My life chapter 1.5

Well here’s a new story from me. It takes some of my own experiences and added some different things. I’m going to say this now it’s not heavy on ab/dl content but there is some but that wont come out right away. Criticism welcome but im confident this is a lot better than the last thing I posted here.
Chapter 1.

I suppose I’ll start from the beginning. I won’t go through my whole life story here but I will say what needs to be said for the story. When I was younger I had temper issues and was later diagnosed with add (attention deficit disorder for those who don’t know) and because of this I had few friends for most of my school life. It all changed when I became a freshman in high school. There was this guy named Brock who for some reason took a liking to me and he helped me become more popular. When I was in 10th grade I was named the most popular sophomore in my school. Also I developed a crush on this Goth girl named Haley. I never played many sports in school but I developed a passion for throwing discuss in track but was never very good.

Now so far I guess I sound like a pretty normal high school kid right? Well I had 2 big secrets. One was that I had a secret desire to be treated like a baby, and the other is I’m a girl trapped in a boy’s body. I never got the chance to tell these secrets to my parents or really act on them on my own. The reason for this is because my parents died in a car accident just before the beginning of my junior year I was devastated. Soon social services put me in an orphanage close to my house. I didn’t stay there often because I didn’t want to be adopted just wanted to wait it out and turn 18, but you know what they say about best made plans. Of course I was eventually adopted to a rich family who lived far away which I didn’t like but whatever I knew I had a chance to improve myself. They talked about sending me to some elite boarding school, which I knew would give me unlimited opportunities.

So there I was having just moved into their house and waiting for the school year to start, but first my adopted parents wanted to send me to a shrink. I didn’t like the idea of this because I was afraid that I might brake down and confess all my secrets ah well nothing I can do about it.

So there I am waiting for the psychologist to see me. It seems that no matter how early you get there you always have to wait. Well she finally called me in she said that she just wanted to talk to me alone first. I won’t bore you with all the details but that’s more because I can’t remember a lot of it. At the end she had a strange look on her face when she called in my adopted parents. I really don’t remember their names because it wasn’t long before I started calling them mom and dad. She said a lot of complicated things but I do remember the last thing she said. " This is a hard thing to tell parents especially ones that didn’t raise the child" she said before taking a long breath " but I believe that your son well would rather be your daughter" she said simply. My parents just looked at me till finally my mom asked me if it was true. All I could do was nod.

Soon the psychologist wanted to speak to my parents in private for a few minutes. When they left the office they told me what she had said. She had told them that she was positive that this was what I wanted and I confirmed it. The doctor had also said that she would advise that I try living as a girl for a while before I made the decision. The only bad part was that when they had enrolled me in the school I was going to they had said I was a boy and they couldn’t change that without arising suspicions. I was a little disappointed till they said that if I wanted I could spend the rest of that summer as a girl I quickly agreed. So we headed out and went to the local mall but that’s for chapter 2.

My life chapter 1.5

Same comment: you’re basically lacking about 200 commas.

Tell the story, but remember, we don’t know it and so we don’t know how you want things to be read. Punctuation tells us this.

My life chapter 1.5

This shows considerable improvement from your debut effort. It’s legible, it’s not ridiculously short and it seems like you’ve found a narrative voice. I commend you for taking the time to do a better job.

Two things to consider for future installments:
-Showing vs. telling. This being a first chapter, I understand why you glossed over quite a bit. In the future, consider balancing that out with some detail.
-Dialogue. This chapter had virtually none and the one line you did have was kinda awkward (you don’t need the other ‘she said’ at the end).

My life chapter 1.5

I’m sorry about the commas thats my worst thing to do in english. I really tried hard with the puncuation and everything else but I still need to improve. To wingz i appreciate the compliments i really worked hard on this one. I’m kind of confused by the showing versus telling thing. Also i agree with you on the dialouge thing I purposefully didn’t do alot of it but thats only because im pretty poor at writing dialouge to. I know that the dialouge i did put in was poor and im trying to improve with chapter 2 coming soon

My life chapter 1.5

It still should be I or I’m and not i and i’m.
You did it at first but then went back to i and i’m.
Does any one eles think thats a big thing?

My life chapter 1.5

Woops sorry. I’ve been typing alot today and it’s getting inconvient to make ever I capital. Thank you though for your input

My life chapter 1.5

Telling= summarizing. Showing=describing what happens in those parts or scenes you’ve summarized. Obviously, there will be times when it works better to tell/summarize, so I’m not saying don’t do it. I am saying that the whole story shouldn’t be one big summary.

My life chapter 1.5

Oh thats good advice. I’ve been adding more details but I think I need to add more. Thanks for the advice I want this story to be the best story it can be. I’m glad that I’ve written a story that some people enjoy. The rest of this story will be even better

My life chapter 1.5

I wish more people had your attitude.

Honestly, I don’t remember your first story, sorry, but I can tell you that even 1.5 is better than 1, so the odds are on.

My life chapter 1.5

Thank you. My 1st story I’m going on record as saying is one of the worst stories put up here. I hope that when i get chapter 2 up it’ll be better

My life chapter 1.5

Thank you. I really have been working my butt of on this story. I lost power last night and didn’t save the draft of my second chapter but luckily it got recovered so look for chapter soon fairly soon. At the earliest tommorow

My life chapter 1.5

This story is 100% better then your first story. It actually nice that you learn from your mistake and made some improvement. Nice Job

My life chapter 1.5

Well as I recall you were one of the people who bashed my last story the worst and you liked it, it really must have gotten alot better

My life chapter 1.5

Yes I was, and I’m not going to lie, your first story was one of the worst story I ever read. But I have to give you some credit, you learn from your mistake of the first story and made improvement to yourself and your story, and I hope you continue with good work and prove to everyone who bash you (include me) that you can write a good story.

My life chapter 1.5

Well I think I’ve proved i can write a good story but i will keep a high level of quality dont worry

My life chapter 1.5

I don’t understand why his adoptive parents would adopt him just to send him to boarding school…

My life chapter 1.5

Well I guess I didn’t explain it as well. I tried to make it out like they thought the best thing they could do was give him the oppurtunities for the best possible future

My life chapter 1.5

Proven. :wink:

My life chapter 1.5

Well since I consider you to be on of the top writers on the forum that means alot to me.