Lavender and Mina go to Diaper Story Hell, Episode 1: Teenage Tantrums
In the town of Jack’s Burrow, a small, easily overlooked congregation of suburban houses and modest mom-and-pop shops, lived two girls whom shared a curious affinity for diapers and other babyish things. The girls, having lived in close proximity to one another throughout their entire lives, had been best friends since kindergarten. However, only recently had they revealed to each other their mutual interest in the world of infantilism. With it known that all things AB and DL were of interest to them both, Lavender and Mina discovered that they enjoyed reading stories written by members of the aforementioned communities, and would often get together to share their findings. However, if soon became clear that not all of the stories on the net were of a reasonable quality. In fact, many of them were down right ghastly. In lue of this, the girls came to entertain themselves by making fun of them together, which is where our story begins.
(Open to a small, violet-painted bedroom with a sign on the door reading “Lavender’s room” in flowery text. From this, we can infer that the room does, in fact, belong to Lavender.)
Mina, a lithe bodied, slightly athletic calico feline with medium lengthed blonde hair, sits neatly atop one of the bean bags, her friend’s laptop balanced in her lap. Lavender, a thin, modestly endowed husky with violet fur lays nearby, playing a DS.
Mina: Alright, look at this one: It’s called- and I shit you not- “Diaper Danny and the Dommy Damsels”. How could a loving God let this exist?
Lavender: (continues to invest most of her attention on the game, her eyes fixed on the screen, stylus noisily tapping away) my faith in the world kind of died after we found the fifth story titled “Amanda’s Adventures in Diapers”. I honestly don’t think he cares much any more.
Mina: Still…God, how hard can it be to write a decent story? It’s not like it takes all that much effort.
Lavender: As little effort as reinventing something takes, plagiarizing and writing incoherently takes less.
Mina: I’ll concede that point. I just wish they’d make it illegal to use a keyboard if you’re stupider than the chair you sit on.
Lavender: You know what they say, Mina: idiots will always find a way to- OOH! A Shiny Pidgey!
Mina: (sigh) You know what? I’d sell my soul to keep bad diaper stories off the 'net.
Lavender: (Looks up from the game momentarily) Really?
Mina: (shrugs) Sure. It would be a service to the world at large; I think it would be a worthwhile sacrifice.
Lavender: (stares upward contemplatively) Can’t argue there. Heck, if it would help any, I’d hock mine over to the cause too.
(A giant pillar of flame suddenly bursts from the floor, lighting nearby furniture on fire. Lavender and Mina both yelp and jerk abruptly backward in surprise, the laptop flying out of Mina’s lap. As the smoke clears, a figure garbed in a heavily frayed black cloak steps forward, a red, triple-pronged lance held in one hand. Both girls, at this point, have their arms wrapped around each other, shivering in fear(although Lavender glances periodically toward her DS).)
Black-robed Figure: (speaks in a high, strangely feminine voice) So…you’d sell your soul to rid the world of terrible diaper fics, huh?
Lavender and Mina: (Squeak incoherently in terror)
Black Garbed Figure: ….(Sigh) Yes, I’m scary. I know. Can we get past that for a moment so we can talk?
Mina: Um…(gulps) Sure….something about d-diapers, right?
Lavender: (whimpers, lowering her ears) I wish I’d been wearing one a few seconds ago…
Black garbed figure: Yes. Did you or did you not say you’d sell your soul to keep terrible diaper stories from ever tainting the internet again?
Mina: I guess…not in those exact words, but yeah.
Black cloaked figure: (squeals in delight and clasps her hands together) Wonderful! It’s a deal, then. (gently pushes her hood back to reveal a female arctic fox-morph with long brown hair tied into a ponytail by a pink bow) your souls for an internet free of stupidity!
Mina and Lavender: (gape in openmouthed awe)
Devil Remmy: …(sighs and massages one of her temples with her free hand) Why is that the reaction I always get? Can’t there be, just once, someone EXPECTING the devil to be fuzzy and cute?
Lavender: (blinks perplexedly) Wait…you mean…you’re the devil?
Mina: And you’re really gonna trade our souls for…?!
Devil Remmy: (grins) Yep!
Mina: WHAT?! But we were just joki-
Devil Remmy: Cork it! You said what you said, and it’s too late to take it back. (sticks her tongue out) Now, if you’ll come with me…
Lavender: But…but…(small voiced)
Devil Remmy: Nuh uh! No buts! I get it trouble if I don’t get my clients to hell in under thirty minutes. Time’s a tickin’, kids.
