First story-Crystals Promblem

This is the first chapter. If people like it I’ll update it. Please tell me what you think

Chapter 1-Big Shopping Trip

Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz. I woke up to my alarm going off. After a quick look around my room I put my face into my pillow. I started to fall back to sleep only to find my covers being forcefully ripped off my body. I shivered from the cold air.

“Mom” I said in a sleepy voice while rubbing my right eye

“It’s time to get up Crystal, we have a busy day ahead of us. we need to go shopping for the Christmas dinner”. She said in a cheerful voice

I turned around and went back to sleep. My mom then forcefully picked me up which wasn’t that hard considering my size. I was 4’4, Which was really small for a 16 yr old. I hate my height. I was always picked on by other kids and treated like a baby.

“when I tell you time to get up it’s time to get up, or do I have to bathe and change you like a baby.” my mom said with a serious face

“No!” I said fast without a second thought
She knows I hate when she treats me like a baby.

She then let me down on my purple carpet.

“We will be leaving in half an hour be downstairs by then. Well stop at Mc. Donald’s for breakfast” She said with a smile
Once she left my room I went to my dresser to get cloths. I got a pair of pink panties with a hello kitty print on it, A pink skirt and a yellow, short sleeve shirt with a picture of the sun on it. I look at my cloths and thought they looked to childish, but my parent always buys my clothes for me. I think they buy them on purpose.

I then went to the bathroom to take a quick shower. After my shower I was fully awake and headed down stairs. My black hair looks shiny in the light from the water. My mother was just finishing putting make up on.

“You ready” My mom asked

“Yep just need to put my shoes on.” I answered
My mom took the towel from my hand and began to dry my hair.
“You don’t want to catch a cold do you”

On the ride to McDonalds we didn’t really talk.

“Your father will be late tonight” She said letting out a sigh

“OK” I told her

I was use to him not being home. He always had meeting to go to.
When we got to McDonalds I saw the kid’s area. Even though I was 16 I still liked playing in the play area. I noticed we were going to the drive thru instead of going in. I began opening my mouth only to hear my mom say.

“We can go in another time. We need to go shopping today”

I started to pout but stopped after hearing what my mother said next

“If you pout I wont get you anything from the store”

I looked at her and could see she wasn’t kidding, so I turned around to stare at the play area. I heard the person from McDonald ask what
we wanted.

“Yes I’ll take two cheese burgers,1 large fries and 2 med cokes please”. My mom said.

We ate while we went to the mall. We were also shopping for gifts for my cousin. He was a year Younger than me but was a lot taller than me. Once we found a parking spot that was close to the front we went into the mall. The mall was huge to me. I held onto my mom’s hand like a little kid would. She didn’t mind she knew crowded places scared me. We first looked at some clothes for my cousin. I didn’t really care what we got as long as we got out of the mall. My mom took forever. I started to notice the urge to pee and decided to ignored it. I didn’t want to use the public toilets at the mall.

“come on help pick something out” My mom ordered

I started looking, while the urge to pee became stronger. It was becoming harder to ignore. I picked out a black shirt and blue jean. My mom got my cousin size from his parent, while we were checking out the items my mom could see me going from one foot to the other try to forget about the need to pee. She then whispered into my ear that I look like I was doing the potty dance. I blushed bright red as my mother giggled. After we bought the cloths my mother

“Come on let’s go” My mother said

She led me to a bathroom. I really didn’t want to go but I knew it would be better than going in my pants. I rushed into one of the stall and began to lift my skirt up when a little squirt came out I crossed my legs in a futile attempt to stop the now steady stream of urine that was soaking my pink panties and running down my legs making a yellow puddle around my shoes. I began to cry while my mother came in to see why I was taking so long. She heard me crying and could tell by the puddle that I didn’t make it. My mom then locked the door behind her. She knocked on the stall door.

“Sweetie, baby are you okay” She asked with a concerned voice.

