Opposing Fixation - Chapter 3
“I met a weird girl at the middle school today. Her name is Mackenzie and… I think she’s into the same stuff as me. She totally saved me but then was all weird about stuff. She’s not like anyone I know, but I think she’s neat. I’m not sure but we agreed to meet next week, I made it like a dare but I hope we can be friends.” – An excerpt from the journal of London Elliot, 10/03/2014
Mackenzie spent the rest of her day in a daze. It was almost palatable, the inexplicable emotions and sensations she’d had during her experiences with London. The damp, tiny wet-spot in her panties served as a reminder for another hour or so afterwards. Was she actually going to show up next week to their meeting? She’d felt challenged at the time, almost compelled to be there but now, the situation fading into a memory, she realized there was nothing London could do if she just didn’t show.
At the same time, she felt inexplicably drawn to returning anyway. She wanted to know London, to understand her. The girl was an enigma to someone like Mackenzie. She seemed so comfortable with herself, so free. After all, Mackenzie thought in utter incomprehension, she had admitted that she peed her panties on purpose. That was disgusting, wrong, and… so cool, Mackenzie mused. Her mind tried to tell her that it was nauseating but her stomach wasn’t actually bothered by it. Why was she so interested in it when it was supposed to be a kid’s worst nightmare.
She didn’t know quite how to wrap her head around it. On the one hand, she felt disgusted with herself for considering this meet-and-pee-our-panties thing. If her dad knew– well, she could be certain he would disown her. A deep, pervading sense of guilt fell upon her as she considered the meet up. Despite that guilt, she desperately wanted the week to be over right away so she could meet London again. Her thoughts were all twisted up.
What’s more, Mackenzie felt a special connection to London. Yesterday she wouldn’t have imagined that she would get involved, even insofar as to help the girl get cleaned up, except that now, after being presented with the situation, she had done it. Mackenzie’s way was to keep her head down and stay out of trouble, yet she risked her comfort to help London hide her problem. Even when London had goaded her into coming back, Mackenzie hadn’t felt any malice from her. She admitted that, without it, her instinct to just hide and forget about things probably would have won out.
That evening during dinner, the events still fresh in her mind, Mackenzie found it impossible to look her father in the eye. He didn’t seem to notice anyway, as he ate dinner quickly and headed off to continue working on a file from work. Mackenzie didn’t make an effort to talk to him; she was too confused over what had happened at school. She did her chores like normal, still detached from reality as, over and over, the incident replayed in her head.
Her evening chores done, she headed into her room, booted up her computer, and sat on Google. She had to know something more; she had to make sense of this. A quick search for “I like peeing my panties” gave her an amazing amount of disturbing results. Mackenzie found questions about it and answers, like: “whatever gets you off” and “everyone has a fetish.”
Some inkling inside her made her realize that everyone was relating it to “sex” somehow. Was it about sex? Mackenzie had never wanted to have sex, she’d never even found a boy “cute.” When all her classmates had started talking about which boys they thought were cute in the last year of elementary she’d gotten good at playing along but she’d never really thought anything like that.
Mackenzie didn’t really know much about sex; she knew that was how you made babies, that a penis went in the girl’s vagina, and her dad had dropped a pamphlet (a very embarrassing one) on her bed a few months ago that explained about “menstruation” but that hadn’t happened to her yet. Even health class was barely getting to teaching them the names of the reproductive system.
She didn’t really want to know more about that, she just wanted to know more about people who peed their panties. That was surprisingly easy to find. It didn’t take long to find a whole forum of people talking about times when they had peed their pants or panties. She read the stories with a fervor that blocked the world out. She was transfixed, she needed to know more: why some of them did it intentionally, why some didn’t mind when it happened. There were even people posting about bedwetting, a problem she understood, but never with the interest that the online communities showed in it.
It was a jolting surprise when a quiet tap finally came on her door. In shock, she fumbled to close the browser window just as her door opened, her dad sticking his head instead and glancing about.
“I know it’s not a school night, but it’s almost midnight.” Her dad said softly with an air of mild concern.
“I was just going to bed.” Mackenzie agreed, finding her throat suddenly a bit tight. She looked towards her bed, trying to avoid her father’s gaze, as she stood up from her computer desk.
