Will versus Fate [Prologue added 11/18/2016]

[i]Uh… you know, I don’t know whether this counts as a fanfiction or as an original story. I mean, I created everything in it, but… all of the main characters are taken straight out of my own RPG Maker game. The setting’s totally different, but the characters are almost direct ports. Huh…

Anyway, warning: the following prologue contains coarse language, obscene but not graphic violence, fantastical powers and zero diapers. Reader discretion is advised.

That about sums it up. There will be ABDL content in this story at some point in the near future, but as of this prologue, you may find yourself questioning whether it would even fit to include such things. In fact, you probably won’t see any of it at all for at least a few chapters. But I think if you can make it that far, it will probably be worth the wait… unless you’re one of those people who needs quick and big fetish payoffs to stay interested in the work, like I typically am. :stuck_out_tongue:

Something you should know: I didn’t edit this at all. This is all hot off the press writing, no corrections made. Probably won’t be illegible, but I ask that any mistakes or awkward wordings (my trademark) be pointed out if you notice them. I’d rather not let them stick around for future readers, you know what I mean?[/i]

Will versus Fate
Prologue: Four to One, No Contest

“Man, there just aren’t any good recruits tonight…”

It was a low, quiet mutter, one that could only be heard by the three men standing beside the speaker on the dark gray concrete street corner. The one to his right, who was looking in another direction, nodded his head in affirmation. The others just silently, motionlessly agreed with him.

Each of four men seemed to have a very muscular frame, almost more than you’d expect people like them to have. Their black leather jackets and matching tight pants gave off the impression of a bunch of biker gang members. While it wasn’t exactly rare to see people like that be very fit, it was still odd to see ones that looked like they spent more time at the gym than on their motorcycles.

But then, there were no bikes anywhere near them. They were standing on the corner of a very busy street, surrounding a tall, black metal street light on all four sides, no vehicles to be found. They were each looking in one direction that the intersection of roads a few feet away from them stretched on, as they had been since before the sun had set several hours ago.

Though the men were quite conspicuous, nobody so much as looked in their general direction. To all the passersby that were walking through the two crossing streets of this lively part of the inner city, it was as if they didn’t exist at all. They were in plain sight, yet even those who walked right by them didn’t register their presence.

“So I know you told me to just look for anyone who can see us and point them out,” said the man facing south, yawning loudly at the end of the sentence. His jacket was plain black, with a silver zipper – nothing to make it look very fancy. He ran a hand through his short, dark brown hair, which was showing the beginnings of turning gray in the back, before finishing his thought. “But how exactly does that work? I mean, we’re cloaked, right? No one’s gonna see us no matter what we say or do.”

The tall but young-looking man facing east, whose shoulder-length blond hair covered one of his icy blue eyes, shook his head at what he’d heard, but kept his eyes open and glued on the streets. His jacket looked similar, but had three decorations on the left breast, all of them metal pins of simple shapes made of silver. One depicted a circle, one a square, and one a five-pointed star.

He brushed a few stray hairs, which had moved over his visible eye when he shook his head, back over to the other side of his face. As his arm was outstretched, a pedestrian in a denim jacket walked by, passing through his elbow as if it didn’t exist. “Fuckin’ newbs.”
“Easy there, kid,” the one facing west reprimanded, his low, gruff voice making the other three tense up a little. “You were at his level just a week back. You asked the same damn questions. You don’t get to act all high and mighty.”

This man’s jacket had many fundamental differences from all the others. Its zipper was gold instead of silver, as were all of his decorations. And rather than being pinned on, all the intricate, radiant adornments just stuck to the leather exterior as if being held there by an invisible force. He had a total of twenty different gold pieces, enough to cover both breasts of the jacket with ten each. His hair was spotty all over – some places were black, while others were splotched with gray. It very much fit his deeply wrinkled face and dark, unkempt stubble of a beard that must have gone a few days without shaving.

The blond-haired man was easily a head taller than the one who silenced him, and he had bigger muscles and the simple advantage of youth, yet he very obviously tensed up at being called out. As if afraid of the older male, he stammered out a quick, “U-understood, sir.”
For a moment, the group became silent. But then, the highly-decorated man decided to speak again. “Right, the new guy asked a question. To make it simple, the cloak we’re using allows mages and individuals with high levels of magic energy to notice and interact with us, but prevents anyone else from doing either. It’s real helpful for picking out potential prodigies and recruiting them.”

