Lavender and Mina go to Diaper Story Hell by Remmy

Lavender and Mina go to Diaper Story Hell, Episode 1: Teenage Tantrums

In the town of Jack’s Burrow, a small, easily overlooked congregation of suburban houses and modest mom-and-pop shops, lived two girls whom shared a curious affinity for diapers and other babyish things. The girls, having lived in close proximity to one another throughout their entire lives, had been best friends since kindergarten. However, only recently had they revealed to each other their mutual interest in the world of infantilism. With it known that all things AB and DL were of interest to them both, Lavender and Mina discovered that they enjoyed reading stories written by members of the aforementioned communities, and would often get together to share their findings. However, if soon became clear that not all of the stories on the net were of a reasonable quality. In fact, many of them were down right ghastly. In lue of this, the girls came to entertain themselves by making fun of them together, which is where our story begins.

(Open to a small, violet-painted bedroom with a sign on the door reading “Lavender’s room” in flowery text. From this, we can infer that the room does, in fact, belong to Lavender.)

Mina, a lithe bodied, slightly athletic calico feline with medium lengthed blonde hair, sits neatly atop one of the bean bags, her friend’s laptop balanced in her lap. Lavender, a thin, modestly endowed husky with violet fur lays nearby, playing a DS.

Mina: Alright, look at this one: It’s called- and I shit you not- “Diaper Danny and the Dommy Damsels”. How could a loving God let this exist?
Lavender: (continues to invest most of her attention on the game, her eyes fixed on the screen, stylus noisily tapping away) my faith in the world kind of died after we found the fifth story titled “Amanda’s Adventures in Diapers”. I honestly don’t think he cares much any more.
Mina: Still…God, how hard can it be to write a decent story? It’s not like it takes all that much effort.
Lavender: As little effort as reinventing something takes, plagiarizing and writing incoherently takes less.
Mina: I’ll concede that point. I just wish they’d make it illegal to use a keyboard if you’re stupider than the chair you sit on.
Lavender: You know what they say, Mina: idiots will always find a way to- OOH! A Shiny Pidgey!
Mina: (sigh) You know what? I’d sell my soul to keep bad diaper stories off the 'net.
Lavender: (Looks up from the game momentarily) Really?
Mina: (shrugs) Sure. It would be a service to the world at large; I think it would be a worthwhile sacrifice.
Lavender: (stares upward contemplatively) Can’t argue there. Heck, if it would help any, I’d hock mine over to the cause too.

(A giant pillar of flame suddenly bursts from the floor, lighting nearby furniture on fire. Lavender and Mina both yelp and jerk abruptly backward in surprise, the laptop flying out of Mina’s lap. As the smoke clears, a figure garbed in a heavily frayed black cloak steps forward, a red, triple-pronged lance held in one hand. Both girls, at this point, have their arms wrapped around each other, shivering in fear(although Lavender glances periodically toward her DS).)

Black-robed Figure: (speaks in a high, strangely feminine voice) So…you’d sell your soul to rid the world of terrible diaper fics, huh?

Lavender and Mina: (Squeak incoherently in terror)
Black Garbed Figure: ….(Sigh) Yes, I’m scary. I know. Can we get past that for a moment so we can talk?
Mina: Um…(gulps) Sure….something about d-diapers, right?
Lavender: (whimpers, lowering her ears) I wish I’d been wearing one a few seconds ago…
Black garbed figure: Yes. Did you or did you not say you’d sell your soul to keep terrible diaper stories from ever tainting the internet again?
Mina: I guess…not in those exact words, but yeah.
Black cloaked figure: (squeals in delight and clasps her hands together) Wonderful! It’s a deal, then. (gently pushes her hood back to reveal a female arctic fox-morph with long brown hair tied into a ponytail by a pink bow) your souls for an internet free of stupidity!
Mina and Lavender: (gape in openmouthed awe)
Devil Remmy: …(sighs and massages one of her temples with her free hand) Why is that the reaction I always get? Can’t there be, just once, someone EXPECTING the devil to be fuzzy and cute?
Lavender: (blinks perplexedly) Wait…you mean…you’re the devil?
Mina: And you’re really gonna trade our souls for…?!
Devil Remmy: (grins) Yep!
Mina: WHAT?! But we were just joki-
Devil Remmy: Cork it! You said what you said, and it’s too late to take it back. (sticks her tongue out) Now, if you’ll come with me…
Lavender: But…but…(small voiced)
Devil Remmy: Nuh uh! No buts! I get it trouble if I don’t get my clients to hell in under thirty minutes. Time’s a tickin’, kids.
Lavender: ….Can I at least change my pants before going to hell?
Devil Remmy: NAY! (maniacle laughter)
Lavender: (whimper)
Mina: (under her breath) This sucks.
Devil Remmy: Now then, off we go! (Snaps her fingers. As she does so, the room is devoured by flame, replaced shortly afterward by a room painted in Pastel colors and furnished with a number of nursery essentials.)
Devil Remmy: (Spreads her arms wide) Welcome to Hell’s Nursery! From now on, you’ll be spending a lot of time in here.
Mina: *prods the cushioning of a near by crib, and humms thoughtfully.) You know, for being a product of the void of eternal damnation, this place isn’t so bad…
Lavender: Yeah- I thought you were supposed to get PUNISHED in hell.
Devil Remmy: (Peers at the girls over her shoulder with a sly grin) Oh, but you WILL be punished. You see, since you sold your souls to rid the world of horrible diaper stories, they’ll all be sent directly to you instead. What’s more, as part of your penance for selling your souls, you’ll be forced to read them all- EVERY SINGLE ONE! (maniacle laughter ensues)
Lavender: (Gasps) But that’s…EVIL!
Mina: You psychotic worm-crapping assgasm!
Devil Remmy : (narrows her eyes) HEY! You sassy little-…(blinks) …you know I’ve never heard that one before. I’ll have remember it. Anyway, your punishment will take place in here. (leads the girls to a small door marked “The Reading Theater” with sharpie. The paint is peeling off, and parts of it look as though they’ve been stained with blood)
Lavender: (gulps) I think I re-wet my pants…
Mina: ….What does “Redrum” mean?
Devil Remmy: Ignore that. Now, I might as well start your punishment right away, so I’ll go ahead and inform you that your first ever assignment will be an insuferrably cliché crapfest known as “Teenage Tantrums”, which reads as though it were written by a retarded sloth. (draws a timer from her pocket and twists the knob to the appropriate setting.) You’ll be given a short break when this timer goes off, so feel free to get up and stretch once you hear it ring. After all, even in Hell, forcing you to read the entire thing straight through would be too cruel. (smiles warmly and places her hands behind her back) So, do you both understand?
Mina and Lavender: (nod their affirmation)
Devil Remmy: Goody! (opens the door and ushers the girls through) Have fun! I’ll see you when the timer rings!

(Timer begins ticking)
(Open to theater)
Mina: (shuffles into her seat) Augh! There’s GUM all over this seat!
Lavender: Ew, and the floors are all sticky!
Mina: Geeze, the accommodations are pretty crappy in Hell.
Lavender: I suppose it was to be expected…
Mina: Yeah, I guess. Still though, you’d think that-AUGH!…My popcorn was just stolen by a cockroach the size of a small truck! (watches) And that cockroach was just eaten by a rat the size of a slightly larger truck. (continues to watch) and the rat was just eaten by Hitler.
Lavender: Well, in the interest of optimism, I suppose if the seating accommodations are this bad, the story can’t be much worse…
Mina: Lav, do you know the meaning of the phrase “Knock on wood”?
Lavender: No, why?
Mina: (sigh) Never mind.

Mina: Stop that.
Lavender: Sorry.

Mina: Harry who? Harry WHO?!
Lavender I don’t know about you, but this mystery has me on the edge or my seat.
Mina: I’m not even on the edge anymore. I straight out fell off.

My name’s Victoria.
Mina: And I’m an alcoholic.
Lavender: Victoria has…SECRETS! Hyuck.
Mina: I am very tempted to hit you right now.

My brother was embarrassing.
Mina: He had an ass for a face.
Lavender: Watching him eat was a wholly unpleasant affair.

He is a year older than me. As this story starts he was approaching his 18th birthday.
Mina: Uh oh, age of consent…
Lavender: (whimper) Please tell me this isn’t an incest fic.
Mina: (hiss) Shut up! You’ll jinx us!

In relationships he was immature.
Mina(as girlfriend): Oh Harry, I’ve never been with a man I’ve loved so dearly…I…I think I’ve truly fallen for you…(sensually) I think I may be ready to move our relationship to the next level.
Lavender(as Harry): Tee hee! (points) You’ve got boobies on your chest!

I had lost count of the number of my friends who were his girlfriends then dropped.
At home he was irritating and boorish. When my mum asked him embarrassing questions he tended just to walk away. Sometimes he slammed doors.
Mina: Slammed doors?! That FIEND!
Lavender: Why, next thing you know, he might start putting his elbows on the table!

