We-R-VR

We- R -VR - Chapter 1

I floated in…I wasn’t sure where I was floating, really. But it was very calming. I felt a rhythmic beat rather than heard it, but it was just part of the environment here, something that made me feel one with whatever I was floating it.

I realized, as I drifted, that I didn’t even know who I was. Although that knowledge was definitely in my head, it was…out of reach. Although that should have alarmed me, I had a feeling that it was ok. I think I was the one who wanted it put into a ball and set aside. It almost seemed angry…no. That’s not it. That ball was more complicated than one thing. It was full of colors, but many of them disconcerting. Nothing like the steady rhythm and floating where I was.

I let these thoughts go. I think…I had tried meditation before. With the idea that you can achieve a nowness, and ignore the past-ness, and not be so wrapped in the future-ness. But it was too hard for me to ever ignore thoughts the way you were supposed to. Wait, not ignore. Acknowledge and then release them to swim off like fish that you let go. I couldn’t do it. The past gripped me and the future scared me all the time. I knew this, as I looked at that ball of more-than-feelings. More than one part of me was in there.

I turned away from that and stopped. And finally surrendered to this place to stop thinking distinct thoughts. I just was, and my self just was in the now, in the rhythm of this place. I don’t know for how long. There are always more nows. An endless number. But it wasn’t boring so my thoughts drifted. It was…just right and something that makes it easy to lose yourself.

After that eternity in now-ness, I came back to thoughts again because I was drawn there. A calm voice greeted me as I returned to myself. Although it would seem intrusive, it was more like being gently awakened.

Completed first stage, In The Womb.

Ah. That’s right. That’s what I was doing. A new form of VR from the company that created the most advanced form of Virtual Reality, ever, called We-R-VR. Not only was it completely immersive, you lose yourself as you can set your own identity aside to live as something else.

Some people loved being the worlds greatest spy. Some people wanted to live lives of luxury and wealth. Others fulfilled fantasies of all types.

I had my own thing I wanted to do. I did not remember at this time if I was 18 or 80 in my life, but I know that my existence had strife and troubles far more than most people have dealt with which weighted down my soul. It made vacations impossible for me, because you can’t escape yourself no matter where you go. But here, you could. But in a special way. There was a branch of VR that far fewer people wanted, but exactly matched what some sought to return to all of their lives. The clarity and simplicity of being a child.

Instead of VR, this special branch called itself AR. Age Regression. Their motto was simple: Be A Child Again. I now knew I had traveled to get to a place that had these programs, go on a real vacation. As I got more of my own life back in my head. Something that I resisted, and left in a ball in the corner so my troubled life wouldn’t intrude even more. I liked even the simplicity of this interface system, as I could set aside the other part of me. But the pull of being a kid again sounded like the perfect escape.

Here, in the AR version of VR, everything was fiction, and nothing was impossible. You were not constrained to be what you were when you were young. Want to try the other gender, or non-gender as a child? No problem. I had heard there were thousands of variables you could play with even with each scenario, and some of them would change your body or the world quite drastically. You might not even be a human child if that’s what you wanted.

At this time, I still didn’t remember if I was a boy or girl—or should I say a woman or man—as an adult. I had equal desire to try either. Or both.

I felt that I could pull up a menu, and saw a list of scenarios I could choose from appear in front of me. Many had rather simple names. Scenarios as a child were simple, after all, but living them as a child again would actually be engrossing.

Scenarios listed in front of me included: “There there.” “Day at the park.” “Naptime.” “Tag, you’re it!” “Playground” “Sleepover.” No wait, there were many alternate of sleepover as you look at that one. That makes sense. The first one looked to be a vanilla scenario. Some were for different ages of children. Yet others had intriguing plot hints: “Helping a friend get over an embarrassing problem” being one. What was that about?

More mysteriously named ones were on the list. “Interdimensional Mining Company.” Oh, this one more easily allowed non-human forms. That scenario looks interesting, but a little complex and heavy. Yet, I felt attracted to it. Perhaps later.

Another bunch of titles crossed in front of me. “Accident.” Hopefully not a car accident. More likely, the kind that kids are more likely to hav—oh yes. Next to that one is “Bedwetting.” I guess people can have even fond memories about that, too. In fact, I guess not everyone wants happy scenarios, too. Perhaps, it’s just as satisfying to live as a child and experience negative emotions that way.

The list continued, and had items I felt like trying, but the system strongly suggested “There There” as the second scenario. I decided to choose it.

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There, There. - Chapter 2

I opened my eyes. I knew that I was…or am? Or used to be? An adult. But upon opening my eyes, the first thing I saw was a hand. My hand. It was tiny. In fact, although my eyes weren’t as good as I was used to, I could see bars in front of me. And I was lying on colorful blankets.

