Hopefully you’ll be friends

Ok first things first, this is my first ever attempt at a story. Sorry if it’s not the best I’ve received permission off of another writer (Who I’m good friends with) to use and if necessary to rewrite their stories since they no longer want or have an interest in them. I’ve tried my best with grammar and spelling using Grammarly. I don’t mind constructive feedback back but please please don’t over do it with the feed back this is my first ever story.

To sum this story up its about a Korean girl called Hyolyn who goes to stay with a family that has a daughter called Victoria who is both AB & DL. The only problem is Hyolyn is frightened of her new surroundings and Victoria doesn’t want to know Hyolyn or have her ABDL life getting out. Although Victoria’s mum has no problem looking after Hyolyn.

“Excuse me, sweetie, but it’s time to wake up.”

Eighteen-year-old Hyolyn slowly opened her brown eyes before putting her thumb in her mouth and falling back to sleep. She was too comfy to wake up.

“Oh no no, sweetie don’t go back to sleep silly. Your mummy and daddy will be waiting.”

Hyolyn slowly started to wake up again. She looked around and saw the white blazer and skirt of the female cabin crew that had been assigned to look after her during her thirteen-hour flight from Seoul, South Korea to Chicago, IL. Although Hyolyn didn’t understand why the cabin crew were treating her like a child. Fair enough she was used to having her age mistook because of how young she looked but to be talked to like she was a child was a little uncomfortable. Although it didn’t help since Hyolyn was wearing dungarees a white t-shirt with slip-on shoes, which made her look even more younger and her short hight didn’t help. She only stood at four foot eleven. The only good side Hyolyn thought was the unlimited packet of peanuts that the flight attendant slipped to her and the first-class upgrade. Hyolyn rubbed her eyes again and got up along with her tattered backpack.

“I’m eighteen, not eight!” Hyolyn protested.

The stewardess nodded her head sympathetically. Of course, the stewardess thought that Hyolyn was only a child so she naturally treated her like one. When Hyolyn originally boarded in Seoul all the cabin crew thought that Hyolyn was with someone. When they found out she was on her own the cabin crew upgraded her to first class. In her, own way Hyolyn thought that her young looks might have an advantage, but the least the cabin crew could have done was look at her passport, where it clearly stated she was eighteen. “Of course you are sweetie. Oh, honey don’t forget your teddy bear.” The stewardess smiled.

Hyolyn picked up the brown stuffed teddy that the stewardess had given her for free. Hyolyn held her teddy surprisingly close to her chest. She didn’t want to admit it but she was frightened. The furthest she had ever been from her home in was to Busan in the south of her country. Travelling all the way across the Pacific Ocean to a new country and culture started to make her frightened. It was getting to the point that she just wanted her mum. She looked around to see the flight attendant holding out her hand.

“Come on sweetie take my hand and we’ll get you to you, mummy and daddy soon.” The stewardess smiled.

Hyolyn reluctantly took the stewardess’s hand while tightly clutching the teddy. She was tired and nervous but with a mixture of excitement. All that Hyolyn knew was that she was going to be staying with two young women, one who also had an eighteen-year-old daughter but that’s all. Hyolyn had received a photo of a dark-skinned and brown-haired woman who appeared to be dressed in a fire department uniform. On the back was a small note saying in Korean. “I’ve heard so much about you can’t wait to meet you have a safe flight love Gabby.” She pulled the photo out and gave it to the stewardess and said that’s who she was meeting.

Over in the arrivals hall, Gabriella Dawson angrily bit her lip as she saw Hyolyn’s flight Korean air KE38 had landed. Gabriella who was tall with dark skin and brown shoulder-length hair went by Gabby glared at her phone. Gabby who was taking part in her adoptive daughter’s college funded host a student program. Gabby had agreed to have a student from another college come stay with herself and her family. This student just happened to be Hyolyn. Gabby held her phone up to her ear as she heard her daughters voicemail.

“That’s it Victoria you like being treated like a baby so I’m going to treat you like one.” Gabby angrily spoke. “When you get home your going straight into the corner for a time out oh and I don’t care if our new guest finds out about your new lifestyle!” Gabby fumed. She had specifically told Victoria that Hyolyn was coming today. Gabby hung up and held up a sign that said ‘Hyolyn’ and with its Korean spelling 효린. Gabby’s daughter Victoria lived her life almost exclusively as an adult baby. Victoria wore nappies twenty-four seven and now had no choice but to wear them. Victoria had been in them for a while now and she was slowly starting to suffer from incontinence. Of course, Victoria accepted this she seemed happy about it. She was treated like a baby most of the time. She was fed, clothed, bathed and had her nappies changed by her mum and flatmate Sylvie Brett. The only other people who knew Victoria was an adult baby was Victoria’s best friend Leah and Leah’s mom, Natalie. Who both, in turn, changed Victoria and Leah babysat her. If anyone else knew about her nappies Victoria said she was suffering from incontinence. It was just a worry about Hyolyn finding out. Still Gabby assumed that a threat was better than nothing. Gabby smiled as she saw who she assumed must have been Hyolyn walking towards her, still holding the stewardess’s hand. Gabby thought Hyolyn looked ever so adorable in her dungarees while clutching the teddy for dear life. It felt almost like she was bringing home a baby sister for Victoria. The stewardess escorted Hyolyn over to Gabby. Gabby explained that she was looking after Hyolyn who had handed a letter to the cabin crew backing what Gabby was saying. Satisfied the cabin crew left Hyolyn in Gabby’s safe hands.