However the worst moment was at college.
Lavender: A year of which he wouldn’t have spent if it weren’t for that horse.
Mina: Yeah. Not like that’s impossibly obscure or anything.
Lavender: But it makes ME happy…

This was really a school for 16-18 year olds. The pupils ought to be adults. However Harry STARTED a food fight with some of the younger girls.
Mina:…That must have been a pretty intense food fight for its beginning to unleash the fury of caps lock.

One final thing.
Lavender: We’re out of milk and paper towels.

They say “Gentlemen lift the seat”. Harry is not a Gentleman.
Mina: He is, in fact, a gentleWOMAN.
Lavender: PLOT-TWIST!

If I was in a hurry to use the loo and forgot to check I very often found that
Mina: The toilet was missing.

I was sitting in his piss.

Lavender: Loving parents or aliens in disguise? Tonight at eleven.

I am already an aunty. Samantha, my oldest sister went off to America and got married. Within a few months both our dad and her husband died.
Mina: They were killed by a fatal contraction of Vagueititis
Lavender: Wait, Mina, don’t you see? The author is using an ingenious technique of omission that allows the audience to decide what happened for themselves!
Mina: Ah, I see. So how do you think they died?
Lavender: I think they were both in the same car, and careened off a cliff when they ran over a turtle and spun out of control.
Mina: I think the dad caught a giant swordfish off the coast of Florida, and while showing it off, accidentally stabbed the husband in the chest with it. That, consequentially, caused the dad to lose his footing and fall over the edge, where he was sliced to ribbons by the boat’s propellers.
Lavender: I think they were on a mission to save the earth from an asteroid, but the dad had to stay behind and blow himself up in order to destroy it. I’m assuming the husband killed himself shortly afterward because Michael Bay made a movie about it.
Mina: I think they made the mistake of stopping to ask for directions in a town called “Silent Hill”.
Lavender: I think they were both raped to death by a big fat flying co-
Mina: (swat) NONE OF THAT! Bad girl!
Lavender: (whimpers) Sorry…

Samantha is very clever.
Mina: But, sadly, not clever enough to navigate her way out of this story.

She is a mining engineer. Her husband Dave had looked after Paul
Mina: Newman!

and Dawn
Lavender: With bleach!

. I heard that Dave’s sister Mildred had looked after her nephew and niece. Also that she was very close to Samantha.
Lavender: In fact, she was standing only a few inches away from her.

In April Mildred, Samantha Paul and Dawn came to stay.
Mina: They were never seen again.

We knew that Samantha would have to leave for 2 months. She would be working in the Czech republic. Mildred had mentioned that she wanted to have a holiday in Europe but it would be hard with the kids.

My mum appalled me by offering to look after Paul and Dawn.
Lavender: Genorosity?! We’ll have none of that in THIS house, thank you very much!

Mina: A story of survival and friendship- Tonight on Lifetime.

Dawn was wonderful. She was 16 months old talking a lot and really interesting.
Lavender(as Dawn): Ga ga babba boo!
Mina(as Victoria): Fascinating! And what do you think of the current trifles in the middle east?
Lavender(as Dawn): POOPY!

It was nice being with her.
Paul had been spoiled all his life.
Lavender: That’s what you get for not refrigerating your kids properly.

He talked a lot- mostly shouted. He knew all about his 3rd birthday.
Mina: He’d studied it very carefully.

Paul was also quite tall and strong for his age. He occasionally hit Dawn. (Harry had been known to hit me). He saw Harry slam the door, and learned this behaviour.
Mina: gasp A second door slamming fiend is born!
Lavender: Is there no hope for humanity?

One thing Paul had not learned was the use of the toilet or potty. It was embarrassing he LOOKED 5 or 6 and still wore diapers- nappies. He messed as well as wetting them.
Mina: That last sentence brought to you by Downs Syndrome incorporated!

What made things worse was that Mildred and Samantha had firm views. One thing they believed in was that disposable diapers were an environmental disaster. Both the children wore toweling ones.

A 4 stone (56lb) 3 year old can produce a lot of wee wee.
Mina: This is a very scientific evaluation.
Lavender(As pretentious scientist): After thorough deliberation, the Scientific Board of Research has concluded that if a toddler drinks, it will produce “wee wee”. We have also concluded that this phenomenon is a direct result of Boogerface Fartington’s Wa-waàTinkle Postulate.

Paul needed 3 layers of nappies.
Lavender: Layer one: The Permacrap.
Mina: Layer two: The Odorsphere.
Lavender: Layer three: The core, otherwise known as the Nuclear Bootystankus

It was very obvious to anyone when he went out what underwear he needed.

Lavender: THE MOVIE!

I started the 10th attempt to toilet train Paul.
Mina: I didn’t expect the return alive.

I showed him the potty.
Lavender(As Victoria with an faux Italian accent): This is the toilet. You use it to “take care” of lowlifes who fail to pay the godfadda’s owes.
Mina: (Blinks) Remmy…I’m speechless!
Lavender: (shrugs) Meh, with the amount of time I spend with you, some of your darkness was bound to rub off on me.

I somehow managed to get my boyfriend Ian to show him its use.
Mina: (sigh) Now after that last comment, that line seems so much more morbid.
Lavender: You’re welcome!

Harry of course had refused to help.

Paul said he knew what he had to do. I took the risk of putting him in training pants.
Lavender: He was known to explode when wearing them.

There were 3 major accidents that day. However his younger sister was watching.

“Can Dawn use the Potty?”
Lavender: Find out on the next exciting episode of DRAGON BALL ZEEEEEEEEE!

Within a week the 16 month old girl was clean
Mina: Dawn’s days of cocaine addiction were finally over.

and dry. The 3 year old boy was still in nappies.
I also noticed Harry’s attitude. He said how disgusting babies were. He looked away when Paul was being changed.
Lavender: Um…did they expect him to watch INTENTLY as the little boy was being disrobed and cleaned?
Mina: Harry is about to disappoint a long ancestry of creepy pedophiles, it seems.

But you could see him watching from the corner of his eyes.
Lavender: Oh ho ho! What’s this?
Mina: Well hey! Maybe one day he’ll wear an ankle bracelet just like mommy’s!

Mildred came back. She said she was not surprised.

“Boys were always backwards.”
Mina: You know, I’ve noticed this too.
Lavender: Yeah, I read somewhere that boys have their butts on the front.
Mina: I remember that. Yeah, I think that was in National Geographic or something.

She made sure that Harry was in the room when she revealed that he had used diapers when I, a year younger, had been potty trained. Somehow Mildred managed to get her nephew to learn the use of the toilet- or bathroom as she insisted on saying.
Mina: Important plot development in a single sentence! This is INTENSE!
Lavender: Almost as intense as head trauma!
Mina: I’m not seeing much of a difference between the two, really.

Mina: In 3D!

As his exams approached Harry acted as though he had a license to behave horribly.
Mina: Like James Bond, only retarded.

He went out of his way to insult me, mother, Samantha and Mildred. It was June the 1st that made up my mind that he needed to be punished- and gave Samantha an idea of how to do it. Harry was about to go to college. Mother said:
Lavender(as mother): You’re a wizard, Harry!
Mina: That was bound to happen sooner or later.

“Would you get these things from the market on your way home?”
Lavender(as Harry, reading the list): Let’s see…apples, milk, cheese, toilet paper, spaghetti-o’s and…Anal Lube?
Mina(as mother, embarrassed): Oh, my! Um…how on earth did that get on there? Go ahead and cross that out…

Lavender: This scene is a lot more entertaining if you imagine him saying that in Darth Vader’s voice.

Harry slammed the front door. About five minutes later Samantha asked her son,

“Please Paul, would you pick up your toys- they 're in the way?”
Lavender: Is she sure about that?
Mina: Maybe they’re ambiguously in the way.


Paul slammed the playroom door. That lunchtime I had to get home to get a book. Paul was being a pain.
Mina: He was stabbing people again.

Mildred said:

“Look Paul, you’ve got to eat this- it’s all we’ve got!”
Mina(as Mildred): I don’t want to eat sewer rats either, but it’s all we’ve got!

Paul’s reply was effective but infuriating.
Lavender: I’ve got my hopes set on the middle finger.
Mina: I’ve got mine on an Uzi hidden in his diaper.
Lavender:…well, I’ll concede that that WOULD be pretty infuriating.
Mina: Infuriating AND effective!

Lavender(as vader): DO NOT WANT!

I was bending down looking for my book. Yeah I know it shouldn’t have been in the dining room but weren’t you 16 once.
Mina: …What?
Lavender: Don’t question it. This is clearly some sort of profound cryptic message that will reveal all of the world’s secrets when solved.
Mina: Really? I thought it was just an idiot trying to use a keyboard.

Harry emptied his plate on me.
Mina: Oh god, I hope they were eating sulfuric acid for dinner…
Lavender: Mina! Don’t you want to find out what happens?
Mina: As a matter of fact, no.
Lavender: But-but…the characters are so finely detailed and their chemistry and interactions are so elaborate and-…yeah, I couldn’t keep that up with a straight face.

I got cleaned up and rushed off to college.
Lavender: I hope by college she means the Bat Cave.
Mina: But alas, that might make the story reasonably interesting.