Lavender: ….Can I at least change my pants before going to hell?
Devil Remmy: NAY! (maniacle laughter)
Mina: (under her breath) This sucks.
Devil Remmy: Now then, off we go! (Snaps her fingers. As she does so, the room is devoured by flame, replaced shortly afterward by a room painted in Pastel colors and furnished with a number of nursery essentials.)
Devil Remmy: (Spreads her arms wide) Welcome to Hell’s Nursery! From now on, you’ll be spending a lot of time in here.
Mina: *prods the cushioning of a near by crib, and humms thoughtfully.) You know, for being a product of the void of eternal damnation, this place isn’t so bad…
Lavender: Yeah- I thought you were supposed to get PUNISHED in hell.
Devil Remmy: (Peers at the girls over her shoulder with a sly grin) Oh, but you WILL be punished. You see, since you sold your souls to rid the world of horrible diaper stories, they’ll all be sent directly to you instead. What’s more, as part of your penance for selling your souls, you’ll be forced to read them all- EVERY SINGLE ONE! (maniacle laughter ensues)
Lavender: (Gasps) But that’s…EVIL!
Mina: You psychotic worm-crapping assgasm!
Devil Remmy : (narrows her eyes) HEY! You sassy little-…(blinks) …you know I’ve never heard that one before. I’ll have remember it. Anyway, your punishment will take place in here. (leads the girls to a small door marked “The Reading Theater” with sharpie. The paint is peeling off, and parts of it look as though they’ve been stained with blood)
Lavender: (gulps) I think I re-wet my pants…
Mina: ….What does “Redrum” mean?
Devil Remmy: Ignore that. Now, I might as well start your punishment right away, so I’ll go ahead and inform you that your first ever assignment will be an insuferrably cliché crapfest known as “Teenage Tantrums”, which reads as though it were written by a retarded sloth. (draws a timer from her pocket and twists the knob to the appropriate setting.) You’ll be given a short break when this timer goes off, so feel free to get up and stretch once you hear it ring. After all, even in Hell, forcing you to read the entire thing straight through would be too cruel. (smiles warmly and places her hands behind her back) So, do you both understand?
Mina and Lavender: (nod their affirmation)
Devil Remmy: Goody! (opens the door and ushers the girls through) Have fun! I’ll see you when the timer rings!
(Timer begins ticking)
(Open to theater)
Mina: (shuffles into her seat) Augh! There’s GUM all over this seat!
Lavender: Ew, and the floors are all sticky!
Mina: Geeze, the accommodations are pretty crappy in Hell.
Lavender: I suppose it was to be expected…
Mina: Yeah, I guess. Still though, you’d think that-AUGH!…My popcorn was just stolen by a cockroach the size of a small truck! (watches) And that cockroach was just eaten by a rat the size of a slightly larger truck. (continues to watch) and the rat was just eaten by Hitler.
Lavender: Well, in the interest of optimism, I suppose if the seating accommodations are this bad, the story can’t be much worse…
Mina: Lav, do you know the meaning of the phrase “Knock on wood”?
Lavender: No, why?
Mina: (sigh) Never mind.
Lavender: TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TANTRUMS!
Mina: Stop that.
Mina: Harry who? Harry WHO?!
Lavender I don’t know about you, but this mystery has me on the edge or my seat.
Mina: I’m not even on the edge anymore. I straight out fell off.
My name’s Victoria.
Mina: And I’m an alcoholic.
Lavender: Victoria has…SECRETS! Hyuck.
Mina: I am very tempted to hit you right now.
My brother was embarrassing.
Mina: He had an ass for a face.
Lavender: Watching him eat was a wholly unpleasant affair.
He is a year older than me. As this story starts he was approaching his 18th birthday.
Mina: Uh oh, age of consent…
Lavender: (whimper) Please tell me this isn’t an incest fic.
Mina: (hiss) Shut up! You’ll jinx us!
In relationships he was immature.
Mina(as girlfriend): Oh Harry, I’ve never been with a man I’ve loved so dearly…I…I think I’ve truly fallen for you…(sensually) I think I may be ready to move our relationship to the next level.
Lavender(as Harry): Tee hee! (points) You’ve got boobies on your chest!