As I heard baby I began to cry louder. my mom realized her mistake too late to change it.
I opened the stall for my mom to come in and see what happened. She saw my puffy red eye and began to hug me. She said comforting word for a while before I finally stopped crying. I couldn’t believe what just happened. I was a 16-year-old acting like a little baby. Peeing my pants and crying into my mother shoulder while she carried me saying southing word like it ok, don’t worry, it will be all right. She grabbed my jacket out of her bag. She always brought just in case the weather changed on us. She wrapped it around my waste saying This will hide my accident. We began to leave the mall when I heard a voice from behind me say “that girl peed herself.” I knew my mom heard because picked me up and began to walk faster toward the door. I began to cry again. My mom began to pat me on my back
“is that crystal?” I heard from the crowd.

I thought my life was over a group of kids from my school saw me. They began to snicker and giggle at me. One of them took a picture. I knew my school life was over. By Monday everyone at school would know what I did.
By the time we got back to the car I had snot running down my nose. I looked like a wreck. My mom placed me in the back seat. It was silent the whole way to the house. All I could think is that those girls were going to tell everyone that I peed myself at the mall and cried like a baby to my mom. We got back home and I went straight to my room not even a stop at the bathroom to clean up. I was too embarrassed. I just wanted the day to end. I fell onto my bed and began to cry again.
My mom came in 15 min later.

“Hunny I have to go to the store to get the food do you want anything? she asked in a soft voice.

“n-no” I said as a tear dropped from my eye.

She came over and kissed me on my check and pulled my hair out of my eyes before she left.

“It will be okay” she whispered into my ear

She pats my head before telling me to take a shower before going to sleep.
I just nodded as she left my room.

Re: First story-Crystals Promblem

Finally! Someone who knows what “small for my age” means! Very well written, just make sure to proof read your work before posting it, or some of us members will even be willing to proof your work.

I’m pretty sure that “rapped” is past tense for rape, I think you meant “wrapped,” which is past tense for “wrap”
Other than that I only saw small grammatical errors, keep it up and please post more soon!

Re: First story-Crystals Promblem

i agree a grammer and spell check is need but otherwise the story is great. Please continue!!! ;D :smiley: 8)

Re: First story-Crystals Promblem

Thx for comment. Im still continuing the story but will take awhile to upload the story because of internet promblems :frowning:

Re: First story-Crystals Promblem

I enjoyed it and would like to see more but I suggest working on your grammar. It barely feels proof-read. Also try adding a space between paragraphs to make it easier to read. I do want to see more.

Re: First story-Crystals Promblem

Thx for waiting. here’s the next chapter. I tried working on my grammar and spacing my paragraphs. thx for the tips. I was also thinking of making this story into an interactive one. Like having two options at end of each chapter and letting you decide how the story will continue. Please give me your guys input on this idea

Chapter 2- Bad Dream

The school looked deserted. It was kind of spooky. I headed toward my homeroom. Every step I made a horrible noise. I got to the door and opened it. All eyes were on me everyone had disgusted looks on their face.

“Look at the baby” one person said

“does baby want her bottle” Jessica said while holding a bottle in her hand.

I couldn’t believe it my own friend turning against me. I began to cry. My homeroom teacher Mrs. Penny came from behind me and put a paci into my mouth. “there you go baby girl” She said grinning ear to ear.
As I began to suck on the paci I felt warmth between my legs. I was crying too much to notice it or maybe I just didn’t care anymore.

“Aw did baby have an accident” Jessica said with a grin

As I look down to see the yellow spot on my diaper continue to grow I was picked up into the air. I was to startled to do anything.

“I’ll take my baby girl home. She doesn’t belong in high school yet” My mom said

I woke up to my relief realizing it was just a dream. I sighed in relief until I felt the warm wet feeling between my legs. My pajamas clamping to my bottom. I realized I had just wet them. I began to cry quietly until I couldn’t take it anymore. I wished that this was all another nightmare. That I hadn’t wet the bed, but it wasn’t a dream. My pajamas and half my shirt were drenched in urine. My mom heard my crying from down stair and came running only to find her 16-year-old daughter sitting in her urine soaked bed. She came to me and started to hug me not minding the wet sheets or smell.