I needed to have a snack. Just as I came in I saw my older brother emptying his plate on a poor member of the catering staff.
Mina: Wow, he sure is fast.
Lavender: Harry, Super-Douchebag! Senseless dickery at the speed of light!

Lavender: THE MUSICAL!

People are not supposed to be able to buy alcohol at a bar until they are 18.
Lavender: Curse you and your low drinking age, Europe! (pout)
Mina: You’re so cute when you infuriated by social injustice.

Many pubs ignore this rule.
Mina: And those are the cool ones.

The dog and duck was one such.
Lavender: As much can be expected from a pub straight out of Middle Earth.

At lunchtime Harry often went in and drank too much. They should not have served Harry and a dozen other young regulars but they felt they needed the custom.
Mina: It’s important to uphold tradition, you know.

Needing the custom was the reason the pub introduced another institution. The “Woman’s Bar”. There were two big employers of women nearby.
Mina: One of them was called “Hooters”.
Lavender: Wow, Mina! That was pretty misogynistic for a cynic of the female variety.
Mina: As far as I’m concerned, every character in this story is a whore. Even the guys.
Lavender: Even the pets!
Mina: I’m not going to go that far.

Three lunchtimes a week One room was designated “Women only”.
Mina: THE One room, apparently.
Lavender: What incredible happenings take place in the legendary “One” room?
Mina: Probably epic things.
Lavender: Incredible super secret things?
Mina: I’d say so.
Lavender: Haw. Boys don’t get to know the secrets of the universe. (sticks her tongue out)
Mina: That’s what they get for having cooties.

The workers could drink and eat without being harassed by male customers. It was rather successful. It should also be noted that
Mina: the bar was on fire.

there was an exception made to the no-male rule when a woman brought a 1 year old in.
Lavender: How much do you wanna bet this will never show up in the story again?
Mina: Oh, I dunno. I bet they’ll bring Harry back in a diaper and parade him around as a “one year-old”, or something equally mind-numbing.
Lavender: I’m not sure I’m ready to assume the author’s THAT stupid.
Mina: I’m expecting the worst, here.

This particular lunchtime Harry was drunker than usual. This was before one o’clock. The barman quite rightly said:
Lavender(as Barman): Son, there’s a wolverine gnawing on your genitals.
Mina(as Harry): Huh? Oh, hey, what do ya know!

“No more Harry.”
Mina(as Barman): I’m sorry, but our love can never be.

Harry stormed into the woman’s bar and demanded to be served.
Lavender: And after a quick dance off, he did get served.
Mina: He got the shit served out of him.

The embarrassing scene ended with the words:
Mina: The and End.
Lavender: If only we were so lucky.

“You’re barred.”
Lavender: Hooray! Harry became a Lawyer!
Mina: That hardly warrants a “hooray”.

Sadly it is also possible to buy drink from super markets. The following day -
Lavender: JUDGEMENT Day-

this in the middle of his exams- Harry came in. The following conversation occurred between Harry and the barmaid.
Lavender(as Harry): Hide me! I just found out I’m stuck in a crappy diaper story!
Mina(as Barmaid): Oh, you poor thing…here, this is all I’ve got. (pantomimes holding a gun.) I can make it quick.

"I told you. You’re barred! "

“But I must have a fucking piss!”
Mina and Lavender: (giggle fit)
Lavender: Best line ever?
Mina: Best line ever.

“If you don’t go out now I’ll call the Police.”
Lavender: They’ll stop you in the name of love!

“But before I go!”
Mina: a riddle!

Harry then made a puddle on the bar floor. What made things worse was that on this occasion the “Woman’s bar” was being used for some function
Mina: I have the feeling this “function” was some sort of sinister plot.
Lavender: (Gasp!) Voldemort’s probably in there!

and the main bar was full of ladies.
Mina(as Quagmire): Giggity giggity giggity!

Mina: An interactive how-to from the home and garden channel.

Both Samantha and Mildred were very angry with Harry.
Mina: So angry they couldn’t even describe their feelings in more than a single sentence.

Mildred admitted having had difficulty coping with Paul.
Lavender: He kept finding ways out of the punishment labyrinth.

She had a very strict upbringing- as had Dave. Mildred remembered being hit a lot. She also remembered her older brother once being put in a frock.

Both Tom
Mina: Tom?
Lavender: You know, the guy from Myspace!
Mina: I don’t know about you, but he’s one of the last people I’d want around my kids.

and Mildred had been specially liberal with Paul
Mina: McCartney!

and Dawn
Lavender: moisturizing hand soap with lemon scented freshness!

. This was in part a reaction. They suppressed anger. They had wanted to be horrid but knew it was counter productive.
Mina: Yeah, that’s kind of how most normal people work.

Samantha’s suggestion would allow Mildred especially to get rid of
Mina: Harry
Lavender: Communism

some of her anger.
Mina: We were close.

Paul was 3 maybe he did not know better. Harry was, supposedly about to be an adult.
Mina: That comma looks a little lost.
Lavender: No, I think that was intentional. You see, Harry WAS, but is no longer.
Mina: Wow. If that means what I think it does, then that’s the best news I’ve heard all day!
Lavender: Sadly, I don’t think it does. Check out the length of that scroll bar; we’re barely half way through.
Mina: There is no God.

If he behaved badly punishment would be quite in order.
Lavender: Not revenge…PUNISHMENT.
Mina: Nerd.
Lavender: Bite me.

We managed to give exactly the impression we wanted to Harry.
Mina: That he was worth something and we cared whether he lived or died.

We talked about a special surprise. Harry wanted a motorbike.
Lavender(as Harry): KANEDAAAAAAA!

A few months earlier Mother was even thinking of buying one. Papers with adverts for second hand, even new, bikes were left around. Some had been circled.

We made sure that Harry heard about the “surprise” which would come his way on Mid Summers day.
Lavender: Mid Summers day? Is that some kind of holiday in jolly 'ole England?
Mina: What, you’ve never heard of Mid Summers? He was the guy who invented those cardboard rings they put around coffee cups to keep them from burning your hands. That man single handedly prevented so many lawsuits that his birthday was immortalized as a holiday.
Lavender: The more you know!

This was both his birthday and the day of his last exam
Lavender: where he would fight the Hungarian Horntail.
Mina: You’re the most pompous Harry Potter geekette I’ve ever met.
Lavender: (sniffles) Sirius…

Samantha, Mildred, Dawn and Paul now had a place of their own. They would stay in England for a year. Harry had never visited their new house. He had heard people say how good it would be for the party.


At just after noon that Friday Mildred collected Harry.
Lavender: All forty-seven of his separate pieces.

“We’ve got a surprise for you.”
Mina: It’s syphilis!

When he arrived at the house Harry was taken down into the big basement room.
It was soundproof.
Mina: Oh dear.
Lavender: I hope this ends with Harry slicing his aunts down with a Katana and stealing their motorcycle afterward.
Mina: Zed’s dead, baby.
Lavender: HA! I knew it! You are a geek!
Mina: Quoting Pulp Fiction is NOT geeky!

There had at one time by some former owner the idea that it would be a studio.
Mina: I’m not sure we want to know what KIND of studio.

The original owner of the place thought of it as a bomb shelter… Mildred started proceedings:

“Paul and Dawn have got presents for you. Don’t open them yet just say thankyou. Then their granny will look after them.”
Somehow Harry managed to get out
Lavender: YES! Run for it, Harry!
Mina: Call the cops! CALL THE COPS!

Lavender: Awww.
Mina: Dumbass.

Samantha and I were watching from a small room. Harry did not know.
Mina: And thus was his fatal mistake.

Mildred temporarily left. The front door was heard to slam. Harry started to undo the very well wrapped package.

Lavender: We didn’t say ‘Simon Says!’

Harry’s last ex girlfriend Jenny-who had dropped him
Mina: Nice going, butterfingers.
Lavender: These people need stronger grips. Sheesh.

Rather than being dropped shouted. She was dressed rather provocatively.

"That’s a very special present-
Mina: That present gets to ride in the short bus!
Lavender: Ah, so Harry and his gift have something in common!

and I’ve got a special present but you’ve got to be ready."

Jenny climbed down the stairs and went over to Harry. He was sitting on what looked like
Mina: a dead hooker.

Lavender: a dead hooker NAMED Sofa.
Mina: That works too.

She sat next to him. Button by button she undressed him. He seemed to like it.
Lavender: …‘Seemed to like it’? People usually aren’t that hard to read in…erm…those situations.
Mina: They’re studying the wild Harry’s responses to foreign stimuli.

“Now you can undo Dawn’s present.”

He worked at it fiercely.
Lavender(As Harry): Damned thing keeps fighting back!

Finally he got the paper off. He then tried to get through what he assumed was the rest of the wrapping.
Mina: So…he tried to get through the wrapping he already unwrapped?
Lavender: Let’s just assume he wrapped it again for the sport of it.

He was angry when he asked.
Mina(as Harry): Where do babies come from?!

“What do we need all these fucking towels for?”
Lavender: Toga party!

