Today was all about repetition and change. It started out as one of the worst days I can remember. From the moment I woke up this morning, I have been an unpredictable mess of crabbiness, moodiness, whining, crying, complaining, moaning, wailing, apologies, fussiness and temper tantrums. There were portions of this day that I remember and portions that I don’t remember.
It was just a very confusing bad start to a day.
Let me explain …
Firstly, I saw my doctor a few days ago and he said my treatment was right on schedule as to how it should be affecting me. He was so encouraged by my progress that he wanted to move my treatments up a bit and increases the dosages I was being given. He told me I would feel a little run down for a short time.
Was today what he meant? There was nothing “little” about today … except for me, of course. I had moments where I had a fever and moments where I was sweating so badly that I soaked my clothing. But let me start from the beginning.
I wasn’t feeling well when Zeke put me to bed last night. He insisted that I sleep in his bed with him so he would be able to check on me throughout the night.
When I woke up next to him this morning, my t-shirt was drenched. I had sweated through it and felt icky. My diaper was wet, too, but that was normal. I had a fever and I think I cried for about 5 minutes. I felt absolutely horrible. Zeke didn’t start me out with my “wake-up” bottle like usual. Instead, he drew a bath of hot water and bathed me first. (Bath #1) That made me feel better. And his gentle hands on my skin really took the ache that I was feeling away … for a little while at least.
But I still felt like I had a temperature when he lifted me out of the tub. So he took my temperature from “you know where” with a thermometer. I was 102 degrees. So he only diapered me and drew my hair in pigtails, but didn’t dress me anymore than that. (Diaper Change #1)
My first bottle of the day is usually warmed milk. I think he fills it with Vitamin D. But on this day, I could see that my bottle was filled with apple juice. This is normally a heart-warming experience when I’m so far gone into my baby mode that I can focus on nothing but drinking from the nipple in my mouth and sometimes tracing the features of his face with my tiny fingertips. But today, I just collapsed on his lap, unable to do much of anything but lay there and wish I felt better.
But even without much of a reaction from me to feed from and knowing I was ill, Zeke still took the time to make every moment special for me. Knowing that though I may have been feeling sick on the inside, there was still a heart in my chest that felt just fine and needed him just the same as the day it met him.
These were the thoughts running through me as I lay in his arms and looked up at him. It was a very sweet moment we shared that need any words at all to make it one that I would remember. Sometimes words can get in the way.
Then I ended the moment abruptly with a burp. I giggled as lightly as I could without coughing, but Zeke had a hearty laugh at it. He placed me on the couch delicately as he began to build a chair out of blankets and pillows on the floor. I lay there, watching him and wondering what on Earth he was doing this for.
He stood up and went into the kitchen. I heard cupboards opening and then closing, fumbling around in the silverware drawer, then more cupboards opening and closing. I bit down on my pacifier lightly, preventing myself from the pain of laughing. I knew what was going on in the kitchen.
Zeke was trying to find plates and silverware for my breakfast, but he doesn’t know where anything is. I sort of reorganized the kitchen the way I wanted it and now he’s lost. He still can’t find anything, even though I have given him a thorough tour of his new kitchen.
But he pulled through and managed to find a bowl and a spoon and then came back into the living room, setting the bowl on the coffee table before picking me up and lying me in the middle of his blanket and pillow creation. I was reclined, which was a somewhat comfortable way to lie.
Telling me that the way I was positioned might not be the best for digestion, he fed me the first spoonful of breakfast. And what did he serve me? “Banana Mush” is the best way I could describe it. Another item off the B.R.A.T. (bananas, rice, apple sauce, toast) menu. That was why my bottle had apple juice in it. Now it was starting to make sense.
It was a very slow feeding. I was grateful that he didn’t rush it. It took such work to swallow. He was so patient with me, taking time to stroke my cheeks and adorn my forehead with kisses. It felt nice to get this attention, like a ray of sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day.
