No title as of right now

I’ve been trying my hand at making a story. As you can see it has no title right now This is my second time at trying to make a stroy here. I don’t see an in-complete story secetion or I would have put it their. If you all have some helpful tips there welcome

Chapter 1
It is Friday morning and anice bright sunny crisp Autumn October day not one cloud in sight for miles andat least 65 degrees or warmer out I guess this is what you call Indian Summer.

My friends Mark, Sam, Dan,Davey and I all got together at lunch to discuss are plans for after schoolwhether we should walk home from school or take the school bus home.

“I think we should all walkhome.” I opened. “It’s such a beautiful day out there I sure hate to waist sucha beautiful day today.”

“I agree with you Luke it’ssuch a beautiful day out there that I too hate to waist a beautiful day too.”Sam told everybody.

“Yeah I have to agree to.”Mark said.

“Well if we’re all going towalk home I think we all need call our moms and let them know what we areplanning on doing.” Dan explained.

“Gee guys I would like towalk home with you all but my mommy doesn’t like me to walk home from schoolalone.” Davey told everybody.

“Why Davey?” I was wondering.“We only live three blocks away and you’re going to be with Sam, Mark, Dan, andme.”

“Well, okay I’ll call mymommy and ask if I can walk home with you guys.” Davey answered.

We all walked to the mainoffice to ask if it was okay to use the phone to call home.

As we walked through the doorwe were greeted by Miss. Smith the school secretary.

“Can I help you kids?” Miss.Smith the school secretary asked the five of us.

“Yes, we are wondering if itwould be okay for use to the phone to call home.” I asked.

“Can I ask why do you want touse the phone?” Miss. Smith asked us.

Before Miss. Smith the schoolsecretary gave us permission to use the phone she asked us why did we want touse the phone?

“It’s such a nice day outthat we would like to call our moms to see if we all can walk home.” Sam spokeup.

“So, can we please use thephone?” Mark asked again.

“Yes, go ahead.” Miss. Smiththe school secretary said.

Davey asked if he can callhome first and we all agreed to let Davey call home.

Hello… um mommy. “What’sgoing on Davey?” Davey’s mom was wondering.

“Nothing mommy” Davey said.“I was wondering if I can walk home with Mark, Sam, Dan, and Luke.” Davey askedhis mommy.

After Davey hung up the phonehe looked at us with a big smile almost a smile from ear-to-ear and said with alittle too much excitement. “I can walk home with you guys.” Davey saidexcitedly.

Miss. Smith looked at Daveyand said “Quite please not so loud you all need to use your inside voices.”

“Sorry Miss. Smith I willremember to use my inside voice next time.” Davey said.

That’s okay Davey I know youare a little excited to have received some good news especially on a day liketoday but remember to use your inside voice next time or maybe next time youwill be seeing Mr. Dingdong that goes for all of you.

Next Sam picked up the phoneand called his mom to see if it was okay for him to walk home with me, Davey,Dan, Mark, and me.

After Sam hung up the phonehe turned to us and said that it was ok for me to walk home with all of you all.

Then Mark took his turn atthe phone and dialed his mom at home and asked if it was okay for him to walkhome with my friends Mark, Dan, Davey and me.

It was ok for Mark to walkhome.

Then Dan took his turn at thephone, after he called his mom he looked at us and said it was ok.

Then I called my mom at workand she said it was ok.

Re: No title as of right now

First of all: this is the “incomplete stories” section. It’s the place where things “in progress” are posted so they can gain some feedback and (if the author is serious, anyway) become stronger. So you’re in the right place.

Now, about the piece you are writing…

It’s nice to tell a story set in an idyllic time like grade school featuring a group of friends. Honestly, that’s not a situation seen in very many stories. But there are several things to consider when setting out to write one:

  • Even within the members of a group, someone needs to be the main character, and we need to have a sense of that person's perspective from the outset. (This is not a universal truth, but for a beginning writer it sure helps a lot.)
  • Dialogue written out should always sound exactly like dialogue spoken aloud. Try that with your dialogue...do people really speak like that? Lots of times, in dialogue, sentences are truncated and people are interrupted, etc. because others get the point before the speaker is finished. And people don't generally repeat the other person nearly verbatim.
  • It's important, in the early part of a story, to provide a few things to get the reader involved: interesting characters, clear settings, and a sense of a (coming) conflict. Your piece at this moment provides as answers: [I]some grade school kids, a school, [/I]and, well, nothing. And those first two answers are so generic that the reader simply cannot [I]sense[/I] them, cannot possibly begin to become emotionally involved. In opening any story, [B]specificity of detail [/B]is critical. And that "nothing"? That would be devastating if it stays that way: a story without conflict is not a story.
  • Proofreading, of course, is always fun.
  • A piece does not consist of dialogue alone, yet for the most part that's what yours seems to be. See my last comment: [I][B]describe[/B][/I].

