking at her and noticed something was wrong. She couldn’t figure out what it was at first, but then it hit her. Something is wet, why is it wet? She shot down her hand to her private area only to realise what she already suspected. Her eyes went wide open.

-“Good morning girls. How about you go out in the kitchen and prepare for breakfast and I will join you in just a minute.” -Mandy said.

-“Nu-uh, come now!” -Claire said.

And with that Claire and Kathy pulled the covers off of Mandy only to find out what they already knew.

-“You wet the bed?!” -Kathy half asked, half exclaimed.

-“You should wear training panties like me.” -Claire added.

-“Well, I… I… I don’t really know what to say. I haven’t done that for a really long time.” -Mandy said.

Kathy then picked up the pair of training panties that were still lying on the floor since last night

-“Looks like you need to wear these today.”

Mandy didn’t say anything, she know that there was nothing she could say or do to convince them otherwise. She also thought that if she complied with the girls, maybe they wouldn’t tell their parents.

Kathy went out of the room and upstairs to get the bottle of baby powder and then went to put on a pair of training panties on Mandy for the second time this weekend. After that was done, Mandy put on a pair of sweat pants and went into the kitchen to make some breakfast.

1 Like

Re: First attempt at a story. -Mandy.

For a first attempt, this is far from the worst I’ve seen. The writing is competent (especially for a non-native speaker), and the story is easy to follow. Is the plot contrived? Yes, but the same can be said for that of many other stories. If this is your first attempt, you shouldn’t feel embarrassed sharing it here.

That said, the biggest issue I see is that your protagonist is a total bore. Mandy doesn’t have much of a personality at all, and there isn’t much reason to care about what happens to her. Look at it this way: if she only exists to be humiliated, why would someone read this as opposed to other stories with a similar plot? Try to make her - and the story - stand out in some way.

Re: First attempt at a story. -Mandy.

I agree with WingZ about the writing quality and the main character. Mandy is rather boring.

I find that there are two kinds of writers who apologize for their English: lazy newbies who don’t want to put in the effort and foreigners who are better at it than they think they are. You are definitely the second one, this is very well done for a non-native writer. I do wish to point out some other issues with the grammar, though.

The grammar is sometimes trying to be formal when it shouldn’t be and the word choices don’t always work out because of this. Some of these mistakes are made while trying to write formally, they’d actually have been avoided altogether if you wrote more casually.

You keep switching between past and present tense, choose one and stick with it. I recommend past tense because most people can’t write present tense properly, there’s just more room for missteps.

I’m feeling mixed on your habit of beginning quotes with a dash, but it’s not too distracting so do whatever you want with this.

There are too many sentences with too many "and"s. Break them up into smaller sentences and get rid of the ands. Separate the ideas rather than tack them on to each other.

Show us the conversations, don’t just tell us about them. Let us see them talk and how they react to each other. This is a story, not a summary. Show us what happens, don’t just tell us it did.

her parents was rather strict

both Claire and Kathy was very interested

It should be “were”, not “was”. If it involves more than one person, then it’s a “were” situation.

at the Robertsons huge house,

tomorrows breakfast

Kathys bed wetting problem

It should be Robertsons’ because it’s possessive and plural. Same for tomorrow’s and Kathy’s (only without plural).

way to the front door and made a knock.

It’s better as “and knocked”.

was even more huge than she thought

It should be “even bigger than she thought”.

she needed, phone numbers, bed times,

It should be “needed:”. This is the start of a list, lists start with colons.

got in a taxi with their luggage and went away.

It’s better as “and left”, rather than “and went away”.

-“Well… (Mandy replied), I do have some homework to do… What did you have in mind?”

The brackets are unnecessary. End the quote and start a new one to continue it. For example: “Well…” Mandy replied, “I do have some homework to do… What do you have in mind?”

I will join you for a moment

“I guess I can join you for a moment” sounds more natural, especially since Mandy just debated whether or not to join them.

(Mandy thought for a moment that to procrastinate her homework wasn’t the best idea, but she needed to bond with the girls, and there was all day tomorrow for homework).

The brackets are unnecessary. Some changes needed: “that procrastinating” instead of “that to procrastinate”, and “and she had all day tomorrow to do her homework” instead of “there was all day tomorrow for homework”.

they seriously had a room, only made for playing

The comma is unnecessary; this sentence is one thought and obviously said in one breath. Also, this is a bracketed insert into a sentence. Those should be avoided as they usually break the flow. “made” is unnecessary, consider using “meant” instead. Consider something like: “They went up to the playroom. Yes, they seriously had a room only meant for playing in”. It’s not the best alternative, it’s just something I through together off the top of my head.

she was used to playing the part as baby

Should be “the part of the baby”.

(Claire was didn’t like the word “diapers”,

The brackets are unnecessary. “was” should be removed.

Said Claire and left the room

Works better as “Said Claire, as she left the room”.

She don’t actually have to wet herself, she only have to believe she did

“doesn’t” instead of “don’t”, and “had” instead of “have”.