Jenny's diary Chapter 1

A 10-year-old girl with her black hair tied in a pony tail sits on her bed. She puts a white T-Shirt on followed by blue flannel pajama pants. She turns to her nightstand and grabs a blue notebook. She turns to a clean page, grabs a pen and writes.

Dear Diary,

It’s me, Jenny. I don’t have a lot on my mind right now, but I’ve never written why I wound up in this orphanage. According to the runner or the orphanange, when I was born, I had to have an emergency appendectomy. Apparently when I was born it had gotten infected or it just wasn’t developing good enough or at all. The doctor accidentally damaged my urethra. That’s the thing that hold your pee. He told my parents I could never be pottytrained because of it. They apparently saw that as the worse thing ever, or to eventually be. They were young and stupid. They didn’t know how to care for a child with special needs and thus abandoned me here. I have been in this orphanage here in Boca Raton, Florida ever since. I can’t believe that they would do this to me. Why would they just leave me here? It doesn’t make sense at all. What jerks! I cannot wait for the day I meet them. Ohhh, that would be a long time coming for them. This sucks because I’m right in the middle of all the kids, I’m not old enough to be with the older ones and I’m not young enough to be play with the little kids. To make matters worse, the teasing from them never ceases. I wish I could be like everyone else. If not that at least someone that cares.

Sincerely, Jenny

A black woman dressed in a black nightgown appears by her side.

“Jenny, what’s the matter?” she askes. Jenny rubs her glasses with a cloth and sighs. She was still saddened about the fact that she felt like no one wanted her. She was only 10, but most parents either wanted a young kid or one not like her.

“Oh, Leslie. No one’s ever gonna want me. I would be too much of a prblem and too much work.” she responds. Leslie puts her hands on Jenny’s shoulders. She tries to soothe the girl. She couldn’t stand to see her cry. None of the other kids gave a damn about her. She was the only person that ever loved her.

“Oh, nonsense! Someone will take you. I just know it. Now try to sleep and not think about it. Okay?” Leslie asks. Jenny lies down and nods knowing tomorrow was another day, which meant more opportunities to be taken into a loving home. Leslie hugs her.

“Goodnight, girl.” she says.

“Goodnight, Leslie.” Jenny replied. Leslie closes the door as she leaves the room. Jenny falls asleep a few minutes later.

THE NEXT DAY
Jenny is crying on a lawn chair on the back porch of the orphanage. Another wave of parents came and once again she wasn’t adopted by anyone of them, say things like “She’s too high maintenence.” and “That kid requires too much work.” These things continued to eat at her. She never felt so alone. Leslie comes outside to console her.

“I’m sorry that you weren’t picked, again!” she says. Jenny was still crying.

“It’s just not fair. It’s not my fault what happened to me.” she says. Leslie puts her arm around her. Leslie didn’t know what to say but she knew she had to say something.

“I know. The problem is today’s parents and they only want one thing, and that’s a perfect child. One they don’t have to put much work into and one to do everything for them. To be honest, I’d take you over any other kid here.” she says. Jenny has calmed down. Leslie digs into her pocket and pulls out some coins.

“Here, why don’t you get some ice cream and take your mind off this, okay?” she said. Jenny’s face lit up a bit. Leslie gives her the coins and Jenny went inside. She changed out of her night clothes and put on a white tank top and a red skirt. Lastly, she puts on a pair of flip-flops and heads to her destination. She tried not to think about it, but inevitably she souldn’t stop. Every other kids under ths sun but her being taken to a new home. It was hard to get rid of this thought, but Jenny pushed it aside as she approached the ice cream establishment. She grabs her vanilla cone, pays the 80 cent and turns to leave, but she doesn’t see the person behind her and accidentaly collides into the person. Her ice cream goes flying and the person’s hot dog follows suit.

“Oh, no.” Jenny cried. Both food items fall to the concrete, as well as the two people. Jenny just stared at the other person. She felt really bad for running into her like that. The other person, a woman of about 25 gets up and goes over to Jenny.