I hope that you find this helpful. :slight_smile:

Re: No title as of right now

Aww what happend? I see some of the words aren’t evenly spaced. I made sure all the words were evenly spaced before I hit post.

Re: No title as of right now

You did a good job spacing your story out. :slight_smile: You had an idea of the kids all walking home together and you really stuck with it. So the bit of plot you had stayed on track. Kerry gave some great advice, so if you follow her advice, you can build on what you’ve got.

Re: No title as of right now

A little birdie told me that someone helped your post to be something actually useful after the way you entered the story into the post editor produced something highly broken.

Re: No title as of right now

Pronouns are your friends. “Us” or “we” are often perfectly good alternatives for a list of four or five people. Also, remember to go through the text before posting it so you fix the missing spaces that might be caused by what seems to be a somewhat defective spacebar. If nothing else, run it through a spellchecker. That could fix quite a few of your typos. You should also be on the lookout for homophones since you seem to make quite a few mistakes there.

And just a little tip, instead of having each character call home one at a time, you could let one call and then just say “after the rest of us had called and received the all clear…” or something to that effect. That way, the story seems less repetetive.

Re: No title as of right now

Drops a copy on Mr. C’s head from 50 feet up

Don’t complain about the formatting just fix it

Re: No title as of right now

Chapter 2

After we had received permission from Miss. Smith the school secretary to use the school phone to call our mom’s and we received the okay to walk home after school there was two and half hours left in the school day.

We left the main office andwent outside until the lunch hour was over and time to go back to class.

Once outside we all ran toour favorite meeting place and started to make plans for a sleepover.

“How about we have thesleepover at my house.” I spoke up.

I think dad bought a largetent that will fit all five of us if not I know we have two medium tents.

If we can’t sleep outside inthe tents or if it is a little too cool at night or raining, we can all sleepdownstairs in the game room.

“Good idea Luke I like that.”Sam said.

“Does everybody else likethat idea besides Sam?” I asked.

“Sounds like a good idea tome.” Mark and everybody else explained.

“What about you Davey?” Iasked him “Your quite over there what are you thinking?”

“Yeah you can count me intoo.” Davey told everybody.

All of us cheered and gave everybodythe high five.

After that there was aboutten minutes left in the lunch hour. We all climbed around on the jungle gymuntil it was time to go back to class.

The bell rang stating lunch hourwas over and it was time to go back to class.

I told Davey witch doors tomeet us at so we can start our little journey home.

The two in half hours went prettyfast and before we knew it, it was time to go for the weekend.

The bell rang saying the school day was over until next monday.

Dan, Sam, Mark, and I allgrabbed our sweater and backpacks and headed out the class room.

Sam went to Davey’s classroom to see if he was still their while Dan, Mark, and I went to the doors wherewe said we were going to meet at. We found Davey their waiting for us.

“There you are Davey. Samwent to your class room to see if you were still there.” I looked at Davey.

"Sam isn’t going to find me there."Davey told me.

“My class was let out fiveminutes early today.” Davey told us.

Sam came to the doors where we weregoing to meet at to find out Davey was there all this time waiting.

We started walking home. Isuggested that we should stop at the store and get some candy for tonight’ssleepover.

Everybody agreed so westopped in the store and we had to run through the baby aisle to get to thecandy aisle.

I saw Mark stop by the disposablediapers and found youth size Pampers disposable diapers not pull-ups. Actualdisposable diapers that will fit him and started drooling over them like a kidour age will drool over candy, chips, or a toy.

Sam, Davey, and Dan wereahead of Mark and me so they weren’t aware of what Mark was up to or what hewas looking at.

I went up to Mark asking “Whyare you looking at diapers for?” I asked him in a whisper.

“Have you ever wondered whatwearing diapers are like now that you are ten years old? Mark asked me.

“Let’s talk about this laterin private before Sam, Davey, and Dan start wondering what’s going on.” I toldMark.

We got to the candy aislegrabbed some candy that interest us and ran up to the cash registers topurchase our candy.

Re: No title as of right now

Other than removing the tag soup you managed to post nothing was touched on your post. All the spacing issues are yours.

Re: No title as of right now

Just so everyone will know what I’m talking about regarding the tag soup, here’s chapter 2 in it’s raw form:

[noparse]Chapter 2

After we had received permission from Miss. Smith the school secretary to use the school phone to call our mom’s and we received the okay to walk home after school there was two and half hours left in the school day.

We left the main office andwent outside until the lunch hour was over and time to go back to class.

Once outside we all ran toour favorite meeting place and started to make plans for a sleepover.

“How about we have thesleepover at my house.” I spoke up.

I think dad bought a largetent that will fit all five of us if not I know we have two medium tents.

If we can’t sleep outside inthe tents or if it is a little too cool at night or raining, we can all sleepdownstairs in the game room.

