[Title Pending] First abdl story. CH1

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#1

I would like to say that I never though I would mix being a DL with being a writer. I’ve been out of practice for ages however, and this has been floating in my head for a couple days. Penning chapter I soon.

Hope you enjoy the Prologue, mine are usually short.

[align=center]Prologue
[i]Reality[/i][/align]

[size=12px]Alan Davis woke up to the usual sound of his mother’s voice, shouting at him from down the steps. At the age of sixteen he was acknowledge by his friends as a walking contradiction. Alan Davis was a geek but not a wimp, not a man but not a boy, He could recite every event from the rise of Rome to the fall of the Soviet Union. He liked to help, but not put himself at risk, he loved to read but hated English, he was serious, but funny, and unique, but forgettable by all who he was not friends with.

Sighing, Alan ran a hand through his oily dark-brown hair while swinging his feet over the edge of his bed. He had always hated Mondays, Alan never slept on the weekends. As he wiped the crust from his eyes his mother’s voice boomed up the stairs once more. “Alan!” He gave a loud grunt in reply as he stood. Adding “Christ” under his breath, his mother could be so impatient sometimes. Alan then began his morning ritual of taking a quick shower, relieving himself, and getting dressed for High School. It was mid-November and already snowing in Pennsylvania.

As he finished Alan took one final look around his room before he went downstairs. It wasn’t very large, but was able to fit his computer desk, his book shelf, a pile of cloths, his bed, finally his dresser and TV. The dresser sat in the corner nearest to the stairs. There was no upstairs hallway, just his room. The TV sat in the middle of the room on an old nightstand, facing his bed, which sat in the corner directly opposite, by the only window. A couple feet in front of the bed sat the computer desk facing a third corner of the room. In the final corner sat a pile of junk and cloths. Alan was constantly yelled at for his dirty room. That, and he rarely cleaned it when told.

When Alan confirmed that he had everything he needed for the day he made his way downstairs. As usual he found that he still had over forty minutes till the bus arrived. After ten years of this he stopped questioning why his mother woke him up so early. His mother was on the couch, as she was every morning. Amber Davis was even more odd than he son at times. At the age of thirty nine she had experienced many things people never will in their life. She had made an unsuccessful album at one point, met a couple celebrities, had been to the hospital multiple times. Survived a tornado and a car wreck. On top of being a punk rock junkie when she was a teenager she had quite a few stories to tell. Right now though, her frequently died hair was red, she was working as a secretary, and was getting just enough money to keep them from being homeless. The typical single parent family.

“We have cereal, or you can make a bagel.” Every morning she tried to get her son to eat something, first thing. Almost every morning he refused.

“Okay.” Short simple, Alan’s usual morning reply. It didn’t require a lot of thinking, and he wasn’t bound to it like a yes or no. This morning though he was hungry. He poured some cereal into a bowl with milk, Mini Wheats, he was the only one he knew who liked the stuff. He was half way done, with the sound of the news in the living room, and his mother in the kitchen making coffee, when he heard it.

“Alan, what the Hell are you doing?!”

At this point many things his Alan very quickly. As he stood he suddenly felt himself doing more than just wetting is pants. In the shock and confusion he didn’t even have time to think of why, or how. Just that it was. Next, as he looked at his mother she had replaced the empty mug of coffee with a bag of Pampers and was advancing towards him, with an almost wicked look on her face.

“I’ve been waiting for this day for a long, long time Alan.” Yet, it was the next words that shocked him more, with both the volume, and suddenness. “Alan, I said wake up!”

Alan’s eyes snapped open as the words registered. His heart was pounding in his chest as he looked wildly around the room. A dream, oh thank god. I’ve never wished something was just a nightmare more in my life. he though to himself as he started to get out of bed. Already he had forgotten what it was about. Alan quickly answered his mom before she shouted again before quickly going through his morning routine. All the while trying to remember what it was about. Even as he poured the very same bowel of cereal, at the very same time he could not remember. At 7:10 he gave up as the bus arrived outside his house. He gave his usual goodbye’s to his mom as he stepped out the door. Out the door and into another day of Hell as he called it.