“it’s okay, I’m here, you don’t have to worry” she said as she rocked me back and forth.

“it was an accident. It’s not your fault” She said not looking away from my eyes.

20 min later I felt better. I still felt embarrassed.

“I had a bad dream” I said

“What was it about” she asked

I started to blushes. I put my head into my mom’s shoulder. Which seemed to have given her a hint that I didn’t want to talk about it.

“It’s okay, go take another bath while I clean up in here” she said

I just nodded in return. I couldn’t even look he in the eye after that.

I got a new pair of panties this time they were white with blue strips.

I got another set of pajamas. It was blue with a rabbit on the shirt. It had a pink bow and was eating a carrot. I took a really long shower. I could hear my father pull into the drive way as I was bringing down my wet clothes. I was too scared about what my dad would think. As I was about to turn back and go back upstairs to my room I heard my father come into the house. I froze as I saw him turn to go upstairs and seeing me holding my wet cloths. He raised his eyebrow. He was about to say something but stopped when he saw tears come down my eye. I couldn’t help it they wouldn’t stop. My mom came out of the kitchen and saw what was going on. My dad came up to me and said “Its okay ,accident’s happen”. I cried as I hugged my dad. My mom smiled at this and went back to the kitchen. It took 10 min for me to calm down. I was glad that my parents weren’t mad at me but I still felt like a baby and that what made me really cry. After I put the clothes into the washing machine I went back to the living room. I heard my mom explain what had happened. My face turned red as I turned on the T.V. Even with the T.V I could hear my parents talking. After my mother was done explaining things I was listening to see my dad response. He didn’t say anything. It was worse than him saying something. My dad came out of the kitchen without even a glance at me.

My mother walked and saw that I was near crying. I hadn’t even realized I was crying until my mother said “oh hunny don’t cry I’m sure he understands. He just needs some time to think about what I told him. That’s all.” I plopped my head on the square couch pillow that we had and began to silently cry. I didn’t want my mother to worry anymore. I didn’t want her to fell disappointed at her only daughter who couldn’t hold her bladder. I then realized that my silent cry had become a lot more noticeable. I turned my attention to the cable box for the time. It was 8:26. Diner should be done in a little while. I got a hold of my tears and went to the bathroom. I decided I needed to wash my face and take a walk. After I washed my face I went and got my shoes. As I was about to leave my mom stopped me.

“Were are you going” Mom asked

“I need some fresh air I’ll be back before dinner. I’m just going around the block”

“Ok,dinner will be done in about 20 to 25 min, be sure your back before then”

“Alright” I said while leaving the house.

I walked down toward the park. Once I got there I went straight to the swings. Whenever I need to think or I felt down I went to the swing. It has a clear view of the sky and at night you can see the stars clearly in the black sky.
As I sat there on the swing I began to remember my past….

Re: First story-Crystals Promblem

Please proof read your story before posting. Much too many errors for me to point them out. Otherwise, your story is well written. No wall of text, horrible premises, or other blunders.

Re: First story-Crystals Promblem

It’s improved a little bit but you keep misusing words that sound alike. If you write a word that you know has another word that sounds like it, search the definitions to see if you have the right one. Please add a space between paragraphs, it makes it easier to read. I must ask if English is your first language. I know it’s a bit offensive to you if it turns out that it is but it reads like it isn’t. It’s not bad English, just rough and bumpy.

A choose-your-own-adventure-style story is ambitious, especially for a first attempt. You should really make sure you can handle something like that. Are you flexible enough to think up different outcomes to the same event and build a different story from there? What if the readers choose a different outcome than you wanted? Will you lose interest? It can be stressful. There’s a reason why most of them are abandoned.

As a personal note. Don’t use “worser”, it used to be a word a very long time ago but now it isn’t used anymore. All it does is make me stop taking the line seriously (especially in more serious situations). Instead try “much worse” or “even worse”.

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Re: First story-Crystals Promblem

good story just needs to be finish off.