He spooned me everything out of the bowl and wipe my lips clean before gently lifting me into his arms. My tummy was hurting and even my lower back was aching. The warming effect of the bath had unfortunately worn off. I rested on his chest as he rubbed my back and gave me those little pats on my diapered bottom that tell me I’ve been a good girl. I placed my head on his shoulder and rubbed me nose into the side of his neck.
Then something horrible happened. I threw up on him. It went down his shirt and I felt so bad for having done it. He placed me on the couch, put a pillow under my head and covered me with my blanket. I was crying and apologizing over and over and I couldn’t stop myself.
He knelt down beside and kept saying: “Shh, Shh, Shh” as he tucked the blanket in around me. Then he unbuttoned his shirt and took it off. His bare chest caught my attention and I stopped crying. Hey, it worked.
He turned the TV on and went into the bedroom to change and I lay there, feeling miserable yet loved. It was kind of interesting that at that moment I began to take notice of the little comforts I had around me. The pillow felt very cool on the side of my face, a bit of relief from my fever. The baby blanket was very soft and it felt really nice up against my skin. From my toes to my thighs to my tummy to my chest, I was really naked and that touch of the soft blanket on my skin was a bit of relief from my achiness. The diaper around my waist, the only thing I was wearing, was serving as the reminder of my “little” self and it felt soft, a major relief from a tushy that had been burning earlier.
Zeke returned and felt my forehead. My fever was still there and he made me take two pills and swallow them like a big girl. Now my abdomen was hurting. I was beginning to feel like some sort of cruel joke was being played on me. The pain was so bad that I curled up in a ball.
I came to rest, lying on top of a pillow as Zeke rubbed my lower back. All I could do was cry. He was being so sweet to me and I was being so mean to him. Everything upset me and I didn’t know why. In my mind, I was cursing the doctor for having “upped” my dosages.
So while being miserable and achy, the next thing that happened just sent me over the top. While lying on my tummy, I pooped myself, but it came out as diarrhea and burned my tushy something fierce. I began to flail as best as I could in a tantrum. I was fit to be tied. And it didn’t take Zeke long to figure out from the scent that I had “dropped anchor” as he sometimes puts it. (Luckily, he didn’t say that to me today. I probably would’ve bit his head off.)
I kept thinking to myself that I wasn’t being a very good girl, but I couldn’t help myself and I didn’t know why. Then as Zeke was giving me a diaper change (Diaper Change #2) I’m sure he wanted to forget, I found out why. My “friend” had come to visit and bless my day! And by “friend” I mean “monthly friend”.
It may as well have come now. It would have lost of my misery to keep it company. I just lied there and cried into my pacifier. I didn’t know what to do with myself, but somehow Zeke did.
I love him.
After changing my diaper, he fixed up a bottle filled with Pedialyte, placed me on his lap, and put the nipple of the bottle to my lips. I was beginning to get exhausted. (I later found that he had given me two Tylenol PM pills earlier and they were putting me to sleep.) I took the bottle in my mouth and began weakly nursing off it as my body collapsed against his chest.
I was now delirious and was going in and out of consciousness. The only constant that remained was Zeke’s warm chest that I was resting on and his arms which never let me go the whole time. I’m certain that I was looking very attractive to him right now. I hadn’t had an opportunity to touch-up my pigtails when he put them up after my bath. (He tries to make them right and he has gotten better at it, but they still never come out right when he does them.) I also didn’t have a chance to put any “little girl flirting make-up” on my face this morning. (Zeke lets me put a little make-up on because he knows it makes me feel better about how I look and I can tell he likes it, too.) The point is this: I felt like a mess, acted like a mess and probably looked like a mess. And I couldn’t even do anything about it. I was one very sick baby.
Now here’s a part of the day that I don’t remember. The next thing I do remember is waking up back in the bath tub. (Bath #2) Apparently, my fever had broken and I had become a disgusting sweaty girl and I filled my diaper once again. (In hindsight, maybe it was good that I slept through all of that.)
