The Faction (poem)

There’s a reason I lie without company in my bed
The selfish thoughts were fleeting from my jumbled little head
The void of endless loneliness brought upon me from an action
As the leader of a nation, I fell victim to a faction.

This faction was unseen, yet created in my presence,
Tossed aside to live and die and breathe among the peasants.
Right there was the action that caused this utter mess
There was beauty in this action. That much I must confess.

The fact that I, the leader, gave no thought to what I did
Until it was too late, and like a father to his kid
Reprimanded strongly, myself and all I’ve done
Made me think that maybe next time I will not run.

You see, this faction was not people, but feelings I had felt
Tossed aside because of fear which had me by the belt.
Amongst the “I don’t knows” and the tyranny of my lie
My action goes now punished. The faction will now die.

The Faction (poem)

The concept (self-made ruin) is interesting, but it’s too abstract to convey much meaning. So this leader does something, feels guilt over it, ends up alone and, after a period of self-punishment, will be at ease. But because we don’t know what the action is (or even what it could be), we don’t know how to interpret his attitude. Why should we care about what he is feeling if he doesn’t care enough to explain where this feeling is coming from?

This needs imagery. Writing about a feeling, attitude or state of mind doesn’t mean you can’t be descriptive. Look at Shakespeare’s 18th Sonnet. Supposedly, it’s about a man’s feelings toward a woman. But within that, there are still tangible or percievable things (winds shake buds, the sun shines, etc.).

I’m not sure what to make of the strange syntax and diction. Things like “My action goes now punished” really stand out because the word order is refreshingly unexpected. On the other hand, that kind of phrasing seems inorganic and inconsistent with some of the other diction. Basically, if this speaker is casual enough to use contractions and “kid” in place of “child,” then it seems as if he should be taking shortcuts elsewhere. “There was beauty in this action” instead of “The action was beautiful” doesn’t match up with that.

The Faction (poem)

I tend to add my own personality when I write. I call these poems only because i really don’t know what else to call them.

Would you believe me when I say this is more of a though process that comes out in 5- 10 minutes?

The Faction (poem)

I tend to add my own personality when I write. I call these poems only because i really don’t know what else to call them.

Would you believe me when I say this is more of a though process that comes out in 5- 10 minutes?

Fair 'nuff. And there’s nothing wrong with writing creatively to vent what’s on your mind. It’s just that when you share that with others, they may focus more on the form than on the content.

The Faction (poem)

Understood :slight_smile: