In the Blink of an Eye

In the blink of an eye

Preface
Hi, name is Emily. I’m 17 years old and am halfway through my high school year as a junior. My story is not pretty and some of you are sure to turn away in horror at what is about to be told. Tears will be shed and the memories will never be forgotten. It starts off like this….
Chapter 1

…Emily, Emily Rein! EMILY ROSE REIN!!!

Her mother was at the bottom of the stairs yelling her name.
‘What could it possibly be this time?’ Thought Emily.

Emily’s alarm was beeping, louder by the second it seemed.

Emily slowly turned over and slammed her hand forcefully down on the alarm.
It was eerily silent all of a sudden, minus her mother stomping up the stairs.

Her mother knocked on the door.
“Emily, it’s 7:30 am. Your school bus will be here any minute! Get the hell up! NOW!!!” Her mom yelled.

“Fine, mom.” Emily mumbled.

Her mom yelled even more.
“It’s not fine! I can’t drive you and your sister to school, every fucking day!”

“Okay!!” Emily yelled back.

“Don’t get in that tone with me, young lady!!” Her mom fired back.

“Yes, ma’am.” Emily said in her normal voice.

“Now, get dressed!” Her mom said, her voice returning back to its normal pitch.

Emily slung her feet out of bed, onto her wooden floor. She slowly stood up and stretched, the wood creaked underneath her. Her arms cracked as she raised them to the ceiling.

‘What to wear, what to wear.’ She thought.
She went over to her closet and picked through a couple shirts.
She decided on a t-shirt with a word written on it.
It read ‘Pizza
It had a pizza emoji on it.
She pulled it on over her purple bra.
Purple was her favorite color.
Next she picked out a brown, warm, fuzzy coat and put it on. Threading her arms through it, reminded her of going through a tunnel, for some reason.
She then walked over to her dresser, shivering, as all she had on her legs were, of course, purple panties.
She decided on wearing some sweat pants. She didn’t have the energy to put on a pair of jeans and do the dance that went along with that.
Lastly, she put on some cutesy socks and slipped into her comfy tennis shoes. On her way to the stairs, she peeked in her sister’s room.
Her sister wasn’t there, but there was a weird plastic package on her bed. The stench of stale urine hung in the air.
‘Ewww, gross.’ Emily thought.
‘No way her sister still had nighttime accidents, she was in senior year for God’s sake!!’
Emily decided against digging through her sister’s belongings. But it left her curious.

She trudged downstairs to find her mom had left her a sandwich on the table with a Hershey’s kiss on top. She smiled at the thought that her mom still loved her, even after their argument this morning. She grabbed her teal backpack, slung it over her shoulders, picked up her lunch, and joined her older sister outside to wait for the bus.

Re: In the Blink of an Eye

Just read this. The preface I think would be better incorporated into chapter one or left out for now altogether. Chapter one is OK, though a little short. A bit more description of her room might be in order. In particular a little more clarity on why Emily can reach the ceiling in her room would be good, since most normal ceilings of reasonably recent construction are high enough that very few can actually touch them while standing on the floor.

I noted one place where the imagery doesn’t seem to quite fit: “It was eerily silent all of a sudden, minus her mother stomping up the stairs.”

A possible wording might be: “That brought an almost eerie silence broken only by the thud of her mother’s angry footsteps on the stair.”

There is room for improvement elsewhere, but you seem to have an idea that has plenty of potential as a story. As long as you make an effort to try you’ll get feedback to help improve your writing. We try not to bite authors who try to write well (and usually hands get slapped if the teeth start showing around those stories:)).

Re: In the Blink of an Eye

It’s too short and bare-bones but did nothing to scare me away; I do want to see what happens next. I can’t really add anything to what ally has already said.