Kids Today Chapter 1

The following is a work a fiction. All items in the story, including but not limited to names and places bearing any resemblance to persons or events, real or fictional is purely coincidental, other than the mention of some states for the purposes of location, though if there is any resemblance to anything else real, I will be insanely jealous. This is also my first story, and if you like it, please let me know, and it will push me to write more faster.

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Prologue[/b]

It was a dark and stormy Thursday morning, but no one paid it much mind. It seemed like it was always raining in Transford, the smallest almost unknown town in northern Alabama, though it was closer to Tennessee than any other big or even mildly populated residence in Alabama. There were only about 300 adults and about 80 children living in Transford, making it a very small area. In fact, if you didn’t know where to go or just got distracted, you could walk right past it, and you may as well dump your car as you get close and hike the rest of the way on foot. This seclusion led to a townwide belief in Christianity, and a lot of available jobs needed just to keep the town stable, such as farmers, teachers, and firefighters. Also, some specialty jobs just for this town, such as town psychic, town singer, and town informant.

However, this Thursday in particular was different. The Head of Transford Construction, Carrie Gelant was in the hospital building with the only doctor in the town, Nicole Greathes who, despite the secluded town had enough medical know-how to rival most successful New York EMTs, and the town priest Harold Lepturn, who had a basin of Holy Water at the ready for baptism. Carrie was holding in her arms her newborn boy whom she looked at with an intense love, as any mother would. Carrie however, knew that she didn’t have much time, the birthing took too much out of her, and it would soon take her life as well. She looked at the baby one more time, her hazel eyes peering into his green ones, and whispered “My time has come. I name you Clyde Jered Gelant, and wish you the best.” She then leaned back, closed her eyes, smiled and exhaled her last. Both Harold and Nicole lowered their heads in respect of her meeting God, and took the child to be with his new guardians, the married sister of his mother, and her husband, Fiona and Adam Greendale, coteachers of 5th grade at Transford General Education, the only school in the town. The two new guardians of this boy looked at each other and agreed to raise him like their own.

Chapter 1

It was over forty-five years since Carrie had passed away. Clyde was sitting on the couch with his wife, Leslie, and their four kids. The oldest was Jack at age 14, then Hazel at age 9, and finally the youngest two, the twins, Luna and Leo, both 4 years old, Leo being older by 2 minutes. It was a school night, and the six of them were watching the season finale of their favorite show, “Trial by Comedy”, where contestants must complete hilarious challenges in order to win 1 million dollars.

As soon as the show was over, Clyde said “Alright, kids. Time for bed. You have school in the morning.” Luna, Leo and Hazel got up, but Jack stayed put. “Jack? Bedtime.” Jack shook his head.

“Dad. No offence but you have no idea how hard it is being a kid these days. You have it easy, with working for the government. You get to use robots all day and say what’s wrong with them! I bet if you were one of our ages, it would be much harder than your easy-going job!”

“Wanna bet?”

“Bet…?”

“The newest machinery I am testing lets you put your consciousness into an artificial body that matches how you were at a younger age, based on DNA, sort of like a mechanical fountain of youth. The boss told me I can tell you, it’s not that big of a secret. And to make it better, I will let you chose what age I become, either yours, Hazel’s, or the twins’.”

“Fine. If you can’t handle being the same age as one of us for a week, all four of us kids get to stay out of school for two weeks, and you have to become a baby for a week!”

“That’s fair, but if I can handle it, for a month, all four of you kids will come directly home from school, do your homework and your chores, which will triple in amount from before. Plus I can call your teachers and tell them to give you twice as much homework as before. Deal?”

“Deal!” The two of them shook on it, and the next day, the bet would begin.

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Once again, this story is my first, so take that into account if you leave a suggestion, but also take into account that I will make the age Jack becomes the same age most voted on by the people who reply to this story, and will begin production of the next chapter after a week of the first vote. If you didn’t get that, I can’t decide what age he should be, so I want you to pick.

Re: Kids Today Chapter 1

Description You descriptions of height/physical stats of the characters seems forced. You don’t have to describe them all at once. A reader will fill in blanks like that. Also, you could have them enter the scene gradually and describe them a little more over the course of the story.

