My boyfriend's diaper fetish: how do I fit in?

I will start by saying, I am not into diapers but I am with someone who has been a diaper lover since he was a child. I am trying to manage an understanding of his fetish. We have been together for a year and I am in love with this guy. I want to be with him for the rest of my life, it’s the first time I could ever say that he is “the one.” I am 27 and he is 29. We openly communicate about sex and I am more than happy with our sex life, however there are certain things that I am struggling with…
I am not a jealous girlfriend, although coming to terms with the knowledge that my boyfriend looks at porn regularly… (not always just diapers) has been and still is hurtful to me. It does not harm our sex life, but I cant help but find it nauseating and offensive when he tells me that he had gotten off by looking at porn.
His diaper fetish consists primarily of looking at pictures of girls who have peed in/worn a diaper for “days” that are very full. He also enjoys making “toys” out of diapers and willbuse the same one for a few days with a condom.
What I am asking is a question that came out of a recent conversation in regards to why he has not yet included me in his fetish, even though he thinks about it often and knows that I am willing, and he is in no way embarrassed about his fetish.
When I asked him why he basically replied that he doesnt know how to go about it because hes never really done it with anyone in the past and that I would end up with a rash and it would be time consuming because he would want me to wear it and pee in it all day.
I dont know how to address this at all, I dont know what to do or say from here. I know that it will not go away and not being with him is not an option. I suppose what I need is a better understanding or someone who can relate or offer something to help me accept and come to terms with all of this.
One other small thing- my boyfriend refuses to believe that I do not have a fetish of my own. He says that everyone has a fetish and that im not being open with him about it. How can I help him understand that I am not “hiding” a fetish from him?
Sometimes I feel that because he has a fetish he is convinced that everyone does.
Any feedback will be so much appreciated.

Re: My boyfriend’s diaper fetish: how do I fit in?

Hello there!

I’m glad you’re so willing to accommodate his fetish, and even attempt to engage in it in order to further strengthen your relationship, because over time it has the potential to add further texture and richness to your lives together. With that in mind, I offer the following for you to consider:

1.) Check out this link: http://imawaytoneverland.tumblr.com - this is the blog of a young woman who is a diaper lover/little girl and her fiancé has accepted that element of her lifestyle so thoroughly that he is an integral part of her age play. I do not suggest adopting this role, mind you, but what I do suggest is that you read some of her posts, especially at the earliest parts of her blog, about how she brought up the subject with her fiancé when they started dating, and also how she established roles and boundaries so that it didn’t become an elephant in the room or something that he felt that he couldn’t connect with her on.

2.) Put on a diaper one day, all by yourself, and investigate how you feel while you wear one. Consider the following as you do so: A) do you feel comfortable in a diaper? B) Do you like wearing the diaper? C) If you like how the diaper feels and how you feel while wearing the diaper, do you think you would be comfortable wearing diapers routinely with your boyfriend?

3.) If you have any unanswered questions about his fetish, try to have a constructive conversation with him where you come from a position of “please help me to understand” instead of “I don’t understand.” There is an important distinction there: “help me to understand” ought to suggest to him that you want to know more to get closer to him where “I don’t understand” can imply there are things about it you are opposed to.

4.) The relationship isn’t about satisfying his desires only; you have an equal right to emotional satisfaction in your relationship. If you are being hurt by some of the things he’s doing, there are constructive ways to express those hurts that won’t put him on the defensive and start a fight. Communication, especially open communication, is crucial.

5.) He told you that he doesn’t know how to go about it, and if by this point you’ve already tried on a diaper, put on a diaper one day and let him know you’re wearing one, and, if you liked what you felt when you tried one alone, tell him that you want to connect with him on that level. If you do really want to be involved with him in this fetish, invite him to explore the different parts of it together so that you can learn about it more directly.

6.) This is where the waters get rough, and where you will need to tread carefully. Please also understand that I am approaching this from an extremely removed third party viewpoint, and that I am making assumptions based on my own behavior, thoughts, and assessments of myself and other men.

When he says that he doesn’t know how because he’s never done it before, on some level he is admitting to the fear that you’ll try it with him and end up not liking it, and that it could damage your relationship. On one level, it’s very possible that he’s looking at diaper porn because it’s safer than involving you in his fantasy, because a picture can’t come off of a computer screen and hurt, or be hurt. Getting past that is going to be the most difficult part of the entire thing, because porn doesn’t have needs, desires, or feelings, while you have all three. This is why I strongly recommend experimenting with diapers on your own time when you’re not together so that you can understand them for yourself before you attempt to explore wearing them with him. If you jump into it with both feet and no personal experience to support yourself, you could end up feeling uncomfortable or nervous or some other negative emotion that he could misinterpret and over-analyze, and then you’re both back to square one. Also, experimenting with diapers before you try to explore them with him will allow you to establish your own personal health limits and rules, because it really isn’t healthy to wear wet diapers all day if it can be avoided. Sure, a number of diapers like Abena, Bambino, Fabine, Dry 24/7, etc. are designed for extended use and massive liquid retention, but pushing them to their limits can be more trouble than its worth, especially because diaper rash is a very real potential problem, and should be avoided by routine diaper changes and use of care products such as lotion, oil, and baby powder.

At the end of the day, however, you will have to decide if involving yourself in his diaper fetish is the right decision for you to make. His routine viewing of porn should also be addressed, and there are constructive ways to do that where you both don’t end up hurting each other, and that takes time. He needs to understand your needs and desires in your relationship, just as you’re trying to understand his needs and desires. Emotions are very much a two-way street, after all.

I hope you find the above helpful as you move forward, and I wish you all the best in working your way through this situation; I truly do hope you and your boyfriend can find common ground on this where you both are enriched, rather than him feeling the need to isolate himself in it and you feeling left out of his life.

Re: My boyfriend’s diaper fetish: how do I fit in?

I’ll weigh in here. I have a problem with the porn viewing. That might be a bigger problem than a diaper fetish. Porn creates unrealistic expectations. The fact that he is into women who wore wet or messy diapers for days is an indicator that this is true. It’s not fair to you to have to compete with a fantasy.

I agree with Nighthawk for most of his above posts. You should try diapers by yourself to try to understand this. Wear the diaper, wet the diaper, and if you think you can handle it, mess in the diaper. Then you can know what boundaries to set when you try diapers with the boyfriend. Was messing too much? Wetting? Just putting on a diaper? You don’t have to do those things if it makes you uncomfortable. Try the diapers without the boyfriend just to see if you can wear or use a diaper.

Also make clear that you don’t want indulging in your boyfriend’s fetish to make regular vanilla sex to go away. Have more vanilla days than diaper days.

Re: My boyfriend’s diaper fetish: how do I fit in?

I think it is good that you try to understand him. That is a brave thing and i hope you do that one day.