“Are you alright, kid?” she says. She offers Jenny her hand and the woman lifts her to her feet. Jenny just looks at her with a puzzled look. Usually people would lecture her on how to watch where she was going, but this person had a more forgiving presence.

“No, no. That’s my fault.” Jenny grumpily says. The woman smiles. Jenny had never met a person like this one, other than Leslie. She didn’t care that her food was sent flying. She only cared about the kid who had fallen and lost her frozen treat because of her.

“No, hon. I wasn’t watching where I was going. Here, I’ll get you another cone.” she said. Jenny smiled and thought that at least something went her way. The woman went to the ice cream stand and came back with a vanilla cone and handed it to her.

“Thanks for this but I gotta get back to the orphanage.” Jenny says as she runs but the woman grabs her hand. The woman thought about that kid going back on her own. She knew what could happen. The general public was one thing she couldn’t trust. She knew that bad things could happen to her. Feeling a sense for her safety, she ran after her.

“Lemme walk you back. It’s not safe for a girl your age to be walking around alone.” the woman said. Jenny was about to object but it didn’t look like she was gonna take no for an answer. As they walked, Jenny couldn’t help how much she longed for one, if any parents at all. She liked the company of this person. She liked having a very understanding person around. A person like Leslie. She wished this walk would never end. Clarissa, was flashing back to her first child. At that time, she had everything. She was a sucessful prosecuting attorney. She had money, a home, and most of all, her son, Ryan. She loved him so much. She cleaned up after him, she wiped the snot from his nose, she made it all better when he got hurt. One night, her life was turned upside down. They were in a bank, all Clarissa wanted was to get 100 dollars out. She had no idea that this would turn into one of the worst days of her life. The bank was stormed by robbers. It all happened so fast. Her son was taken from her by these thieves. She never had a chance to save him. The next day, he was found dead at the robbers house after the police arrested them on a tip. She found out that one of the robbers killed him by accident because he thought the lead thief told him to kill the kid. They planed to use him a a hostage, and when the robber bumbled that up, they surrendered. Her husband felt that it was her fault that his son was dead. Clarissa felt it was his fault for not offering himself instead of letting them take their son. They got into many arguments after this. It lead to Clarissa being hospitalized twice for injuries given to her by her husband. She couldn’t take it anymore. They both eventually knew what had to pass. Their divorce was about 4 weeks later. The process was brutal. Then, she had her son’s killers. She eventually charged the men who killed her child, they were eventually convicted of murder in the first degree. The jury determined that they were merely getting rid of a witness, even though in reality it was an accident. This process was even worse. She wanted another child, but soon after her first child was born, she found out she couldn’t have another baby. She felt so alone. The money she had did not help her with her depression. This was the hardest month of her life. Clarissa felt as if the sadness would never end. She took this vacation to get away from her life of sadness. But the moment she layed eyes on this girl, It all came back to her. She knew how lonely an orphan had to feel as well. She felt this child’s pain and didn’t want her to be sad anymore. She knew what she had to do. They soon approached the orphanage. Jenny walked up the steps but the woman followed her.

“You don’t have to see me go inside.” Jenny said to her. The woman came to her side. A tear came to her eye.

“I did some thinking on the way here. Just looking at you, a sweet thing all alone in the world. You may have the orphanage workers but that’s not good enough. You need a mommy to care for you. A caretaker has a lot of love, but that’s nothing compared to the love a mom gives. So guess what? I’m gonna take you home with me.” she said. Jenny’s face lit up, then tears came out of her eyes. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not to her, anyway. She was filled with so much happiness she went and hugged the woman who was going to be her mom. They went inside and the woman went into the head of the orphanage. Now Jenny’s joy was now turned into uncertainty courtesy of the fact that she forgot what has kept her from being adopted before. The time they were in there felt like an eternity to her. 10 minutes, or forever to Jenny, later, They came out.

“Well, thanks for adopting Jenny, Clarissa.” Leslie said. Jenny breathed a sigh of relief. She couldn’t express the joy she felt inside. She wanted to, but couldn’t get a word or cheer to come out for the life of her.