“Hi, Hyolyn my names Gabriella Dawson but you can call me Gabby I think you look really nice,” Gabby said ever so slowly smiled as she took one of Hyolyn’s suitcases. “My family can’t speak Korean, do you understand English?” Gabby slowly spoke.

“Hey, Gabby I speak English as my second language I get words muddled at times but yes I speak good English,” Hyolyn replied with a thick Korean accent.

Gabby apologized for speaking to Hyolyn like she was dumb, but Hyolyn completely understood why Gabby did it. They walked out to Gabbys black SUV. The walk was made in silence as Hyolyn took in the sites and sounds and the smells of America. Hyolyn clutched the teddy and stopped walking. She was terrified all the noise, people and atmosphere scared her. Hyolyn was used to busy cites since she attended a local college in Seoul. However this busy was different from what she was used to. Not hearing her mother tongue of Korean didn’t help either. Hyolyn could speak good English but that was beside the point. This city and environment were frightening not to mention she was experiencing a new culture and norms, that were completely different from her lifestyle back in Korea.

“So is there anything, in particular, you’d like to see or do here in Chicago?” Gabby was inquiring unaware that Hyolyn had stopped walking.

When Gabby noticed she walked back and saw from a distance that Hyolyn was crying. This immediately tugged on Gabbys motherly heartstrings. Although as she got nearer it was clear to see why Hyolyn was crying. Gabby saw a large wet patch right in the middle of Hyolyns dungarees and a small puddle on the floor. The poor girl had probably been that frightened she’d unintentionally wet herself. This made Gabby feel so upset as she walked to Hyolyn. Gabby stopped and squatted down in front of the four-foot eleven girl and cupped her hands.

“Hey, sweetheart are you ok?” Gabby asked.

“No, I wet myself I want my mummy I want to go home,” Hyolyn sniffled as she dropped the bear and started crying even more. This wasn’t exactly how her American dream trip was planned. All her friends who had either been to America on vacation or taken part in the college program, came back saying that they loved it. They said America was better than they expected it to have been.

“Oh come here.” Gabby picked the bear up and placed it in Hyolyn’s hands. Gabby bit her lip before pulling the teary-eyed girl in for a hug. Gabby noticed that hugging Hyolyn and patting her back seemed to calm her down, and she wasn’t getting as upset or crying as much.

“You’re…” Hyolyn sniffled. “You’re not cross?” Hyolyn asked quietly.

Gabby let out a bemused laugh. “Oh sweetie why would I be cross?” Gabby softly asked as she wiped away Hyolyns tears with her fingers.

“Because I wet myself?” Hyolyn replied with another sniffle.

“Oh, Hyolyn.” Gabby sighed. She pulled Hyolyn in for another hug and softly rubbed her back. “Tell you what I keep a spare set of clothes in my car for emergencies, let me go and grab a pack of panties and some shorts and you can go get cleaned up,” Gabby suggested.

Gabby took Hyolyns suitcase and walked briskly to her car. She opened the trunk and placed Hyolyns case in. She grabbed two plastic bags and placed a pair of black sports shorts in. They would be a little big for Hyolyn but the shorts had a drawstring in that could be tightened. Gabby grabbed a set of baby wipes and a pack of multicoloured panties. They’d be too big for Hyolyn but they would do for the time being. She looked back and sighed somehow she thought she was going to have her work cut out. She walked back to Hyolyn and motioned for her to follow her.

“Can I hold your hand?” Hyolyn nervously asked.

“Erm…if you like,” Gabby replied. Gabby held out her brown hand which Hyolyn quickly took. Hyolyn felt slightly better knowing that Gabby was being extremely nice to her. She liked Gabby and she hoped she would enjoy the rest of her trip.

Gabby smiled as Hyolyn came out of the restroom. Dressed in the pair of black sports shorts while carrying the wet clothes in the plastic bag. Gabby wrapped an arm around Hyolyn. Gabby really hoped that Hyolyn would be able to settle in her new environment. Gabby assumed she would now have to act as more of a motherly figure to Hyolyn than she had originally planned. It was clear to see now that Hyolyn was terrified. She was holding the teddy even closer to her chest and trying to stay as close to Gabby as she could. Gabby assumed that the poor girl had probably never left South Korea in her life. But the thoughts of having another daughter for a few months made Gabby really happy, though Gabby was happier that she rented an apartment in the suburbs. That way it wouldn’t be as loud for Hyolyn. Although if there was one person who could help make Hyolyn settle it was her adoptive daughter Victoria that could do it.

It’s well written for a first story, has an interesting premise, does some groundwork for later parts of the story.

The tldr at the start wasn’t needed, the story gives us all of that information itself, so allow your writing to reveal things more gradually, let the reader enjoy building that picture over time.

Some of your paragraphs feel too long. As an example, this bit:

If you removed ‘Although’ and started a new paragraph with ‘It didn’t help that Hyolyn was wearing …’ then you’d have two smaller paragraphs which would just help the reader keep track of where they are.

Typo: hight->height

In the story itself, it’s a bit odd that Gabrielle would use a poorly fitting pair of ‘spare’ panties rather than just open Hyolyn’s suitcase, which is presumably full of clean clothes for her to wear on her visit.

I know you didn’t want over the top feedback but you shouldn’t worry, this is fine. It’s readable, the story is cogent and the characters have different motives and backgrounds. That’s good!