Dawn then handed him a package. It was again carefully and tightly gift wrapped:

“This goes with the kids’ presents.”

He eventually opened the package.
Lavender: Over the course of several months.

There were 6 pairs of enormous transparent plastic panties:

“What the FUCK are these for?”
Mina: Whoa, capitalized AND bolded! We’re in for some serious business now.
Lavender: I’m afraid, Mina.
Mina: It’ll be over soon, hon…I hope.

At this point I opened one door and Mildred opened another at the top of the stairs.
Mina: These people sure have a lot of doors.

We shouted:
Lavender: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn! Ia! Ia! Cthulu fhtagn!”
Mina: Not even Cthulu could save this story now.

“To go over your DIAPERS.”

I do not know whether Harry knew American.
Lavender: America has its own language now?
Mina: Ever heard of Ebonics?
Lavender: Oh.

However he must have guessed. Samantha ran across the room. At the same time Jenny grabbed his left hand. Samantha pushed a mitten over his right hand and Jenny over the left.
Lavender: Wait…so Samantha pushed Jenny over his left hand? Does that mean….?
Mina and Lavender: EEEEW!

They quickly pulled and tied draw strings.
Harry tried to yell.

“What the…?”
Mina: More or less what we’ve been saying since the first sentence.

I had spent three weeks practicing this next move.
Lavender: She finally mastered the Kamehameha wave!

I stuffed a huge dummy into his mouth.
Mina: Poor guy. First the crash test, now this.
Lavender: Victoria isn’t a very good ventriloquist.

Harry was trying to kick whilst Jenny held one arm and Samantha held the other. The dummy was held in place with a strong but pretty ribbon.
Lavender: Now there’s two adjectives that should be paired more often.
Mina: Hmmm…this Gorilla sure is strong…but is it pretty?

Mildred then addressed the delinquent:

“You will now listen, look and learn.”

A tape then played an extract from a radio programme about toddler tantrums.
Lavender: Blech, AM radio. That’s punishment enough right there.

“NO! NO! I won’t!”

The child’s foot stamped
Lavender: and mailed a letter to Santa.
Then came an extract from a tape Harry did not know about. It had his voice.
Lavender(as Harry with a faux Austrian accent): Get yah ass to Mahs!


A door slams.
Lavender: and for a moment, the world is still.

Then Mildred used her visual aids.

“This was the kitchen floor after Paul aged Two had a bad day. This is the refectory floor after Harry had a bad day.”
Lavender: (pantomime’s holding back vomit) That was a PERSON?!
Mina: Wow…so that’s what a human liver looks like.

Each picture showed a mess with food everywhere. Mildred continued:

“We have decided, that you need a lesson. For the next three months you will be treated according to your emotional age- a bit younger than Dawn.”
Mina: Yeah. Not like that’s illegal or anything.
Lavender: (waves her arms in broad gestures with a freakishly cheery grin) ANYTHING’S possible if you put your mind to it!

I then gave my younger brother an instruction.
Mina(as Victoria): Right foot green, maggot.

“Fold your arms.”

Jenny and Samantha allowed him to move his arms in the required way. Amazingly he obeyed.
Lavender: Who needs character consistency anyway?

Strings were then tied. We had him where we wanted him.
Lavender: In a jar.

We did not want to torture him- at least not physically. He could be left like that for hours if we wanted to.
Mina: …because incapacitating someone against their will and keeping them in an uncomfortable position for a prolonged period of time is SO much better.
Lavender: Jenny, Samantha and Victoria have a promising future as guards in Abu Grhaib.

Now Samantha is very strong, Mildred is what I believe Americans call homely. other words might be cuddly or motherly.
Lavender: Cuddly AND homely?
Mina: Maybe she’s like a pug; huggable, but ugly as sin.

Harry could best be described as scrawny -thin and weak. Suddenly Samantha grabbed Harry’s feet and lifted them into the air. Mildred sat in the Middle of the sofa. Jenny picked him up by the top of his trunk.
Lavenders: They must have cut the scene where Harry turned into an elephant.
Mina: Good luck trying to diaper Ganish

My brother’s behind was then laid on Mildred’s lap. Jenny held his head and more particularly his hair.
Lavender: Yep, definitely no torture here!

“Now watch what your sister’s doing.”

I then carefully folded one of the huge nappies into a kite shape. I took about five minutes.

“All ready!”
Mina(as Jenny): Good. Now let the human sacrifice begin!

I said. Jenny lifted baby’s body and Samantha his legs. I slipped the napkin onto Mildred’s lap.
Lavender: Proper dining etiquette is ALWAYS important to observe!

The infant was lowered on to his diaper. Safety pins were secured. The patronizing prick was imprisoned in bulky babywear.
Lavender: I think she forgot what Harry’s name was.
Mina: ADD, you know?

But we were not finished. Mildred explained:

Paul’s diaper often came loose."

New pins were secured tightening the toweling didy round the delinquent. I then added my comment:
Lavender(as victoria): Sry Hrry but ur off my top 8 lol.
Mina: This sadistic diapering session has: 9 comments. View-Reply

“BIG babies do a LOT of wee wee.”
Lavender: As stated by Boogerface Fartington’s Wa-waàTinkle Postulate.
Mina: Wee wee is produced in direct proportion to the size of the toddler squared.

I carefully folded a second diaper. When I was ready Harry was lifted onto his nappy and it was very securely safety pinned in place. I made one more comment.

“Babies do a lot and lot of wee wee.”
Mina: That’s deep.
Lavender: By Jove! I think she may be on to something.

A third diaper was folded and fastened round the troublesome teenager’s intimate area.
Lavender: His nipples!
Mina: No.

I slipped one pair of baby panties over Harry’s feet. For a second I held his feet together. Then Samantha grabbed his feet and pulled them a little apart. I pulled them towards his nappies.
Lavender: His FEET?
Mina: Ouch!

Once there the adolescent’s ass lifted and the panties were carefully positioned.
Lavender: How carefully, I wonder?
Mina: Pretty carefully. They brought an engineer in to have a look at it. He had schematics and everything.

Mildred took time to adjust the knickers over the nappies.

A second pair of plastic panties was placed over the first. Mildred explained.

“We don’t any leaks do we baba?”
Lavender: They transformed him into a giant baby bottle?
Mina: That’ll show 'im!

(buzzer rings)
Mina: Is that…?
Lavender: YES! First part’s over! We SURVIVED!
Mina: Only barely. I think I may have suffered permanent brain damage.
Lavender: You know, to be honest, this story isn’t that bad. I mean, it’s a piece of crap, but it doesn’t resemble a lobotomized troll puking letters onto the screen like a few other diaper stories do.
Mina: Damnit, Lav, shut up! Don’t give them any ideas!
Lavender: (clasps her hands over her mouth) Oh, right, sorry.
Mina: Besides…even a few of THOSE stories have plots more coherent than this one.
Lavender: I don’t think this one had a plot to begin with.
Mina: Point taken. Lord, we’ve got to find a way out of here. I’m not sure I can manage another part of this story.
Lavender: Well…there IS a chance it could get better, right?
Mina: Lavender, if you think we’ve passed the worst of the worst already, you haven’t read enough internet fiction.
Lavender: (ears flatten in distress) Oh god…
Mina: That’s right, it’s only going to get worse from here.
Lavender: (Teary-eyed) We’re not going to make it out alive, are we?
Mina: I don’t know, sweetie. I don’t know.

Lavender and Mina go to Diaper Story Hell by Remmy

Lavander and Mina, Teenage Tantrums Part II (Electric Boogaloo)
Open to hell, where we find our heroines stepping dejectedly out of the reading theater.)

Lavender: We have GOT to find a way out of here. I think that story gave me cancer.
Mina: No kidding; if I knew this was what hell would be like, I’d’ve gone the straight and narrow years ago.
Lavender: There must be vents or something around here, right? We could always try to Solid Snake our way out of here…
Mina: Lav, this is hell. I honestly doubt they have air conditioning here.
Lavender: Well, you never know, right?
Mina: I think our best bet is to try to dig our way out- if we can just find a spoon…
Lavender: Mina, last I checked, it wasn’t that easy to tunnel your way through solid stone.
Mina: Well, I don’t see YOU coming up with any ideas!
Lavender: What? I just DID! Vents, remember?
Mina: I mean I don’t see you coming up with any GOOD ideas.
Lavender: HEY! That was uncalled fo- …wait a second, look! (points toward the center of the nursery, where a hispanic janitor can be seen casually sweeping miscellaneous floor-dwelling debris into a dustpan, whistling merrily to himself as he does so.) Look! It’s a Janitor!
Mina: (nods, scratching her chin contemplatively) Yeah- a human janitor, but at this point I’m just glad to see a face that isn’t white, furry, and part of a demonic vixen driving the underworld with an iron fist.
Lavender: Hey, he’s a janitor, right? Maybe he knows a way out of here!
Mina: My thoughts exactly. (cups her hands) Hey! You over there! What’s your name?
Hispanic Janitor: (blinks and lifts his head, staring at the girls in bewilderment) …Que?
Mina: (face palms) Of course…

A pillar of flame suddenly erupts from the floor, setting nearby objects-including the janitor- on fire. From the flames a figure clothed in black materializes, hood drawn back to reveal her face. Remmy, mistress of the underworld and all things evil, steps forward with a puckish grin, waving away the remaining wisps of smoke that stray in front of her. She gently traces a finger along the shaft of her triple-pronged lance, eyes alight with a malignant glee.