Realism issues: The kind of technology you claim, if it did exist, would require advanced robotics. This would not be in a small town, it would be in the news. Further, I just cannot imagine anyone creating a robot that would simulate human elimination functions - there’s just no reason too. Unless it’s so far advanced that it’s a bio-android, in which case this story should be set in the far future. This whole society should feel foreign to me based on their incredibly technology but, so far, it doesn’t. That could easily be fixed though.

Commas I’m guilty of this as well but you use too many commas. Commas are good for separating clauses but they are not necessary before every use of the word “and”

Paragraphs Please separate out your paragraphs. You did a good job in the prologue but not in Chapter 1.

I really like your idea. An adult mind put into a bio-android that, for whatever science reason needs to eat/pee to maintain the biological components is super cool and allows for sci-fi AB fantasy. Never seen it before that I recall. I just don’t think the setting is fleshed out enough for it. Focus on realistic exposition and I could see me falling in love with this story. Could be really cool if used as a spy or something. Adult mind in bio-android body that had part political intrigue spying, part babyfication…

Re: Kids Today Chapter 1

thanks, like I said, this is my first story, and I actually messed up in the realism part, I meant to edit it so that instead of it being him working for the town, the Government actually went to the most secluded area they could find while still being in the country, and pick one person to test a technology they have been secretly working on, sort of like a mix of “the fountain of youth effect” and reincarnation, so that we can live much longer, and since this is a very secluded area, they picked one person at random from in the town to test this tech. I will fix the story now.

Re: Kids Today Chapter 1

Is this better?

Re: Kids Today Chapter 1

Good attempt. Because you seem genuinely interested in improvement I’ll be more specific on the issues.

DESCRIPTION
You just kinda removed the descriptions, rather than work them in subtly. It’s still better this way though, I think you improved it. I also think the explanation of the twin’s potty-trained status feels out of place. I’m sure it’ll come up, I just don’t understand why it’s explained first-thing. You can totally describe these characters- I’m not advising against it. Just don’t give me a boring, obligatory - 4’9" sandy-blonde hair description. Attach it to actions:

“Clyde walked into the living room, feeling ever bit of his forty-five years after a long day at work. His oldest, Jack, was there, standing almost as tall as he was now. Jack’s brown hair reminded Clyde of the extra grays he kept finding on his own head every morning, he ran his hand through his own mane, wondering for the second time that month if he should dye it.”

Just an example, try added actions to the descriptions.

COMMAS

In fact, if you didn’t know where to go or just got distracted, you could walk right past it and, if you were driving, unless you knew the path better than the back of your hand, you may as well dump your car as soon as you think you get close and hike the rest of the way on foot.

See, I removed 3 of the commas and moved one of them to place the commas in the correct positions. “if you were driving” is set off by commas along with “unless you knew the path better than the back of your hand,” “if you didn’t know where to go or just got distracted” and “In fact” because the sentence still makes sense without them. For example:

You could walk right past it and you may as well dump your car as soon as you think you get close and hike the rest of the way on foot.

Although, now that I remove the dependent clauses, I can also see this is a run-on sentence. Better yet, it would read:

In fact, if you didn’t know where to go or just got distracted, you could walk right past it; if you were driving, unless you knew the path better than the back of your hand, you may as well dump your car as soon as you think you get close and hike the rest of the way on foot.

So that was what I meant by commas and you didn’t really fix that. Still, it’s hard applying a rule without examples. Hopefully these examples help.

REALISM

“The government told me I can tell you, it’s not like it’s a weapon or anything. And to make it better, I will let you chose what age I become, either yours, Hazel’s, or the twins’!”

Moving aside the unnecessary exclamation point (I once joking heard that a writer only gets to use three in their lifetime, so you must use them wisely), why isn’t it a weapon, it sounds like it’d be a good one. Also, I doubt a government employee would refer to it as “the government” he’d problem use a technical term like “it isn’t classified.” Also, if it isn’t classified, the invention is already probably public knowledge if it’s in the testing phase and, while his kids might not know about it- it’s doubtful that Clyde would be this excited.

Also, the loss-bet punishment Clyde presents is making his children go to bed early? It seems contrived. Surely he’d give them something that benefits him or his kids (additional homework, chores, etc.)

PARAGRAPHS

You fixed the spacing perfectly. Much easier to read now, thanks.

Once again, good effort. Keep working on it. And put out longer chapters. I can better get a flow for your whole story if there’s more to read. Of course you’ll have more to edit then… that’s the nature of the beast

Re: Kids Today Chapter 1

well?