I had lost count of the number of my friends who were his girlfriends then dropped.
At home he was irritating and boorish. When my mum asked him embarrassing questions he tended just to walk away. Sometimes he slammed doors.
Mina: Slammed doors?! That FIEND!
Lavender: Why, next thing you know, he might start putting his elbows on the table!
However the worst moment was at college.
Lavender: A year of which he wouldn’t have spent if it weren’t for that horse.
Mina: Yeah. Not like that’s impossibly obscure or anything.
Lavender: But it makes ME happy…
This was really a school for 16-18 year olds. The pupils ought to be adults. However Harry STARTED a food fight with some of the younger girls.
Mina:…That must have been a pretty intense food fight for its beginning to unleash the fury of caps lock.
One final thing.
Lavender: We’re out of milk and paper towels.
They say “Gentlemen lift the seat”. Harry is not a Gentleman.
Mina: He is, in fact, a gentleWOMAN.
If I was in a hurry to use the loo and forgot to check I very often found that
Mina: The toilet was missing.
I was sitting in his piss.
Lavender: Loving parents or aliens in disguise? Tonight at eleven.
I am already an aunty. Samantha, my oldest sister went off to America and got married. Within a few months both our dad and her husband died.
Mina: They were killed by a fatal contraction of Vagueititis
Lavender: Wait, Mina, don’t you see? The author is using an ingenious technique of omission that allows the audience to decide what happened for themselves!
Mina: Ah, I see. So how do you think they died?
Lavender: I think they were both in the same car, and careened off a cliff when they ran over a turtle and spun out of control.
Mina: I think the dad caught a giant swordfish off the coast of Florida, and while showing it off, accidentally stabbed the husband in the chest with it. That, consequentially, caused the dad to lose his footing and fall over the edge, where he was sliced to ribbons by the boat’s propellers.
Lavender: I think they were on a mission to save the earth from an asteroid, but the dad had to stay behind and blow himself up in order to destroy it. I’m assuming the husband killed himself shortly afterward because Michael Bay made a movie about it.
Mina: I think they made the mistake of stopping to ask for directions in a town called “Silent Hill”.
Lavender: I think they were both raped to death by a big fat flying co-
Mina: (swat) NONE OF THAT! Bad girl!
Lavender: (whimpers) Sorry…
Samantha is very clever.
Mina: But, sadly, not clever enough to navigate her way out of this story.
She is a mining engineer. Her husband Dave had looked after Paul
Lavender: With bleach!
. I heard that Dave’s sister Mildred had looked after her nephew and niece. Also that she was very close to Samantha.
Lavender: In fact, she was standing only a few inches away from her.
In April Mildred, Samantha Paul and Dawn came to stay.
Mina: They were never seen again.
We knew that Samantha would have to leave for 2 months. She would be working in the Czech republic. Mildred had mentioned that she wanted to have a holiday in Europe but it would be hard with the kids.
My mum appalled me by offering to look after Paul and Dawn.
Lavender: Genorosity?! We’ll have none of that in THIS house, thank you very much!
PAUL AND DAWN:
Mina: A story of survival and friendship- Tonight on Lifetime.
Dawn was wonderful. She was 16 months old talking a lot and really interesting.
Lavender(as Dawn): Ga ga babba boo!
Mina(as Victoria): Fascinating! And what do you think of the current trifles in the middle east?
Lavender(as Dawn): POOPY!
It was nice being with her.
Paul had been spoiled all his life.
Lavender: That’s what you get for not refrigerating your kids properly.
He talked a lot- mostly shouted. He knew all about his 3rd birthday.
Mina: He’d studied it very carefully.
Paul was also quite tall and strong for his age. He occasionally hit Dawn. (Harry had been known to hit me). He saw Harry slam the door, and learned this behaviour.
Mina: gasp A second door slamming fiend is born!
Lavender: Is there no hope for humanity?
One thing Paul had not learned was the use of the toilet or potty. It was embarrassing he LOOKED 5 or 6 and still wore diapers- nappies. He messed as well as wetting them.
Mina: That last sentence brought to you by Downs Syndrome incorporated!
What made things worse was that Mildred and Samantha had firm views. One thing they believed in was that disposable diapers were an environmental disaster. Both the children wore toweling ones.
A 4 stone (56lb) 3 year old can produce a lot of wee wee.
Mina: This is a very scientific evaluation.