I tried to get up, and could only push up a little bit, and try to see or sense more. I was wearing something quite soft and comfortable. Not just pajamas but…a sleeper? And I can tell, there was a diaper underneath. I tried to say something, and only heard a high-pitched “gah”. Not at all what I was used to.

The surprise started to get me worried, and as I tried to talk more and failed to be able to say anything, just babble. I was unable to stop my fear from gripping me enough that I started to cry. And even cried out.

I suddenly realized that part of the reason why adults can push down their feelings was because of their bodies and layers of brain capabilities that we learn as we grow. But now, I was a baby, at least for now. The rational part had no chance. The instinct of crying out when you’re afraid, and the complete inability to suppress it, was impossible in this small form. I heard a baby crying, and I realized it was me.

I fell back down again, rolling a bit as I cried, and heard the door open—not being able to see far in this small baby form. Focusing your eyes comes as a baby gets bigger, at least, what’s what my adult rational brain remembered. Not that knowing helped, I finally just gave in and wailed, crying more completely than I think any adult has the luxury of being able to let go.

“Oh, what’s wrong?” I heard a gentle voice say, as I felt myself picked up. “Did you wake up from your nap and get scared of something?”

I was held against a woman wearing a fluffy robe. No, not just a woman, my mother.

Wait. That still wasn’t right. My mommy.

“There, there.” She said, as she cradled me against her. She sat down in a chair in the room and started to rock back and forth.

She patted me on the back and I started to calm down. Crying like this when I was scared, being tended to, cradled, it was, I realized, something all of us need. Something that I dearly needed.

This was another timeless moment. A state that adults rarely can achieve without drugs, alcohol, or, artificial means. People who can get there without those means spend lifetimes learning how to do what you get as a child from your first moments, alive.

Someone who cares for you who will pick you up, hold them to their chest, and say: “There, there.” Where you can feel their heartbeat, and yours slows down as you are held, and know you are fully loved. As you’re told everything is alright, and you can’t help but believe it, so that everything slows down as your troubles float away.

And the feelings of being able to let myself go completely, cried completely, and was ultimately calmed by being held by this woman and rocked in a chair.

I closed my eyes, and fell asleep again.

The scenario ended.

It was a long time before I could choose something else as my next one. But next time, I promised myself, I would try to keep my rational self out of the way and more completely fall into the world that I dearly needed to visit again.

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This is a fascinating concept. Of course in the end it is not revolutionary, but the VR immersion makes it seem…possible? In a way that most stories are not. I’m not into VR, but I would try this one.

Choosing The Next Scenario – Chapter 3

I finally looked at the menu of other options as I came back to being the person I was again and out of the baby that I had been just a moment ago.

Or…was it a moment ago? The the full, actual “me” which appeared as a ball of colors had different shades and streaks than I remembered seeing it, last time. As if it had experienced something in the real world. Some good, some of it, I think, difficult.

As I thought about that ball of me, it started to float towards me—or me towards it. It’s hard to tell in this space! And I started to feel my real life memories coming back.

I frantically drove it back, or me away from it, to stay separate. I’m guessing there’s a reason why the “me” in the real world kept it this way. And I chose to leave it where it was and and trust the decisions of her?..him?..them?

I realized this was a legitimate use of the non-binary they/them pronoun to refer to the real me, since our gender and sex was something the real me wanted to keep to themselves so our choices could be more pure, unburdened by preconceptions. I realized, even this state, in this odd space where I chose the scenario, was a vacation from being “me” since the full me was quiet in a ball in the corner there.

Rather than think about these philosophical thoughts, I realized I was here because I wanted to re-live childhood. Or even experience a childhood that is unique and fantastical. And although I wasn’t sure if it was one day or one year since I played in the last scenario, I was rested after a break, and was ready to try another scene.

What it suggested next amongst a long list of childhood experiences was something called “Toddler Time.”

It recommended that I first try the standard version before changing anything. Rather than take the time to understand a multitude of interactions between these choices, I decided to agree to the standard one. I let it randomize the few things that it did want me to choose, such as the sex and gender, and started the scenario.

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Toddler Time 1 – Chapter 4

I opened my eyes and saw a TV showing a kids show with little talking animals. I was sitting on a colorful carpet play area—some kind of mat that had a little town on it. Blocks were in front of me, partially stacked up, and my tiny hand was wrapped around one. I was wearing a long-sleeve shirt, with slightly dirty sleeves, and as I looked at my chest, I saw I was wearing shortalls. A picture of a rocket ship was on the chest.

I put my hand on my waist, and it felt soft. I realized that I was wearing a diaper.

