You’re right: I missed the internal rhyme and alliteration on first reading. My appologies.
As for the rest:
As for repitition… this isn’t a song…
So? You find refrain and repetition often in poetry. Actually, you have a little bit here (on ‘When’ and ‘Because’) but it seems unintentional. Not every poem needs to have repetition, but in its absence, there needs to be something else to link the stanzas together.
The rhyming was never forced, it was placed exactly where i wanted it to be.
I’m not arguing the placement. It’s forced in the sense that it sounds very sing-songy and the narrator’s diction keeps changing to maintain that (he’s very informal in some places, more formal in others).
Imagery isn’t used because it is more from a perspective, a thought process so to speak.
Even if you want to go the lyrical or meditative route, there still needs to be some form of an access point for the reader. We don’t know who this person is or what, in concrete terms, he is experiencing. Therefore, why should we care what he has to say?
Each line varies between 14 syllables and 16 syllables, which was my goal. To keep a poem up like that for four verses is quite complex.
Except that English-language poetry, for the most part, isn’t syllabic. It’s accentual or accentual-syllabic. I’m not saying you have to follow a strict meter, but that stresses rather than syllables determine rhythm. Your stresses happen to be all over the place. My scansion is a little rusty, but the lines seem to fluctuate pretty freely between 6, 5, and 4 syllables. I would contend that 6 syllables in a line is unwieldy (which is why you almost never see hexamater in English-language poetry), particularly when those lines are preceded or followed by lines which are metrically shorter.
And feel the message of the poem.
Thematically, what I’m getting from this is someone who is worried about his legacy. The poem isn’t giving me enough information to be able to interpret that concern. In other words, because it isn’t clear whether this guy is a legitimate hero who risks being forgotten or an asshole with delusions of grandeur, I don’t know whether I’m supposed to laugh at the declaration in the final line or take it at face value.