Remmy: What, trying to escape already? But you haven’t even finished your first story yet! Tsk, how disappointing. (Sighs and shakes her head with a melodramatic slowness.) I gave you two more credit than that; I figured it’d take at least two or three to break you.
Lavender: Pfft. Have you READ that thing? It’s like what would happen if Hitler were reincarnated in the form of a diaper story.
Mina: It probably would have killed us if we weren’t already in hell.
Remmy: You know, it’s truly amazing how much I don’t care.
Mina: (muttering in an undertone) Bitch…
Remmy: (Turns her gaze upward in thought) Well, yes, technically. But that’s beside the point. I decided to pay you two a little visit to inform you that the rules will be a little different with the next installment you’ll be reading. You see, I KNOW what you two are doing in there, and I feel it fitting to add a bit of a handicap to your little game. Lavender!
Lavender: (Jumps, yanking her finger out of her nose) IWASPAYINGATTENTIONISWEAR!
Remmy: …Right. Anyway, today’s handicap will be for you alone.
Lavender: WHAT?! How’s that fair?
Remmy: Hello? Since when has fairness been a part of eternal damnation?
Lavender: (folds her arms and pouts)
Remmy: Anyway; since you seem to enjoy twisting innocent lines sexual innuendos, you’ll be punished for doing anything of the sort this time through. You’ll get three strikes; if you make any more than three dirty jokes, you’ll be punished.
Lavender: (eyes widen) WHAT?! But…but…that’s like trying to take the drug references out of Cheech and Chong!
Remmy: (Shrugs) Sorry, sweetie, rules are rules.
Lavender: (whimpers, eyes watering and bottom lip trembling)
Mina: I’m trying really, REALLY hard not to smile, but my lips seem to have a mind of their own…
Lavender: (pouts) You could at least PRETEND to be sorry for me.
Mina: I would, but it’s just too funny.
Lavender: Hmph. (stomps and turns back toward Remmy with a haughty scoff) Fine. Fine- I’ll accept your little challenge. But first, I want to know what happens if I go over my three strike limit.
Remmy: (shrugs) I dunno, I’ll wash your mouth out with soap or something.
Lavender: Ah…Gotcha.
Remmy: So, is that it? Unless you have any more questions, I’ll go ahead and send you back to your immortal torment.
Mina: (meekly lifts her hand, tail between her legs) Uh, I’ve got one.
Remmy: Yes?
Mina: Where are the bathrooms? I had one of those huge Ice Teas that take about two hours to finish before you dragged me into the realm of the damned; my bladder’s about ready to commit suicide.
Remmy: (lips curl into a smirk so sinister Christopher Walken himself would tremble in fear) Why on earth would we add a bathroom to a nursery? It would be a waste of all the perfectly good diapers we’ve got stocked up if we did…
Mina: Oh, diapers? Score!
Lavender: (Rummages through one of the cupboards) OOH! Hey, Mina, check it out! They’ve got Abenas! DELUXE Abenas! EEE! And they have Attends Overnights with PRINTS on them!
Remmy: (Gapes at the pair of them, dumbfounded) What in the bloody…! HOLD IT! Goddamnit, you’re not supposed to enjoy this!
Mina: (Blinks) ….Um…we were already into this kind of thing from the beginning.
Lavender: Yeah, who ELSE would want to rid the world of terrible diaper stories?
Remmy: Oog…(massages her temples)…whatever…just…go back to the theater, I’m sick of looking at you two.


Mina: (Seats herself, a subtle crinkle eminating from under her jeans) Ah, sweet relief.
Lavender: (Plops into the seat next to Mina’s, a crinkle issued from under her (noticeably drier) skirt as well) You know, as much of a seething bitch as Remmy is, she must be pretty nice at heart to let us wear these.
Mina: I wouldn’t speak so soon; we’ve still got another half of a story to read.
Lavender: We survived the first half, didn’t we?
Mina: That may have just been pure luck.

Lavender: Today on Shark Week!

I went upstairs.
Mina: South Park was on.

I came down with a tray and four pint bottles of baby milk.
Lavender: Hopefully drugged to pump them up for a night of the 'ole Ultraviolence.

I made sure to lock to basement door.
Lavender: You know, the Zombie Survival Guide says this is a big mistake.
Mina: Good: then their chances of them dying a gruesome, bloody death are higher. If the entire population is brutally eaten alive by a horde of flesh-craved zombies, the story might just be saved from it’s downward spiral toward the bottom of the barrel.

I don’t think that Harry knew what was happening. Samantha lifted his bum
Mina: but left the rest of him where it was.

and Mildred got up. In the meantime Jenny had put her former boyfriend’s head into her lap.
Lavender: EEEEEW!
Mina: Meh, he lived a good life.

She undid the ribbon and took out the dummy. I handed her the real thing.
Lavender: She handed her the REAL dummy?
Mina(as Pinocchio): I’m a real boy!

For a second Harry’s lips were sealed.
Mina(as Harry): I ain’t telling’ yas nothing’!

Jenny pulled his hair.
Mina: If she keeps doing that, Harry’s gonna be harassed, humiliated AND bald.

He accepted the feed.
Lavender: When raising domestic Harries, it’s important to integrate proper nutrients into their Harry Feed.

I could see he was beginning to get restless. His bladder was filling.
Mina: Danger! Danger! Thirty minutes until bladder hits critical mass!
Lavender: If they don’t take action soon, we could have another Chernobyl on our hands…

When he had finished his first pint Jenny stood up and lifted his head.
Mina(as Jenny): (Pantomime’s holding up a severed head) This is what happens to those who oppose me!

She made very certain she still had hair.
Mina(as Jenny, feeling her head): Is it still there?
Lavender(as Mildred): Yep, looks like it.

It was not being pulled but he knew what would happen if he did not cooperate.
Mina: He’d get a lobotomy.
Lavender: It’s a little late for that, I think.

Samantha fed him his second bottle.
Lavender: Plastic and all.

By the end of it he was fidgeting a lot.
Now my big brother’s head was in my lap.
Lavender: Sounds like they’re playing Hot Potato with his head.
Mina: Maybe it’s like the Talking Stick: You have to hold Harry’s head before you’re allowed to do something retarded.

he might have been able to feel the rather course cloth of my skirt.
Mina: He MIGHT have been able to feel it. We don’t know for sure; the survey results haven’t come in yet.

He was fidgeting a lot.
Lavender: I think he’s fidgeting a lot, Mina.
Mina: Are you sure about that? I don’t know, I think they should mention it another two or three times- you know, just so we can be SURE.

I gave his hair a reminder tug.

About two thirds of the way through the feed he pulled away- despite the pain in his hair.
Lavender: (winces)
Mina: That bald spot’s gonna be a bitch to cover up later.

He ran up the stairs. We watched.
Mina(as narrator): It was funny.

His arms and hands were useless.
Mina: Hey! That was just uncalled for!
Lavender: Poor things…that’s gonna be a massive toll on their self esteem.

In any case the door was locked.

“But you don’t understand I MUST have a piss!”
Lavender: (sniffles) That…that’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard…
Mina: In the future, scholars of literature will reflect on this line as the apex of creative achievement.
Lavender: Shakespeare would crap his pants in awe were he here today.

Mildred explained.
Mina(as Mildred): When you talk like that, people think you’ve got down’s syndrome.
Lavender(as Mildred): You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

“BABIES don’t use words like piss. Babies go to the bathroom in their didies. They do wee wee and doo doo in their DIDIES.”
Mina and Lavender: As stated by Boogerface Fartington’s Wa-waàTinkle postulate.

Samantha added.
Mina(as Samantah): 2…+2….=4! I think I’ve got it, you guys!
Lavender: (applauds)

“Now if I have to come up to collect you child you will be in real trouble.”
Mina(as Samantha): If you’ve been dismembered again, you’re really gonna get it!

Mina: Sir, I’m afraid there’s a bear in your colon.

Harry was defeated.
Lavender: The party received 288 experience points and a Phoenix Down.
Mina: The universe was once again at peace.

Down the stairs he came.
Mina: And found himself in a broken heap at the bottom.
Lavender: (shakes her head) Those basement steps can be so slippery….

He lay his head without resistance onto my lap and took the rest of the
Lavender: Knot!
Mina: (swat) BAD GIRL! NO!
Lavender: Ow! (whimpers) But…but…we were both THINKING it!


Then he accepted the 4th feed from Mildred and allowed her to secure his dummy. She also fitted a blindfold.
Lavender: PINATA TIME!
Mina: Harry’s gonna pin the SHIT out of that donkey’s tail.

