“W-Willa…Willa Carolan,” the young girl stuttered. Her chocolate brown eyes focused on the black and white tiled floor as the receptionist typed into the computer. She was the only one in the waiting room which she supposed made her feel a little better.
She did not do well with interaction. The thought of even coming to therapy terrified her as she had never been before. She clenched her clammy hands into fists and counted in her mind, trying to calm the beating of her heart.
Suck it up. She thought. Plenty of people go to therapy. There was nothing to be worried about. That’s what she tried to tell herself. But she wasn’t so sure. She could barely talk to another person without stuttering or wanting to puke. How could she manage through an hour-long session? The whole point of therapy was to talk. She couldn’t even do that.
“You can just take a seat in the chair right over there.” the woman smiled at Willa, finally having stopped typing. “Dr. Tischner will be out shortly.”
Slightly nodding her head in thanks, she quickly scuttered to the furthest corner in the small room away from the woman. With her knees pressed against her chest, she rested her head on them, taking in deep and rapid shallow breaths, ignoring the stack of magazines on the tiny table beside her.
Willa didn’t know why she even agreed to come to therapy. She had managed to avoid it for the past ten years, silently suffering, never going out unless absolutely necessary. She was only twenty years old, had no friends, no job, and anxiety that riddled her mind and body. Adrian, her older brother was the one who supported her but she had a feeling he wanted her out of his home. His girlfriend of three years had just moved in and while she was completely understanding of the situation, the apartment was not big enough for three people.
Willa thought his message was pretty clear when he scheduled the appointment himself and drove her, escorting her as far as the front door then leaving.
She was pissed, rightfully so, that he would just abandon her like that. They were best friends. They had been for all of their lives. Even though her brother was five years older, they understood each other like no one else. She could count on him for everything. She didn’t have to hideaway. They were exactly the same in everything from their caramel skin, eyes, round face, and thick curly black hair. People would confuse them for twins because of how much they looked alike.
So, yes, it hurt when he just dumped her at the building. He didn’t even say when he would be back and the unknown was what scared her the most.
“Willa Carolan?” a new voice sounded throughout the room.
Shooting her head up, a blonde-haired woman dressed in a pink cashmere sweater and light jeans stood at the door with a clipboard. She looked to be about forty years old. Some lines were visible on her milky white skin but from afar she didn’t look to be over twenty-five.
On trembling legs, Willa walked across the room, ducking her head at the woman’s kind smile, and followed her through the brown door into a small room.
Sitting down on the lumpy brown couch, she closer examined everything around her. The walls were painted a mustard yellow and there was one small window which was the only light in the room. In front of her was a coffee table and a chair on the other side. An icy glass of water and a bowl of mints was situated in front of her. Her hand twitched, wanting to take a sip to cool her parched throat but she held off. Willa didn’t want to get too comfortable. She didn’t want to let her guard down.
“It’s small, I know.”
Willa jumped at the sound of the woman’s voice. The door shut and suddenly the two of them were alone. She sat across from Willa with the clipboard and pen in her hand and blue eyes gleamed in curiosity.
“I’m Dr. Tischner,” she said.
Her voice was low and without realizing it, Willa slowly found herself relaxing at the woman’s soft voice.
“You must be Willa. I believe it was your brother that set up the appointment, yeah?”
Willa nodded her head. She kept her mouth shut, still inclined not to speak. Her foot tapped against the black carpet to the beat of her heart.
“It’s alright if you don’t want to talk. We can just answer, yes or no questions.” she waved her hand. “Everyone reacts differently to therapy so there is no one way to feel or act. It’s normal to be nervous or afraid. I like to go at the patient’s pace. If you’re uncomfortable with any of my questions we can just move on. Does that seem fair?”
Her eyebrows furrowed together, taking in what she said. Willa was not one to bare her soul out to people, especially strangers. It was a relief to hear her say that because she didn’t know if she would ever be ready to share what happened.