Lavender(As pretentious scientist): After thorough deliberation, the Scientific Board of Research has concluded that if a toddler drinks, it will produce “wee wee”. We have also concluded that this phenomenon is a direct result of Boogerface Fartington’s Wa-waàTinkle Postulate.
Paul needed 3 layers of nappies.
Lavender: Layer one: The Permacrap.
Mina: Layer two: The Odorsphere.
Lavender: Layer three: The core, otherwise known as the Nuclear Bootystankus
It was very obvious to anyone when he went out what underwear he needed.
Lavender: THE MOVIE!
I started the 10th attempt to toilet train Paul.
Mina: I didn’t expect the return alive.
I showed him the potty.
Lavender(As Victoria with an faux Italian accent): This is the toilet. You use it to “take care” of lowlifes who fail to pay the godfadda’s owes.
Mina: (Blinks) Remmy…I’m speechless!
Lavender: (shrugs) Meh, with the amount of time I spend with you, some of your darkness was bound to rub off on me.
I somehow managed to get my boyfriend Ian to show him its use.
Mina: (sigh) Now after that last comment, that line seems so much more morbid.
Lavender: You’re welcome!
Harry of course had refused to help.
Paul said he knew what he had to do. I took the risk of putting him in training pants.
Lavender: He was known to explode when wearing them.
There were 3 major accidents that day. However his younger sister was watching.
“Can Dawn use the Potty?”
Lavender: Find out on the next exciting episode of DRAGON BALL ZEEEEEEEEE!
Within a week the 16 month old girl was clean
Mina: Dawn’s days of cocaine addiction were finally over.
and dry. The 3 year old boy was still in nappies.
I also noticed Harry’s attitude. He said how disgusting babies were. He looked away when Paul was being changed.
Lavender: Um…did they expect him to watch INTENTLY as the little boy was being disrobed and cleaned?
Mina: Harry is about to disappoint a long ancestry of creepy pedophiles, it seems.
But you could see him watching from the corner of his eyes.
Lavender: Oh ho ho! What’s this?
Mina: Well hey! Maybe one day he’ll wear an ankle bracelet just like mommy’s!
Mildred came back. She said she was not surprised.
“Boys were always backwards.”
Mina: You know, I’ve noticed this too.
Lavender: Yeah, I read somewhere that boys have their butts on the front.
Mina: I remember that. Yeah, I think that was in National Geographic or something.
She made sure that Harry was in the room when she revealed that he had used diapers when I, a year younger, had been potty trained. Somehow Mildred managed to get her nephew to learn the use of the toilet- or bathroom as she insisted on saying.
Mina: Important plot development in a single sentence! This is INTENSE!
Lavender: Almost as intense as head trauma!
Mina: I’m not seeing much of a difference between the two, really.
Mina: In 3D!
As his exams approached Harry acted as though he had a license to behave horribly.
Mina: Like James Bond, only retarded.
He went out of his way to insult me, mother, Samantha and Mildred. It was June the 1st that made up my mind that he needed to be punished- and gave Samantha an idea of how to do it. Harry was about to go to college. Mother said:
Lavender(as mother): You’re a wizard, Harry!
Mina: That was bound to happen sooner or later.
“Would you get these things from the market on your way home?”
Lavender(as Harry, reading the list): Let’s see…apples, milk, cheese, toilet paper, spaghetti-o’s and…Anal Lube?
Mina(as mother, embarrassed): Oh, my! Um…how on earth did that get on there? Go ahead and cross that out…
Lavender: This scene is a lot more entertaining if you imagine him saying that in Darth Vader’s voice.
Harry slammed the front door. About five minutes later Samantha asked her son,
Mina: WHERE IS SARAH CONNOR?!
“Please Paul, would you pick up your toys- they 're in the way?”
Lavender: Is she sure about that?
Mina: Maybe they’re ambiguously in the way.
Paul slammed the playroom door. That lunchtime I had to get home to get a book. Paul was being a pain.
Mina: He was stabbing people again.
“Look Paul, you’ve got to eat this- it’s all we’ve got!”
Mina(as Mildred): I don’t want to eat sewer rats either, but it’s all we’ve got!
Paul’s reply was effective but infuriating.
Lavender: I’ve got my hopes set on the middle finger.
Mina: I’ve got mine on an Uzi hidden in his diaper.
Lavender:…well, I’ll concede that that WOULD be pretty infuriating.