“Well, thank you for giving me a great child.” said Clarissa. Leslie, with tears in her eyes came over to Jenny’s side and gave her a hug.

“We’ll miss you.” Leslie said. Jenny smiled as her eyes teard up too.

“I’ll miss you too.” Jenny replied. She walked over to Clarissa’s side and they walk away as Leslie waves goodbye. Clarissa grabbed the child’s hand. She couldn’t help it. She knew inside what this meant to Jenny. They soon walked up to her car, which is a Black 2006 Ford G6. They got in and drove off. Jenny didn’t know if Clarissa knew about her problem. This had prevented many adoption attempts before, but this time it was actually happening, thus she felt a little uneasy as they drove. Clarissa looked over to her.

“Something wrong?” she asks. Jenny turns to her.

“Well, did they tell you what’s wrong with me?” she asked. Clarissa smiled rubbed Jenny’s head. She knew what she was thinking about.

“Yeah, but you know what? I don’t mind having to do that. If you being incontinent is something I have to deal with, I’ll take it gladly. Besides, I don’t mind changing you. If it helps, I wasn’t pottytrained until I was 11.” Clarissa cheerfully said. Jenny smiled. She knew that this was real as soon as Clarissa said that. The fact that Clarissa revealed her own bathroom problems from childhood certainly made Jenny feel better, sort of. They drove for a bit. Clarissa pulled into a Wal-Mart and parked close to the front.

“Why are we stopping?” Jenny asked. Clarissa got out and came to her side.

“I need to get some clothes for you. Adopting you wasn’t something I had thought ahead. Plus, I need diapers for you, don’t I?” Clarissa responded. Jenny’s face went red at the last part. She looked at herself and thought the diaper she had on wasn’t visible, unless you looked hard enough so she felt okay about going in. They walked through and Jenny felt oddly comfortable walking around with her new mom. What was also strange to her is that she didn’t even feel out of place here. It felt right to her for one reason for another. Once they were done shopping for clothes, they went toward the diaper aisle. Jenny was a bit nervous. She hoped no one was looking at her. They picked a small youth size one and headed for the checkout lane. She expected a bit of a hassle but none happened and they headed back out to her car. They drove back on the road.

“Hey, what’s your house look like?” Jenny asked. Clarissa thought of her home, then looked at her.

“I’m not from around here.” she said. Jenny asumed she was from somewhere in Florida, so she thought of two of the state’s biggest cities.

“Oh, you’re from like Miami or Tampa.” Jenny said. Clarissa shook her head.

“No, girl. I’m not from this state. I’m from Michigan. I’m currently on vacation.” she replied. Jenny gasped. She never knew anyone from out of state. This was so shocking to her. Not another word was said until they reached Clarissa’s Hotel. The Hampton Inn was huge. It was probably the biggest building Jenny had ever seen. She gazed at the tall structure until the car was parked. They took all the stuff up to her room, which was on the second floor. They put the stuff down on the couch. Jenny looked at the beds. She was finally gonna be able to sleep without people kicking her. She at last hads her own bed to sleep in, even if it wasn’t hers. She sat on one of the two beds. She suddenly wet herself and poked Clarissa as she walks by.

“Umm, would you….uhhh….uuhhhhh…” Jenny stuttered, feeling embarassed at the question she just asked. She could normally do it herself, but something inside was telling her to let her new mom do it. Clarissa looked at her and smiled.

“Sure I will. After all, you are my child now.” she said. With that she layed Jenny down. She removed the wet diaper and threw it in the trash. She then wiped Jenny’s private area. She put powder onto Jenny’s butt. Lastly, she gets a clean diaper, pulls her legs up, places her down and tapes the diaper around her. Jenny pulls her skirt up, then sits up next to Clarissa. She felt better that Clarissa had done it. She loved the fact that she did it without even batting an eye.

“Thanks.” she said.