“What were you doing on the computer?” Her dad asked, his voice still calm and slow.
“Ahh…. nothing.” Mackenzie stammered, still staring at the floor. Her father remained silent, her explanation sounded like she was hiding something, even to her. “I just… was looking up stuff, you know, for my… bedwetting…”
“Oh, sorry.” Her dad replied uncomfortably as he closed the door. “I didn’t mean to pry. If you need me to get you something just ask,” he continued from the other side.
Mackenzie breathed a sigh of relief at her quick thinking. She knew she had to look guilty as hell but they both knew that her bedwetting was an embarrassing thing so, hopefully, she had given a plausible reason for her discomfort. She disrobed, throwing her t-shirt, training bra, jeans, panties, and socks in her hamper in due course before holding her hair up.
She opened her closet, looking at herself naked in front of her full-length mirror as she held her hair in a pony tail like London had it, tied at the top of her head. She wished to herself dad would let her dye her hair blonde as she spun on her heel, to try and see if her hair looked at all like London’s from behind. Mackenzie’s hair was shorter though, it barely went past her shoulder blades when held up like that and the chestnut brown tint lacked the refinement she perceived from London’s locks. She wrinkled her nose, rubbing her freckles around where her glasses sat, wondering if they were cute or ugly.
Mackenzie turned and sighed as she went over to her closet, pulling out the last of her GoodNites before she’d have to open the case her dad had left on her bed today. She slipped it up her legs, a practiced motion, but tonight she considering it a little differently after what she had been reading online. The rough false-cloth exterior and stretchy sides came up around her hips. She looked down at the design, with a butterfly on the front. It was kind of babyish; she still had a few panties with designs that were old but now she only got panties that were one color or looked more grownup. Changing in gym had forced that issue.
She patted her butt tentatively, wondering what London would think if she knew Mackenzie had to wear diapers to bed. It would be humiliating, especially since London was still in elementary school and she was in middle school, Mackenzie thought but the idea of being exposed also made her feel warm and anxious inside. She wondered if London wet the bed too. She almost wanted to just admit it to London, the same way London had admitted to her that she’d had her accident on purpose but, if she didn’t, it might be a really embarrassing admission.
She looked at herself again in the mirror, wearing just a GoodNite. She looked like a little toddler in a pull-up, Mackenzie thought to herself. She was simultaneously happy with the cuteness and furious that she hadn’t started developing like some of the other girls; that fact was downright embarrassing in gym but was partly hidden that her dad bought her training bras when she asked without checking if she needed them. She snapped the front of the GoodNite absently. She wondered if London would think if she saw her in it.
Suddenly, a idea came to Mackenzie’s mind. London and her had agreed to pee their pants but London hadn’t said what they had to be wearing. She could wear a GoodNite, and then she wouldn’t have to go back into class with pee pants.
Would that be cheating, Mackenzie wondered. Maybe it wasn’t– she would pee in her pants after all, just like they said. Then she’d get to see London do it too. Mackenzie pulled on her pajama bottoms up and over her GoodNite, considering her plan. It wasn’t a bad one.
Not that Mackenzie had ever purposefully peed a GoodNite either. She wasn’t even sure she could do that. Still, at least then she would have some protection. It seemed cleaner, more acceptable somehow. She pulled on her pajama top and looked at herself again in the mirror, the GoodNite almost invisible under them.
Did she even have the courage to wear a GoodNite to school? She wondered. She sighed, hating and loving her musing about next week at the same time. She crawled under the covers and tried to sleep. Her mind was raced so fast it felt like she’d never get there yet, four hours past her bedtime, she succumbed to the night, and her dreams were various permutations of the morning’s events.
As for London, she managed to get back to class in record time but she didn’t escape being told-off by Ms. Calder for taking her so long. London wasn’t really bothered though, she’d already gotten all her work done before asking to be excused so it wasn’t like she’d lost any points. The damp panties, clinging to her bottom, were a tangible reminder of what had gone on just a few minutes ago. There was a current of exhilaration in her thoughts, just five minutes ago she had been discussing the joy of peeing herself with another girl; she’d never thought that would happen. They were even supposed to meet again. She wondered if the girl would have the courage to come.