At his words, the blond visibly relaxed. It looked like he wouldn’t receive any punishment for his out of line comment. He had only just been placed under the older man’s command by the higher-ups, so he hadn’t exactly gotten a good feel for what was tolerable and what wasn’t. But at the very least, it looked like this leader wouldn’t punish any level and form of misconduct like the last one he had.

“If you’re still out searching at every intersection in the whole city like you don’t even know where to look, then you clearly haven’t found the person you’ve all been looking for. You’ve all been at it for an entire week now with no results. Persistent yet useless bunch, aren’t you?”

As this very low, smooth female voice called out to the group, a figure slowly faded into view a few yards in front of the most decorated of the four. This somewhat short girl, wearing a dark gray hooded cloak that covered everything but her black combat boots and the lower half of her face, exuded an air of amazing confidence.

The other three immediately leapt in front of their leader and put their arms out in front of them, preparing for the very distinct possibility of a fight breaking out. This girl appeared out of nowhere the moment she started talking, then proceeded to insult them to their face. The fact that she could see them at all meant that she had high magic energy, but the fact that she directly addressed them, and in such a manner, showed she had a complete lack of respect and reverence for their group.

Rather than join his subordinates, the splotchy-haired man merely stood there, hesitant to move, let alone speak. His eyes were zeroed in on the emblem on the pin that held her robe together just above the collar bone – an italicized ‘OA,’ connected to each other from the middle down due to the spacing of the letters. He’d never seen it before in real life, but he’d had to read about it for his position for as long as he’d been in it.

“Oh? Primed for battle already?” she spoke again, her tone and face betraying no emotion other than an eerie calm. “Okay, as you wish. But just to warn you, you’re not confronting a mage. You’re confronting a weapon.”

“We’ll see about that!” the brown-haired man shouted, charging in full-speed.

He closed the distance between himself and his opponent in the time it would take a regular human to blink. By the time he got there, his right fist had already leapt forward in a punch. Judging by the position of the rest of his body, he’d put as much strength as possible into that one strike.

The other three had managed to follow every movement with little difficulty. He attacked faster than any regular human could even see, but as more experienced mages, they could all move and read movements exponentially faster than that. Any single one of them could have stopped him if they wanted to, heeding the danger they sensed, but none of them moved an inch.

In a real combat scenario, he was dead weight. He would be of far more use to the others if he attacked first so they could see how their opponent could react. This was not just common sense to them, but even how they’d been trained to respond to potential threats – send the weaker members out first to feel the enemy out.

But even with their heightened senses, what happened next just couldn’t be followed with the eye. One moment their comrade’s fist had almost connected with the girl’s face, and the next, the entire situation had changed. Instead of the man’s hand near her cheek, it was her own open left palm.

And instead of her face taking a blow, her attacker’s did. The culprit was his own fist, too – the very same one he tried to punch her with. But the strangest part about the shift was the sheer magnitude of the damage dealt. It was as if he’d been hit with twice the power he’d put into the strike, or maybe even a little more.

He fell onto his back as his entire body went limp. His face looked like a bloody mess and his jaw seemed to be unhinged on one side, but his magic hadn’t dissipated, nor was it fading. He’d been beaten into unconsciousness with a single attack, but he wasn’t dead.

The girl’s slender yet toned arm slowly lowered itself back under the cloak as she looked at the man she’d effortlessly defeated with a frown. “Poor fool. What happens when you punch a sword? It cuts your hand apart, that’s what.”

At this point, their leader could no longer stay silent. “Don’t use physical attacks! She can redirect them at you with double the strength! Hold her off with magic while I chant!”

Immediately after he shouted the command, he put his hands together and began speaking in a very low-pitched murmur. He didn’t want their opponent to hear the exact words, because it would give away the spell he aimed to cast.

At the same time, the blond crossed his outstretched arms and closed his hands into fists. “One way Barrier!”

A wall of semi-transparent light suddenly appeared between them and the cloaked girl, several. From their side, one would be able to see through it easily, but from her side, it would appear as opaque and radiant as the sun itself. Likewise, they could send magic through it, but she could not penetrate it with any manner of attack. However, once it sustained enough damage from her side, the wall of light would fade and they would be open to attacks again.

The only shot they had at beating this dangerous foe was for the splotchy-haired commander to successfully cast a high-ranking spell. He just had to pray that his subordinates could hold her off long enough for him to finish the chant.