“You’re welcome. Just to let you know you’re more than welcome to change yourself.” she said. Jenny looked down in embarassment. She didn’t know how to tell her that she enjoyed being changed. She remembered that Leslie would do that for her from time to time. Other than that, she had to do it herself. She felt a need inside met.

“Well. To tell you the truth. I kinda liked being changed by you. Then again, I liked it when Leslie changed me too. Maybe I liked being babied, to an extent, though.” Jenny confessed. Clarissa knew what she was saying, a tear came to her eye as she put her arms around her.

“You know honey, you don’t have to be embarassed about wanting to be babied a bit.” she replied. Jenny felt more at ease around her. She saw the tear in Clarissa’s eye and thought she must miss doing this and thought that she may have more kids.

“Do you have any other kids?” Jenny asked. Clarissa thought about her own son. What had happened to him. All the pain those awful people had put her through. The question Jenny asked her had brought her to tears and ran out on the balcony. Jenny was confused as to what just happened. She went outside and saw Clarissa still crying.

“Was it something I said?” Jenny asked. Clarissa turned around and saw Jenny standing there wondering if she was okay.

“It’s not your fault. Sit and I’ll tell you all about it.” she said. Jenny sat down in the chair next to her. She pulled out a picture from her purse. It was a picture of her and her son. The boy looked happy and so did she. The boy kinda looked like her. If she didn’t know better, they could’ve passed off as siblings.

“This was my son, Ryan. I loved him so much. Unfortunately, some robber decided to kidnap him while the bank we were at was being held up. They killed him. Those evil scumbags!!! I can’t believe they did that to him. A 5-year-old. They had some nerve! Whatever they got was too good for them.” she yelled. Jenny did some thinking? Is this woman using me to replace her son, or does she really want me as her kid? She had to know.

“Am I just replacing him?” Jenny asked. Clarissa couldn’t believe she would ask that. She wanted to answer her, but didn’t want to yell at a person who did nothing wrong, so she calmed herself down.

“No, sweetie. I could never ask you to do that. I took you in out of the kindness of my heart. You were so lonely. You needed someone who could be very close to you. You needed a motherly bond with soemone, and sorry to say that person couldn’t have been Leslie. You need someone solely focused on you. I am that person. Believe me, I would want Ryan here to be your brother. He always wanted a brother or sister, even if he/she was older than him. Before we move on, I wanna ask you something. I know I can’t ask you to never let anything happen to you, but would you at least try? For me?” Clarissa asked. Jenny knew that it would be nearly impossible to keep this promise but knew saying that she would was the only way to cheer Clarissa up.

“I promise, nothing will ever happen to me.” She replied. Clarissa embrace Jenny for a moment knowing she had said what she wanted, no, what she needed to hear. A thank you wasn’t necesary.

“Well, now. Why don’t we go on the beach and clear our head?” Clarissa asks. Jenny thought of the bathing suit they got for her. She wanted to try it but didn’t want to have an accident in it.

“Well, what if…” Jenny says but Clarissa already knew what she was gonna ask and interrupts.

“It won’t matter. You’ll be getting wet anyway. No one will notice.” she said. Jenny smiled and went to get her bathing suit. She looked in the mirror and saw a girl wearing a red and green top and red shorts. As soon as Clarissa was in ther bathing suit, they headed out. The rest of the day was a blast for Jenny and Clarissa. They did things like surf(Jenny had to learn how quickly), made a sand castle(they got a picture of them in front of it before the tide took it down), and went to an amusement parked(this one Jenny enjoyed the most). It was later in the evening and they were now back in their hotel. Jenny had just changed out of her bathing suit and now had the diaper she had on earlier. She was about to put her clothes on, but she was too exhausted from all the fun they had, she yawned, lied down and then fell asleep. Clarissa got dryed and started to get dressed. As she was pulling up her panties, her cell phone rang. She picked it up and answered.

“Hello?” Clarissa answered.

“Hi, Clarissa, this Rachael.” the person answered.

“Ohmigosh, hi Rachael. I haven’t heard from you in months. How are you?” Clarissa answered.