“Mackenzie” London mouthed a couple of times, alone on her bench seat on the bus. Mackenzie was older– and that made her at least a little cool. At the same time, while she seemed interested, she also seemed completely new to peeing her pants. That made no sense to London– obviously, if you liked something, you’d do it. How could you be in middle school and not know whether you liked peeing your pants? Or, if you did like it, how could you not have done it a million times by then? It didn’t make sense to her. Still, getting to share her greater knowledge of the subject with Mackenzie was empowering. Somehow, it put her on the same level as the older girl, being more experienced in this.
London had always assumed panty-peeing was something you stopped wanting to do as you got older. At least, her mom made it seem that way. Yet, Mackenzie was going to start now, as an older kid– that was, if she showed up. It definitely didn’t make sense from the way London currently understood things but it didn’t really bother her either.
The rest of the school day felt boring by comparison. She was stuck back with a school filled with kids her own age, doing the same routine classes that were annoyingly easy. Then again, that meant she could get her work done and still have time to think about what fun they could have next week. She pushed the worry that Mackenzie wouldn’t show out of her mind. Still, what was she and Mackenzie going to do when they only had a few minutes? Maybe Mackenzie would want to be friends and they could play at each others’ houses or something afterwards.
London didn’t have any close friends, except for Anna, and Anna only partially counted because she was her sister. London had a best friend in second and third grade but Tessa had moved away when school ended last year and London hadn’t really been able to get included in a new clique yet. By the time Anna came to pick her up from school, London was dying to talk about what had happened just because she had absolutely no one else to discuss it with but, even so, the conversation would have to be filtered.
The elementary school was on the way to their mobile home from the middle school so Anna would get London from the school playground on the way. There was a daycare at the school, so there were plenty of kids still around when Anna got there half an hour later. Of course, being free, London had decided to walk around the side of the school building to engage in another wetting.
The sounds of the kids around the corner echoing off the building was fine, London decided, squatting down under an oak tree out of view of everyone. She took in a sharp breath as she leaned against the bark and a hot stream of wetness entered her almost-dried panties. Soon, it had ridden up her behind and, this time, with no one around, London was able to just enjoy it and relax. By the time Anna found her alone a few minutes late, still squatting and poking the ground with a stick, London was ready to do something else.
“London, let’s go!” Anna called. London ran over grabbed her backpack from beside the building and the two started off toward home.
Once they were on a quiet road, out of sight of school, London felt safe enough to try and pry her thrice-soaked panties and tights out from in between her butt cheeks. They were sticking uncomfortably and it was a little too cold in the autumn afternoon, with the breeze blowing against her.
“You smell like a toilet.” Anna announced, without any malice, as they walked.
“I’ll take a shower when I get home.” London agreed, a little embarrassed.
“Seriously. It’s bad.” Anna emphasized, holding her nose in disgust.
“I said I’ll shower. Geeze.” London replied, feeling a little guilty she had let it get so bad that Anna felt she needed to bug her about it. Suddenly she felt like she didn’t want to talk about her experiences with Mackenzie that morning.
“So how’d your stupid genius-class go?” Anna pressed, teasing her. “You were at my school, right?”
“It was fine.” London replied sullenly.
“Don’t be that way.” Anna said, giving London a light, playful shove as they walked. “How was it?”
“I met a weird girl who goes to your school.” London said, finally, unable to contain herself.
“Yeah, she… well, she saw…” London suddenly realized that she never actually confessed to even peeing her pants to anyone but Mackenzie. It was definite that her family knew that she did it but she never actually –said– the words. “I, you know, was peeing… outside… and she helped me clean up and stuff.”
“You mean she saw you having an accident?” Anna said, an eyebrow raised. London nodded, blushing. “You mean you just pissed yourself in the hall at my school?”
“Never mind.” London replied angrily, hiking up her backpack and increasing her pace to get ahead of Anna.
“Wait. Dang.” Anna replied, catching up to her little sister. “So what happened?”
“You’re just going to make fun of me.” London replied, miffed.
“I will not. Come on.” Anna pleaded.
“No.” London said, suddenly realizing that, if she continued the story, she might end up revealing the location of the secret bathroom, and that Mackenzie would definitely not be okay with her talking about that. Anna prodded for a few more minutes without success before giving up and talking about a boy in her class that she had a crush on. London listened as she always did, glad that Anna was willing to let it go.