Which meant they had to make it last at least as long as his chant. Which would not be an easy feat, considering it was created by a low ranking intermediate, and the amount of damage it could take was directly correlated to the caster’s magic power.

“Wow, you’re really going to a lot of trouble to beat little old me,” the girl commented absently as she began to walk forward at a leisurely pace.

Knowing all of their limitations at a glance, the other man tasked with defending his leader grabbed his right wrist with his left hand, stretched his free one open wide, and concentrated. A white ball of glowing light began to form in front of his palm, expanding until it was about two feet in diameter.

He thrust his hand forward, and the sphere shot at the girl at breakneck speed. It moved around four times as fast as the currently unconscious man did when closing the distance – he’d made it both large and incredibly dense with power, so its speed was significantly limited. But his opponent wasn’t trying to be fast, so neither did he.

The next event defied everything he’d ever been taught about magic. Instead of exploding on contact for damage and creating a repelling force to knock her back like he’d designed it to, the ball of magic energy rapidly dissipated into ever-shrinking particles from the center outwards the moment it touched her body. He’d never even heard of such a phenomenon before in his entire time as a mage.

She just kept on walking as if nothing had happened. She didn’t slow down, speed up, or even visually acknowledge the attack’s brief existence. And just like that, with no successful resistance, there were only two yards of distance between them.

In response to this, the man tasked with attacking took his hand off his wrist and formed a new, smaller sphere of energy with each of his palms. He didn’t bother putting more power into them this time, and just fired the two of them straight away.

The same thing happened again with both of them. They just dispersed the moment they made contact, and she kept walking through it as if they hadn’t touched her. One yard left.

The attacker looked back at his boss, finding him glowing with a bright yellow light. He was almost finished chanting, but he’d need at least another two seconds, maybe three. He turned to face his opponent again, preparing to launch a massive barrage of magic—
But when his eyes returned to her, she had already reached the barrier and hadn’t even stopped walking to attack it. And a mere instant later, he finally understood why his attacks had no effect. He didn’t understand how it worked, but he fully comprehended the position they were in… right as she stepped through the barrier like it didn’t exist, and it began to dissolve outwards from the spots where her body touched it.

For a very brief moment, the girl smiled up at him. “You get it now, don’t you?”

But then, before he could react, one of her hands had gripped his forehead. The last thing he felt before losing consciousness was the feeling of being pushed down extremely quickly, then a strong impact at the back of his head.

The blond met the exact same fate due to the girl’s other hand – the girl incapacitated them both at the same time. Seeing all of this, the last remaining man ceased chanting a mere quarter of a second before he would have successfully completed the spell, and the glow around him slowly faded. That would have been more than enough time for her to make a move on him, and even if he cast the successfully, it likely would have ended up just like the barrier.

Winning simply wasn’t an option. In that case, he had to try to smooth things over as much as possible if he wanted to avoid sharing in his comrades’ fate. “I apologize for the rudeness of my subordinates and myself. We shouldn’t have so quickly assumed you came here to fight. But if you’ll allow me a question, what does the Organization of Absolution want all the way down here in Vegas? We of the House of Don Diego are not currently in conflict with your group.”

The girl shook her head, frowning slightly. “I think you’re confused. Though I have resources from that organization, I am not affiliated with them, nor do my actions in any way represent their motives. I’m here entirely for my own reasons.”

“And those reasons are?” he asked, trying to keep a level tone.

This question was twofold. First off, he wanted to know her motives so he could explain them to the House when he next returned, and second, he needed to buy some time. He was currently sending out a threat signal using his magic, and the longer he could make this conversation last, the better chance he had of making it out safely.

“Don’t think you’re going to get help if you keep me talking long enough,” she said, almost as if she’d read his mind. Which, given the circumstances, was entirely possible, but unlikely. “I already deployed a communications jammer spell at the start of my systematic assault, so you won’t be able to reach anyone no matter how much magic you use.”

At this point, the gravity of the situation started to sink in. He was alone, he couldn’t inflict damage on her, and he couldn’t call for help. And though she’d only knocked them out so far, the moment they were all down, death was a very real possibility.

Whether out of desperation or as a means of bringing himself a sense of closure, he continued to press her. “Why are you doing all this? What could you possibly have to gain from it?!”

“I told you before, I’m a weapon. A sword doesn’t need a reason to inflict harm – that’s what it was designed to do.”