Mina: Infuriating AND effective!
Lavender(as vader): DO NOT WANT!
I was bending down looking for my book. Yeah I know it shouldn’t have been in the dining room but weren’t you 16 once.
Lavender: Don’t question it. This is clearly some sort of profound cryptic message that will reveal all of the world’s secrets when solved.
Mina: Really? I thought it was just an idiot trying to use a keyboard.
Harry emptied his plate on me.
Lavender: DRAMA OUT OF BUTTFUCKING NOWHERE!
Mina: Oh god, I hope they were eating sulfuric acid for dinner…
Lavender: Mina! Don’t you want to find out what happens?
Mina: As a matter of fact, no.
Lavender: But-but…the characters are so finely detailed and their chemistry and interactions are so elaborate and-…yeah, I couldn’t keep that up with a straight face.
I got cleaned up and rushed off to college.
Lavender: I hope by college she means the Bat Cave.
Mina: But alas, that might make the story reasonably interesting.
I needed to have a snack. Just as I came in I saw my older brother emptying his plate on a poor member of the catering staff.
Mina: Wow, he sure is fast.
Lavender: Harry, Super-Douchebag! Senseless dickery at the speed of light!
Lavender: THE MUSICAL!
People are not supposed to be able to buy alcohol at a bar until they are 18.
Lavender: Curse you and your low drinking age, Europe! (pout)
Mina: You’re so cute when you infuriated by social injustice.
Many pubs ignore this rule.
Mina: And those are the cool ones.
The dog and duck was one such.
Lavender: As much can be expected from a pub straight out of Middle Earth.
At lunchtime Harry often went in and drank too much. They should not have served Harry and a dozen other young regulars but they felt they needed the custom.
Mina: It’s important to uphold tradition, you know.
Needing the custom was the reason the pub introduced another institution. The “Woman’s Bar”. There were two big employers of women nearby.
Mina: One of them was called “Hooters”.
Lavender: Wow, Mina! That was pretty misogynistic for a cynic of the female variety.
Mina: As far as I’m concerned, every character in this story is a whore. Even the guys.
Lavender: Even the pets!
Mina: I’m not going to go that far.
Three lunchtimes a week One room was designated “Women only”.
Mina: THE One room, apparently.
Lavender: What incredible happenings take place in the legendary “One” room?
Mina: Probably epic things.
Lavender: Incredible super secret things?
Mina: I’d say so.
Lavender: Haw. Boys don’t get to know the secrets of the universe. (sticks her tongue out)
Mina: That’s what they get for having cooties.
The workers could drink and eat without being harassed by male customers. It was rather successful. It should also be noted that
Mina: the bar was on fire.
there was an exception made to the no-male rule when a woman brought a 1 year old in.
Lavender: How much do you wanna bet this will never show up in the story again?
Mina: Oh, I dunno. I bet they’ll bring Harry back in a diaper and parade him around as a “one year-old”, or something equally mind-numbing.
Lavender: I’m not sure I’m ready to assume the author’s THAT stupid.
Mina: I’m expecting the worst, here.
This particular lunchtime Harry was drunker than usual. This was before one o’clock. The barman quite rightly said:
Lavender(as Barman): Son, there’s a wolverine gnawing on your genitals.
Mina(as Harry): Huh? Oh, hey, what do ya know!
“No more Harry.”
Mina(as Barman): I’m sorry, but our love can never be.
Harry stormed into the woman’s bar and demanded to be served.
Lavender: And after a quick dance off, he did get served.
Mina: He got the shit served out of him.
The embarrassing scene ended with the words:
Mina: The and End.
Lavender: If only we were so lucky.
Lavender: Hooray! Harry became a Lawyer!
Mina: That hardly warrants a “hooray”.
Sadly it is also possible to buy drink from super markets. The following day -
Lavender: JUDGEMENT Day-
this in the middle of his exams- Harry came in. The following conversation occurred between Harry and the barmaid.
Lavender(as Harry): Hide me! I just found out I’m stuck in a crappy diaper story!
Mina(as Barmaid): Oh, you poor thing…here, this is all I’ve got. (pantomimes holding a gun.) I can make it quick.
"I told you. You’re barred! "
“But I must have a fucking piss!”
Mina and Lavender: (giggle fit)
Lavender: Best line ever?
Mina: Best line ever.
“If you don’t go out now I’ll call the Police.”