Once home, London stripped off her soaked tights and panties and got into the shower. The hot, clean water felt great on her skin, and she soaped herself up twice before she decided to get out. Her lower area, she noticed unhappily, was a little red and raw, and she knew it was from being wet too much. She’d have to rein it in a little or it’d start burning– she hated that. She toweled off gingerly and walked back to her room naked, looking for some clean clothes to wear, only to find that everything she had was either soiled, or next to something soiled. She gathered them up into a big pile in her arms, carrying her dirty, smelly laundry through the house to the laundry alcove, dropping them in front of her mother’s feet as she folding things coming out of the dryer.
“And what are these?” Her mom asked, bending over to pick up Cody who had been playing with a loose pair of socks.
“My clothes are all dirty.” London announced, holding vast pile of laundry in front of her.
“I guessed that.” Her mom replied, motioning to her daughter’s nakedness behind the pile. “Didn’t I wash a lot of clothes for you last week.”
“Yeah…” London admitted sheepishly.
“Did you put them in your drawers like I asked?” Her mom added. London looked at the floor.
“Honestly, I’ve got things to do besides your laundry.” Her mom continued, tsking. “You’d think you could at least keep the clean clothes separate from the dirty ones. This time, can you promise me to put the clean ones away in your drawers?”
“I will, mama.” London said, playing for sympathy. Her mom rolled her eyes, patted London’s head and dismissed her daughter as she went about handling the laundry. London headed back to her room only to find Anna wasn’t watching T.V. but about to head out the door as she passed into the living room.
“Where’re you going?” London asked, stopping.
“I was going down to the park.” Anna replied.
“I wanna go!” London declared excitedly. Anna almost always just hung around and London wasn’t allowed to go to the park on her own yet. She definitely didn’t want to miss the day Anna actually wanted to go play.
“Fine. Put some clothes on then.” Anna said, exasperated with London’s lack of modesty. Her mom had just started making a small point about it.
In general, London’s family wasn’t exactly modest; especially since Daryl wasn’t around that much (even if he was there, they were family), and the rest of them were girls. It was pretty normal to walk around in various states of undress. Still, only London was young enough to stride unabashedly through the house stark-naked. Anna might go from the bathroom to the bedroom nude, but that was about the limit of her exhibitionism. She almost cringed for her little sister, along with the fact that she still wore panties emblazoned with cartoon characters and little-kid symbols.
“I don’t have anything clean, mom’s washing them.” London replied worriedly, as she recognized her dilemma.
“Just wear something dirty then.” Anna replied, flopping onto the couch while she waited.
“But… I just took a shower.” London said, annoyed. “Can I wear a pair of your pants?”
“I don’t want them smelling like pee.” Anna shot back. London frowned.
“Mama! Anna won’t let me use any of her clothes!” London yelled through the house.
“I don’t want her peeing on my clothes; it’s gross!” Anna yelled equally loudly. The two siblings glared at each other.
“London!” Their mother yelled from the kitchen. “Promise your sister you’ll be careful not to get her clothes wet.”
“I promise!” London yelled back so her mother could hear her.
“Anna! Let you sister borrow some clothes. London! You pee in your sister’s clothes and you’re in trouble, you hear me?” Their mother called back.
London shot Anna a smug glance as Anna found her least favorite pair of jeans, a pair of black panties, and a purple t-shirt for London to wear. They were a little big but London wore them happily. Kate and Anna traded clothes sometimes and it always bugged her to be excluded just cause she wet them sometimes. All of her clothes were hand-me-downs from Kate and Anna anyway. The girls yelled goodbye to their mother as they exited the house.
It was dusk by the time the Anna and London were on the way back, exhausted from playing with the other kids who had showed up at the park. It was only the mobile-home-park kids whose parents allowed them to go to the park on their own but some parents would bring their kids out to the park on a Friday afternoon as well.
London absently pulled at the back of the t-shirt she was wearing as the two walked along, carefully falling a few paces behind Anna. She had decided against wetting again that evening on account of her sore bottom and had just planned to wait until she got home because the park toilets were cold. However, in the midst of play, it hadn’t seemed as though she had to go very bad. Now, on the boring walk home, all adrenaline removed, she was thinking that, perhaps, she should have gone before they left the park. Her thighs clenched ineffectively as she felt a short, hot spurt of urine enter the panties she’d borrowed from Anna.