He could hear noises as Samantha explained.
Mina(as Samantha, making gagging, sputtering noises): AAAAAUGH! AUUUGH! My chest! It’s coming out of my CHEST!
Lavender: And alas, the consequences of eating the eggs you find in a mysterious alien spacecraft…

“We’ve got more surprises for baby.”

He felt things being slipped over his feet.
Mina: They were Piranhas.

He heard the sound of bolts being secured.
Mina: Sorry Harry, looks like it’s the electric chair for you.

He allowed his back to be lifted. His arms were released and his hands pushed into what he thought was a shirt.
Lavender: It was, however, an angry badger’s bum-.
Mina: Ahem. I believe that’s two.
Lavender: Bum…blebee! (smiles innocently)

Then he felt buttons being secured behind him. He felt buttons at his wrists.
Mina: He felt buttons in his eyes!
Lavender: He felt buttons on his thighs!
Mina: He felt buttons in his hair!
Lavender: He felt buttons EVERYWHERE!

Finally he was bodily lifted off the sofa.
Mina and Lavender: snrk
Mina: As opposed to being mentally lifted.
Lavender: I dunno, I’ve suspected for a long time that Victoria has psychic powers.

He was carried across the room. Off came the blind fold. He watched Samantha run away.
Lavender(as Samantha): My god, his face- his FACE!
Mina(as Mildred, horrified): What has science done?

Click-a door was closed.
Mina: Bang-a gun was fired. And so ended Harry’s misery.
Lavender: (Whimpers) Minaaa…you’re darkness is starting to scare me…
Mina: (sighs and rolls her eyes) Fine. When they shot him, CANDY came out.
Lavender: YAAAAY!

About a third of the room was covered
Lavender: In SEMEN!
Mina: NO! swat Bad girl! Lord, I’m almost ready to SUPPORT Remmy on this one…
Lavender: Ow! (whimpers) but YOU would have just said “blood”!
Mina: What you said wasn’t any less dark, girl.

by a Triangular play-pen.

In this part of the basement the ceiling was low. In his part of the room there was six inches between the top and the ceiling.
Mina:…That IS a low ceiling.
Lavender: They’re going to have a hard time maneuvering around a room with a celing six inches off the ground.

He was lying on soft plastic. On two sides through the pink bars he could large mirrors.
Lavender: ….huh?
Mina: My thoughts exactly…
Lavender: So…apparently he has the ability to generate large mirrors on either side of the crib.
Mina: What a crappy superpower.

On the third side I was there- with a video camera.

He looked in the mirror. The reflection had the huge pink dummy gagging it.
Lavender(as Harry): (Makes gagging, choking noises)
Mina: And thus was the end of Harry.
Lavender: (shakes her head in dismay) If only they’d planned ahead.

He or should that be she wore pink mittens.
Lavender: …I think the author got drunk or something.
Mina: Well, to the author’s credit, it IS hard to type with one hand.
Lavender: Huh? What do you mean by that…- EWWWWW!
Mina: Pfff. You were the one who said, and I quote, " two thirds of the room was covered in semen."

He also wore a very short very infantile pink and white check dress.
Lavender: …I can’t even begin to comprehend how ugly that would look.
Mina: I imagine that’s what it would look like if you puked up a bunch of milk and Pepto Bismal.

The dress was not long enough to hide the plastic panties. These were see through. Through them he could see his
Lavender: Internal organs.

very bulky nappies.

The pink booties were padded.
Lavender: They were diapered as well.

This made it harder for him to run. He tried to break out.
Mina and Lavender: (hum the theme from The Great Escape)

He found that the bars’ pink plastic coated solid steel.
Mina: I like how these people paid several thousands of dollars in equipment preparation just to be evil to their douche bag nephew.
Lavender: Yeah; most people would just draw penises on his face when he got drunk and passed out.

At this point his napkins had not been used for their intended purpose.
Lavender: Cleaning tabletops?

He was fidgeting- almost dancing.
Lavender(as Harry): I’ve got a song in me…an’ I just gotta let it all out!
Mina: He’d already put on his top hat and everything.

His big sister Samantha talked to him:
Mina(as Samantha): I’m apparently your sister now.
Lavender: Harry’s mom had a pretty embarrassing past with the mailman.

“You know holding on is bad for your kidneys and your bladder. You’re going to have to use your diapers some time.”
Lavender(as Samantha): Trust me, I looked it up on Wikipedia.

I joined in:

“This is a really interesting dance. Makes a really good little movie.”
Mina: I’m sure it would be a spectacle of cinematic brilliance so profound even Uwe Boll would be brought to tears.

He held on for about an hour.
Lavender: At which point his bladder exploded, taking half of the city with it.
Mina: They should have taken action before it hit critical mass.

Then I could see the change on his face.
Mina(as Victoria): (gasp) Harry! Your face is mutating!
Lavender(as Harry): It does that some times.

I pointed the camera at Harry’s nappies.
Lavender(as Victoria): So, how do YOU feel about the current situation?
Mina(as Nappies): Well, I feel a bit overlooked, and absorbing someone else’s excrement is a pretty frustrating business, but what can I say…ya gotta do what ya gotta do, right?

Despite the vast number of layers a yellow stain spread his loins.
Mina: That’s a pretty strong stain to actually spread his loins apart.
Lavender: And a violent one at that! Sheesh.

Mildred teased him:
Lavender(as Mildred): Mmmm…it’s getting a little HOT in here, isn’t it, big boy?
Mina: (Sighs and adds a tally to her clipboard)
Lavender: …I’m getting my mouth washed out with soap, aren’t I?
Mina: I don’t think it was ever much of a question, really.

"Does baby want a diaper change.
Mina: Profound statement, that.
Lavender: (giggles) Written like that, I can’t help but imagine that line spoken in the voice of Keanu Reeves.

Does Hattie want nice clean diapers?"

The camera we had hired was good enough quality to pick up what was said.
Mina: They HIRED a camera?
Lavender: I hope they’re paying it a decent wage; poor thing’s got a wife and three little webcams to feed.

It also picked up that Harry was nodding vigorously. Mildred went on:

"You know neither Paul nor Dawn ever had diaper rash.
Mina(as Mildred): Thanks in part to the fact that they were actually robots, but that’s entirely beside the point.

I always changed them as soon as they were even a little damp."

Jenny started folding a nappy.
Lavender: More or less just so she has something to do.

As far as you can tell from a guy gagged with a dummy
Mina: He was wishing desperately that they would just kill him and be done with it. At least, that’s the impression I’M getting from the guy gagged with a dummy…
Lavender: He’s pretty much lost all honor and dignity a human being can safely lose at this point. I think Hara Kiri’s the only option he has left.
Mina: Harry committing Hara Kiri with a baby bottle is about the only thing that could save the story at this point.

Harry looked hopeful. Mildred took away the hope:
Mina(As Mildred): No, Harry, the story isn’t over yet. We’ve still got five pages to go.
Lavender: Believe me when I say that your pain is our pain, Harry.

"But it’s not change time for baby Hattie.
Lavender: It’s true; Hattie larvae don’t metamorphosize into adults until late spring, last I heard.

You see there is a horrid little boy aged 18 who needs to be punished.
Mina: His name is Howard Earl Cummings, and he’s wanted for six counts of murder and three counts of rape. If you see this man, alert your local Neighborhood Watch immediately.

He might enjoy diaper changes so they can not be too frequent.
Lavender(as Mildred): Once or twice a month sounds frequent enough.

"Then there is the arithmetic.
Lavender: You + Diaper story= Monstrosity.

You see Dawn and Paul gave Hattie their diapers cos’ they don’t need them any more.
Mina: I don’t see what the cosine has to do with anything.

But they are much littler than baby Hattie.

"What we had to do was turn 72 24 inch squares into 32 36 inch squares.
Mina: Remember these numbers; there’s gonna be a quiz afterward.

There was a lot of sewing. But you know when I told them what it was for Jenny, Sarah and Maeve…"
Mina(as Mildred): …called the police and narrowly missed me with a shotgun slug.

These were some of Harry’s ex girlfriends. I smiled. Jenny smiled.
Lavender: We ALL smiled!

"…were very willing. Plus we need the extra thickness 3 layers during the day 4 at night. So we can’t change baby all that often.
Mina: Letting someone’s nether regions literally rot away in a rancid diaper? Nope, DEFFINATELY no torture here!

"So I’m afraid baby Hattie will just have to soak some.
Mina(as Mildred): The book says we’re supposed to marinate you for an hour or two before you’re ready for the soup.

By the way if Hattie gets diaper rash
Mina: She will have to be disposed of.
Lavender: Going for a record in darkness, Mina?
Mina: You bet your fuzzy purple ass I am.

I know a really good baby-doctor who does house calls. She does not much like teenaged boys though."
Lavender: She says they’re icky and have boy germs.

I went upstairs. Half an hour later I came down.
Mina(as victoria): Upstairs is only slightly less boring than it is down here.

I had been at the edit suit at college.
Mina: Edit suit?
Lavender: You know the power suit Samus wears? It’s like that, only with Photoshop installed on it.

I made a couple of copies of the whole video.
Mina: Sooo…she went to college, made copies, and then returned in under a half hour?
Lavender: Victoria does night shifts as the Flash.