Re: First story-Crystals Promblem

thx everyone for the reply im working on next chapter as i write this.I’ll try harder on the grammar and other stuff you guys mentioned.

Re: First story-Crystals Promblem

I love this story! :slight_smile: ( i made an account to write this :wink: )

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Re: First story-Crystals Promblem

Sorry for taking so long. I got a new job and just never got around to posting this chapter. Hope you like it.
Ch 3 a haunting Past

My past hasn’t been what you would call a happy one. When I was 6 I got lost in a crowd at the mall and It took hours for a security officer to find me crying with wet training pants.
This event made me afraid of big crowds. Since then, I always hold my mom’s hand in crowds.

Elementary school had to be my favorite time. Everyone was still around my height and treated me like they would anyone else. Except for a couple of wetting accidents in my early elementary years I had a really fun time in elementary.

Middle school was when I started to notice how everyone else was growing taller than me. That’s when the other kids started to treat me differently. They treated me like I was still a baby. Even the adults treated me like I couldn’t do anything.

To make it worse, while I was on a school field trip to Sea World I had an accident and peed my training pants. I was made to wear a diaper the rest of the trip. After that No one at my school treated me like my actual age. They treated me like a baby. Always talking in baby talk and pinching my cheeks.

At the end of middle school my dad got a new job in Colorado. We ended up leaving my humiliating past behind me. And now I’m starting high school just to pee myself in front of a group of kids from my new school. And on top of that I’ve started to wet the bed again, something I haven’t done since I was 11. Yes, I know 11 is still a little too old for bed wetting, but with a small body comes a small bladder.

As I stare up at the sky I wonder what will come next.

I shiver as a gush of wind brushes up against my neck. I decide it was time to go home dinner was probably ready.

As I approached the house I could hear shouting coming from inside. I open the door and walk into the to hear my parents arguing.

“Jim, you need to be more considerate to your daughter’s feelings. She needs you right now. She’s had a hard day today.” Kim stated

“I know, but she’s 16. She shouldn’t be having accidents. I thought we were through with this problem.” Jim answered

“We, I’m the one that helped her last time while you hid at work. You were barely here. Now she has trouble again and you don’t talk to her. You’re ignoring her when she barely ever sees you to begin with.” Kim said in a raised voice

“Well it’s not my fault. I have to work to bring money to this family.” Jim responded in a louder voice

“Really you’re going to go there.” Kim said before getting cut off by Crystal entering the kitchen

“Are you guys arguing?” I asked in a low voice

“oh no sweetie. We weren’t arguing right Jim?” mom answered in a gentle voice
“I need to go. Work just called and they need me to return” dad said while passing by me

He slammed the door on the way out.

Mom looked down to me and began to pet my head

“Okay sweetie dinners ready. Go wash up while I set the table.” She gently said while setting plates

Dinner was really quiet. Mom didn’t say a word. We just ate in silence.

“Why don’t you dry while I wash the dishes” mom said

I just nod as I got my step stool from the corner of the kitchen.

“Mom were you and dad arguing about me?” I asked

Mom stopped washing for second to think about what to say.

“Sweetie, your dad just doesn’t know how to be honest about his feeling. He has a hard time dealing with these types of thing. Your dad loves you very much, he just doesn’t know how to show it.” Mom answered before going back to washing.

We finished with the dishes and I head up to my room to get ready for bed.

As I was getting ready for bed my mom walked into my room.

“Hunny we need to have a little talk.” Mom said

I remember the last time she said that I ended up in diapers.

She gently pats the bed motioning me to sit next to her.

“Now I know you don’t like wearing diapers, but I think it would be best to wear them at least at bed time. You’ve been having accidents a lot today and I’ve already cleaned one pair of sheets today.” She stated

I blushed knowing she was right and knowing this wasn’t a suggestion. I just nodded my head; not wanting to verbally acknowledge that she was right.

She left the room and came back in with the changing supplies.

I already knew the routine so I was laying on my bed naked waiting for my mom to change me into a diaper.

