Hero (poem)

I speak words of inspiration to a nation hard of hearing
and to citizens of criticism staring at the ceiling.
Hands are lending and befriending those that fall into the mess
and the watchful eyes see through the lies and decimate the rest

I am nothing but a person and a person I will be,
a hero of the wounded and the hero of the free.
A cape upon my shoulders and a symbol on my chest
I’ll say that I’m no superman, not say that I’m the best.

When the hero goes to zero and he falls upon his face,
who will be the person that will take him to his resting place?
And I wonder on that day if I will say I told a lie,
if I’ll be the boastful being who told all that he could fly.

When that day does come and everyone sees me for who I am
I will stand my ground and look around and shout that I’m a man.
Because, every day, I see the way that people fucking lie
Because in my head I’ll be not dead, but high up in the sky.

Hero (poem)

This isn’t good. The rhyme seems forced in places, there’s virtually no imagery, you don’t play with sound (alliteration, repetition, etc.), the lines are long verging on unweildy and the title is unimaginative. I’m not saying this to be mean, but based on this and the other poem you posted, you have a lot to work on.

Hero (poem)

I understand you aren’t trying to be mean, but you do sound very misinformed. There is internal rhyming out the wazoo and there is alliteration (i.e:

I speak words of inspiration to a nation hard of hearing
and to citizens of criticism staring at the ceiling.
Hands are lending and befriending those that fall into the mess
and the watchful eyes see through the lies and decimate the rest

If that’s not playing around with sound, i don’t know what is…

…boastful being… (alliteration)
…day does come… (alliteration AND assonance)

As for repitition… this isn’t a song…

As for the creative title… have you ever heard of Shakspeares Hamlet? Not a very… creative title… yet still a masterpiece.

The rhyming was never forced, it was placed exactly where i wanted it to be.

Imagery isn’t used because it is more from a perspective, a thought process so to speak.

You cannot judge a poem based on the fact that it’s lines are too long and complex for you to understand. Each line varies between 14 syllables and 16 syllables, which was my goal. To keep a poem up like that for four verses is quite complex.

Read the words carefully. Understand the title wasn’t my main concern. And feel the message of the poem. Don’t try and analyze it down to the core.

I respect your opinion, but i respectfully disagree with your statement. I don’t care that you think it’s bad, i just think the reasons seem illogical.

Hero (poem)

You’re right: I missed the internal rhyme and alliteration on first reading. My appologies.

As for the rest:

As for repitition… this isn’t a song…

So? You find refrain and repetition often in poetry. Actually, you have a little bit here (on ‘When’ and ‘Because’) but it seems unintentional. Not every poem needs to have repetition, but in its absence, there needs to be something else to link the stanzas together.

The rhyming was never forced, it was placed exactly where i wanted it to be.

I’m not arguing the placement. It’s forced in the sense that it sounds very sing-songy and the narrator’s diction keeps changing to maintain that (he’s very informal in some places, more formal in others).

Imagery isn’t used because it is more from a perspective, a thought process so to speak.

Even if you want to go the lyrical or meditative route, there still needs to be some form of an access point for the reader. We don’t know who this person is or what, in concrete terms, he is experiencing. Therefore, why should we care what he has to say?

Each line varies between 14 syllables and 16 syllables, which was my goal. To keep a poem up like that for four verses is quite complex.

Except that English-language poetry, for the most part, isn’t syllabic. It’s accentual or accentual-syllabic. I’m not saying you have to follow a strict meter, but that stresses rather than syllables determine rhythm. Your stresses happen to be all over the place. My scansion is a little rusty, but the lines seem to fluctuate pretty freely between 6, 5, and 4 syllables. I would contend that 6 syllables in a line is unwieldy (which is why you almost never see hexamater in English-language poetry), particularly when those lines are preceded or followed by lines which are metrically shorter.

And feel the message of the poem.

Thematically, what I’m getting from this is someone who is worried about his legacy. The poem isn’t giving me enough information to be able to interpret that concern. In other words, because it isn’t clear whether this guy is a legitimate hero who risks being forgotten or an asshole with delusions of grandeur, I don’t know whether I’m supposed to laugh at the declaration in the final line or take it at face value.

Hero (poem)

I’ve taken a course or two on poetry in my time, and I don’t think that would fly…

Hero (poem)

I think the ambiguity of the subject adds some decor to my writing style. You can read the poem and get something different out of it… depending on who you are.

I let the reader assume what they would like.

It is best to take it at face value though.

I think that the second paragraph sums up who the man is, however, when he declares who he is.

Hero (poem)

Also:

I agree with everything you have to say. I wrote it more as an art piece, without really caring about form and integrity.

To be honest, it just popped outta my head one day.