As this bath finished, I found myself sitting on Zeke’s knee as he brushed my wet hair out. I looked at our images in the mirror in front of us. I looked sickly. That didn’t make me happy. I am glad that my treatment hasn’t taken my hair … yet. But I looked tiny sitting on his knee and that made me feel good inside. Then I started to feel little, really little and soon I was feeling like a baby, just with simple little thoughts of him and me.
He carried me into the nursery and placed me on my back on the changing table. (Diaper Change #3) The room felt different, yet at the same time, it was quite familiar. The baby feelings that would surface from within me when I was in that room were so very wanting and in need of coming out. But I was feeling so sickly that all I could do was enjoy the emotions without showing that I enjoyed them. It took too much energy to show it. I hoped Zeke understood this.
Whenever I am completely naked, I feel much more vulnerable than any other time. Not only am I actually vulnerable, but I feel like every emotion I have and every tiny little thing about me is now out in the open and there to be victimized. And I would have no way of protecting myself.
But lying on that changing table, in Zeke’s control, the answer to every feeling of inferiority and weakness that I have is right in front of me. It’s him. I find it easier to feel helpless when I know I’m safe to feel that way and when I know he is there to take care of me.
His eyes never dim from brightness. They are always my guiding light and I look to them for direction. He raised my legs in the air and put me in a diaper. And as he wrapped it around me, I began to feel that security I need return to me. And I had him to thank for it.
I think Zeke recognized how I was beginning to feel better, on the outside. At the risk of my fever returning and soaking it, he slipped a nightie over my head. I welcomed it. It wasn’t a lot of clothing. Just enough to help me raise my chin. Don’t get wrong. I love being naked in front of him. He’s my boy and I’m his girl. He likes it and it’s a good thing, but sometimes I need my modesty, particularly when I’m a baby.
He lifted me up off the changing table and into his arms. I wrapped myself around him as he carried me back into the living room. I can’t begin to describe how good it feels to be carried around. When my feet never touch the ground, I’m constantly driven towards the baby feelings. I don’t know why this is, but I like. I like it lots.
He set me down on my baby blanket, now spread out on the rug. Pulling my stuffed animals and toys from the playpen, he surrounded me with fun! I hugged the teddy bear he got me from Build-A-Bear and fell backwards. Wouldn’t you know it? As I fell backwards, his right hand caught the back of my head and eased it down on a pillow. He sat next to me, took the teddy bear and gave me teddy bear kisses, touching the nose of the bear to mine.
I smiled more broadly than I had all day so far. It was so much fun to have him play with me, in my space and in my world. I always keep a place for him there and he visits every day. Fun takes on a whole new meaning when it’s done like this and he does it with me. It takes a special kind of guy to make me feel this way. And Zeke suits me just fine. lol
He lied next to me on the blanket. I gave him my big teddy bear for a pillow and he read me the book “Fantastic Mr. Fox”. I curled up on top of him, and stared at his face. I didn’t even look at the pictures in the book. All I wanted to see were his eyes as the moved along to the words he read. I watched his lips moving as he spoke. And I saw how his entire face changed with each character he created.
Chicken noodle soup and crackers followed our play time. I sat next to him on the couch as he spoon fed me the soup with the tiniest spoon we had. I normally would have had this meal while sitting in the high chair in the kitchen. I wouldn’t have been wearing a nightie because I would’ve made a mess of myself. Instead I would’ve been wearing a bib. While that sounds like something I would’ve enjoyed today, I know I would’ve gotten sick. So I was happy to sit next to him and only have to open my mouth.
It took forever to feed me the whole bowl, but the warm soup felt good in my tummy. “Maybe I’m finally getting better,” I thought.