Lavender: They’ll stop you in the name of love!
“But before I go!”
Mina: a riddle!
Harry then made a puddle on the bar floor. What made things worse was that on this occasion the “Woman’s bar” was being used for some function
Mina: I have the feeling this “function” was some sort of sinister plot.
Lavender: (Gasp!) Voldemort’s probably in there!
and the main bar was full of ladies.
Mina(as Quagmire): Giggity giggity giggity!
Mina: An interactive how-to from the home and garden channel.
Both Samantha and Mildred were very angry with Harry.
Mina: So angry they couldn’t even describe their feelings in more than a single sentence.
Mildred admitted having had difficulty coping with Paul.
Lavender: He kept finding ways out of the punishment labyrinth.
She had a very strict upbringing- as had Dave. Mildred remembered being hit a lot. She also remembered her older brother once being put in a frock.
Lavender: You know, the guy from Myspace!
Mina: I don’t know about you, but he’s one of the last people I’d want around my kids.
and Mildred had been specially liberal with Paul
Lavender: moisturizing hand soap with lemon scented freshness!
. This was in part a reaction. They suppressed anger. They had wanted to be horrid but knew it was counter productive.
Mina: Yeah, that’s kind of how most normal people work.
Samantha’s suggestion would allow Mildred especially to get rid of
some of her anger.
Mina: We were close.
Paul was 3 maybe he did not know better. Harry was, supposedly about to be an adult.
Mina: That comma looks a little lost.
Lavender: No, I think that was intentional. You see, Harry WAS, but is no longer.
Mina: Wow. If that means what I think it does, then that’s the best news I’ve heard all day!
Lavender: Sadly, I don’t think it does. Check out the length of that scroll bar; we’re barely half way through.
Mina: There is no God.
If he behaved badly punishment would be quite in order.
Lavender: Not revenge…PUNISHMENT.
Lavender: Bite me.
We managed to give exactly the impression we wanted to Harry.
Mina: That he was worth something and we cared whether he lived or died.
We talked about a special surprise. Harry wanted a motorbike.
Lavender(as Harry): KANEDAAAAAAA!
A few months earlier Mother was even thinking of buying one. Papers with adverts for second hand, even new, bikes were left around. Some had been circled.
We made sure that Harry heard about the “surprise” which would come his way on Mid Summers day.
Lavender: Mid Summers day? Is that some kind of holiday in jolly 'ole England?
Mina: What, you’ve never heard of Mid Summers? He was the guy who invented those cardboard rings they put around coffee cups to keep them from burning your hands. That man single handedly prevented so many lawsuits that his birthday was immortalized as a holiday.
Lavender: The more you know!
This was both his birthday and the day of his last exam
Lavender: where he would fight the Hungarian Horntail.
Mina: You’re the most pompous Harry Potter geekette I’ve ever met.
Lavender: (sniffles) Sirius…
Samantha, Mildred, Dawn and Paul now had a place of their own. They would stay in England for a year. Harry had never visited their new house. He had heard people say how good it would be for the party.
Lavender: THE VIDEO GAME!
At just after noon that Friday Mildred collected Harry.
Lavender: All forty-seven of his separate pieces.
“We’ve got a surprise for you.”
Mina: It’s syphilis!
When he arrived at the house Harry was taken down into the big basement room.
It was soundproof.
Mina: Oh dear.
Lavender: I hope this ends with Harry slicing his aunts down with a Katana and stealing their motorcycle afterward.
Mina: Zed’s dead, baby.
Lavender: HA! I knew it! You are a geek!
Mina: Quoting Pulp Fiction is NOT geeky!
There had at one time by some former owner the idea that it would be a studio.
Mina: I’m not sure we want to know what KIND of studio.
The original owner of the place thought of it as a bomb shelter… Mildred started proceedings:
“Paul and Dawn have got presents for you. Don’t open them yet just say thankyou. Then their granny will look after them.”
Somehow Harry managed to get out
Lavender: YES! Run for it, Harry!
Mina: Call the cops! CALL THE COPS!
Samantha and I were watching from a small room. Harry did not know.
Mina: And thus was his fatal mistake.
Mildred temporarily left. The front door was heard to slam. Harry started to undo the very well wrapped package.
Lavender: We didn’t say ‘Simon Says!’
Harry’s last ex girlfriend Jenny-who had dropped him
Mina: Nice going, butterfingers.
