This is my first attempt at writing a decent story. I would greatly appreciate feedback.
I never thought the beginning of my freshman year would turn out the way it did. I had always heard horror stories of the hazing that went on at the local high school, and let me tell you, I was scared to death of what the seniors would do to me. Little did I know that "Freshmen Week," as it was called, would be one of the greatest experiences of my life.
Okay, maybe I should back up a bit. My name is James, at time of writing this, I am 15 years old, and I'm in the second semester of my first year at Polk High School in Cedar Bluffs, Iowa. I'm a relatively bright student, so I've ended up taking a few classes with sophomores, juniors, and seniors, which is probably why Natalie discovered my little secret by the second week of class.
A bit more about me, I'm a computer geek. My interests include gaming, making mods for said games, and just, in general, anything that has to do with computer software. Oh, and I'm a teen baby. I like wearing diapers and acting like a toddler when my parents aren't home. I've been doing this since I was in sixth grade, and decided to try on one of my baby cousin's diapers while we were visiting them in Des Moines. Now, I've progressed to buying toddler pull-ups and Goodnites at the local grocery store whenever I have a window of time to sneak out of the house.
So fast forward back to the second week of first semester. I, in my infinite wisdom, decided to wear a Goodnite to school on Tuesday morning. Everything proceeded as normal until 5th period, my Algebra class. As I was walking into class, I noticed my shoe was untied, so I bent over to retie it. I heard a girl giggling behind me, and the click of a cellphone taking a picture. Highly alarmed, I quickly stood up and turned around to see who had apparently just taken a picture of my Goodnite sticking out of my pants. The girl, who I now know as Natalie, flatly stated, "Unless you want me to start texting this to people, I suggest you meet me around the back of the building after lunch." Scared out of my mind, I agreed. "Make sure you're still wearing your diaper, I wouldn't want the little freshman to soak his pants during the second of school", she replied, before walking into class as if our conversation hadn't happened.
The fact that there are only a few paragraphs and this little being posted has happened a bunch of times before only enforces my opinion: Date we will see continuing post: the month of I don’t care because this was done on a vapid whim the 32nd, two-thousand and never.
(I know saying sorry for my own post is somewhat worse, but that really is all I can do. I’m not feeling very good right now.)
Okay, I have a reputation for being a pretty harsh critic, but this is over the line even for me. Sure, there are issues here with setting the stage, background information, not starting with the primary conflict, and so forth, but don’t crush one would-be writer for what other would-be writers have done in the past.
Thank you. The brevity is basically due to the fact that I didn’t have much time while writing those paragraphs, and posting them was sort of testing the waters. Hopefully, I’ll have more up in the next couple days.
If this was testing the waters, then now is a good opportunity for you to restart the story by backing up and building a story that leads up to your big conflict (blackmailed into being a baby). Lead us to this place, don’t just drop us into it. I promise, none but the most fap-addicted cretins will be bothered by you making us wait for the “payoff” (i.e. the babying)…
How about showing (not explaining in an info dump) us the story of why the lead character felt compelled to put a Goodnite on in the first place?
How about giving some color to this character with some amusing anecdotes that portray him as a geek, instead of just telling us he is one?
Do you get where I’m going with this? Give us a story, not a brief, narrated introduction followed immediately by the big payoff.
Actually, no. I took the feedback I got and I’m “fixing” the story. It’s my goal to end up with something that’s actually a decent story and not just a fap fest. Unfortunately, getting anything of real length that isn’t exactly that is proving rather difficult.
Sit down and think about your character. You gave us a snapshot by describing him. Draw yourself out an outline of how exactly he gets to freshman week. Freshman week when I was in HS didn’t happen the first week of school, so what’s going on prior to that point? How about some interaction with your “villain” prior to that point that sets the stage? Perhaps he has friends who are unaware of his secret? Or maybe they are aware? Either way, there’s lots of story that can be built ahead of time, just in the short period prior to “freshman week” itself…
I know when I first hit high school, I was shitting bricks when I heard some of the stories of what was done to (my HS only had 3 grades) “sophomore slaves” the previous year…
PS: Don’t let yourself get frustrated over not immediately coming up with the “lead-in” ideas. It took me nearly a year to write the runup to Naomi moving in with Elise in The Panda’s Ashes. It was worth it, though.