Those were the last words the proud, experienced member of the House of Diego heard before she disappeared, and a swift, powerful blow to the back of his neck made him drop to the floor, unconscious.

[i]So, who else here thinks the cloaked girl is a Mary Sue? If you do, guess what: she’s not the main character. She’s the deuteragonist, so the story sort of revolves around her to an extent, but the main protagonist will be introduced in chapter one. And she’s… well, she’s going to be a totally different experience.

Hoping to get some critique for this. It’s part of my “show not tell” experiment, where I give as little information through explanations as I know how to do and try to convey it all in the narration. Really curious to see where others say I need to improve, both on that and on my writing in general.

Also, if you’re interested in the game where the characters come from, or just want to see pics of the main characters, then I present you with this link to the game’s download page, where you can get the demo or just look at screenshots of the two MCs currently in the game: https://omorashi.org/files/file/3748-angels-and-demons-rpg-maker-mv/?page=2&tab=comments#comment-11121[/i]

Re: Will versus Fate [Prologue added 11/18/2016]

Uh… you know, I don’t know whether this counts as a fanfiction or as an original story. I mean, I created everything in it, but… all of the main characters are taken straight out of my own RPG Maker game. The setting’s totally different, but the characters are almost direct ports. Huh…

Who knew being a NaNoWriMo mod would mean I know the answer to this. You own everything so it’s an original work. :slight_smile:

Re: Will versus Fate [Prologue added 11/18/2016]

I like this so far. You have an interesting world being built up.
I like that you are writing an abdl story that doesn’t necessarily revolve around the abdl aspect. You certainly seem to have a lot going on here. A lot of people come specifically for abdl related stuff and won’t like it, but that doesn’t mean it is bad. At times, I have mixed feelings about stories like this, as the abdl aspect tends to be jarring in certain settings, so I will have to see how it works out.
As for your comments, I didn’t think of the gold cloaked girl as a Mary Sue until you mentioned it. Even so, there isn’t enough here to have her come across that way. If you are worried about it, just make sure it doesn’t happen in the next parts. As a lot of these stories are basically escapist fantasies, writing a character that is essentially a place holder for the reader or writer is alright to a degree, just ensure she still has her own character, and doesn’t come across ‘perfect.’
As for ‘show, don’t tell,’ you’ve done that well so far. Remember, the rule doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t describe settings. Descriptions help develop an image, and it can be a problem if, for example, you say a character uses a weapon he found on the ground without first stating the weapon was there. What you don’t want to do is, for another example, declare a character to be ‘funny’ without having him do anything funny. Its a careful balance, and different styles can use it in different ways, but you are doing fine.

Anyway, so far I am enjoying it, and hope to see more. Hope this helps!

Re: Will versus Fate [Prologue added 11/18/2016]

This… this is the critique I’ve been searching for… now to respond as best I can.

The ABDL content will be… well, let’s just say that the DL aspect of it will not at all be unique to any one character. It’s going to be an aspect that afflicts many in the world I’m building, for reasons that will be explained eventually… but because I’m trying to make a very natural progression here, not everything will be revealed on the outset. As for the AB aspect, that’s really specific to one character (and consequent of her position, her subordinates as well), who won’t be introduced into the story for quite some time.

The one thing I’d say you misread is that the girl’s cloak color, which is gray, not gold. The OA emblem was gold (which I forgot to say in the narrative, RIP), but the fabric itself was a dark gray. Anyway, as for her not seeming like a Mary Sue to you, that’s good. I’m so used to writing Sue characters then attempting to justify them by adding weaknesses that I ended up hyperaware of all Sue-like traits that exist in my newer, less perfect characters. The cloaked girl isn’t perfect, but she is overpowered as all hell, which set off a warning flag in my head. However, the nature of her power and existence serve to limit her in ways that I’ll let the story itself reveal later down the line.

As for the setting description, that’s another thing I’m currently working on. When the MC first gets her own narrative perspective, I’ll try to work on describing the scenery a lot more without interrupting narrative flow - the mages kind of look at the world through their own personal, hyper-focused lens and therefore don’t look at their surroundings much, and the cloaked girl is even worse than they are because she literally only pays attention to people who either catch her interest or happen to be her targets… but the main protagonist is decidedly more normal than everyone else I just described, at least at first.

Anyway, still trying to figure out how I want to write chapter one. I think I’ve got a pretty good idea, but I’m still fleshing it out. Hoping to get it finished by the end of the week so I can post it here!