Lavender: These people need stronger grips. Sheesh.
Rather than being dropped shouted. She was dressed rather provocatively.
"That’s a very special present-
Mina: That present gets to ride in the short bus!
Lavender: Ah, so Harry and his gift have something in common!
and I’ve got a special present but you’ve got to be ready."
Jenny climbed down the stairs and went over to Harry. He was sitting on what looked like
Mina: a dead hooker.
Lavender: a dead hooker NAMED Sofa.
Mina: That works too.
She sat next to him. Button by button she undressed him. He seemed to like it.
Lavender: …‘Seemed to like it’? People usually aren’t that hard to read in…erm…those situations.
Mina: They’re studying the wild Harry’s responses to foreign stimuli.
“Now you can undo Dawn’s present.”
He worked at it fiercely.
Lavender(As Harry): Damned thing keeps fighting back!
Finally he got the paper off. He then tried to get through what he assumed was the rest of the wrapping.
Mina: So…he tried to get through the wrapping he already unwrapped?
Lavender: Let’s just assume he wrapped it again for the sport of it.
He was angry when he asked.
Mina(as Harry): Where do babies come from?!
“What do we need all these fucking towels for?”
Lavender: Toga party!
Dawn then handed him a package. It was again carefully and tightly gift wrapped:
“This goes with the kids’ presents.”
He eventually opened the package.
Lavender: Over the course of several months.
There were 6 pairs of enormous transparent plastic panties:
“What the FUCK are these for?”
Mina: Whoa, capitalized AND bolded! We’re in for some serious business now.
Lavender: I’m afraid, Mina.
Mina: It’ll be over soon, hon…I hope.
At this point I opened one door and Mildred opened another at the top of the stairs.
Mina: These people sure have a lot of doors.
Lavender: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn! Ia! Ia! Cthulu fhtagn!”
Mina: Not even Cthulu could save this story now.
“To go over your DIAPERS.”
I do not know whether Harry knew American.
Lavender: America has its own language now?
Mina: Ever heard of Ebonics?
However he must have guessed. Samantha ran across the room. At the same time Jenny grabbed his left hand. Samantha pushed a mitten over his right hand and Jenny over the left.
Lavender: Wait…so Samantha pushed Jenny over his left hand? Does that mean….?
Mina and Lavender: EEEEW!
They quickly pulled and tied draw strings.
Harry tried to yell.
Mina: More or less what we’ve been saying since the first sentence.
I had spent three weeks practicing this next move.
Lavender: She finally mastered the Kamehameha wave!
I stuffed a huge dummy into his mouth.
Mina: Poor guy. First the crash test, now this.
Lavender: Victoria isn’t a very good ventriloquist.
Harry was trying to kick whilst Jenny held one arm and Samantha held the other. The dummy was held in place with a strong but pretty ribbon.
Lavender: Now there’s two adjectives that should be paired more often.
Mina: Hmmm…this Gorilla sure is strong…but is it pretty?
Mildred then addressed the delinquent:
“You will now listen, look and learn.”
A tape then played an extract from a radio programme about toddler tantrums.
Lavender: Blech, AM radio. That’s punishment enough right there.
“NO! NO! I won’t!”
The child’s foot stamped
Lavender: and mailed a letter to Santa.
Then came an extract from a tape Harry did not know about. It had his voice.
Lavender(as Harry with a faux Austrian accent): Get yah ass to Mahs!
“NO I WON’T AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!!”
A door slams.
Lavender: and for a moment, the world is still.
Mina: EXTREME TENSE CHANGING ACTION!
Then Mildred used her visual aids.
“This was the kitchen floor after Paul aged Two had a bad day. This is the refectory floor after Harry had a bad day.”
Lavender: (pantomime’s holding back vomit) That was a PERSON?!
Mina: Wow…so that’s what a human liver looks like.
Each picture showed a mess with food everywhere. Mildred continued:
“We have decided, that you need a lesson. For the next three months you will be treated according to your emotional age- a bit younger than Dawn.”
Mina: Yeah. Not like that’s illegal or anything.
Lavender: (waves her arms in broad gestures with a freakishly cheery grin) ANYTHING’S possible if you put your mind to it!
I then gave my younger brother an instruction.
Mina(as Victoria): Right foot green, maggot.
“Fold your arms.”
Jenny and Samantha allowed him to move his arms in the required way. Amazingly he obeyed.