“You’re doing it, aren’t you?” Anna accused, spinning around, as London looked like a deer caught in the headlights. London knew she shouldn’t have slowed down but she was trying to keep control. She’d been sure she could wait until she got home but, on the walk back, the pressure on her bladder had been a bit too much for her and she’d thought that she could go just a little. It didn’t work it she tried to let go but, sometimes, she could stop if it was just a little leakage.
“No.” London lied sullenly, as she felt the stream, tiny trickle by tiny trickle, increasing and continuing to spread through her panties. She didn’t have to go that bad and, hopefully, she’d stop before it started making a puddle. Her hope came to fruition as she stopped just after it spread across her backside but before it went down her legs. The wetness chaffed and burned a bit.
“You are too.” Anna said harshly. “You’re gonna be in trouble.”
“It was an accident!” London hissed, pulling at her pants to get at the panties’ elastic gather around her leg.
“Hah, I knew you would pee!” Anna declared, annoyed.
“I did not!” London argued.
“You just admitted you did.” Anna taunted. London opened her mouth to speak but, angrily, realized Anna was right. She glowered, walking behind Anna, angry that Anna had fooled her into admitting it. They walked along further, London planning her excuses out in her mind as they walked. It took another five minutes to get home, and London still didn’t feel particularly good about any of the excuses she’d come up with. Anna, of course, wasn’t going to give her the time to find any.
“Momm!” She yelled as she flung the screen door open. “London peed in my clothes!”
“London, get in here!” Her mother’s voice called before London could even hightail it back to her room. She saw Anna was ready to catch her anyway. Chewing her lower lip, London stomped into the kitchen, Anna following closely behind to enjoy her little sister’s comeuppance. London stood, alone, in the middle of the kitchen floor as her mother leaned on the kitchen counter.
“Do I need to check?” Her mom asked, folding her arms across her chest.
“No, but… I just…” London started, “I thought I could hold it til’ I got home.” Her mom raised her eyebrow. “I mean, Anna didn’t use the toilet while we were there either…” She continued as her mother folded her arms across her chest. “I… please, I’m sorry.”
“You mean to tell me my ten-year-old girl can’t remember to use the toilet at all, even when she –knows– she’ll be in trouble?” Her mom asked increduously.
“No…I…” London stammered. Anna smiled gleefully at the exchange.
“Either you’ve forgotten how to use the toilet or you’re just pissing on your sister’s clothes to be mean.” Her mom said, pulling out one of Cody’s diapers from the pack on the kitchen counter as she placed her hands on her hips. “Maybe a little reminder of how babies are treated will encourage you to act your age?”
“Mama, this is dumb!” London bluffed, but internally she was horrified. Anna laughed as their mom held up one of her little brother’s diapers. London gulped but knew she had to stay strong or Anna would tear into her far worse; she rolled her eyes in false bravado as she obeyed, laying herself on the floor at her mother’s command like it was a game, as Anna chuckled quietly from her vantage point in the dining room.
London knew when she was beat. Sometimes her mom got in the mood to “discipline” her daughters out of guilt for not disciplining them enough. It was always sort of humiliating but her mom never made it heavier than it naturally was, and her kids knew not to fight it when the time came; her mom never made a big deal about it– if the punishee complied.
Even Kate, her eldest sister, had dealt stoically with being put over her mom’s knee in front of the family at the age of fifteen for coming home drunk last year. Anna had once tried to refuse wearing a dunce cap for the evening for her failing a class; the punishment of no T.V. for two months instead had, in the long-term, seemed to make her and the family suffer much more.
It was legitimately embarrassing that her mom was removing wet pants and panties as she laid there like an infant; London found keeping the neutral expression on her face harder than she expected as that occurred. Her mother stretched the Pamper’s tapes and London desperately hoped that the diaper wouldn’t fit. To her dismay her mom got it to hold relatively easily, although it was stretched and looked a bit silly.
“There we go, my little one’s all taken care of now.” Her mom said, dusting her hands off.
“It suits her.” Anna chimed in. As London climbed off the floor in just a undersized Pamper and Anna’s t-shirt.