“Great. My restaraunt business is taking off. Listen, Why don’t you come by and eat? Meal’s on me.” Rachael asked.

“Sure, but you don’t mind if I bring my new daughter, do you?” Clarissa asked looking at Jenny who had fallen asleep.

“Not at all. I’d like to meet her. Gotta go. Bye!” Rachael said as the phone call came to an end. Clarissa picked out her best dress, then went and woke up Jenny who had dozed off. Jenny woke up and slowly put on her white tank top and red skirt, she was still very tired for it had been an eventful day. she rubbed the sleep from her eyes and saw Clarissa clad in an elegant red cocktail dress. Jenny had never seen such a beautiful dress in real life before. sure she had seen amazing pieces on celebrities on the tv but to see something so astonishing in real life left her completely bewildered. she just gazed at this attractive young woman, who had just rescued her from a life of turmoil and felt feelings of love creep into her heart for this relative stranger that she could now, for the first time in he life, call Mom. A tear slowly crept down her cheek.

“Okay kiddo, lets get you a nice dress for tonight, something special” grinned Clarissa. She hadnt noticed the tear running down Jenny’s cheek and was some what taken aback when the young ragamuffin embraced her tightly. This was all coming back to Clarissa, a love for a child, She felt so empty after the loss of her child. She never thought that motherly void would be filled. But when she first set eyes on this young outcast, she knew what was missing. A responsibility, a project, someone to follow in her footsteps? No, a companion. But not just any companion, a companion who needed to be looked after. She felt her motherly responsibility revived. She now once again had a purpose to someone. She was complete once again. They got in the car and drove to a place called Melinda’s. They walked inside and saw many elegant dresses. Jenny was mesmerized by the sparkling gowns around her but one caught her eye: a black, but shorter version of Clarissa’s dress. Clarissa However liked a red version of the one Jenny had. The two didn’t necesarily disagree with the other but both thought their’s was better. They left it up to the stylist who thought she looked better in a blue color. They both agree to it. Clarissa pays for it and they head out. Jenny thinks about all the things Clarissa has gotten for her, then looks at the price tag and it reads 399.99.

“Wow. The stuff you’ve gotten me costed a lot. Man, I must be draining you out.” said Jenny. Clarissa looked at her.

“Oh, honey. Money’s one thing you’ll never have to worry about when you’re with me. Do you know what Income is, girl.?” Clarissa asks. Jenny thinks for a moment, then turns her head to Clarissa.

“I’ll take a guess and say it’s how much money you make in a month.” Jenny answers. Clarissa blinks in astonishment. She thought Jenny was very smart for her age. She didn’t know what to make of it.

“Very close. It’s how much I make in a year, and that amount is 195,000 dollars. I have a lot of leftover money. So never feel like you’re spending all of it. I never want you to worry.” she responded. Jenny smiled and now put on the dress they bought. It was a perfect fit. Clarissa noticed something. Something Jenny should be wearing but she didn’t know how to put it.

“Jenny, have you ever worn a bra before?” Clarissa asked. Jenny looked puzzled. She had now clue what Clarissa was talking about. She didn’t know how to answer the question but mustered up the strength to try.

“A what?” Jenny asked. Clarissa chuckled a bit. She knew Jenny didn’t know what she was talking about.

“It’s something that supports you’re breasts which are starting to grow a bit.” she explained. Jenny looked down at her chest and her face went beat red. She didn’t know she was already supposed to be wearing one. Clarissa understood and had her answer.

“We’ll go get you some when we get home.” Clarissa asked. Jenny chuckled a bit. She didn’t really know what to think. She had thoughts about the bumps coming out of her chest for some time. She never was comfortable thinking about it and didn’t have the guts to ask Leslie about it, but for one reason or another felt relaxed when talking to Clarissa. She could tell her anything. She really was the mom she had always wanted. She knew that this wasn’t a dream. This WAS real. They pull up to a place called Divine Diner. The place was more beautiful than anything Jenny had ever seen. She had heard of great places to eat from Leslie, but never actually went to a place like this. Jenny had a great deal of confidence as they walked through the door. She didn’t have to worry about anything. Clarissa had her back. They would soon be upon the restaraunt. Jenny was a little excited and nervous but was convinced everything would be fine.