Mina: How CONVENIENT!
Lavender: Who needs character consistency anyway?
Strings were then tied. We had him where we wanted him.
Lavender: In a jar.
We did not want to torture him- at least not physically. He could be left like that for hours if we wanted to.
Mina: …because incapacitating someone against their will and keeping them in an uncomfortable position for a prolonged period of time is SO much better.
Lavender: Jenny, Samantha and Victoria have a promising future as guards in Abu Grhaib.
Now Samantha is very strong, Mildred is what I believe Americans call homely. other words might be cuddly or motherly.
Lavender: Cuddly AND homely?
Mina: Maybe she’s like a pug; huggable, but ugly as sin.
Harry could best be described as scrawny -thin and weak. Suddenly Samantha grabbed Harry’s feet and lifted them into the air. Mildred sat in the Middle of the sofa. Jenny picked him up by the top of his trunk.
Lavenders: They must have cut the scene where Harry turned into an elephant.
Mina: Good luck trying to diaper Ganish
My brother’s behind was then laid on Mildred’s lap. Jenny held his head and more particularly his hair.
Lavender: Yep, definitely no torture here!
“Now watch what your sister’s doing.”
I then carefully folded one of the huge nappies into a kite shape. I took about five minutes.
Mina(as Jenny): Good. Now let the human sacrifice begin!
I said. Jenny lifted baby’s body and Samantha his legs. I slipped the napkin onto Mildred’s lap.
Lavender: Proper dining etiquette is ALWAYS important to observe!
The infant was lowered on to his diaper. Safety pins were secured. The patronizing prick was imprisoned in bulky babywear.
Lavender: I think she forgot what Harry’s name was.
Mina: ADD, you know?
But we were not finished. Mildred explained:
Paul’s diaper often came loose."
New pins were secured tightening the toweling didy round the delinquent. I then added my comment:
Lavender(as victoria): Sry Hrry but ur off my top 8 lol.
Mina: This sadistic diapering session has: 9 comments. View-Reply
“BIG babies do a LOT of wee wee.”
Lavender: As stated by Boogerface Fartington’s Wa-waàTinkle Postulate.
Mina: Wee wee is produced in direct proportion to the size of the toddler squared.
I carefully folded a second diaper. When I was ready Harry was lifted onto his nappy and it was very securely safety pinned in place. I made one more comment.
“Babies do a lot and lot of wee wee.”
Mina: That’s deep.
Lavender: By Jove! I think she may be on to something.
A third diaper was folded and fastened round the troublesome teenager’s intimate area.
Lavender: His nipples!
I slipped one pair of baby panties over Harry’s feet. For a second I held his feet together. Then Samantha grabbed his feet and pulled them a little apart. I pulled them towards his nappies.
Lavender: His FEET?
Once there the adolescent’s ass lifted and the panties were carefully positioned.
Lavender: How carefully, I wonder?
Mina: Pretty carefully. They brought an engineer in to have a look at it. He had schematics and everything.
Mildred took time to adjust the knickers over the nappies.
A second pair of plastic panties was placed over the first. Mildred explained.
“We don’t any leaks do we baba?”
Lavender: They transformed him into a giant baby bottle?
Mina: That’ll show 'im!
Mina: Is that…?
Lavender: YES! First part’s over! We SURVIVED!
Mina: Only barely. I think I may have suffered permanent brain damage.
Lavender: You know, to be honest, this story isn’t that bad. I mean, it’s a piece of crap, but it doesn’t resemble a lobotomized troll puking letters onto the screen like a few other diaper stories do.
Mina: Damnit, Lav, shut up! Don’t give them any ideas!
Lavender: (clasps her hands over her mouth) Oh, right, sorry.
Mina: Besides…even a few of THOSE stories have plots more coherent than this one.
Lavender: I don’t think this one had a plot to begin with.
Mina: Point taken. Lord, we’ve got to find a way out of here. I’m not sure I can manage another part of this story.
Lavender: Well…there IS a chance it could get better, right?
Mina: Lavender, if you think we’ve passed the worst of the worst already, you haven’t read enough internet fiction.
Lavender: (ears flatten in distress) Oh god…
Mina: That’s right, it’s only going to get worse from here.
Lavender: (Teary-eyed) We’re not going to make it out alive, are we?
Mina: I don’t know, sweetie. I don’t know.