“You can also hand wash your sister’s clothes that you wet.” Her mom added as London nodded. Huffily, London picked the wet panties and pants off the floor, as she headed over to the sink. It was hard trying to look serious wearing nothing but a Pamper. She grimaced as she turned on the faucet, hearing the plastic crinkling between her legs.
London found that she had no appetite that evening. It was hard to be in the mood when you were sitting around the family wearing nothing but a diaper. Kate had joined Anna in ribbing her about it for a few minutes after she got home but everyone seemed to have stopped caring since then. Really, the diaper wasn’t that bad, London knew.
The diaper was, however, a public statement that she was out of favor with mom– and that fact was getting to her. Plus, it was about something London was particularly sensitive about, even though she acted like she wasn’t She looked down at the hamburger steak. Usually it was her favorite but now her stomach just turned and twisted on itself. She was used to being calm under fire but now, her favorite source of stress relief had been turned against her. Wearing a wet diaper around would certainly be worse that a dry one.
“Isn’t baby hungry?” Anna teased, noticing London wasn’t eating much. “Maybe she’d prefer a bottle?”
London let the comment seep in without retorting. Minutes dragged by as her mom and Kate talking about Kate getting a car soon if she saved up the money. A few tears slipped out of London’s eyes as she started shaking slightly. She hated being punished; she always tried so hard to be good for Mama. She always got good grades. “Why was mama suddenly so angry about this?” she asked herself.
“Is she crying?” Kate noticing, half-amused and half-concerned.
Her mom, Kate, Anna and even her baby brother all turned to look at her. The increased scrutiny was too much, London broke into sobs, sniffing as she tried ineffectively to stop the tears by rubbing her eyes. How was she crying? She was always good at controlling herself.
“London, what’s wrong?” Her mom asked suddenly.
“I don’t… wanna… wear a diaper…” London managed to speak between sobs. Her mother and sisters looked at each other in surprise.
“Oh, honey.” Her mom said soothingly. “I was just trying to remind you to be a little more careful. Wearing a diaper isn’t nothing to cry over is it? It didn’t seem like you thought it was a big deal before…”
“She’s being a baby.” Anna said flippantly and London wailed in response.
“Lay off!” Kate ordered Anna. “Geeze, she’s really upset.”
“Come on.” Her mom declared, picking her daughter up. “You girl’s keep eating and watch Cody, we’ll finish up later.”
London buried her face in her mom’s chest as she was carried, for the first time in years, back to her bedroom. Her mother sat her down on her mattress and sat across from her on Anna’s bed. The sounds of dinner and her siblings were now distant mummers as her mom closed the door.
“You going to be okay?” Her mom asked. London nodded as she sniffed and wiped at her eyes. Her breathing was still ragged even if she had managed to quit crying out loud. Her mom took a breath in “phew, it is a bit rank in here.”
“I’m sorry.” London added pitifully.
“Ehh, whatever.” Her mom replied. “I’ll wash it all, that’ll hold it for another week or two. Now, do you know why you got punished?”
“Cause’ I wet my pants.” London said, drawing in a breath as her breathing began to slow.
“Oh, come on now. Is that what you really think?” Her mom pressed.
“Cause I wet Anna’s clothes?” London tried.
“That’s right, it was disrespectful to your sister, who I forced to loan you her clothes. How would you feel if Anna just came in and tore a few pages out of one of your books.”
“I’m sorry.” London stammered.
“Don’t tell me, tell Anna. Mommy didn’t want you cry like that, she forgets that you don’t like us talking about the peeing because you usually act like such a big girl about it. It wouldn’t have gotten to Anna or Kate at all if I’d made them wear one, so I forgot, but did we learn our lesson?”
London nodded mutely, she hated her mother talking to her like a toddler but she liked the hug and she couldn’t deny she’d been crying like a baby just a minute ago.
“Well, then I guess you can take it off.” Her mom decided. “Now go enjoy your dinner. I put your clean clothes in your drawers for you.”
London nodded, still torn up by the emotional rollercoaster as she went to her drawers to find her clothes washed and folded neatly. She selected a fresh pair of panties and pajamas and changed into them, coming out to the dining room. Anna and Kate were nice to her the rest of the evening and London, still frazzled and her butt still a little raw, made darn sure to use the toilet when she had to go.
Table of Contents