No sooner did I finish the soup than I found myself back on the changing table in my nursery, getting my diaper changed again. Why so soon? Because I was having my period and … um … needed to be changed because of it. (Diaper Change #4)
I suppose I should’ve been embarrassed. After all, the one female experience that every girl wants to keep to herself was now his business, too. But added to this day, I really didn’t have the strength to care.
While lying there, I felt myself get suddenly tired. All I had done today was eat sleep and poop. It was definitely the daily schedule of a baby, but one that wasn’t as fun as usual.
My eyes grew heavy and as Zeke finished what seemed like the 80th diaper change of the day, I felt him lift my limp body into his arms. I collapsed on his chest as he carried me over to my crib and placed me in it on my tummy. I felt his hand guiding my head onto the pillow and a blanket being put on top of me. And that was it. I was asleep that fast.
Here’s another chunk of the day I don’t remember. I didn’t even dream when I slept today. Not even a short one with Mr. Woody.
I don’t even know how long I slept, but I woke up to the sound and feel of my diaper tapes being unfastened. The diarrhea had returned and my bottom was burning because of it. I tried to sit up by Zeke told me to lie back down as he carefully folded the back side of my diaper down and began cleaning me in an even more careful manner.
Sliding the diaper to the side, he helped me sit up. He lifted the nightie up and off of me. It was then that I realized that I had sweated through it. I had another fever that came while I was sleeping and then broke, leaving me an icky sweaty girl again.
He lifted me up into his right arm and rested me on his hip as he rolled up the diaper with his left hand. From the looks of it, I was in full flow. Let me tell you how pretty I felt at that moment!!!
He tossed the diaper away into the pail in the nursery and carried me out to living room where he had several towels placed on the floor and a basin of water with some wash cloths next to it. He sat me down on the towels and proceeded to bath me by hand right there in the living! (Bath #3)
This felt really good. If I could say anything it would be that I was squeaky clean at this point! It was an awkward setting, but one that I warmed up to quickly. “His hands” on “My body” is a wonderful combination. Then, of course came… Guess what? That’s right, another diaper change. (Diaper Change #5!) I was beginning to wonder if we were going to run out of diapers at this rate.
But he took his time, once again, and was very gentle with me. This was good since I was now sore in the front and in the back. But after a powdering and a new diaper, he sat me up and put a white baby-t on me. Then he eased me back down onto the blanket and rolled me over onto my tummy for a full body massage. Oh yes. I knew this would feel good the moment he put his hands on me.
Placing my arms at my side, he began kneading the muscles in my neck, starting up under the hair and working his way down to my shoulders. He traced my spine and worked the muscles on either side as well as the shoulder blades. Moving downward, he got to my lower back and began to rub very slowly, taking time to simply press in on those muscles. This gave me the right kind of relief at the right spot at the right time of the month. He worked his way down my thighs and legs and even took time to massage the soles of my feet. He is really good at massages. I have a feeling I’ll be asking for them a lot more often.
When he finished, he stood up and went into the bedroom, then the nursery. I didn’t know what he was doing and I didn’t want to move and destroy how wonderful he had made me feel. But then he returned and I felt him putting socks on my feet.
I rolled over on to my back to look up at him so I could see what he was doing. Just that quickly he wrapped me in the baby blanket and scooped me up into his arms.
“You need some fresh air, BabyGirl,” he said as he carried me out to the car.
We were going somewhere?!?! I wasn’t so sure about this, but the moment we got outside, I found out he was right. The fresh air filled my lungs and I realized how stuffy his apartment had become.
We walked back to the parking lot and there were some people on the other end. I didn’t mind them being there. They hardly saw us anyway. Even if they had gotten a closer look, I couldn’t have gotten away. I simply relied on Zeke to protect me.
Little by little, he was curing me of feeling bad. Everything that had gone wrong on this day and how horrible I felt was beginning to melt away. I could feel that overwhelming need to submit to him returning. But this trip was so “out of the blue”. I didn’t know what to make of it.
Were we going to go to Wal-Mart? Was I going to walk around wrapped in a baby blanket? That couldn’t be it. He would’ve put shoes on my feet.