I suddenly got nervous—what if someone saw me wearing this entire getup! How embarrassing! I tried to say something, and realized that I had something in my mouth, which I spit out, and caused something to fall and then swing near the strap of my shortalls.

It was a pacifier on a string.

Even more embarrassing! My heart raced.

Wait.

I stopped for a second, and realized that part of this early scenario was to get used to being in the character. Of course someone would see me wearing a diaper and shortalls, they were supposed to. And they would see a little toddler that was meant to be dressed as a little…I felt the front of my diaper. A little boy, I think. It’s hard to tell.

I relaxed a bit, and took in more of the situation, and tried to fall into character. Before I went further, now I realized why these are the first suggested scenarios. It’s embarrassing for an adult to be seen as a child. This was here to ease me in so I could get used to it.

So I took a moment to fully fall into the experience. I closed my eyes and just focused on listening.

I heard the kids show, where the animals were trying to rescue someone, and probably scrambling around being chased based on the music. The air conditioning was blowing. And I heard sizzling, as if someone was cooking, and realized it was my mom. She usually cooked before my dad came home. Mommy cooked because daddy’s cooking was pretty yucky except for his egg-toast, and she got home first. It smelled delicious.

I lay on the floor, putting my face on the rug, and realized it was rough, and not comfortable on my face.

“What are you doing, little man?” The voice of my mommy was behind me, as she leaned over. “Are you taking a nap?”

“No nap!” I found myself saying. I was finally falling into the role, I quieted my logical brain, and tried to act like a toddler. “No nap!”

My mommy put her finger inside the shortalls, and took a look. “Oh, look. My baby is clean and dry.”

I blushed, this was too much for me to handle. I was wearing diapers. I tried to take in what that meant. I mean, I guessed I could…use them. And no one would laugh or think it was weird or unusual, because, well, I was basically a toddler that hadn’t been pottytrained yet.

I liked the idea of doing that, for some reason, but also felt emotional all of the sudden. In fact, some tears started to fall, thinking about it.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Mommy picked me up, pulled me against her shoulder, and rubbed my back. “Are you hungry? Dinner’s ready soon.”

“Hungy.” I said, all I could manage out of the swirling, complex thoughts going through my head.

“Mommy has to finish making dinner, and can put you in your highchair!”

Highchair!

She put me back down on the ground, in front of the TV. “You play with your blocks until mommy finishes dinner, and we’ll get you some food, ok?”

“Ok, mommy.”

I watched more of the show as the delicious smells came from the kitchen, and then took the time to explore the world more. I found it easier to crawl than walk due to the diaper, which caused my legs to stick out more.

I found it easy to squat down to pick up blocks and stack them up, which was surprisingly fun. Of course, it was fun! Blocks were great!

And then I felt myself being pulled away from them as I was picked up again. “Dinner’s ready. Daddy’s late so you’ll just be having dinner with mommy for now, ok, sweetie?” I nodded against my mommy’s shoulder as she carried me to the highchair, and threaded my legs through the holes. “Upsy into the highchair now.”

I put my tiny hands on the tray in front of me, which also had cartoon characters on it. Then, I felt my mommy reach behind my neck and tie something around it. A bib. This one had a little set of plates on it that had smiling faces.

She then laid a plate in front of me with little bite-sized pieces of food. As well as a sippy cup in a cupholder in the highchair that looked to be full of red juice. I picked that up and put it to my lips and drank, and it tasted like fruit juice.

“Yum!” I couldn’t help myself.

“Yummy! Isn’t it?” My mommy said. “Are you going to be able to pick up the food, or do you need mommy’s help?”

In answer, I went to pick up a piece of food, realizing, in the back of my head, that it was kind of gross to pick food up like that. But the little me didn’t hesitate to pick it up and put it in my mouth, and start chewing. “Yum!”

“Good boy!” Mommy said. I giggled, in spite of myself.

“Yummy!” I put another few pieces of food in my mouth and she settled down to eat as well.

After I had drank some more juice, and she filled it, I continued to eat, something I needed to concentrate to be able to do.

After a time, I realized that I had to pee. The little self that I was slipping in and out of as I got used to being in character didn’t notice at all. He was used to just going. But the adult me, the rational me, knew what that feeling meant, and I shifted in the highchair, thinking about getting up to go to the bathroom.

I thought through how to even get to the bathroom. I wasn’t even old enough to get out of this chair on my own, and my little hands wouldn’t even be able to get the shortalls off, let alone the diaper. Or sit on the toilet, which would be impossibly high. Unless they had a potty for me in the bathroom. Something the little me didn’t even understand yet as I tried to access his limited understanding, so I thought that it wasn’t too likely there was one in there for me.