“Good idea Luke I like that.”Sam said.

“Does everybody else likethat idea besides Sam?” I asked.

“Sounds like a good idea tome.” Mark and everybody else explained.

“What about you Davey?” Iasked him “Your quite over there what are you thinking?”

“Yeah you can count me intoo.” Davey told everybody.

All of us cheered and gave everybodythe high five.

After that there was aboutten minutes left in the lunch hour. We all climbed around on the jungle gymuntil it was time to go back to class.

The bell rang stating lunch hourwas over and it was time to go back to class.

I told Davey witch doors tomeet us at so we can start our little journey home.

The two in half hours went prettyfast and before we knew it, it was time to go for the weekend.

The bell rang saying the school day was over until next monday.

Dan, Sam, Mark, and I allgrabbed our sweater and backpacks and headed out the class room.

Sam went to Davey’s classroom to see if he was still their while Dan, Mark, and I went to the doors wherewe said we were going to meet at. We found Davey their waiting for us.

“There you are Davey. Samwent to your class room to see if you were still there.” I looked at Davey.

"Sam isn’t going to find me there."Davey told me.

“My class was let out fiveminutes early today.” Davey told us.

Sam came to the doors where we weregoing to meet at to find out Davey was there all this time waiting.

We started walking home. Isuggested that we should stop at the store and get some candy for tonight’ssleepover.

Everybody agreed so westopped in the store and we had to run through the baby aisle to get to thecandy aisle.

I saw Mark stop by the disposablediapers and found youth size Pampers disposable diapers not pull-ups. Actualdisposable diapers that will fit him and started drooling over them like a kidour age will drool over candy, chips, or a toy.

Sam, Davey, and Dan wereahead of Mark and me so they weren’t aware of what Mark was up to or what hewas looking at.

I went up to Mark asking “Whyare you looking at diapers for?” I asked him in a whisper.

“Have you ever wondered whatwearing diapers are like now that you are ten years old? Mark asked me.

“Let’s talk about this laterin private before Sam, Davey, and Dan start wondering what’s going on.” I toldMark.

We got to the candy aislegrabbed some candy that interest us and ran up to the cash registers topurchase our candy.

[/noparse]

That’s the same kind of crap I was nice enough to clean up in the first post, but yeah screw it. I don’t care if it looks horrible on the other themes at this point. Congrats. You’re now down to one (possibly two) staff members out of 6 who will ever touch your posts.

Re: No title as of right now

Looks like someone dropped something on Renko it weren’t me and i don’t think its a book… seriously what kind of turd is that

Re: No title as of right now

:confused: wtf…@.@ just how the heck does one manage to do that? X.X Highlight and format every single line seperately? O.o

Re: No title as of right now

Fascinating. (Insert Spock-style raised eyebrow) When you use the raw form that Renko posted and adjust the margins, the words that are missing spaces line up vertically. That makes me less likely to blame a defective keyboard.

Good job on the pronouns. You should still, however, run your text through a spellchecker. If for no other reason than to fix the problem with the missing spaces.

Re: No title as of right now

well, an interesting development indeed.

Re: No title as of right now

Mom of three here. That would be her advice, please. :slight_smile:

Re: No title as of right now

And now I have a whole new thought.
Stop. Rewind. Start again. Here is what has occurred so far:

  1. Some grammar school boys decide to walk home together on a beautiful day instead of taking the bus.
  2. They go to the school office and make calls to their parents for permission to do so.
  3. At recess, they decide to have a sleepover.
  4. After the day ends, they start walking home but stop at a store.
  5. One of them randomly decides to reveal to his friend that he is fascinated by diapers.
  6. They buy candy.

Other than (2) taking WAY too long because you insisted on having each kid do it separately and (5) being utterly ridiculous because who would ever do that?, so far it’s pretty simple. But so far it’s not really enough even for one chapter, and you’ve stretched it into two. So I say start over. Create a strong setting, introduce the main character and his friends––who IS the main character here?––and lead us to the start of a conflict…but a realistic one. A kid can be fascinated by diapers and a friend can see him staring, but no way does a ten year old boy tell a friend a thing like that. I mean: you were a ten year old boy once, weren’t you?

Re: No title as of right now

[QUOTE=kerry;68286]Mom of three here. That would be her advice, please. :-)[/QUOTE] Ah, sorry. Fixed it.

Re: No title as of right now

Reading this thread seems to be the result of morbid curiosity, not actual interest. I’m lacking in points to make that haven’t already been made beyond that.

Re: No title as of right now

I mean I’m trying​, but…

Re: No title as of right now

The realistic reply would not be “Let’s talk about this laterin private before Sam, Davey, and Dan start wondering what’s going on.”, but more likely “Dude, you’re weird.” or something along those lines (if it doesn’t result in immediate, merciless teasing. Remember, ten-year-olds are utter arseholes.)