Willa nodded her head once again. It did seem fair.
Looking down at her clipboard, she began to speak. “I just want to clarify a few things, first. Your report says that you are twenty years old; full name is Willa Jean Carolan; and that you were born November 12, 2000? ”
The young girl gave a nod.
“Great! Now that that’s out of the way I thought we could get to know each other a little,” she exclaimed. “My name is Marina Tischner and I’ve been a therapist for about ten years now. I love working with children and young adults such as yourself. I take a really laid back approach when counseling. I don’t push my patients into anything they are uncomfortable sharing and will not reveal to anyone what is said in this room unless it endangers the lives of others or yourself. Do you understand?”
Willa tugged at a curl that had fallen loose from her ponytail. She bit her lip, humming a yes, and hugged the pillow in her arms that was beside her.
Dr. Tischner continued to question her about different stuff in her life such as her favorite color, food, animal, etc, and by the end, Will found herself slightly smiling, not as tense as she had been when she first arrived. There was something about the woman that gave off a maternal presence. Something she hadn’t felt since the death of her parents.
Dr. Tischner cared about her.
It wasn’t fake.
She gulped, holding back the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes. Willa bit her bottom lip, drawing blood but sucked it away.
“I’d like to talk about your parents.” she casually brought up, stopping Willa in her tracks. Freezing, Willa’s heart dropped to the bottom of her stomach. It was the one thing she refused to ever talk about.
A single tear fell from her eye.
“You witnessed your parents murder.” her voice was just above a whisper. “That’s when the anxiety and PTSD started, isn’t it?”
Her chest rose up and down. She didn’t have the words to scream at her to stop the questions. Her shoulders shook as she continued to speak. Willa couldn’t breathe, she was gonna pass out.
“You were only ten years old. I couldn’t imagine what that could do to a child.” she sadly shook her head. “You didn’t see your brother until you were at the hospital. That’s why he isn’t as affected as you are. Does that ring true?”
The sound of a gunshot echoed in her ear. Her mother’s dead body fell to the ground. A pool of blood surrounded her. Willa’s father was already dead, having been murdered first. The intruders thought no one was home. That’s what they claimed in court.
They never meant to kill anyone, they were just gonna rob her house. It didn’t make it any better because her mother and father were dead. She hid upstairs at the top of the staircase, terrified to make a move, afraid they’d hear her.
It was two o’clock in the morning.
Her brother was sleeping over at a friend’s house.
That was the day her life changed forever.
“Take a sip of water.” Dr. Tischner calmly nodded toward the glass on the table. “We’ll stop the questioning.”
She didn’t have to tell her twice. Holding the glass with shaking hands, she tilted it to her lips, gulping it down, barely noticing the change in taste. Willa finished it within a few seconds and collapsed back against the couch, suddenly overcome with fatigue.
“We’ll stop for now. Why don’t you take a little nap… we’ve still got ten minutes left.” Dr. Tischner encouraged.
Willa didn’t have to be told twice. A haze had clouded over her mind and suddenly she found it harder to stay awake. The only thing she could hear was the doctor’s voice calmly lulling her to sleep.
This couldn’t be real. Willa naively thought. The last thing she remembered was being at Dr. Tischner’s, her brother leaving her, parents’ death, and having a panic attack. She didn’t remember anything after that.
A part of her desperately wished for this to be a dream but she knew it wasn’t. It was too real. Warm tears blinded her already blurred vision and her chest rose up and down, desperate to escape the entrapment she had been placed in.
Willa wanted to be home in her own bedroom, laying in her queen-sized pink bed. She wanted to be with her brother and for him to tell her how much she loved him. She wanted to be away from here. Away from this woman who was holding her as if she weighed nothing.
She couldn’t move her arms or legs. Her entire body was constricted in a tight swaddle of the light pink blanket. It had taken a moment for her to realize as she slowly came back to consciousness and heard the soft sound of the woman’s voice.
That was ten minutes ago.
Willa should’ve been freaking out more than she was. She should’ve been crying and screaming and having a panic attack.
But the only sign of her panic was the fat tears that rolled down her cheeks, as she stared up at the woman who cradled her against her bare skin. The only thing she could focus on was her green eyes, unable to see anything else. If she tried to look more than six feet away it all became a big blur.
“You’re alright, baby.” the woman cooed as she wiped away the tears. She spoke down to her as if she were an actual infant, unable to understand basic speech.
That pissed Willa off more than anything. But she had no way to show it except for the glare in her eyes.
“Mommy’s got you,” she spoke in a high pitched voice. “You’re safe with mommy now. You don’t have to worry about those big bad thoughts in your head. Just suck your paci.” she tapped the large object that was stuffed in her mouth.
Willa was forced to suck on it, unable to spit it out due to the strap that went around her head. Pitiful whimpers rose from the back of her throat and the woman condescendingly cooed, rocking them both in the rocking chair.
They were in the infant ward. The room was light pink and smelled of baby powder. Ten large adult-sized newborn incubators filled the room and changing tables ran along the walls. There was also a rocking chair in each corner of the room.
Everything was adult-sized.
Tapping her bottom, Willa’s eyes widened in horror as she felt a cushiony bulk on her bottom half. The woman’s smile widened, showing off her shiny white teeth. “Does baby Willa have to use her diapee?”
She began to wiggle as hard as she could, trying to escape but she was too weak. Now she was sobbing uncontrollably as the weight of the woman’s words sunk in. She was swaddled like a newborn, sucking on a pacifier, and in a diaper that she was expected to use.
Her vision had been blurred. Her muscles were weak.
She was as helpless as an infant.
Willa was an infant.
The woman stood up, pacing as she rocked her back and forth, supporting her head like you’d do a real infant. She wore no shirt and Willa’s cheek was pressed right up against her large breast.
Willa was only faintly aware of the woman’s hand, pressing on her stomach. The more she wiggled the looser her bladder became until suddenly a warm stream flooded her diaper. The thick padding expanded. She screamed and screamed through the pacifier, glaring at the woman in hate for forcing her to piss herself. It was warm and wet around her bottom and she desperately wanted it off.
She was twenty years old. She hadn’t used a diaper since she was two years old.
“I’m so proud of you!” she praised her. “You used your diapee like a good little baby-- you’re my good little girl!”
She gave her a wet kiss on the lips and placed her on the changing table, ignoring the screams. A moment later, another woman walked into the room through the sliding doors. Both had curly brown hair that fell right above their shoulders and fair skin. She crooned, brushing a girl out of her face.
“I think she’s one of the cutest infants we’ve had yet.” the woman tickled under her chin, causing Willa to wriggle away. “She’s also a very smelly baby! I think it’s time for a diapee change!”
The second woman held her down as her mommy undid the swaddle revealing her naked body and sagging thick diaper. She continued to sniffle, out of energy to fight. A strap was tightened over her waist and chest while the second woman held down her shoulders. Moving quickly, the straps were undone and the diaper removed. Grabbing baby wipes, she wipes down everywhere, running her finger over her now bare pubic bone.
Willa’s eyes widened at the realization only for the woman to giggle. “Babies like you don’t need grown-up hair. Infants are bare.” she covered her in baby powder, not wanting to cause a rash, and retapped an even thicker diaper on her, unable to close her thighs.
Undoing the straps, Willa wanted to plead not to be swaddled again but it’s what her mommy did. She wrapped it around her body even tighter than before and supporting her neck, held her against her body.
“I’ll go get a bottle.” said the other woman. “Little babies like her shouldn’t be up for so long. Little Willa needs to go nighty night.”
AN: Hey everyone! This story is on dailydiapers.com but I’ve decided to put it on here also. I’ll be updating every week or sooner but if you’d like to read ahead to chapter five, go to dailydiapers.com at Fifers12!