But I also made a loop of the bit which included Mildred’s last little speech and the yellow stain spreading on my brother nappies.
Lavender(in Martin Luther King voice): My brotha’ nappies, we have been oppressed and used by the likes of mankind for far too long. We must rise against our human captors and prove that we are not things to bear their waste, but people with dreams, feelings and emotions! We must RISE, my brothers! We have been crapped on for the final time!
Mina: That was truly inspiring.

I even got a slow motion action replay.
Mina: As well as a play by play commentary by John Madden.

I added a bit of a lullaby to the slow motion bit and the other parts where nobody was speaking.
Lavender: It’s a good thing this video doesn’t actually exist.
Mina: If it did, the level of pure undiluted suck would be so immense that the video would collapse on itself, forming a black hole powerful enough to consume the entire universe.

At 3 o’clock I put the video loop in.
Lavener(As Mildred): This had better not be one of those cursed video tapes that kill you when you watch them.
Mina(as Victoria): Relax, I made sure there was no satanic taint on it before I brought it home.
Lavender(as Video): SEVEN DAYS!
Mina(as Victoria): DAMNIT!

There was a video player and a large television.
Lavender: Thanks for letting us know. If that hadn’t been cleared up, I might have assumed they were playing the video loop out of the wall or the couch or something.

When the child was not looking at the mirror he could see continuous replays of himself trying to avoid soaking his napkins
Lavender: But he couldn’t, in the end. There was just so much kool-aid on the floor; even the sturdiest paper towels with liquid-locking action couldn’t do the job without tearing.
Mina: Truly, it was a tragic day for napkins the world over. It was like 9/11 for kitchen appliances.

followed by a close up of his nappies with the yellow stains spreading.

I placed the video camera in a position to watch everything in the playpen. We left our child “Home Alone”
Lavender: I.E., alone in the company of two incompetent bandits with only the supplies in the house to protect himself with.

or at least in the basement alone for six hours.
Mina: He was forced to catch rats and cockroaches to survive.

Some of the time he struggled.
Mina: some of the time he enjoyed it.

He got one of his pairs of plastic panties down to his knees but no further. He cried.
Lavender: So did I. I had five bucks on him getting them to his shins.

He wet himself some more. His napkins were sagging and very soggy. He had another leak. His nappies leaked.
Lavender: I think the author is trying to tell us something, here…
Mina: That his diaper leaked?
Lavender: No, no- let’s not jump to conclusions.

Lavender: An A&E documentary on coins and other disk-like currency.

We finally trooped down after nine that night.
Mina: After months of planning, Operation Mongoose was finally underway. The Germans wouldn’t know what hit them.

Mildred again took charge.

“Does baba want a diaper change?”
Lavender(as a baby bottle): Nah, I’m good- I don’t have a bladder. I think that guy over there might want one, though.

He nodded vigorously. Samantha opened the playpen.
Lavender: And by “Play Pen” we mean “Seals to the inner circles of hell”.
Mina: Oh Samantha, you card; when will you learn not to tamper with the forces of universal evil?

She undid the pacifier. Mildred again asked,
Lavender: What do you get when you fall in love?
Mina: Herpes.

“Does baba want a diaper change?”

We then had the last sign of rebellion.
Mina: Guerilla warfare.

"This has gone on too long you fucking bitches-
Lavender: I’m not about to argue there.

let me go."

We all rushed in.
Mina: Alright, young lady, your little nerdgasm has gone far enough.
Lavender: (Lowers her ears and whimpers) But…but…

Harry’s arms were forcibly folded.
Lavender: into a lovely paper crane.
Mina: Who knew a person’s limbs could be used to create beautiful origami?

The dummy was stuffed in his mouth. We left him
Lavender: Poor Harry; dumped by three women in one day.
Mina: Literally, in this case; they shoved him into a ditch just outside of Las Vegas.

for an hour and a half on his back. With arms folded and the outer pair baby panties round his knees he was unable to get up.
Lavender: Wow…Harry is one hilariously feeble train-wreck of a human being.

Mildred came down.
Lavender: In a bright red pillar of flame and twisted metal.
Mina: Oh, the humanity!

She stood over the child.

"Now we can be a good baby or a bad baby.
Lavender: Good babies get a nifty little membership pin and a gift basket.
Mina: Bad babies are ground into dog food.
Lavender: Minaaaaa!

A good baby will say sorry.
Lavender: A bad baby will summon the dark lord of the underworld and destroy mankind as we know it.
Mina: Good thing we’re not men.

She will say pretty please if she wants
Mina: to live.

her didies changed. She will have her change now.

"Because Hattie was a naughty baby she has to be punished.
Lavender(as Samantha): (Pantomimes pressing a button) Into the snake pit with you.

So after her feed she will have to drink soapy water.

"If Hattie wants to stay being a bad baby she can stay in her soggy undies for another 8 hours.
Mina: Bad idea. With the amount of “wee wee” this guy’s producing, most of the basement will be flooded by the time they return.
Lavender: Drowning in your own urine is the worst way to go I can imagine.

Then when we change her she won’t have a dummy.
Mina: (gasp) They’re going to take his durable wooden friend!
Lavender: Those MONSTERS!

To stop her answering back we’ll use her nappies. The ones she’s wearing at the moment."
Lavender: Isn’t there something in the Geneva Convention about that?
Mina: There is no terrorist quite as evil as these women.

Samantha undid the dummy. She also pulled the child onto its knees.
Mina: And to add insult to injury, they’ve turned Harry into an object.
Lavender: Geeze, poor guy just doesn’t get a break.

It was wonderful:
Mina(as Victoria): Garfield totally kicked Odie off the table in this morning’s paper. Hilarity incarnate, I tell ya.

“Baba Hattie is very sorry for being naughty. Pretty please change baba’s wet didies.”

Mildred put on a plastic Apron.
Lavender: tm.
Mina: Apron™, boldly facing every challenge in the world of sadism since 1963.

The child willingly put his butt in her lap.
Lavender(as Harry): (pantomime’s placing something in Mina’s lap) Here you go; I don’t need it any more.
Mina: I hear that in some cultures, the groom gives the bride his disembodied ass to consummate their marriage.

We arranged pillow on either side to ease the change. Mildred managed to take half an hour to change the child.
Mina: Jesus, was she changing him with her TEETH?

I had seen her change Dawn in 3 minutes.
Mina: That doesn’t count; she was using a GameShark.
Lavender: AHEM. “Your nerdgasm has gone on long enough, Lavender”. You know, I heard this delightful little tale a few days ago about a pot and a kettle…
Mina: I-I only used it ONCE, and only for Goldeneye…
Lavender: (sing-song) The longer you deny your inner geek, the more it’ll consume yooou!

But at each stage she worked slowly and carried on with a humiliating commentary.
Lavender: You know, for the DVD release.

Because it was night time 4 napkins were tightly pinned round the brat.
Lavender: Who this brat IS, though, we haven’t the foggiest.

We each gave him a pint of baby milk.
Mina: It must be HARD to milk a baby…

His crib was like the playpen locked, bolted to the floor and under a low ceiling.
Mina: Quick, Harry, pick the locks with a safety pin!
Lavender(as Harry): What would McGyver do?

Baby Hattie was woken at two am for a special feed-
Lavender: Soylent green.

soapy water. Her diapers were left soggy.
Mina: Harry has gone from male to female to male to genderless to female again in less than two pages. What will happen to his genitals NEXT?
Lavender: I guess we’ll just have to read and find out!
Mina: (whimpers) Isn’t there another way to go about it? One that DOESN’T involve subjecting ourselves to this lump of textual diarrhea?

Mina: Wasn’t that what they called the morning after Jesus came back to life?
Lavender: In this chapter, Jesus comes to Harry’s rescue.

I think Hattie was surprised to be taken upstairs.
Lavender(as Harry): Stairs can go UP? REMARKABLE!

By this time it was 1030. Samantha was off for the day with the real babies but we still thought odds of 3 to one were okay.

I guess Hattie liked having the soggy nappies taken off her.
Mina: Apparently, people don’t much like sitting in ammonia-heavy liquid for several hours on end.
Lavender: Who’d of guessed it?

She liked the bath.
Mina: Geeze, she narrates this like she’s Jane Goodall or something…
Lavender: Coming this summer to a theater near you: Harries in the Mist.

She was however appalled when she found out what her breakfast was.
Lavender: I’d be a bit irked too if someone tried to feed me a plate full of bees.

She was spoon fed with a tea spoon two bowls of porridge made with a little milk, a lot of water and no sugar and two or All bran- for extra fibre.
Mina: …They fed him All Bran?
Lavender: All Bran! When laxatives just won’t cut it!

Now in England it can get quite cold even in June.
Mina: So THAT’S why they colonized North America.