Of course, Alan would find out just find a much, much more real hell very soon. If he had by chance grabbed the exact same pair of pants, and the exact same underwear as in his dream Alan would have noticed the very tell-tale stains of someone who had heavily soiled them. All of this would come together later though. With Alan completely oblivious to the hands of fate changing for him. For unknown to him there were two people in his house watching him leave. If he had looked towards the upstairs window he would have seen the shadow of a man eying him intently, before slumping over, and vanishing.[/size]

#2

[Title Pending] First abdl story. CH1

ok this seems interesting, there are a slight few spelling mistakes which a re read should be able to fix, but yeah i think this hads potential. oh and you should introduce yourself on the bord

#3

[Title Pending] First abdl story. CH1

Ah yeah, I corrected those, but forgot to edit on the site. Still shaking off the rust. Thanks for the comment.

#4

[Title Pending] First abdl story. CH1

the first thing i noticet was the bolders gate pic. that was a good game. Alan reminds me of me i wish i cude right like you i try but it comes out like porn. whate a minuet that came out wong

#5

[Title Pending] First abdl story. CH1

This is a pretty good start. I’ll commend you for not rushing the plot and taking the time to develop and round out your characters. My main issue here, minor spelling mistakes aside, is with the narration. It seems to bounce between Alan, his mother (briefly) and this omniscient voice who knows what’s in store for him. Either keep the perspective consistent or do something to transition from one perspective to the next.

#6

[Title Pending] First abdl story. CH1

I actually notice that myself, it’s what I need to work on the most.

So, narration will take time to improve, but hopefully it will be a steady improvement. Thanks for the criticism, untill I can take a writing class books and you guys are the only things that can help. Well, aside from practice.

#7

[Title Pending] First abdl story. CH1

Here’s chapter 1. It’s shorter than I would have liked, but I think I’ve found a solution to the odd narrative.

I’ve seperated them into descriptive and story narrative, they are sepperated throughout the chapter.

[align=center]Chapter I
[b]Hell[/b][/align]

The bus was noisy as ever. Alan took his usual seat, third row, by the window. He tried to ignore the shouts and complaints of the other students as he stared out the window of the yellow vehicle. This wasn’t in fact his normal bus. The other one was broken down. Instead he was stuck on an old elementary bus, with high seats as hard as a rock. It even smelled of old age. He thanked god, almost as a joke, that school was only a few minutes from his house, on the other side of town.

Reinsville was a small town of maybe 15,000 stuck on the boarder between Pennsylvania and New York. It had the basics of any town, a supermarket, post office, a courthouse, and a church. Maybe it was a tad more basic than most, Reinsville didn’t even have a Wal-Mart. It was amazing the town even had it’s own school. Though, the Junior and Senior High’s were mixed into the same school.

The school itself was decently large. A little too large, there were three vacant teaching positions open. To compensate a few of the extracurricular activities were cut, much to the dissatisfaction of the 700 students attending. Times were hard though, and Reinsville JR./SR. High just couldn’t afford it.

As the yellow bricked building drew closer Alan did his daily double-check to make sure he had everything. As usual, he did. Alan noted the audible screech as the old bus came to a halt, like a metal pipe scraping against pavement. One after another the kids exit the bus. More than one rubbing their ears. When his feet touched the sidewalk Alan immediately set off to his usual destination. It was the lobby outside of the school cafeteria, every grade was separated into different sections of the school in the morning. The lobby was tenth grade’s.

Alan’s usual friend’s formed a circle slightly outside of the lobby, into the hallway. Something they constantly got yelled at for, honestly though, they didn’t care. There was anywhere from twelve to twenty people in this circle at once. Only ten of which Alan really talked to. Rachael, of course was not in the group, she was hanging out with her own circle of friends.

Alan and Rachael had been best friends for the better part of three years. Something of a feat with them being two different people. Alan for instance had only been living in Reinsville for five year, where Rachael had her whole life. Alan liked books, Rachael preferred computers. They had no friends in common, and while Alan had no social life, Rachael had quite an active one. Opposites attract.

The only thing Alan had in common with his group of friends is that they were friends. Everything from their cloths, to their taste in music was different than his. They preferred black hoodies and Metal music. Alan preferred plain jeans, a T-Shirt and old rock. He supposed it was just because he seemed to get along well with people. In this case, the people he got along with found him a great source of comic relief. Alan often told jokes to fill in the voids withing the conversations he and his friends have. These jokes were usually at someone else’s expense, but Alan tried to make fun of small things. One thing he hated was enemies.

“Christ your bus was late today Alan, you’re usually here a whole minute earlier!” Said Alan’s friend Jacob, whose joke once again received no laughs. That happened a lot with Jacob. Yet Alan felt obligated to remedy the situation, as usual with a joke of his own.

“Old bus, old driver, we were doomed to arrive late from the start.” That received a few laughs, mostly chuckles. It was too early for Alan to come up with a good joke. Hating groups Alan migrated out of the circle then and waited against the wall, listening to his friend’s conversations. One was about a Metallica concert, and another was a Chuck Norris Joke contest. He didn’t pay too much attention to these, and after three minutes the bell rang, signaling it was time to head towards home room.

Alan’s was situated in the top left corner of the school. Almost a minute and a half from where he stood in the morning. His day began to pass as usual until third period. It stopped being usual for two reasons. The first of which he was quite happy about. His chosen partner in Comm Arts((Communication Arts)) was Cassandra Richardson.

The best way to describe Cassandra would be Tomboy. She was the only girl on the school’s baseball team, as well as being on the volleyball team. Her Auburn hair was usually in a ponytail, and when outside of school sat beneath the brim of a Arizona Diamondbacks baseball cap. She wore Camo pants and a tank top almost every day. She arrived in Reinsville two years before Alan. She was one of Rachael’s good friends and Alan’s High School crush. Something that Rachael knows, and jokingly blackmails Alan about when she needs something.

Alan never found it funny.

On this particular day they were partnered up for a new speech. It was a simple one, look for an Ad in a magazine and explain what message the advertiser was trying to get across. Along with what methods were being used. Alan picked up his books and moved to the other side of class, sitting down in the now empty desk next to Cassandra. She gave him glance lasting several seconds before giving a nod.

“You get the Magazines, I’ll get the other stuff.” She said, in her usual Matter-of-fact tone. She was a no-nonsense person when it came to a job. Alan only nodded in return before standing and walking over to the magazines. It was here that the second odd thing came into play.

Alan was surprised he didn’t feel it before he heard it. The distinct sound of water hitting the floor, as if it was slowly hitting the ground from a faucet. For that brief second the dream from the night before became clear to him. Oh my god was the only thought that occurred to him as he heard the first snickers, before they turned into full blown laughter. More than half the class was pointing at the puddle beneath him. The teacher was looking at him bewildered from behind his desk. The rest of the students were polite enough to contain their laughter, but still looked amused.

It was then that a new sensation hit him, but it only lasted for a second, pain. It was Cassandra who had brought back into reality. He heard a few snickers from behind him but Alan ignored them, he had fallen asleep in class. There was always a first time for everything.

“I told you to get the magazines, not pass out.!” Came the sharp whisper from beside him. He was glad to note it was more amused than frustrated.

“Um, thanks, I had a rough night last night.” Came Alan’s reply, it was hard for him to think of something witty or funny to say around her. They didn’t speak much after that, instead they worked diligently, and the class passed as usual. It never occurred to Alan that once more he had forgotten the dream, or that he had passed out without any indication of being tired.

The school day passed as usual from that point on. Rachael heard from Cassandra about the partnering, to which Alan was teased about as they sat together at lunch. They had the last lunch of the day, with the fewest people, so they sat alone at a small round table. Where Alan could be teased in peace. He took it well, by that point in time he was used to Rachael making fun at him. It was just like what he did to others, though he reasoned to himself that he made it sound much funnier.

When school was out Alan noted that his bus still hadn’t been fixed. H took the same seat he did in the morning and waited as the rest of the students boarded. Once it had started with another screech Alan waited patiently for it to arrive at his house, the first stop. He looked up at the small, three bedroomed blue building and sighed. It was a sigh of relief though, he had survived another day in Hell and only had four more to go for the week.

When he stepped inside Alan immediately noticed the note left by his mom.

Alan, I had a doctors appointment today. Sorry I forgot to tell you, you can make a snack, but don’t finish off the Coke. Love you ~Mom

He wasn’t surprised really, she was at the doctor’s often. Alan suspected some of her visits weren’t because she needed to go. He didn’t want to get caught up in his mom’s private life though. His dad had died early enough that Alan didn’t have a grudge against every man his mom looked at.

Alan made his way upstairs and immediately went to his dresser. He liked to change into shorts after he came home. He almost had them on too when he noticed his underwear. It wasn’t the distinct yellow coloring that had caught his eye. It was the smell. It wasn’t until he looked at them that the color became apparent. Naturally Alan was confused. Until the realization of what the dream had been in school was. Then, fear started to kick in.