The feeling in my bladder intensified, and I realized that holding it wasn’t going to be possible. But it also wasn’t going to matter. I was wearing just what I needed—a diaper. I was in a highchair. I was a toddler. And no one here would care. Well, my mommy would. She would just change me.

I looked over at her, she was looking at her phone, and probably answering an email. Not noticing me. The feeling kept pressing and this small body didn’t have much capacity to hold anything for long.

I closed my eyes and let go, not that I had much of a choice by this point, and felt the front of the diaper get warm and flow from the front to the bottom of the diaper as I peed, which didn’t take long to finish. I had a toddler-sized bladder, after all. I blushed, knowing, as an adult, what a childish thing this was. But as a toddler, not really minding the feeling of the now-warm diaper against my middle. In fact, feeling good about being nice and warm there.

I opened my eyes again, seeing the plate of bite-sized food, the sippy cup, the strap across my body keeping me safe in the highchair. The only thing different was something that no one could see, underneath my overalls. And I finally lost myself to the little character again, giggled, and ate some more, getting some of the food on my face, and ignored the state of my diaper.

After putting down her phone, Mommy picked up a wipe and wiped my face, which I tried to avoid, but just couldn’t. “What a mess! You’re a big boy for being able to pick this up, but try to get the food in your mouth, sweetie!”

Before long, the meal was over, and mommy was picking me up out of the highchair. She put me down on the ground, and I tried to run to the play area, but she hung on to the shortall straps, and checked my diaper again.

“Looks like we have a peepee diaper. Let’s get you changed before you play again.”

Mommy carried me into the playroom, and put me on the changing table. The room smelled like baby powder as well as pee, and the light smell of baby laundry detergent.

She pulled out some changing materials as well as a fresh diaper, and undid the shortall straps to get at the wet diaper underneath.

I raised my legs up as she untaped the diaper and pulled it open, and then I couldn’t help but blush embarrassed to have my privates which were currently surrounded by a yellowed diaper exposed this way. My little self wasn’t aware, and couldn’t care about this. But Mommy didn’t notice, as she was so focused on the change, wiping me up and cleaning me off. Then putting a clean diaper underneath me, putting some powder on. After all, it was quite normal for her toddler to wet his diaper, and for her to change him.

“There we go. Allll clean.” She gave me a kiss. “Now you can go play!”

“Yay!” I said, as she put me on the ground, and I ran to the other room to play again…


The world faded back to the neutral space. And, after a time of having no body or outside thoughts to push me, I regained that equanimity that signaled I was back.

I think I got it now. How and when I should assert myself, and how to lose myself in the scenario. How to pull myself out if I didn’t feel comfortable, and sink in when I was.

I knew that this time, I bounced in and out of the character. Mostly out. It would take more practice, but I think I could do it now. I get why they started everyone with this sequence. That last scenario had plenty of time for me to get used to these feelings, and reconcile the reluctance to do things that my adult self would consider to be terribly childish, embarrassing, messy, or out of line with my personal self-concept.

The point was that I could rewrite my self concept. No one was watching but me. And the one judging me was…me.

I would never be that judgmental to others. But I was incredibly harsh on myself.

I think this was just as much what this experience was about as it was about the scenarios. At least, that’s what I was taking from it.

I looked at the scenario again, and saw a huge number of options available. There were tons of things you could change about how the world was put together. For example, I could make things even larger, or smaller. I could be a massive toddler with small parents. I could be a furry anthro toddler. I could be an adult treated as a child. You could even change the age you appeared separate from your actual age.

It got far more detailed for the diaper options. For example, you could set the age that children normally potty train, from 1 all the way to never. And how accepting others were about diapers from completely normal all the way to hostile. You could choose what types of diapers that you would wear, from wearing nothing (which they do in some countries, having babies walk around in bottomless pants) to undies, to pullups, to diapers.

You could even change the other characters. For example, the daddy could be the one taking care of you. Or you could have two moms, two dads, and more. You could have more characters added like siblings, cousins, uncles, aunts, friends. Your parents could be fighting. They could be deeply in love. They could be going through a trauma. The choices seemed overwhelming, but this scene was so simple that it invited people to make it into a tutorial for modifying the world and exploring it through the eyes of a small toddler.

I didn’t want to run “Toddler Time” again. But what caught my eye was the one suggested next, called “Daycare trip to the park.” And, this time, besides the normal one, it also suggested a very popular variant.

I wondered what made the variant so great as I hovered towards the standard scenario. After hovering back and forth between them. I switched back to the variant, and instead of researching what it was, I decided that I would just accept it and would figure out what it was by just experiencing it without knowing ahead of time.

I entered the scene.