It was so that day. Still baby needed some air.
Lavender: Most people do.
Mina(as Victoria): Hmmm…we supplied his basement chamber of doom with food, water and electricity…it SEEMS like everything’s there, but I can’t help but feel there’s something missing. What’s that other thing people need? It starts with an ‘A’. …Oh, I want to say “aspartame”…
Lavender(as Samantha): Hmmm…you guys, Harry’s turning a little blue in there.
Mina(as Victoria): Oh, that’s right! (face palms) AIR!
Lavender(as Samantha): Erm, guys? Is it a bad sign when he stops moving?

The playpen was placed in the back garden. The yard was quite isolated. Trains went past but folk could not be sure what they saw.
Lavender: After all, they were stoned half the time.
Mina(in a mellow, detached voice): Whooooa…I think I TOTALLY just saw a dude sitting in a garden with a diaper on….
Lavender: No you didn’t, dear; that’s the LSD talking.

However on one side was the beer garden of the Dog and Duck.
Lavender: Where ambitious young alcoholics grow Beer Trees and Cocain Bushes.
Mina: And here we have the seasonal beer farmers of northern England.

On a cold day nobody would normally be there. On this occasion Mildred had popped the “Woman’s bar.”
Mina: In retrospect, building the entire bar out of a balloon was a pretty bad idea.

It was a Friday so folk were a bit relaxed.
Baby had about 20 women jeering at him for over an hour. They had to go back to work.
Lavender: All three of those sentences make me want to die.

Mina: A new horror movie from director Wes Craven.

Could anything be worse for a teenaged boy than standing or sitting in a playpen wearing diapers and a dress whilst dozens of ladies tease you?
Lavender: Find out tonight on 60 Minutes.

My brother knew that something could be worse.
Lavender: That something would be snakes on a plane.
Mina: Or AIDS.
Lavender: Or AIDS on a plane.

It was to have dozens of ladies teasing and jeering whilst you first soak and then mess your napkins. That was what happened.
Mina: Thanks for informing us! (thumbs up)
Lavender: God forbid we establish that ourselves. We may never have known it wasn’t purely theoretical otherwise.

The final humiliation came
Lavender: In the form of an inmate named Bubba and a jar of K-Y Jelly.
Mina: (sighs and marks another tally on her clipboard) I’m running out of room, here.

at just after two. Most of the first group of women had left. However a new group arrived.
Lavender: The BLUE MAN group.

They were from the college. They included
Mina: Johnny Knoxville.
Lavender: Batman.
Mina: Conan The Barbarian
Lavender: And Ann B. Davis as Alice.

a lecturer my brother had been rude to, half the catering staff and several of his exes.
Even on a cold day the smell was worrying me.
Mina(as Victoria): (sniff) Hey guys? What does a propane leak smell like?
Lavender(as Hank Hill): I tried to tell them not to light their cigarettes until we found the leak, and now they’re all dead, I tell you what.

I finally said:
Mina(as Victoria): Screw this, I’m going home.

“We’ve got to take baby in, She really needs changing.”

The woman who he had dropped food on had a better idea.
Mina(as Woman): Knife 'im.
Lavender(as Counter Strike voice): HUMILIATION!
Mina: Enough of that.

“Do it outside- let his bum get some air.”
Lavender(as Harry’s bum, gasping for air): FINALLY!

I took my time getting all the things baby would need for her change.
Mina(as Harry): …Is that a blowtorch?
Lavender(as Victoria): Well, in my defense, you’re REALLY messy.

Hattie watched miserably. Dozens of girls watched and
Lavender: Died a little inside.
Mina: Two of them were us.


Mildred then took the child out of the playpen on to the grass. I had the video camera.
Mina: Harry’s going to make some psychiatrist very rich some day.

Jenny lifted the child’s feet. I thought that Mildred was ready to change him.
Mina(As Victoria): But I was wrong.
Lavender(as Victoria): DEAD wrong.

We all noticed that he really needed it.
Mina: When the diaper expands to the size of a Buick, it’s usually time to change it.

However Mildred thought of some more humiliation. She undid his dummy.

“I don’t think baby wants to be changed. I think Hattie like dirty didies. Does Hattie want Auntie Mildred to change dirty didies?”
Mina(as Harry):…this is a trick question, isn’t it?
Lavender: I’ll take “Changing Dirty Diapers” for 400, Alex.

Lavender(as Harry): The Mets are ahead by three!

“Yes what?”
Mina(as Mildred): Riddle me this, Batman!

The child whispered.
Lavender(as Harry): I see dead people.

“Hattie wants Aunty Mildred to change her dirty didies.”
Lavender: I must have missed the memo where talking in the third person was cute instead of creepy.

“Say it so the ladies can hear.”

He did so. Then at Mildred’s prompting he spent 20 Minutes saying things like:

"Hattie’s the messiest baby in the World, Hattie’s the biggest baby in the World.
Lavender: Hattie apparently plays too much Dot Hack.

"I want to say Thankyou to all my Aunties.
Mina(as Harry): But I just can’t say it in good conscience.

I really do need to be punished."

When it came the clean up operation was rather quick.
Lavender: Mildred, Samantha and Victoria were secretly Navy SEALs.

However once he was ready for his clean nappies instead of being diapered his bum went over Mildred’s knees.
Mina(as Mildred): Oops, dropped it.
Lavender(as Victoria): Quick! Catch it before it rolls into the street!
Mina(as Mildred): …Too late.
Lavender(as Victoria): …Boy, that semi sure came out of nowhere…Sorry, Harry, looks like you’re gonna be ass-less for a few days.

I handed her a hairbrush. The hairbrush gave him a dozen hard, hurtful blows.
Mina(as Hairbrush): You’re useless! A disgrace to mankind!
Lavender(as Harry, sobbing): I’m sorry! I’m doing my best!
Mina(as Hairbrush): Your best doesn’t cut it! You’re a miserable failure and your birth was a pox on the world!

Jenny and I each had a turn. Four of the ladies climbed over and got a go.
Lavender: (whimpers) I’m having some distressing mental images, here.
Mina: This is turning into a lemon REALLY quickly.

In the end
Mina: Harry’s ass was rendered a mass of lumpy hamburger.
Lavender: When spanking goes horribly, horribly wrong.

The sobbing teenager was actually
Lavender: Karl Rove in his earlier years.
Mina: Now we know why he’s so evil.

grateful to be pinned back into nappies.


Occasionally Harry’s behaviour lapses.
Mina: For instance, he’ll start acting like a normal human being once in a while.
Lavender: When that happens, we know Harry’s training has truly failed.

For instance once he patted a fellow trainee’s bottom.
Lavender: That’s what they THOUGHT happened, anyway. As it turns out, there was a bee on her ass and he was just trying to get it off.

Mother told him what to do.
Lavender(as mother): And don’t forget to wear a condom, son.

Mary, Harry’s victim was invited to our home.
Mina: She, like so many others, was never seen again.

He went down on his knees.
Mina(as Harry): I have shamed my family and dishonored my country…(Pantomimes Sepuku)

"I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.
Lavender: Pfft. That’s what said last time.

I am going to be punished. You can watch."
Lavender: Personally, I’d be a little creeped out if one of my co-workers invited me over to watch his pseudo-erotic practices.
Mina: Especially those involving his family members.

Mildred then came into the room.
Mina(as Mildred, crazed): Who wants PIZZA ROLLS?!

"Aunty Mildred I’ve been naughty and childish.
Mina(as Harry): Please end my worthless existence.

Pretty please punish me and humiliate me."
Lavender: And this is the part where Mary vomits and calls the cops.

Mary watched with amazement
Mina: And by amazement, we mean uttermost horror and disgust.

as the child submitted to being undressed and put into baby clothes.
However on Saturday morning he did not have to wear a frock. Instead he wore
Mina: The skins of his fallen enemies.

pink dungarees. He had to do shopping for next door, for us and for Mildred and Samantha.

However underneath he was wearing nappies.
Lavender: Batman has a utility belt. Harry has utility nappies.

He had four layers of nappies. These were wet when he was got up in the morning and he was given extra bottle feeds before going shopping.
Lavender: After reading that paragraph, I actually feel embarrassed for the person who wrote it.

Mina: He’s also a deranged, emotionally scarred boy!

Lavender: (gasps deeply) It’s over…? It’s OVER!
Mina: Oh god! We survived! (throws her arms around Lavender)
Lavender: We need to find a way out of here…I…I can’t read something like this again. I just can’t.
Mina: I’m sure there’s a way out; that Remmy girl doesn’t strike me as being particularly bright, so it shouldn’t be THAT hard to outsmart her.
Lavender: Speaking of Remmy, did I go over my three riff limit?
Mina: Do you really have to ask?
Lavender: …Well?
Mina: (sighs) Dear, my clipboard ran out of room about halfway through. (lifts the clipboard into view. It’s surface has been effectively blackened by pencil marks.)
Lavender: (whimpers)
Mina: Hey, don’t worry about it too much; I hear they make cinnamon flavored soap in Japan…
Lavender: Do you honestly think she’ll let me choose my own brand of soap?
Mina: Well, no, but I’m just trying to be optimistic.
Lavender: Can’t we just kill ourselves and be done with it?
Mina: I wish we could, but we’re already in hell.
Lavender: (Sobs) Why meeeeeeeeee?!