No, wait, that was just a dream! I was woken up, and completely dry! Alan double checked his pants just to make sure of this. No stains on them at all. That’s when it hit him, in the dream he wasn’t wearing pants! Alan hadn’t noticed it before, but now he remembered. There were still many questions running through his head, but first he changed his cloths. Then he sat on his bed and tried to sort out all of his thoughts.

That was when he noticed the shadow. He should have seen the man before, with his room being so small, but Alan had missed him completely. Alan wasn’t afraid, at first, but he was very curious. The man was around six foot, with neatly trimmed black hair. His face was obscured, as he was looking at the window, directly beside the bed. It was his cloths that struck Alan as odd though. The man was dressed in what looked like a mobster would wear in the 1920’s. The suit was tan with black stripes, with matching pants. The hat was the same tan color as the shirt, though there was no stripes on it’s rounded surface. Finally a gold watch rested on the man’s wrist.

“Doesn’t it suck.” He spoke, in a low, steady voice. “When your nightmares become reality?”

#8

[Title Pending] First abdl story. CH1

I think you’ve made a good start, though I preferred the prologue’s format- all the dashes in the first chapter were rather distracting for me. But more distracting was a spelling mistake you made multiple times: cloths are for cleaning with and clothes are the items that you wear… every time I read “cloths” I was jolted out of the plot.

#9

[Title Pending] First abdl story. CH1

Verisimilitude is kind of a double-edged sword in this chapter. There were some things I read that I thought you got exactly right and there were some things that made me think, “no way would this happen.”

Let’s start with the former. I rode a bus to school for one year and there was one day when the normal bus was unavailable. The replacement was old and uncomfortable, and I think you nailed that experience perfectly.

Speaking of buses though, why, if the school is only but a few minutes away, is Alan taking one? And speaking of schools, a joint middle/high school in a town of 15,000 sounds a little screwy to me. I’ve seen smaller places where the schools are still separate.

Bottom line as far as that stuff is concerned is that you get some dramatic license to make things up to fit the story. Do it too much though and it makes it harder to engage the reader.

One thing I noticed that Anise touched on is word choice. Buildings can be “yellow brick” or “three bedroom,” but not, as far as I know, “yellow bricked” or “three bedroomed.”

There was also some haphazard capitalization. High school, Magazines, Matter of fact and more all get upper-cased for no reason and it ends up being distracting.

As with the prologue, I still feel like the narration is coming from multiple places: from Alan and from this very opinionated external narrator. They don’t coexist well in this piece. If I were you, I’d consider getting rid of the external narrator and closing the narrative distance. In other words, keep it in the third person, but treat that third person almost as if it were a first person. The downside to this is that you can’t relay any information that Alan has no way of knowing. The upside is that it seems a lot more natural. Instead of some random voice telling us Cassandra is a tomboy, we can have Alan thinking of her as a tomboy.

Personally, I didn’t mind frequent space breaks, but they are done to excess in this chapter and I can certainly see how they could be a distraction. It seems as if you have a lot to tell us about Alan’s life at school and while I appreciate the attempt to add depth, it’s a case of too much all at once. Think about structure. Think about how and when to tell us things.

The dialogue in this chapter didn’t feel very conversational. Part of it can be attributed to the speaker tags. Instead of “_" Alan said, we have "” Alan said, with a whole bunch of modifiers. That kind of thing really impedes the flow.

On a positive note, there’s a firm sense of direction to this story. I’m not really sure where it’s going (which, given how generic a lot of diaper fiction is, can be a good thing), but I feel like you are definitely building to something.

In addition, you do a good job of incorporating the specific (Diamondbacks cap instead of just baseball cap; Metallica concert instead of rock concert, etc.) without it feeling tedious. I think you’re probably envisioning your characters very clearly, which is certainly an asset.

Overall, I’d say this is promising, but you have your work cut out for you to bring everything together.

#10

[Title Pending] First abdl story. CH1

Reading where you screw up is painful, but it helps. Thanks.

As I said before, Narration will take awhile, so hopefully you can be patient on that.

A lot of these other mistakes are there because I’m simply not going back and re-reading enough. I’ll work on being less lazy for the next chapter.

A wanted to use Alan taking the bus as kind of a subtle way to stengthen the fact that he and his mother have little money. Instead of using more gas to take Alan there, his mom simply lets him use the bus.

Thanks for giving me these things to look over. It only helps the next chapter. Even if it bruises my ego.