The Rainbow Poo Recipe.

Tonight’s dinner consists of multiple courses, kicking off with a tomato stuffed tomato amuse-bouche, beetroot three ways as the appetiser followed by the fish course, a rich mackerel infused with a squid ink broth.

The main event begins with an entree of beef and red cabbage teased with bacon, adorned by a rich red wine onion gravy, with a reprise of venison. Paying homage to French traditions the vegetables will follow as a separate course, with asparagus, brocolli and a green olive oil spinach sauce. Recognising diverse influences, the savoury course is an Asian influenced turmeric chicken with coriander rice that will inspire and impress.

Diners will be invited to cleanse their palette on a brief course of blue muffins with stilton before launching into the dessert. Peach and mango jelly with a nectarine sorbet will be given time to settle before you’re presented with caramel toffee bananas served on a firm Devon custard base. To finish white chocolate cheesecake with vanilla ice cream will fill any remaining gaps, leaving our lucky few enjoying a small tot of gold leaf vodka that will assure a sparkly end to their next rainbow expulsion.

In my defence this was mostly written after 25 units of alcohol - guidance is to limit to 14/week - and finished off after another pint-and-a-bit of spirits.

So that’s why my dad liked to cook when he got drunk.