My baby Academia

Stories Board Member Stories
#1

This is my first story hope you like it

the characters in this story
Deku Backugo Uraraka Momo Allmight

Chapter 1

In the distance deku and backugo can here a yell for help by a young woman wearing a mask but what they didn’t know what would happen next. When they got over to the woman something didn’t feel right because when deku went to the woman he turned in to a baby then deku tap backugo he also turn in to a baby then woman took them. Later deku and backugo woke up and the woman turn out to be Uraraka. So they asked her why she did it and Uraraka said that she want people to be like her and she said that they will never escape and they will stay with her forever. Deku ask how she turn them to babies Uraraka said that Momo gave her the potions to use back in UA she said it only works outside so I did it when you guys were on protrol.

Backugo said THAT IF YOU DON"T TURN US BACK ROUND FACE I"M GOING TO BEAT YOUR THE HELL OUT OF YOU!!!. So Uraraka snapped her fingers and poof backugo started acting like a baby more he did. Deku asked how she did that. Uraraka said she forgot to mention that when she snap her finger the person acts more like a baby.

#2

If this is a troll, you got me. I’ll take the bait. :+1: :fishing_pole_and_fish:

Well, you started out with a sentence that began with a capital letter and ended in the correct punctuation. :upside_down_face:

Names are proper nouns. Proper nouns are capitalized. Here is used incorrectly. It should be “hear”. A paragraph does not a chapter make (except in certain circumstances. This is not one of those circumstances). This reads like the beginning of a story outline, not an actual story. Hell, you didn’t even finish your last sentence. :woman_facepalming: Cutting off mid-sentence is not an effective cliff hanger.

#3

Its a cliffhanger

#4

It’s an incomplete sentence. Cliffhangers rely on tension and plot. Both of which are MIA here. You’ve got a bit of a plot summary, but that’s about it. Your plot summary needs fleshed out into a story. Stories have things like setting, characterization, plot.

#5

I fix it

#6

That’s a good step in learning to write stories. :slightly_smiling_face: Keep working, that’s how you improve as a writer. Think about things like characterization. Show us who the characters are. What are their feelings and emotions and thoughts? You show this by their words (the things they say) and actions (the things they do). Like if they’re scared, they might cry. Or get angry and yell at the lady. Think about your setting. Where does the story take place? The park? The mall? Outerspace? The beach? Adding this into a story helps bring it to life for readers and helps them enjoy the story more.

#7

A cliffhanger is generally when tension is built up and then left abrupt unfinished. The viewer is invested, but there’s no closure, no release of tension.

You’ve go the abrupt halt, but you don’t have the first part, at least not for me. I have no investment, there’s no tension, and I don’t mean to sound rude, but I’m just plain not interested in this at all.

First, I’m going to assume this is a fanfic based on My Hero Academia. I know the name, but I’ve never watched it, so I have no point of reference for anything you’ve included. Now, this could just be my personal method, but I would still want a fanfic to introduce newbies into the world. I’ve read fanfiction for works I’ve never read or watched, and some of them have been great, introducing me to the concepts of their base material. You don’t have to do this, but I would suggest that you write your story as if the people reading it have no idea what My Hero Academia is. If nothing else, you’ll get more readers that way.

Second, and this might be part of the first, but you could probably give some introduction to the characters. I’m totally in support of starting right in the action, but even a line or two can go a long way to helping the reader (me) visualize what you’re talking about. The only “Deku” I’m aware of is from Legend of Zelda. And introductions aren’t limited to the characters, but the world too. Where are they? In the distance from where? What were they doing together when they saw the woman? And if the woman is going to turn out to be someone in particular, you’d better not just name-drop and leave it at that; I’ll have no idea why that’s significant.

Finally, the whole point of replying to you saying it’s a cliffhanger. You gotta build tension first. Are these two out in the park on a regular day? Are they in a warzone? Would they normally be in danger, are they in a bad part of town where a woman crying for help might not seem to surprising. You can’t just say someone is worried and expect me to care, you need to show me why they’re worried. What they want to happen, what they think might happen, why that’s worrying, how it could go wrong.

[Edit before posting] you’ve now edited your post to say the woman is Uraraka. I have no clue who that is. How do they know her? Is she someone special? How did she turn them into babies? Is this a surprise, or is she normally capable of such things? Hell, I don’t even know what she looks like.

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#8

is this better