End of chapter

FINALLY!!!
Divine Diner isn’t a real place. I made it up. I couldn’t think of a creative name. If you’ve got something better, I’d like to hear it.

Jenny’s diary Chapter 1

Hmmm….I feel as though this is a bit rushed. I can’t really connect to the main character because I’ve “met” plenty of characters who are upset about having to deal with a similar problem.

However, I am a bit curious to see where this leads to, so I will be waiting for the next chapter.

Jenny’s diary Chapter 1

This was actually not too bad.

It was a bit rushed, though.

Jenny’s diary Chapter 1

I think the reason she is in an orphanage could have been better. As most people don’t care if a newborn baby wets itself, its supposed to and I think most parents would live in hope and denial and thought that she would over come her wee problem (lol)

It does seem rushed, and if she wasn’t adopted as a baby I doubt now she would be. But again I let that go for the story, as I too am interested to see where you take it from here.

The set out is good and I didn’t see any memorable grammar or spelling issues :slight_smile: which is great

2 stars

Lb

Jenny’s diary Chapter 1

I like it. Although I agree it does seem a bit rushed, it’s got some serious potential. Keep Going! the plot is suprisingly original and it’s not that poorly written.

Reason for rush

It’s unfinished. I will finish and fix it soon. I only put what I did in the end because I couldn’t finish it.

Jenny’s diary Chapter 1

Wow, Jenny’s parents were an idiot for not wanting her just because she incontinent for life. I mean is having a child in diapers a lot of work? It’s not like her whole mind was wired differently or she was in a wheel chair. Her bladder just doesn’t work is all and ten is old enough to know how to change their own diapers so it’s not like the parents have to do it so no Jenny wouldn’t be a lot of work unless they have a problem with spending money on diapers. That’s what cloth is for. Sure they are pricey but then you don’t have to buy diapers for a while until they wear out or until the child outgrows them. They be good as stuffers then. But then people can use “I don’t want to do all that laundry and have a higher water bill and electric” excuse.

The story

Not a lot is known about my character’s parents. Since they abandoned her a little after her birth. I didn’t tell a whole lot about her parent’s but I can tell you are atheist, so they don’t believe that this is just something she has to overcome.

Jenny’s diary Chapter 1

How could you tell I’m atheist just by my post?

Jenny’s diary Chapter 1

Is no one else going to pick up on the giving a child to a single 25 year old who just walks in off the street?

Try harder. The whole story is more or less logically incoherent.

Jenny’s diary Chapter 1

I just realized he edited the chapter and added some content.

Jenny’s diary Chapter 1

An excellent part.

Jenny’s diary Chapter 1

I guess you know more reality than others do here.

Jenny’s diary Chapter 1

On, Spokane Girl. I didn’t call you atheist. My character’s parents are.

Jenny’s diary Chapter 1

That’s why it’s a story. It’s not supposed to connect to reality.

You never know

I think it could happen. You never know. From what I’ve learned in life, anything can happen. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Believe me, I’ve learned this lesson well.

How it applies

It applies because my character was so cinvinced that adotion was never gonna happen for her, but one person made her think again and to always think positive.

Jenny’s diary Chapter 1

Perhaps you mean “don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched”? That would make a little more sense, though it makes more sense in a situation when someone’s being too optimistic rather than too pessimistic.

But “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” means “don’t risk losing everything at once” and really has nothing to do with the story.

Proverbs aside, unfortunately, you can’t just make up implausible plots and hope everyone will wave them aside because it’s a story- it just doesn’t work that way.

On a more technical note, I think a spellchecker would help. Also, there are some grammar issues, where you change tenses: from “gasped”, “said” and “confessed” in the past to “pokes” and “pulls” and “says” in the present. I find it distracting to read a story which mixes tenses like this.