He placed me on the front passenger seat, got in the driver’s side and away we rolled, heading … somewhere, but where?
Oh my! Was he going to carry me into the Wal-Mart and put me in the child seat of the shopping cart? That would make me very nervous, not to mention I would’ve been humiliated.
What could he have been going out for, other than my fresh air? Was it to buy diapers? If I was sitting in the child seat and he got a package of diapers and pushed me up to the register to pay for them with me sitting in the cart in a diaper, it wouldn’t be hard for people to put two and two together.
We turned onto King Street and headed east. We were definitely going in the direction of a Wal-Mart. I wanted so badly to beg him to tell me where we were going, but if I did and he told me, then the mystery of it would be gone and the butterflies in my tummy would be gone.
Curiosity was eating me alive. So I brought up another subject to distract myself. I asked him a question that had been rolling around in my thoughts for a little while now. I wasn’t sure how he would take it, but I figured it would be a good distraction for the moment. Also, since my nerves were kind of numb from the day’s events, I figure it wouldn’t stress me out to hear his answer and decision. But I knew if he said no, then I wouldn’t get another chance to ask him in the future.
So I took in a full breath of air and just blurted it out. I asked him if we could maybe meeting others who were AB couples, just in a public setting, non-AB. He said he would think about it, but wasn’t crazy on the idea. And that was all he said. But that wasn’t a definite answer!! Still it wasn’t a “no”, so I let it go for now.
The Wal-Mart came and went, but we kept going. The sun was beginning to set and we kept driving. Now we were east of the Wal-Mart on route 30, nearing the Gap. If we went much further we would’ve been at the Parkesburg Wal-Mart that his mother took us to. But in the heart of the Gap (which isn’t very big), he turned into the one and only shopping strip they have there.
It wasn’t that busy and as I found out later, that was the reason why he chose it. We parked at the closest spot. He said he would be right back as he got out the car and headed into the CVS. He walked in and only made it part way across the front of the store before he got one heck of a surprise.
A tap on his shoulder turned him around. He was shocked to see me standing there. He was even more shocked to see that I left the baby blanket in the car.
There I stood in the middle of a CVS, wearing a white baby-t and my disposable diaper. Not even the pacifier between my lips could hide the smile on my face as I held my hand out for money.
“Do you know what kind to get?” he asked me in a super-thick Daddy voice lowering my hand.
I nodded my head.
“Well go get them then,” he said as I gave him a great big BabyGirl hug. He gave me a great big Daddy hug and patted my diapered bottom before telling me to get moving.
I skipped down the incontinence aisle and a minute later returned back up the baby aisle with the diapers. We walked up to the counter and I placed the package on the counter along with a stuffed animal and pacifier I had picked up. Then I stepped back and folded my hands like a good girl, waiting for him to pay. A smile formed on his face as he saw the other items on the counter.
He paid for them and we left the store. The cashier, an older lady, never batted an eyelash at me. I don’t really think she was paying attention though.
We came home and Zeke got me ready for bed, which included one more diaper change. (Diaper Change #6)
So the day ended up being one of the best days I can remember, all because Zeke took care of me. He has some serious patience that I can’t describe.
Some days I am a serious handful to deal with. Just with the Hodgkin’s disease, I can keep Zeke on his toes, tending to me all day long. But today was worse yet for me and for him as well. I was menstrual, sick, and weak from the most recent dosage of my treatment. Add into that the fact that I’m also his baby, who requires lots of attention and care. I’m amazed Zeke didn’t throw his hands up in the air and quit.
I’m writing this entry as I lie beside him in his bed. He is totally asleep. It was an extremely busy day for him. He made it through and I love him for everything he is. I’m feeling a lot better, but a little drained at the moment. I think I’m through the worst of the sickness and now I just have a couple more days of girl trouble to deal with. But that’s okay. It’s nothing new.