“OK hunny let’s get you ready for bed.” She said with a little too much enthusiasm

She powdered me and places the diaper under my butt. As she finished up I noticed the diaper had a bunch of cat paws on it.

“I knew you’d like those.” She said seeing that I was looking at the diaper

I blushed because I always loved cats and anything to do with cats.

She got my pink footed pajamas from my dresser.

“Okay let’s get you into your pajamas.” she said in a singsong voice

I walked up to her noticing the difference in my walking. It felt like I had a pillow pushing my legs apart. I lifted one foot at a time for her to put my footed pajamas on.

Afterwards she escorted me to my bed and tucked me in. She handed me my Kitty. She was my first stuffed animal and has always been with me.

My dad doesn’t like animals so I never could get a real kitty.

My mom turned off the lights before leaving.

“Leave the door open a little please” I whispered while hugging Kitty

She smiled at me before leaving the door open just a crack.

Re: First story-Crystals Promblem

Re-reading this I like the first few chapters. I don’t remember how it was before (although chapter 3 gives me a good idea) but based on my old comments you’ve definitely improved.

Chapter 3 is a mess, though. Missing quotation marks, oddly constructed sentences, a lack of line-breaks, and it’s very short compared to the first two. It’s a considerable downgrade. You should spend more time proofreading and editing new chapters before posting them. Chapters 1 and 2 are very well done, I see no reason why chapter 3 can’t be just as good.

Re: First story-Crystals Promblem

[QUOTE=TheOneWhoSees;66697]Re-reading this I like the first few chapters. I don’t remember how it was before (although chapter 3 gives me a good idea) but based on my old comments you’ve definitely improved.

Chapter 3 is a mess, though. Missing quotation marks, oddly constructed sentences, a lack of line-breaks, and it’s very short compared to the first two. It’s a considerable downgrade. You should spend more time proofreading and editing new chapters before posting them. Chapters 1 and 2 are very well done, I see no reason why chapter 3 can’t be just as good.[/QUOTE]

Thank you for you input I went ahead and edited ch 3. I hope you continue to like my story.

Re: First story-Crystals Promblem

Grammar
I’ll second what others have said re: editing. Writing just to express yourself/get ideas down on paper is fine for a first draft, but once you begin sharing that writing with others, the needs of the audience become a consideration.
If you are struggling with commonly confused words, perhaps this can be of use: A Look At Some Commonly Confused Words | Lexico.com
Also, Grammarly (http://www.grammarly.com) is generally more potent and more reliable than Word’s spelling and grammar checkers, but nothing will fully take the place of the human eye.

Content
You seem to have a clear vision for this character, and you’ve definitely found her voice, but her inner life is somewhat lacking. What motivates her?

Interactive?
I’ve written a choose-your-own adventure-type story before. It’s definitely doable, but if this is indeed your first story, you may find it beneficial this time to go the more conventional route and save an interactive approach for future writings.

Re: First story-Crystals Promblem

Enjoying this Despite the grammar having so many issues. As WingZ said Grammarly is good, but if you don’t like the idea of transmitting your in progress drafts to a cloud service, or just can’t get it to work for whatever reason there is also LanguageTool. https://www.languagetool.org/

Content wise i think your doing ok. You shouldn’t use in text scene breaks for example —Bed time–, work the transitions into the narrative. You should also look at having longer chapters as it gives the reader more time to sink into the story, ideally you want your audience so absorbed in the text they forget its a story and are convinced that your world is real.

Plot and Character wise your lead has quite a voice but the Mom and Dad are still rather one dimensional.
Overall good for a first attempt, and i applaud your courage in making it so publicly :slight_smile:

Re: First story-Crystals Promblem

Some severe grammar issues, and jumping between first and third person can be awkward.
But overall a pretty strong first story. Crystal’s an interesting and believable character.
Which is quite important. And its a very adorable story, especially all the stuff with the mom.

Also much kudos for not abandoning this story, even after such a long time in between.
I’m enjoying this and would like to see more. Please continue and thank you for sharing. :slight_smile:

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