Jenny’s diary Chapter 1

ok well this story needs lots of work, and i mean lots of work. First things first if your going to update your post at least have the courtesy to tell people. i had read the first part today and didnt have time to comment on it, other for that reason i would have missed out on your story.

Secondly the plausability in this story is none existent. How easy do you think it is to addopt someone? an orphanage is not like a dog pound, you cant just go in and say oh look at the perty orphan, im going to take you home with me, go on get in the car. im sorry it just doesnt work that way. And look it wouldnt have taken to much effort to fix that, infact you could have easily got a chapter out of it. you could of had them meet, then clarissa gets to know jenny, then she decides ok i want to adopt, she applies for it, leaving jenny in the orphanage. then you could go into how jenny was feeling, then you could skip forward and have clarissa being aproved for adopting jenny. there ya go that would have taken ya about an hour to flesh out and been so more rewarding to us the reader. but what you have here is just ludicrous. people dont go on vacation and adopt. ok im going to get off this point, i hope you get the message.

Thirdly is the structure. this does not feel like a story, it reads more like a tech guide. your descriptions feel cold and un emotional. For instance

"Jenny put on a red shirt and blue shorts. Clarissa put on her red dress. They got in the car and drove to a place called Melinda’s. They walked inside and saw many elegant dresses. Jenny had her eye on one that was black and had a green tie-string. it by Clarissa liked a red one with a pink tie-string. The two didn’t necesarily disagree with the other but both thought their’s was better. They left it up to the stylist who had a comprimising one: a red one with a green tie-string. They both agree to it. Clarissa pays for it and they head out. Jenny looks at the price tag and it reads 399.99. "

This paragraph should be expaneded into a couple of paragraphs, and look at the flow here. its piece of information boom information boom information. you need filler ok. heres a nice example of fleshing stuff out

Jenny slowly put on her red shirt and blue shorts, she was still very tired for it had been an eventfull day. she rubbed the sleep from her eyes and saw Clarissa clad in an elegant red cocktail dress. Jenny had never seen such a beutifull dress in real life before. sure she had seen amazing pieces on celebrities on the tv but to see something so astonishing in real life left her completely bewildered. she just gazed at this atractive young woman, who had just rescued her from a life of turmoil and felt feelings of love creep into her heart for this relative stranger that she could now, for the first time in he life, call Mom. A tear slowly crept down her cheek.

“Okay kido, lets get you a nice dress for tonight, something special” grinned Clarissa. She hadnt noticed the tear running down Jenny’s cheek and was some what taken aback when the young ragamuffin embraced her tightly. This was all new to Clarissa, she had never thought about having kids before, she had been somwhat carear orientated. While work had left her with a deep sense of self worth and achievment she still felt empty. But when she first set eyes on this young out cast, she knew what was missing. A responsability, a project, someone to follow in her footsteps? No a companion, a companion who needed to be looked after. Despite being new to all this motherly responsability she felt so complete.

Ok did you see what i did there? i gave the reader some insight into the lives of the two main characters. look dont be afraid to waffle on, it makes it so much more enjoyable to read. you dont have to keep giving us details of whats going on in the physical world, you can give us so much more if you delve into the psychy of your characters.

Look i see some potential for this story, please take all the advice you are given and re work it. This community is set up for people to get better at writing stories, if you take our advice you will get better. dont be afraid to scrap this and start again from the begining, and take your time over it. people want the story to unfold but they also want it to be worthwile. dont rush this, as they say rome wasnt built in a day

Jenny’s diary Chapter 1

Yes unfortunately the story has become more implausible, which makes the reader try to make it plausble, but there is only so much you can take before it just gets too much.

There are alot of spelling and grammar problems I didn’t see when I read your first post.

There does not seem to be any emotional connection for the reader to feel something for the characters.

I like the outline of the story though. It would make a great story, but your going about it the wrong way. Take Someguy’s advice. Rework it. read it over and over again until it makes sense and flows. Make it plausable, emotional and insightful and you will have a winner.

Lb