Life Style Changes

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Re: Life Style Changes

Okay, the most I get from this is that you have a general idea of what you want to happen in this story. Problem is, there’s not a whole lot here to make it appealing to anyone else. It’s like you can picture your work, but don’t have the words to allow the rest of us too.

You need a bit more depth. More information about the characters. What do they look like? How old are they? Why do they behave like they do? Why does Nicole wear diapers in the first place. Even one extra paragraph to for each of these would help appeal to the reader.

How long has Ashley been teasing Nicole? Does Nicole’s mother know about her daughter’s desire to be a baby girl? Why the spontanious offer to redecorate the house for a big baby girl?

Address these things, and you’ll get more people reading your story. I can’t speak for others as far as reviews go.

Re: Life Style Changes

thanks for the feedback

Re: Life Style Changes

i agree with Twilight3 on the idea of your story having the characters having a history. be creative. make it fun. its your vision. i find it helpful while writing my story to go and look at my favorite book and see how it is written. but it is up to you. good luck. i like where you are going and i think you will do great.

Re: Life Style Changes

thanks for t he feedback will make the changes

Re: Life Style Changes

It’s got proper spelling. At least nothing stood out as glaringly obvious. I didn’t go over it with a spell checker though. As for grammar, you need a tutorial on punctuating dialogue. Here is one: http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/dialogue.shtml or just look at a fiction book and see how they punctuate dialogue. And please, always start a new paragraph when the speaker changes. That is not stylistic. That is a basic rule of the English language.

You have a lot of sentence fragments in the third paragraph. However, it is fiction and you can have a few, but you need to recognize them as such and know why you used a sentence fragment.

Also too much happened in the first paragraph. That first paragraph should have been broken up into at least eight paragraphs. (I stopped counting after eight. It’s not a long paragraph, but I lost count about three quarters into the first paragraph.) Then you would have needed to expand it because you can’t have a bunch of paragraphs in a row with just one sentence. (Well, you can, but…) I will rewrite just the first two lines for you. See if you can tell the difference and do this to the rest of your story. Feel free to change what I used as an example.

This is what you wrote.

" Nicole time to get up you have school today" My mother said. Today is the last day of school yeah I’m so excited for summer. “Lets get you changed into a clean diaper” said my mom. “OK then can I have pancakes for breakfast” I asked my mom “Sure” she said"

Here is my fix:

“Nicole, time to get up. You have school today” my mother said.

I rolled over and stretched. I was still tired from staying up late watching movies the night before. I know I’m supposed to be well rested to do well in school, but today was the last day of school before summer vacation. We had no assignments and all my teachers would just have us sit in a dark room playing videos like they did the past four days. I bet if I didn’t show up that no one would miss me.

“Hurry up and get dressed and come down for breakfast.”

I sat up and threw off the covers revealing my sodden diaper. If it were up to me I would just lie there in my wet diaper and let my mother baby me. “Fine,” I said, “but I want pancakes for breakfast.”

“I will make you pancakes, but hurry up and get ready. And remember to call me up after your shower to help you with your clean diaper.”

I groaned as she left the room. Diaper changes are the only time my mother babies me, but then I have to put on my regular clothes and act like a normal sixth grader. I grabbed some clothes from my dresser and trudged to the bathroom.

See how much better that is. I had to change the part about the diaper change. Why writers think it is okay to wake up in a wet or messy diaper, and then go to school with no further grooming than a diaper changed and throwing on some clothes makes me believe that the writer never woke up in wet diapers or that you are writing in a universe where no one has any sense of smell. Trust me. If you wear diapers to bed, you at minimum need a shower or a bath before going out into the world. You should also brush your teeth and hair. No wonder Ashley makes fun of Nicole all the time. She reaks of pee and I hate to think how ratty her hair is or what her breath smells like. However, it might be that you just brushed over all of the part of her grooming because there really isn’t that much there. One second she is in her room being changed and in the next, Ashley is teasing her.

You asked for feedback on the story.

1.) Feedback is not correcting spelling or grammar of a whole work. That is copy editing and readers shouldn’t be asked to do that. A few typos or an awkward sentence here and there are fine. Teaching you the concept of writing dialogue is not feedback. Generally stories that do not have good grammar or spelling are unreadable.

2.) Chapters need to be longer than two typewritten pages. Yes, it is a mistake all new writers make, but it must stop. In a chapter something needs to happen. In my story, Life and Death Choices Made Casually, I went on for 24 type written pages or ten times as long as you went. That was a bit long for the chapter, but I wrote until the chapter naturally ended.

3.) Be descriptive. Use all five of the senses. I know from your story that Nicole had pancakes for breakfast. How did her mother serve them? Did she bring out one pancake at a time that covered Nicole’s entire plate even obscuring the flowery border of her mother’s breakfast china? What color were they? Were they a golden brown, spotted here and there with paler circles where the air in the batter cooled the rest of the pancake a paler color?

The sense I used was sight. This is food. Food isn’t just something you look at. What do pancakes smell like? Is there the sickly sweat odor of the syrup, the golden warm scent of the pancakes themselves. What about the burned smell of the first pancake. The first one never does turn out. It’s either leaves the carbony scent in the air because it was burned, or it is runny and undercooked. Are there blueberries in the batter? You can smell these.

How do pancakes feel? Are they too warm or too cold? Is the handle of Nicole’s fork sticky after just a few bites due to the maple syrup? There is probably a tangy sweet flavor of the maple syrup as it mixes with each bite of pancake. Does Nicole hear the sizzle when a pat of butter is dropped on the hot pancake? After she is done, does she carry her dishes to the sink where the clink against the side of the sink or splash into the water?

4.) Keep writing. The more you do it the better you get.

5.) Write a story until the end and then edit it. Obviously in this venue, we post a chapter at a time and most of the stories never get finished or only get finished after long delays. That is fine. This is a feed back forum. Write a chapter, edit it, and post it. Repeat until end of story. That is assuming the story has correct spelling and grammar and is long enough to make reading a chapter worth it.

Twilight3 is gave you some good feedback. However, I couldn’t address any of the things she brought up because I couldn’t get past spelling and grammar and the whole grooming issues of the main character. Also, read some books and see how they are put together.

I am not sure how old you are and I think it is the rule here that we aren’t supposed to say. However, when I was in school, we had to diagram sentences as early as third and forth grade. I hated diagramming sentences, but it really did help me to figure out how the English language was put together. English is not as disjointed as some would have you believe.

I am not that good of a writer and I have a lot to learn about the craft of writing. I can’t write a convincing male main character. I can cast a male character in a supporting role, but not as a main character. However, I keep writing and trying to perfect my craft.

Re: Life Style Changes

content removed PM me if you really liked the content and ideas tell u where else to find it

Re: Life Style Changes

You are still not punctuating dialog correctly. Look up the link from my last post to see how.

Although the plot is robust, you have everything you need for the story: a problem about wanting a nursery and to be sent to Baby School, a climax where the parents confront her about wanting a nursery, action leading up to the climax, and the solution where they baby her and agree to send her to Baby School. It is a complete story. You are probably want to tell us all about Baby School though.

You could have written it all in one go and it would have been a short story. Now either write a new story or tell us what happens next.

Re: Life Style Changes

ok hun I could care less about puncutation and grammar

just not important to me

but your story is like this is my dream and I can type it honestly its a bit boring

sorry if I seem harsh but ask yourself if your story is your dream