Re: Is age play destructive to an adult life?
I have had your concerns about my little side, but in my case the adult side seems to have enough interests and reasons to exist that it maintains balance. I have questioned this in others, but can’t speak with any certainty.
Now I find that at least once a week I get overwhelmed by adult life and just want someone to swoop in and take care of me. It gets to the point of being self destructive, not self harming, but me basically not responding or taking care of myself.
I’ll snap out of a day or two later and rage and shame at myself for fucking up, but the cycle continues.
What I can speak to is beating yourself up about the past, or even the present when we’re not “living up to standards.” It’s not helpful. For example, if I’m in an unmotivated malaise for a few days (happens occasionally in the winter, usually around February), I just sit around and veg on the idiot tube. Dishes and laundry pile up, groceries get low. I used to feel bad about this, then feel more overwhelmed that I had more to do because chores got backed up. As I’ve gotten older, though, I recognize this happens occasionally, I don’t have a good reason for it, but it passes and it’s no big deal. I get to be extra busy a few days afterward, as I catch up, but it’s not a big deal.
Some acquaintances with depression describe a similar thing. They get depressed, their life gets screwed up, then every time they reflect on it they think, “I screwed up and now it’s gonna be really hard to fix… this is depressing.” Learning not to fall into that catch-22 is one of the strategies for coping, and it comes down to being able to change thinking to, “I got depressed for a bit, and that’s okay. Now I’m ready to move on.”
So accept that life is not going to be an even keel. There are days you’ll be responsible, others you won’t. None of it is permanent, all of it is transient; it’s like the ebb and flow of the tide, only less regular. Let it happen, and try not to be upset by it.